The
      Last
      Horoscope
      You
     
     
      Will
      Ever
      Read:
      or
      the
      Pa-
     
     
      gan
      Guide
      to
      Armageddon
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Stephan
      MacLeod
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sagittarius
      11/23
      te
      12/
     
     
      22
     
    

    
     
      The
      eminent
      destruction
     
     
      of
      the
      world
      means
     
     
      romance
      is
      in
      the
      air,
      but
     
     
      not
      for
      you.
      She
      wasn’t
     
     
      joking
      when
      she
      said
      she
     
     
      wouldn’t
      sleep
      with
      you
     
     
      even
      if
      you
      were
      the
      last
     
     
      man
      on
      earth.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Capricorn
      12/23
      to
      1/20
     
     
      Minutes
      before
      the
      end
     
     
      of
      everything
      you
      will
     
     
      be
      mad
      at
      yourself
      for
      all
     
     
      those
      hours
      wasted
     
     
      watching
      Jonovision.
      .
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Aquarius
      1/21
      to
      2/19
     
     
      Since
      we’re
      all
      going
      to
     
     
      die
      anyway,
      farting
      in
     
     
      public
      should
      be
      the
     
     
      least
      of
      your
      concerns.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Pisces
      2/20
      to
      3/21
     
     
      Reflect
      on
      the
      past
      and
     
     
      think
      about
      how
      those
     
     
      jerks
      that
      called
      you
      ©
     
     
      “Saddlebags”
      in
      high
     
     
      school
      will
      all
      be
      annihi-
     
     
      lated.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Aries
      3/22
      to
      4/20
     
     
      Dress
      in
      black.
      It
      makes
     
     
      a
      fashion
      statement
     
     
      about
      the
      end
      of
      the
     
     
      world
      and
      it
      increases
     
     
      your
      chances
      of
      getting
     
     
      hit
      by
      a
      car
      at
      night.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Taurus
      4/21to
      5/21
     
     
      When
      doomsday
      arrives,
     
     
      start
      telling
      people
      the
     
     
      truth
      about
      the
      size
      of
     
    

    
     
      _
      fheir
      bums.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Gemini
      5/22
      to
      6/21
     
     
      Y2K
      should
      be
      fun.
     
     
      Instead
      of
      worrying
     
     
      about
      whether
      or
      not
     
     
      your
      VCR
      will
      work,
      go
     
     
      to
      the
      senior
      citizens
     
     
      building
      and
      laugh
      at
      the
     
     
      people
      with
      malfunc-
     
     
      tioning
      pacemakers.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Cancer
      6/22
      to
      7/23
     
    

    
     
      If
      you
      hear
      the
      Great
      Big
     
     
      Sea’s
      version
      of
      the
      song
     
     
      “It’s
      The
      End
      of
      the
     
     
      World
      as
      We
      Know
      It”
      it
     
     
      is
      not
      a
      sign
      that
      world
      is
     
     
      going
      to
      end,
      just
      Great
     
     
      Big
      Sea’s
      career.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Leo
      7/24
      te
      8/23
     
    

    
     
      Of
      all
      the
      ways
      to
      die,
     
     
      you
      have
      to
      be
      stuck
     
     
      with
      the
      earth’s
      demise.
     
     
      But
      cheer
      up,
      it
      beats
     
     
      catching
      a
      sexually
     
     
      transmitted
      disease
      from
     
     
      a
      monkey.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Virgo
      8/24
      to
      9/23
     
    

    
     
      If
      you
      can’t
      beat
      them,
     
     
      join
      the
      mobs
      and
      loot
     
     
      your
      own
      convenience
     
     
      store
      on
      the
      final
      day
      of
     
     
      existence.
      Liberate
      your
     
     
      slushie
      machine.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Libra
      9/24
      to
      10/23
     
    

    
     
      A
      good
      joke
      when
      they
     
     
      drop
      the
      bomb,
      would
      be
     
     
      to
      ask
      your
      neighbor
      to
     
     
      rub
      sun
      tan
      lotion
      on
     
     
      your
      back.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Scorpio
      10/24
      to
      11/22
     
     
      Try
      not
      to
      worry
      about
     
     
      exams.
      When
      the
      world
     
     
      ends,
      that
      course
      you’re
     
     
      taking
      in
      German
      won’t
     
     
      help
      you.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Letter
      from
      the
      President
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Cadre:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      am
      pleased
      to
     
     
      respond
      to
      your
      request
     
     
      for
      a
      piece
      reflecting
      on
     
     
      my
      first
      five
      months
      in
     
     
      the
      President’s
      Office.
     
     
      My
      summary
      view
      is
     
     
      that
      UPEI
      is
      in
      very
     
     
      good
      shape
      as
      it
      heads
     
     
      into
      a
      new
      century.
     
    

    
     
      I
      am
      -
      ona
      daily
     
     
      basis
      -
      appreciative
      of
     
     
      the
      fact
      that
      we
      have
      the
     
     
      highest
      quality
      people
     
     
      and
      programs.
      Our
     
     
      students,
      staff
      and
      fac-
     
     
      ulty
      are
      the
      main
      con-
     
     
      tributors
      to
      UPEI’s
     
     
      status
      as
      a
      great
      small
     
     
      university.
      Let
      me
      offer
     
     
      some
      examples
      of
      how
     
     
      people,
      making
      a
      special
     
     
      effort,
      contribute
      to
      the
     
     
      well-being
      of
      the
      Uni-
     
     
      versity.
     
    

    
     
      *The
      New
      Student
     
     
      Orientation
      was
      a
      huge
     
     
      success
      this
      year,
      dem-
     
     
      onstrating
      the
      enthusi-
     
     
      asm
      of
      our
      incoming
     
     
      students,
      and
      the
      parti-
     
     
      sanship
      of
      the
      upper
      year
     
     
      organizers.
      In
      particular,
     
     
      the
      special
      efforts
      of
      co-
     
     
      chairs
      Ryan
      Sataki
      (sic)
     
     
      and
      Nancy
      Buckle
      made
     
     
      this
      the
      best
      NSO
      ever.
     
    

    
     
      *Last
      week,
      Bruce
     
     
      Norton
      and
      Dave
     
     
      Snowie
      stepped
      down
     
     
      after
      seven
      years
      as
     
     
      UPEI
      men’s
      soccer
     
     
      coaches.
      Bruce
      and
     
     
      Dave
      exemplify
      the
     
     
      special
      efforts
      that
      our
     
     
      athletics
      coaches
      -
      and
     
     
      players
      -
      make
      to
      repre-
     
     
      sent
      the
      University
      and
     
     
      to
      build
      school
      spirit.
     
     
      One
      area
      where
      we
      need
     
     
      to
      improve
      is
      in
      the
     
     
      measure
      of
      student
     
     
      support
      for
      our
      athletics
     
     
      teams.
     
    

    
     
      *It
      is
      a
      priority
      of
     
     
      the
      Students
      Union
      and
     
     
      the
      University
      to
      achieve
     
     
      a
      new
      Student
      Centre.
     
     
      The
      SU
      executive
      has
     
     
      been
      diligent
      in
      moving
     
     
      that
      forward,
      with
      a
     
     
      particular
      priority
      on
     
    
   
   
    
     
      putting
      the
      resources
      in
     
     
      place
      to
      proceed
      with
     
     
      construction.
      Over
      the
     
     
      years,
      SU
      Manager
     
     
      Heather
      Love
      has
      been
     
     
      the
      key
      keeper
      of
      the
     
     
      flame
      for
      the
      Student
     
     
      Centre.
     
    

    
     
      This
      fall,
      UPEI
     
     
      faculty
      and
      staff
      con-
     
     
      ducted
      a
      financial
      cam-
     
     
      paign
      in
      support
      of
      the
     
     
      new
      Student
      Centre.
     
     
      The
      campaign
      was
      led
     
     
      by
      Vianne
      Timmons
      and
     
     
      Mel
      Gallant,
      together
     
     
      with
      a
      dedicated
      team
     
     
      across
      the
      University.
     
     
      The
      campaign
      was
      an
     
     
      occasion
      to
      build
      UPEI
     
     
      spirit
      through
      such
     
     
      events
      as
      a
      Murder
     
     
      Mystery
      (donated
      by
     
     
      student
      Francois
     
     
      Webber),
      a
      barbecue,
      a
     
     
      hockey
      game,
      and
      a
     
     
      concert
      by
      Barachois.
     
    

    
     
      *In
      early
      July,
      I
     
     
      wrote
      to
      each
      UPEI
     
     
      employee,
      asking
      them
     
     
      to
      send
      me
      a
      one-page
     
     
      note
      telling
      me
      what
     
     
      they
      do
      and
      what
      gives
     
     
      them
      a
      sense
      of
      pride
      in
     
     
      the
      University.
      The
     
     
      responses
      were
      enthusi-
     
     
      astic,
      with
      secretaries,
     
     
      professors,
      custodial
     
     
      staff,
      coaches,
      techni-
     
     
      cians,
      librarians,
      and
     
     
      people
      from
      across
      the
     
     
      University
      telling
      me
     
     
      that
      UPEI
      is
      a
      “gem,”
     
     
      and
      telling
      me
      of
      their
     
     
      special
      pride
      in
      seeing
     
     
      our
      students
      do
      well.
     
    

    
     
      *In
      October,
      we
     
     
      formed
      an
      inaugural
     
     
      group
      of
      UPEI
      Ambas-
     
     
      sadors,
      a
      group
      of
      gradu-
     
     
      ates
      and
      supporters
      from
     
     
      across
      Canada.
      The
     
     
      Ambassadors
      have
      taken
     
     
      up
      many
      special
      efforts.
     
     
      For
      example,
      this
      week
     
     
      there
      will
      be
      a
      big
      event
     
     
      in
      Alberton
      (700
      invita-
     
     
      tions
      have
      been
      sent
      out,
     
     
      with
      a
      view
      to
      establish-
     
     
      ing
      a
      scholarship
      to
     
     
      support
      a
      student
      from
     
     
      West
      Prince
      studying
      at
     
     
      UPE]I).
      A
      similar
      event
     
    
   
   
    
     
      in
      Calgary
      in
      late
      Octo-
     
     
      ber
      raised
      $50,000
      for
     
     
      UPEI.
      Last
      week,
      there
     
     
      was
      a
      very
      successful
     
     
      alumni
      gathering
      in
     
     
      Halifax.
     
    

    
     
      eOver
      the
      past
     
     
      month,
      I
      have
      been
     
     
      through
      my
      first
      budget
     
     
      process.
      This
      is
      when
     
     
      one
      really
      gets
      to
      know
     
     
      about
      the
      talent
      across
     
     
      the
      University,
      and
     
     
      about
      the
      special
      efforts
     
     
      that
      have
      been
      made,
     
     
      and
      continue
      to
      be
      made,
     
     
      to
      ensure
      that
      UPEI
      does
     
     
      well.
      within
      a
      tight
     
     
      resource
      context.
      It
      is
      an
     
     
      enormous
      credit
      to
      all
      at
     
     
      UPEI,
      including
      stu-
     
     
      dents,
      that
      the
      University
     
     
      has
      done
      so
      well,
      and
     
     
      has
      managed
      its
      re-
     
     
      sources
      so
      well,
      ina
     
     
      time
      of
      declining
      support
     
     
      from
      both
      levels
      of
     
     
      government.
     
    

    
     
      *Over
      the
      past
     
     
      months,
      I
      have
      taken
     
     
      part
      in
      classes
      in
      areas
      as
     
    
   
   
    
     
      diverse
      as
      Religious
     
     
      Studies,
      International
     
     
      Relations
      and
      Psychol-
     
     
      ogy.
      I
      thoroughly
      enjoy
     
     
      this
      exposure
      to
      students
     
     
      and
      to
      the
      quality
      of
     
     
      teaching
      at
      UPEI.
      I
      look
     
     
      forward
      to
      taking
      part
      in
     
     
      more
      classes
      in
      the
      new
     
     
      semester.
     
    

    
     
      These
      snapshots
     
     
      provide
      an
      insight
      into
     
     
      the
      commitment
      and
     
     
      special
      efforts
      of
      so
     
     
      many
      people,
      and
      into
     
     
      what
      it
      takes
      to
      make
     
     
      this
      a
      great
      small
      univer-
     
     
      sity.
      They
      also
      offer
      an
     
     
      explanation
      of
      why
     
     
      UPEI
      will
      do
      well
      in
      its
     
     
      new
      century,
      and
      why
      it
     
     
      is
      such
      a
      privilege
      to
     
     
      serve
      as
      president.
      In
     
     
      closing,
      I
      wish
      all
      stu-
     
     
      dents
      success
      in
      their
     
     
      end-of-semester
      evalua-
     
     
      tions,
      and
      I
      look
      forward
     
     
      to
      seeing
      you
      all
      back
     
     
      happy
      and
      healthy,
      and
     
     
      fall
      of
      enthusiasm,
      in
      our
     
     
      new
      century.
     
    

    
     
      Wade
      MacLauchlan
     
    
   
   
    
     
      cath
     
     
      |vste=zals