By
      Stephan
      MacLeod
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      14%
      of
      males
      said
      that
     
     
      they
      did
      not
      enjoy
      sex
      the
      first
     
     
      time.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      |
      was
      pretty
      nervous
     
     
      my
      first
      time.
      And
      all
      those
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      watching
      me
      didn't
      help
     
     
      either.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      60%
      of
      women
      say
      they
     
     
      did
      not
      enjoy
      sex
      their
      first
      time.
     
     
      OPINION:
      It's
      important
      to
     
     
      make
      sure
      the
      first
      time
      is
      spe-
     
     
      cial.
      Light
      candles,
      play
      roman-
     
     
      tic
      music,
      and
      wear
      a
      hockey
     
     
      helmet.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      Romans
      would
     
     
      crush
      a
      first
      time
      rapist's
     
     
      gonads
      between
      two
      stones.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I'd
      hate
      to
      see
      what
     
     
      would
      happen
      if
      he
      got
      caught
      a
     
     
      second
      time.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      It's
      illegal
      to
      have
      sex
      ~
     
     
      with
      a
      corpse
      anywhere
      in
      the
     
     
      United
      States.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      But
      it's
      perfectly
      legal
     
     
      to
      cuddle
      one.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      Harrisburg,
     
     
      Pennsylvania,
      it's
      against
      the
     
     
      law
      to
      have
      sex
      with
      a
      truck
     
     
      driver
      in
      a
      toll
      booth.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Now
      everyone
     
     
      knows
      why
      I'm
      not
      allowed
      in
     
     
      Harrisburg,
      Pennsylvania.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      Fairbanks,
      Alaska
      it's
     
     
      illegal
      for
      moose
      to
      have
      sex
      on
     
     
      the
      city
      sidewalks.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      But
      it's
      perfectly
     
     
      aright
      to
      have
      sex
      with
      a
      moose
     
     
      in
      the
      privacy
      of
      your
      own
      bed-
     
     
      room.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      Florida
      having
      sexual
     
     
      relations
      with
      a
      porcupine
      is
      ille-
     
     
      gal.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I'm
      sorry,
      but
      |
      just
     
     
      can't
      say
      no
      to
      a
      porcupine.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Up
      until
      1884,
      a
     
     
      Victorian-era
      woman
      could
      be
     
     
      sent
      to
      prison
      for
      denying
      a
     
     
      husband
      sex.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Nowadays,
      Victorian-
     
     
      era
      women
      are
      all
      dead.
      How
     
     
      do
      you
      like
      them
      apples?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      Serni
      of
      Brazil
      take
     
     
      a
      wife
      guilty
      of
      adultery,
      whip
     
     
      her
      and
      then
      expose
      the
     
     
      wounds
      to
      fire
      ants.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I'm
      sure
      it
      would
     
     
      suck
      to
      find
      out
      your
      partner
      is
     
     
      cheating
      on
      you,
      but
      wouldn't
      it
     
     
      better
      for
      everyone
      involved
      to
     
     
      seek
      advice
      from
      Dr
      Phil?
      No
     
     
      wait,
      |
      think
      I'd
      rather
      be
      tor-
     
     
      tured
      by
      fire
      ants.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      During
      the
      Middle
      Ages,
     
     
      if
      you
      were
      guilty
      of
      bestiality
     
     
      you'd
      be
      burned
      at
      the
      stake,
     
     
      along
      with
      the
      other
      party
      to
     
     
      your
      crime.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Might
      as
      well
      kill
      two
     
     
      birds
      with
      one
      stone
      -
      punish
      a
     
     
      pervert
      and
      cook
      up
      some
      lam-
     
     
      bchops.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      Asiatic
      Huns
      pun-
     
     
      ished
      convicted
      male
      rapists
     
     
      and
      adulterers
      with
      castration.
     
     
      Female
      adulterers
      were
      cut
      in
     
     
      two.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      |
      love
      it
      when
      magi-
     
     
      cians
      cut
      female
      adulterers
      in
     
     
      two.
      But
      my
      favorite
      magic
      trick
     
     
      is
      the
      ol'
      castrate
      the
      rapist
      rou-
     
     
      tine.
      Penn
      and
      Teller
      rule.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Minks
      have
      intercourse
     
     
      that
      lasts
      an
      average
      of
      eight
     
     
      hours.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That's
      a
      long
      time,
      ©
     
     
      but
      I'm
      sure
      eight
      hours
      of
      sex
     
     
      is
      not
      worth
      getting
      bitten
      by
      a
     
     
      mink.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      chimpanzee
      holds
     
     
      the
      record
      for
      the
      quickest
     
     
      mammal
      sexual
      intercourse
     
     
      session
      at
      an
      average
      of
      three
     
     
      seconds.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      What
      chimps
      lack
      in
     
     
      sexual
      drive,
      they
      make
      up
      for
     
     
      in
      companionship.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Most
      turkeys
      and
      giraffes
     
     
      are
      bisexual.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      OPINION:
      Roosters
      never
     
    
   
   
    
     
      experiment
      with
      bisexuality.
     
     
      They
      are
      too
      chicken.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      adult
      gorilla's
      penis
      is
     
     
      only
      two
      inches
      long.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That
      explains
      why
     
     
      King
      Kong
      was
      so
      cranky.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Both
      humans
      and
      fish
     
    

    
     
      share
      a
      common
      sexual
      prac-
     
     
      tice
      --
      fellatio.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      They
      don't
      call
      em
     
     
      blowfish
      for
      nothin.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Travel
      The
      World
      &
      Get
      Paid
      to:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Teach
      English
     
     
      Overseas!
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Call
      for
      Nearest
      Location
     
     
      globaltesol.com
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “If
      |
      want
      to
      see
     
     
      breasts
      I'll
      go
     
     
      on
      the
      Internet.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “You
      just
      have
     
     
      to
      pee
      in
      a
      cup
     
     
      now!”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “It's
      less
     
     
      stargazing
      and
     
     
      more
      ballspin-
     
    

    
     
      ning.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “She
      goes
     
     
      down
      so
     
     
      smooth.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      .:page
      [6]
      October
      21,
      2003:.