Smuggling:
      A
      How-To
      Guide
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Thomas
      LLOYD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Smuggling
      is
      great.
      Recently
      I
     
     
      returned
      to
      Canada
      with
      a
      hilarious
     
     
      amount
      of
      cheap
      booze
      and
      smokes.
      I
     
     
      also
      returned
      with
      rocks,
      soap,
      flower
     
     
      petals,
      and
      stolen
      socks.
      I
      had
      to
      cut
     
     
      my
      trip
      to
      Italy
      short
      because
      my
      brain
     
     
      was
      Starting
      to
      calcify.
      I
      couldn’t
      think
     
     
      straight,
      and
      wanted
      to
      return
      to
     
     
      Canada,
      so
      I
      giddily
      packed
      my
      lug-
     
     
      gage,
      laughing
      at
      every
      article
      I
     
     
      crammed
      in.
      I
      knew
      there
      was
      no
      way
     
     
      I
      was
      getting
      into
      Canada.
      My
      carry-
     
     
      on
      alone
      had
      two
      pounds
      of
      fresh
      rose
     
     
      petals.
      And
      beside
      them
      was
      a
      bag
      of
     
     
      bread
      crumbs.
      Yes,
      I
      had
      gone
      crazy.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      When
      you
      pack
     
     
      your
      luggage
      the
     
     
      night
      before,
     
     
      remember
      that
      the
     
     
      luggage
      X-ray
     
     
      machine
      scans
     
     
      from
      side-to-side.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Then
      I
      decided
      to
      bring
      booze
     
     
      back.
      I
      packed
      a
      lot.
      Then
      the
      cigars.
      A
     
     
      lot
      of
      them,
      too.
      Booze
      and
      smokes
     
     
      make
      sense,
      but
      I
      still
      can’t
      explain
     
     
      where
      twenty
      pairs
      of
      socks
      came
     
     
      from.
      Or
      where
      all
      my
      underwear
     
     
      ended
      up.
      But
      I
      somehow
      got
      from
     
     
      Italy
      to
      Canada
      without
      getting
      any-
     
     
      thing
      seized,
      and
      I
      am
      now
      left
      with
     
     
      over
      three
      hundred
      cigars
      and
      an
     
     
      obscene:
      amount
      of
      liquor.
      So
      here’s
     
     
      my
      account
      of
      how
      I
      got
      here,
      and
     
     
      maybe
      some
      of
      these
      tips
      may
      prove
     
     
      helpful
      for
      when
      you
      go
      crazy
      in
      a
      for-
     
     
      eign
      country.
     
    

    
     
      When
      you
      pack
      your
      luggage
     
     
      the
      night
      before,
      remember
      that
      the
     
     
      luggage
      X-ray
      machine
      scans
      from
     
     
      side-to-side,
      and
      that
      your
      luggage
      is
     
     
      likely
      going
      to
      be
      placed
      right-side-
     
     
      up
      and
      the
      longest
      side
      parallel
      to
      the
     
     
      machine.
      X-rays
      read
      only
      density,
     
     
      and
      cloths
      can
      be
      packed
      really
      dense-
     
     
      ly.
      Metal
      objects
      are
      okay
      if
      randomly
     
     
      placed,
      but
      bottles
      are
      best
      placed
      so
     
     
      that
      their
      profiles
      will
      look
      like
      a
      cir-
     
     
      cle,
      not
      like
      a
      long
      bottle.
      And
      wrap
     
     
      the
      bottles
      in
      a
      lot
      of
      plastic
      bags
      in
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [4]
     
    
   
   
    
     
      case
      they
      break,
      and
      try
      to
      keep
      each
     
    
   
   
    
     
      piece
      of
      luggage
      close
      to
      the
      legal
     
    
   
   
    
     
      limit.
     
    

    
     
      -You
      can
      go
      way
      over
      the
      limit
     
     
      if
      you
      want,
      as
      I
      once
      did:
      when
      I
      was
     
     
      caught
      I
      offered
      to
      declare
      my
      1.75
     
     
      litre
      bottle,
      but
      the
      taxes
      added
      were
     
     
      way
      too
      much.
      You’re
      allowed
      to
      take
     
     
      1.14
      litres
      into
      Canada
      duty
      free,
      so
     
     
      under
      law
      I
      was
      able
      to
      ask
      them
      to
     
     
      open
      the
      bottle
      and
      make
      my
      1.75
      into
     
     
      a
      1.14.
      I
      was
      escorted
      into
      a
      wash-
     
     
      room,
      and
      the
      guy
      opened
      the
      bottle
     
     
      and
      poured
      out
      one
      or
      two
      shots.
      So,
     
     
      in
      theory,
      this
      1.14
      litres
      could
      be
      dis-
     
     
      tributed
      between
      as
      many
      bottles
      as
     
     
      you
      want.
     
    

    
     
      All
      right,
      so
      you
      get
      to
      the
      air-
     
     
      port
      with
      your
      luggage
      packed:
      with
     
     
      booze
      and
      smokes,
      and
      immediately
     
     
      your
      luggage
      is
      whisked
      away
      when
     
     
      you
      get
      your
      boarding
      pass.
      Your
      lug-
     
     
      gage
      won’t
      appear
      again
      until
      you
      get
     
     
      to
      your
      final
      destination,
      so
      unless
     
     
      your
      carrying
      something
      really
      weird,
     
     
      you
      won’t
      get
      caught
      until
      you’re
      on
     
     
      Canadian
      soil.
     
    

    
     
      Now
      you
      go
      through
      passport
     
     
      and
      currency
      control,
      and
      they
      X-ray
     
     
      your
      carry-on
      here.
      This
      machine
      X-
     
     
      rays
      from
      the
      bottom
      up,
      and
      you
      get
     
     
      to
      place
      your
      bag,
      coat,
      and
      shoes
      on
     
     
      the
      conveyer
      belt
      however
      you
      chose.
     
     
      Remember
      profiles.
      And
      remember
     
     
      that
      these
      guys
      are
      looking
      for
      spoons,
     
     
      forks
      and
      box-cutters,
      not
      two
      cartons
     
     
      of
      smokes,
      fifty
      cigars,
      or
      a
      great
      big
     
     
      glass
      bottle
      of
      whiskey.
      They
      will
     
     
      physically
      look
      through
      every
      pocket
     
     
      of
      your
      carry-on,
      at
      least
      in
      theory.
     
    

    
     
      Now
      that
      you’re
      inside
      the
      air
     
     
      terminal,
      head
      for
      the
      duty
      free
      shop.
     
     
      Buy
      your
      limit
      of
      booze,
      and
      you’ll
     
     
      get
      it
      in
      a
      bag
      sealed
      with
      tape.
      Then
     
     
      walk
      closer
      to
      your
      gate
      and
      go
      to
     
     
      another
      duty
      free
      shop,
      and
      buy
      your
     
     
      limit
      again.
      You
      can
      buy
      as
      much
      as
     
     
      you
      want,
      as
      you
      won’t
      be
      inspected
     
     
      again
      until
      you
      get
      off
      the
      plane.
      So
     
     
      get
      on
      the
      stupid
      plane,
      and
      you
      won’t
     
     
      be
      X-rayed
      again
      until
      the
      next
      inter-
     
     
      national
      airport.
      You
      can
      easily
      walk
     
     
      on
      a
      plane
      carrying
      hundreds
      of
      cigars
     
     
      and
      tons
      of
      booze,
      just
      remember
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      keep
      your
      receipts.
     
    

    
     
      When
      you’re
      on
      the
      plane
      be
     
     
      sure
      to
      stockpile
      free
      booze.
      Don’t
     
     
      even
      think
      of
      going
      near
      your
      five
     
     
      litres
      above
      you.
      Every
      time
      the
      booze
     
     
      cart
      rolls
      by,
      you’re
      entitled
      to
      ask
      for
     
     
      as
      much
      booze
      as
      you
      want.
      Drink
     
     
      one,
      hide
      one.
      Nothing
      sucks
      more
     
     
      than
      when
      you
      get
      cut
      off
      on
      a
      plane
     
     
      (it
      will
      happen),
      but
      when
      you
      are
      cut
     
     
      off
      say
      “I’m
      sorry
      and
      I
      understand.
     
     
      I’ve
      just
      been
      out
      of
      Canada
      and
     
     
      haven’t
      had
      any
      whiskey
      in
      months.
     
     
      Can
      I
      have
      an
      American
      coffee
      and
      a
     
     
      can
      of
      7-Up?”
      Put
      your
      hidden
     
     
      whiskey
      in
      your
      coffee,
      gin
      in
      your
      7-
     
     
      up,
      and
      chug
      your
      little
      bottles
      of
     
     
      wine.
      But
      do
      all
      this
      around
      two
      hours
     
     
      before
      landing.
     
    

    
     
      I
      did
      this,
      but
      the
      trouble
      I
      ran
     
     
      into
      was,
      when
      the
      customs
      declara-
     
     
      tion
      forms
      were
      passed
      out,
      I
      was
      way
     
     
      too
      drunk
      to
      fill
      it
      out.
      Then
      I
      read
      the
     
     
      legal
      limits
      for
      booze
      and
      smokes.
      I
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      thought
      it
      was
      two
      litres
      of
      hard
      liquor
     
     
      and
      one
      hundred
      cigars
      -
      I
      had
      double
     
     
      that
      in
      my
      overhead
      compartment,
      not
     
     
      to
      mention
      my
      luggage.
      The
      limit
      is
      in
     
     
      fact
      1.14
      litres
      and
      fifty
      cigars.
      But
      I
     
     
      was
      loaded
      and
      calm
      as
      a
      kitten,
      so
      I
     
     
      wasn’t
      too
      concerned,
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      made
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      This
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      important.
      Let
      the
      customs
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Remember
      that
     
     
      these
      guys
      are
     
     
      looking
      for
     
     
      spoons,
      forks
      and
     
     
      box-cutters,
      not
     
     
      two
      cartons
      of
     
    

    
     
      smokes,
      fifty
      _
     
     
      cigars,
      or
      a
      great
     
     
      big
      glass
      bottle
     
    

    
     
      -
      of
      whiskey.
      _
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
     
            
     
    
   
   
    
     
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