sitting
      on
      the
      throne.
      Other
      than
      that,
      the
      years
     
     
      have
      been
      good
      to
      him:
      he
      hasn’t
      aged
      a
      day!
     
     
      Having
      a
      strangle-hold
      on
      an
      entire
      nation
      is
     
     
      good
      for
      your
      health.
     
    

    
     
      But
      lo,
      a
      menace
      is
      arising
      to
      kick
      his
      butt.
     
     
      Seems
      that
      centuries
      of
      instinct
      were
      on
      holiday
     
     
      that
      fateful
      day
      twenty
      years
      ago,
      for
      the
      little
     
     
      newborn
      prince
      was
      adopted
      by
      the
      lions
      in-
     
     
      stead
      of
      becoming
      a
      meaty
      belch.
      He’s
      grown
      a
     
     
      bit
      since
      we
      last
      saw
      him
      three
      minutes
      ago.
      He’s
     
     
      now
      a
      big,
      handsome,
      buffed
      beefcake
      of
      a
     
     
      wildman;
      he’s
      a
      ferocious
      superstrong
      savage
     
     
      killing
      machine.
      And
      what
      do
      you
     
     
      suppose
      happens
      when
      he
      meets
     
     
      up
      with
      a
      few
      of
      the
      bad
      guy’s
     
     
      guards,
      who
      are
      attacking
      the
      film’s
     
     
      Token
      Female
      Lead?
     
    

    
     
      Violence,
      and
      lots
      of
      it!
      Oh
      boy!
     
    

    
     
      |
      won’t
      bore
      you
      with
      any
      more
     
     
      of
      the
      plot.
      It’s
      pretty
      banal,
      what
     
     
      with
      Lion
      Man
      getting
      hunted
      and
     
     
      hurt
      and
      healed
      and
      joining
      the
     
     
      resistance
      and
      learning
      to
      talk
      and
     
     
      general,
      predictable
      stuff
      like
      that.
     
     
      But
      there
      is
      one
      interesting
      twist
     
     
      about
      three
      quarters
      of
      the
      way
     
     
      through
      that
      you
      ought
      to
      know.
      In
     
     
      a
      scene
      that
      almost
      literally
      drips
      with
      irony,
     
     
      Lion
      Man
      valiantly
      sacrifices
      himself
      to
      allow
      his
     
     
      friend
      time
      to
      escape.
      He
      does
      this
      by
      hanging
     
     
      froma
      trapdoor
      to
      hold
      it
      shut.
      Unlucky
      fellow!
     
     
      The
      evil
      duke
      above
      just
      happens
      to
      have
      a
      jar
     
     
      of
      acid
      close
      at
      hand.
      What
      happens
      to
      Lion
     
     
      Man's
      hands
      is
      not
      pretty,
      nor
      does
      it
      feel
      good.
     
     
      Lion
      Man
      loses
      the
      use
      of
      his
      hands.
      That
      makes
     
     
      him
      the
      world’s
      first
      physically
      challenged
      sword
     
     
      ‘n’
      sorcery
      hero!
      Cool?
      It
      gets
      better!
      Lion
      Man
     
     
      has
      a
      blacksmith
      fashion
      a
      set
      of
      solid
      steel
     
     
      boxing
      gloves,
      complete
      with
      razor-sharp
      claws!
     
     
      He’s
      the
      first
      physically
      challenged
      sword-and-
     
     
      sorcery
      hero
      who
      can
      still
      kick
      butt!
      Even
     
     
      cooler!!!
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      quality
      of
      the
      acting
      is
      bad,
      but
      the
     
     
      quality
      of
      the
      dubbing
      is
      even
      worse.
      |
      don’t
     
     
      remember
      who
      played
      what
      role,
      but
      the
      best
     
     
      actor
      in
      the
      whole
      thing
      is
      Lion
      Man.
      At
      least
      he
     
     
      can
      look
      savage
      anduntamed
      or
      pain-racked
      and
     
     
      vulnerable
      when
      the
      script
      calls
      for
      it.
      Still,
      don’t
     
     
      expect
      any
      Oscars
      on
      this
      one.
     
    

    
     
      Scenes
      To
      Watch
      For:
      Any
      one
      of
      the
     
     
      numerous
      fight
      scenes
      will
      have
      you
      rolling
      on
     
     
      the
      floor.
      I've
      no
      idea
      who
      directed
      and\or
     
     
      wrote
      this
      little
      epic,
      but
      he’s
      got
      some
      nerve.
     
     
      The
      camera
      angles
      change
      wildly,
      the
      stunts
      are
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Lots
      of
      muscle-bulging
     
     
      acrobatics
      and
      clawing
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      people's
      faces."
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      bizarreand
      senseless,
      but
      boy
      do
      they
      look
      cool.
     
     
      The
      choreography
      is
      great
      but
      the
      dance
      is
     
     
      ludicrous.
      Here
      are
      just
      a
      few
      of
      the
      weirder
     
     
      steps:
     
    

    
     
      |.
      Lion
      Man
      leaps
      out
      ofa
      tree,
      holding
      a
      long,
     
     
      thin
      stick
      horizontally
      in
      front
      of
      his
      chest.
      As
      he
     
     
      lands,
      he
      uses
      it
      to
      first
      knock
      down
      and
      then
     
     
      strangle
      five
      soldiers
      simultaneously.
     
    

    
     
      2.
      A
      fight
      scene
      in
      a
      banquet
      hall
      that
      just
     
     
      happens
      to
      be
      equipped
      with
      parallel
      bars,
     
     
      trampolines
      and
      gymnastics
      rings.
     
    

    
     
      3.
      The
      final
      battle
      royale,
      where
      Lion
      Man
     
     
      averages
      twenty
      kills
      a
      minute
      in
      a
      fifteen
      minute
     
     
      fight
      scene.
      And
      if
      you
      thought
      the
      banquet
      hall
     
     
      bit
      was
      funny,
      wait
      until
      you
      see
      the
      rope
      and
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FIRST
      STUDENT
     
     
      COUNCIL
      MEETING
      OF
     
     
      THE
      YEAR
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sunday,
      September
      12th
     
     
      7:00
      PM
      in
      the
      Panther
      Lounge
     
    
   
   
    
     
      All
      students
      are
      welcome
      to
      attend
      —
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      14/X-Press/September
      9,
      1993
     
    
   
   
    
     
      pulley
      apparati
      that
      decorate
      the
      castle
      like
     
     
      garland
      on
      a
      Christmas
      tree.
     
    

    
     
      The
      body
      count
      in
      this
      film
      is
      also
      phenom-
     
     
      enal.
      Lion
      Man
      fights
      like
      you’d
      expect:
      lots
      of
     
     
      muscle-bulging
      acrobatics
      and
      clawing
      of
      peo-
     
     
      ple’s
      faces.
      The
      difference
      is
      the
      way
      he
      does
      it:
     
     
      you
      never
      have
      to
      worry
      about
      missing
      a
      move
     
     
      because
      he'll
      do
      the
      better
      ones
      three
      times
      in
     
     
      a
      row
      before
      moving
      on...
      and
      there
      are
      dozens
     
     
      of
      cool
      moves.
      Plus,
      Lion
      Man
      is
      unbeatable
      in
     
     
      combat
      AND
      the
      evil
      guy
      has
      hundreds
      of
      men
     
     
      guarding
      him.
      By
      the
      time
      Lion
      Man
      slices
      up
      the
     
     
      evil
      duke
      and
      tosses
      him
      off
      the
     
     
      castle
      wall,
      the
      body
      count
      is
     
     
      nearly
      200
      people.
     
    

    
     
      All
      this
      carnage
      is
      what
      really
     
     
      makes
      the
      movie.
      The
      zillions
      of
     
     
      dead
      guards
      are
      worth
      the
      rental
     
     
      cost
      all
      by
      themselves.
     
    

    
     
      Also
      listen
      for
      some
      classic
     
     
      bad
      dialogue
      in
      between
      thefights,
     
     
      and
      the
      little
      plot
      deficiencies.
      A
     
     
      good
      one:
      Everyone
      knows
      Lion
     
     
      Man
      was
      raised
      by
      lions
      as
      soon
     
     
      as
      he
      appears,
      but
      they
      never
     
     
      bother
      to
      explain
      howthey
      know
     
     
      and
      he
      doesn’t
      talk.
      |
      guess
      word
     
     
      just
      got
      around,
      huh?
      Plus,
      they
      never
      bother
      to
     
     
      give
      him
      a
      real
      name.
     
    

    
     
      And
      the
      budget-conscious
      costumes
      and
     
     
      props
      are
      good
      for
      a
      hoot
      or
      two.
      The
      head
      of
     
     
      the
      evil
      guard
      wears
      a
      blue
      helmet
      made
      froma
     
     
      hardhat
      anda
      shoe
      brush,
      and
      the
      shields
      in
      one
     
     
      scene
      are
      obviously
      made
      of
      cardboard.
      Equally
     
     
      economical
      are
      the
      sets.
      One
      clearing
      in
      the
     
     
      woods
      suffices
      for
      all
      the
      wilderness
      scenes.
      A
     
     
      small
      village
      doubles
      as
      the
      hidden
      resistance
     
     
      base.
      The
      castle
      set
      where
      most
      of
      the
      movie
     
     
      takes
      place
      is
      used
      for
      both
      the
      evil
      guy’s
      andthe
     
     
      good
      king’s
      residence
      and
      is
      reused
      and
      re-
     
     
      named
      in
      the
      sequel.
      Zac
      Campbell
      would
      be
     
     
      jealous.
     
    

    
     
      Scenes
      To
      Fast
      Forward
      Past:
      The
      plot
     
     
      scenes
      in
      between
      the
      fight
      scenes.
      You'll
      miss
     
     
      thefilm’s
      finest
      awful
      dialogue,
      and
      you’llhave
      no
     
     
      idea
      what’s
      going
      on,
      but
      you'll
      probably
      have
     
     
      more
      fun
      just
      watching
      the
      exciting
      fights.
     
    

    
     
      Judgement:
      In
      spite
      of
      the
      twisted,
      confusing
     
     
      plot,
      this
      is
      one
      of
      the
      better
      b’s
      on
      the
      back
     
     
      racks.
      You'll
      love
      the
      fights,
      hate
      the
      dialogue,
     
     
      but
      you'll
      have
      great
      fun
      watching
      both.
      There’s
     
     
      shades
      of
      Conan
      and
      Tarzan
      in
      Lion
      Man.
      Not
     
     
      many
      heroes
      are
      this
      versatile.
     
    

    
     
      Wow!
      A
      triple
      gobbler
      and
      a
      triple
      hero-
     
     
      whose-name-ends-in-A-N!
      This
      is
      a
      red
      letter
     
     
      day!
     
    

    
     
      Available
      At:
      Plaza
      Video,
      University
      Av-
     
     
      enue.
      (Obscure
      tapes
      like
      this
      are
      hard
      to
      find.
     
     
      Thus,
      |
      present
      this
      section
      not
      as
      a
      plug,
      or
      a
     
     
      free
      ad,
      but
      as
      a
      service
      to
      my
      millions
      of
     
     
      frustrated
      fans.)
     
    

    
     
      Next
      Up:
      Before
      Hot
      Shots!,
      there
      was
      the
     
     
      Naked
      Gun.
      Before
      that,
      there
      was
      Airplane.
     
     
      And
      before
      that,
      there
      was
      (Dum
      da
      da
      Dum!)
     
     
      The
      Kentucky
      Fried
      Movie!
      Bet
      you
      can
      hardly
     
     
      wait
      until
      our
      next
      edition
      comes
      out!
     
    

    
     
      TRENT
      DRAKE