Dae 0 SIRBR eS e IR SSa e S EERIEIE, (tye en) 
     
    
   
   
    
     WHEN BILLY TAYLOR JOINED 
     
     THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE 
     
     ON HIS 18th BIRTHDAY, 
     
    
   
   
    
     IT WAS TO EARN MONEY FOR COLLEGE. 
     
    
   
   
    
     IN ALL HIS LIFE, 
     
     HE’D NEVER SHOT A GUN, 
     
     HE’D NEVER KISSED A GIRL, 
     
    
   
   
    
     AND HE’D NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY. 
     
    
   
   
    
     BUT NOW, THE SECURITY OF 
     
    
   
   
    
     THE NATION REST ON HIS SHOULDERS. 
     
    
   
   
    
     USA PRODUCTIONS IN CO-OPERATION WITH 
     
     RIOT 
     
    
   
   
    
     (THE REAGAN INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY) 
     
    
   
   
    
     PRESENTS 
     
    
   
   
    
     “‘WHERE THE HELLIS TRIPOLI?”’ 
     
    
   
   
    
     STARRING 
     
    
   
   
    
     Anthony Michael Hall as Billy 
     
     Bill Murray as ‘‘The Stooge’”’ 
     
     and Charles Bronson, as the deranged, obsessively patriotic, 
     
     overly right-wing commanding officer. 
     
    
   
   
    
     Title Song ‘‘Cross The Line of Death’’ perfromed by 
     
     By R.R. and the Red Bloods 
     
     Soundtrack available on Armed Forces albums and cassettes. 
     
    
   
   
    
     “Where The Hell is Tripoli’, comin in 
     
     Retaliation for all those pinko left-wing, 
     
     subversive anti-american films sometime this 
     
     Fall to a theatre or secret military installation 
     
    

    
     near you. 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     September 1, 1986 
     
    
   
   
    
     Professor Prunesquallor 
     
    
   
   
    
     By Oliver Twit 
     
    
   
   
    
     As is well known, Dr. Prune- 
     
     squallor is the most respected 
     
     professor at PEIU, the leading 
     
     university in the Viny League. 
     
    
   
   
    
     Aside from his contributions in ~ 
     
    
   
   
    
     the field of Quasiparapsi-ology, 
     
     Dr. Prunesquallor was selected as 
     
     Best Teacher at PEIU last year in 
     
     appreciation of his efforts in im- 
     
     proving the quality of university 
     
     education. 
     
    

    
     His strictness in his dealings 
     
     with students is unparalleled and 
     
     much admired by his colleagues. 
     
     He has trained an army of strict 
     
     student markers, each one as un- 
     
     yielding as he is with respect to 
     
     marking assignments. 
     
    

    
     Prunesquallor is the pride of 
     
     PEIU. In one of his many ~ 
     
     specialty fields, QPP-ology, he 
     
     proved conclusively that one does 
     
     not have to be awake to have a 
     
     QPP-normal experience, He is 
     
     also the author of many critically 
     
     acclaimed book reviews. Among 
     
     his numerous works is a review of 
     
     “The Great Brain Robbery’’. 
     
    

    
     There are endless, anecdotes 
     
     about Prunesquallor. at PEIU. 
     
     One story concerns a question and 
     
     answer period following one of his 
     
     lectures. A student stood up to 
     
     say, “I don’t understand how you 
     
     derived that formula on the left 
     
     side of the blackboard.’’ To which 
     
     he calmly replied, ‘‘That’s not a 
     
     question, but a statement of your 
     
     ignorance. Next question, please.” 
     
    

    
     Another story involves his wan- 
     
     derings about the PEIU campus. 
     
     He can be seen walking in a grey 
     
     jogging suit, oblivious to his sur- 
     
     roundings. Often, many admirers 
     
     will follow him just to see what he 
     
     is up to, not daring to disturb his 
     
     concentration. Many times, he 
     
     will simply go to a local ice cream 
     
     parlor, buy a triple-scoop cone, 
     
     and eat it on his way back, totally 
     
     absorbed, while being followed by 
     
     his numerous admirers. 
     
    

    
     One of the best known anec- 
     
     dotes concerns the discussion 
     
     period of a guest lecturer who had 
     
     been relating recent discoveries 
     
     involving quasars, stellar-appearing 
     
     ‘objects very high redshifts, pre- 
     
     sumed to be extragalactic and 
     
     highly luminous. Prunesquallor 
     
     stood up at the end of the lecture 
     
     and firmly declared to the entire 
     
     audience, ‘I don’t believe a thing 
     
     you said about quasars. In fact, I 
     
     don’t believe any of the discovereies 
     
     made during the last eighty 
     
     years!”" 
     
    

    
     Prunesquallor’s many deeds are 
     
    
   
   
    
     _ destined to be well remembered 
     
    
   
   
    
     by the students of PEIU.