The Cadre 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     | By Peter Gillis 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     Nineteen ninety-eight is 
     
     upon us, with all its uncertain- 
     
     ties forthe future. What would 
     
     a New Year be, though, with- 
     
     out a list of psychic predic- 
     
     tions? Here’s my list of what 
     
     will happen this year at UPEI. 
     
     Pay close attention, because 
     
     you never know which one 
     
     will come true. 
     
    

    
     The renovations to the 
     
     faculty lounge will be com- 
     
     pleted, over budget, resulting 
     
     in the most luxurious storage 
     
     room on campus. Professors 
     
     who smoke will be able to peer 
     
     in through the windows and 
     
     admire its beauty. Professors 
     
     who do not smoke will use it 
     
     for weekend Nintendo 64 tour- 
     
     naments. 
     
    

    
     Dr. Ian Dohoo, the As- 
     
     sociate Dean of Research at 
     
     the AVC whose seat on the 
     
    
   
   
    
     Board of Governors violates 
     
     UPEI’s Constitution, will con- 
     
     tinue to be a shining example 
     
     of democracy. The stress of 
     
     representing both the faculty 
     
     and the administration, though, 
     
     will cause him todevelop mul- 
     
     tiple personalities. Incompen- 
     
     sation, he will be promoted to 
     
     Vice-President of Research 
     
     and have his office atthe AVC 
     
     renovated. 
     
    

    
     The procedures used in 
     
     the Committees on Student 
     
     Academic Appeals and Stu- 
     
     dent Discipline Appeals will 
     
     be revamped. This will be too 
     
     late, though, to protect the uni- 
     
     versity from legal disputes aris- 
     
     ing from past mistakes. As 
     
     money disappears down the 
     
     legal drain, students will be 
     
     forced to cover the costs by 
     
     paying rent to use classrooms. 
     
    
   
   
    
     President Epperly will do 
     
     something stupid. 
     
    

    
     The Health Centre will 
     
     be closed and moved to the 
     
     mock emergency ward in the 
     
     Faculty of Nursing. Fourth 
     
     year nursing students will be 
     
     required to operate the centre, 
     
     for free, as a pre-requisite for 
     
     graduation. All petitions pro- 
     
     testing the move will be ig- 
     
     nored, 
     
    

    
     The day-care centre will 
     
     also be moved, but staffed by 
     
     students of Holland College’s 
     
     Youth Care program. These 
     
     students will then be required 
     
     to take some psychology 
     
     courses here in order to com- 
     
     plete their diploma. As 
     
     enrollment increases, the ad- 
     
     ministration will move to drop 
     
     the ‘U’ from 'UPEI.' 
     
    

    
     The provincial govern- 
     
    
   
   
    
         
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     4 
     
    
   
   
    
     ment’s value audit will becom- 
     
     pleted. They will then decide 
     
     that the Faculty of Arts, hav- 
     
     ing nothing to do with business 
     
     or computers, is utterly use- 
     
     less and cut its funding. Atthe 
     
     same time, they will release a 
     
     report showing thatthe literacy 
     
     and analytical skills of Island- 
     
     ers is on the decline. To com- 
     
     bat this, they will create a pro- 
     
     gram where rich people can 
     
     upgrade their TVs. 
     
    

    
     Vice-President Crossley 
     
     will do something stupid, but 
     
     no one will notice. 
     
    

    
     In protest of the value 
     
     audit, President Epperly will 
     
     commit political suicide by 
     
     sending a letter to the Minister 
     
     of Education -- again. She will 
     
     then be dragged in front of the 
     
     Board of Governors and ver- 
     
     bally spanked -- again. In an 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     effort to improve her adminis- 
     
     trative skills, she will be sent to 
     
     McDonald’s burger schoo! in 
     
     Idaho this summer. 
     
    

    
     Students will become 
     
     active in defending their 
     
     dreams of higher education, 
     
     anda group of 2000 will march 
     
     on Province House in a CFS- 
     
     sponsored protest. Attend- 
     
     ance at hockey and basketball 
     
     games will double, and the Barn 
     
     will become the hottest bar in 
     
     Charlottetown. Voter turnout 
     
     at the next election will reach 
     
     90% and students will discover 
     
     the intrinsic value of their edu- 
     
     cation. 
     
    

    
     The sun will rise in the 
     
     West, pigs will fly, and I will 
     
     say something nice about the 
     
     administration. 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
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