Sex
      and
      the
      ‘Sity
      -
      Marketing
      For
      Dumb-Asses
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Marketing
      —
      what
      a
      bitch,”
      I
      thought
      to
      myself.
      Professor
      Ronald
      Collins
      was
     
     
      announcing
      to
      my
      introductory
      business
      class
      we
      would
      be
      entering
      this
      mar-
     
     
      velous
      stage
      of
      our
      entrepreneurial
      education.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      How
      do
      you
      get
      inside
      people’s
      heads
      in
      order
      to
      get
      their
      attention?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      read
      the
      first
      couple
      of
      chapters
      and
      was
      inundated
      with
      endless
      lists
      to
      memo-
     
     
      rize
      and
      infinite
      concepts
      I
      can
      only
      hope
      to
      one
      day
      understand.
      (The
      business
     
     
      midterm
      was
      starting
      to
      look
      more
      impossible
      when
      I
      decided
      to
      take
      matters
      into
     
     
      my
      own
      hands.
      |
      have
      recently
      been
      toying
      with
      the
      idea
      that
      anything
      I
      learn
      in
     
     
      my
      university
      career
      can
      (with
      a
      little
      imagination)
      be
      related
      back
      to
      my
      own
     
     
      life,
      a
      movie,
      or
      a
      Simpsons
      episode.)
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Wait
      a
      minute
      there,
      pilgrim,”
      I
      said.
      (Well,
      not
      really.)
      I
      realized
      marketing
      isn’t
     
     
      just
      for
      products
      that
      can
      make
      your
      brights
      brighter
      and
      clean
      the
      soap
      scum
      off
     
     
      your
      tiles.
      Marketing
      applies
      to
      all
      of
      us.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      truth
      of
      the
      matter
      is
      we
      begin
      marketing
      ourselves
      shortly
      after
      the
      doctor
     
     
      taps
      us
      on
      the
      ass
      and
      calls
      us
      “Suzie”
      —
      or
      whatever
      your
      name
      is.
      |
      was
      refer-
     
     
      ring
      to
      childbirth
      but
      if
      your
      doctor
      slaps
      your
      bottom
      on
      a
      regular
      basis
      I
      would
     
     
      say
      you
      have
      some
      choices
      to
      make.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      C
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      first
      time
      we
      cried
      is
      because
      we
      were
      tired
      and
      hungry—
      or
      just
      because
      our
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Then
      we
      grow
      up-
      crying
      doesn’t
      do
      it
      anymore
      so
      we
      have
      to
      come
      up
      with
      more.
     
     
      creative
      ways
      to
      set
      ourselves
      apart
      from
      the
      pack.
      We
      decide
      on
      things
      like
      crazy
     
     
      hair
      or
      wild
      clothes.
      Weird
      hobbies
      is
      always
      a
      winner.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Slowly
      but
      surely
      we
      grow
      comfortable
      in
      our
      own
      skins
      and
      no
      longer
      have
      to
     
     
      depend
      on
      hot
      pink
      spandex
      and
      Flock
      of
      Seagulls
      haircuts
      to
      gain
      attention
      from
     
     
      the
      masses.
      This
      transformation
      is
      a
      double-edged
      sword
      because
      with
      maturity
     
     
      comes
      responsibility.
      We
      are
      forced
      to
      find
      our
      way
      into
      the
      work
      force.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      what
      did
      our
      teachers
      and
      guidance
      counselors
      tell
      us?
      “Sell
      yourself.”
      It
     
     
      took
      me
      a
      while
      to
      realize
      they
      didn’t
      want
      me
      turning
      tricks
      to
      afford
      my
      uni-
     
     
      versity
      education.
      Luckily
      |
      ended
      up
      peddling
      newspapers
      on
      the
      streets
      of
     
     
      Charlottetown
      and
      nothing
      else.
      However,
      that’s
      just
      a
      choice
      I
      made
      —
      if
      you
      get
     
     
      regular
      ass-slaps
      from
      your
      doctor,
      you
      may
      choose
      to
      sell
      yourself
      a
      in
      a
      differ-
     
     
      ent
      manner.
      :
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      rest
      of
      us
      have
      to
      resort
      to
      resume
      and
      cover
      letter
      writing.
      [f
      done
      correctly,
     
     
      this
      will
      highlight
      your
      good
      points
      and
      downplay
      the
      bad.
      For
      instance,
      blowing
     
     
      up
      the
      chemistry
      lab
      in
      junior
      high
      can
      be
      translated
      into
      “Constantly
      sought
      new
     
     
      challenges
      in
      a
      dynamic
      environment”.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      So
      I’ve
      decided
      that’s
      what
      marketing
      is
      -
      showing
      the
      parts
      of
      yourself
      or
      a
      prod-
     
     
      uct
      to
      a
      group
      of
      people
      who
      may
      or
      may
      not
      be
      open
      to
      seeing
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      left
      butt
      cheek
      smarted.
      We
      realized
      then
      being
      obnoxious
      gets
      us
      attention
      and
     
     
      we
      continue
      to
      do
      so.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
          
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Popular
      television
      show
      The
      Simpsons
     
     
      is
      once
      again
      stirring
      up
      controversy,
      announcing
     
     
      grotesque
      twin-sister
      Patty
      will
      marry
      a
      woman
      in
      an
     
     
      upcoming
      episode
      this
      season.
      The
      episode
      will
      crit-
     
     
      icize
      U.S.
      President
      George
      Bush
      for
      his
      lack
      of
      sup-
     
     
      port
      for
      gay
      marriages.
      Does
      anyone
      else
      find
      it
      sad
     
     
      that
      The
      Simpsons
      writer’s
      are
      turning
      to
      controver-
     
     
      sy
      to
      attract
      viewers?
      How
      many
      times
      has
      one
      of
      the
     
     
      twins
      been
      married
      now,
      and
      I
      can
      recall
      several
      gay
     
     
      rights
      episodes.
      Let’s
      face
      it,
      The
      Simpsons
      haven’t
     
     
      been
      the
      same
      for
      about
      7
      years
      now.
      What
      was
      once
     
     
      a
      great
      satire
      had
      become
      mediocre
      cartoon.
      Matt
     
     
      Groening
      has
      said
      he’d
      like
      to
      keep
      the
      series
      running
     
     
      through
      till
      the
      end
      of
      their
      20th
      season
      in
      2009.
     
     
      Matt,
      you
      should’ve
      taken
      Jerry
      Seinfeld’s
      lead,
      end-
     
     
      ing
      the
      show
      while
      it
      was
      still
      funny.
      Since
      it’s
      too
     
     
      late
      to
      do
      that,
      I
      suggest
      you
      at
      least
      try
      to
      save
      what-
     
     
      ever
      dignity
      you
      can
      as
      the
      show’s
      legacy
      is
      serious-
     
     
      ly
      in
      question.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Also
      this
      week
      Yahoo
      News
      first
      reported
      the
      tragic
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Come
      Again?
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      interesting
      to
      see
      if
      this
      type
      of
      idea
      trickles
      across
     
     
      the
      Atlantic
      and
      shows
      up
      in
      North
      America.
      Gotta
     
     
      give
      credit
      to
      the
      French
      though
      for
      a
      good
      idea;
      now,
     
     
      female
      razors
      anyone?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      story
      of
      a
      Romanian
      man
      who
      cut
      off
      his
      own
      penis.
     
     
      The
      67
      year
      old
      ran
      out
      of
      his
      house
      in
      the
      middle
      of
     
     
      the
      night
      to
      cut
      the
      head
      off
      a
      noisy
      chicken
      that
      had
     
     
      been
      keeping
      him
      up.
      He
      mistakenly
      placed
      his
      penis
     
     
      on
      the
      chopping
      block,
      only
      to
      have
      his
      dog
      quickly
     
     
      jump
      up
      and
      eat
      the
      dismembered
      mem-
     
     
      ber.
      Yes,
      you
      read
      right,
      he
      mistook
      his’
      _
     
     
      penis
      for
      the
      feathery
      neck
      of
      a
      chicken.”
     
     
      That’s
      right,
      the
      dog
      ate
      it.
      I
      mean,
      I’ve
     
     
      heard
      of
      choking
      the
      chicken,
      but
      this
      is
      a
     
     
      whole
      different
      ball
      park.
      I
      don’t
      knowf
     
     
      what
      else
      can
      be
      said
      about
      this,
      but
      I
     
     
      hope
      the
      chicken
      has
      a
      good
      hiding
      place.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Tired
      of
      someone’s
      cell
      phone
      going
      o
     
     
      in
      the
      movie
      theatre?
      Well
      you
      can
      bet
     
     
      your
      grandmother’s
      last
      pension
      check
     
     
      the
      French
      are.
      The
      BBC
      reports
      that
      long
     
     
      time
      allies
      of
      silent
      art
      (think
      mimes)
      the
     
     
      French
      have
      decided
      to
      institute
      a
      policy
     
     
      to
      jam
      cell
      phone
      signals
      in
      the
      cinema.
      It
      would
      be
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      www.thesimpsons.website.pl
     
     
      UPEI
      Cadre
      October
      19,
      2004
      page
      12