ADVICE
      FROM
      AN
      ISLAND
      ROCK
      STAR
     
    
   
   
    
     
      How
      To
      WIN
      BIG
      AT
      VIVA
      LAS
      BETHLEHEM*
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Topp
      MACLEAN
     
    
   
   
    
     
      me
      and
      is
      all
      like,
      “Hey,
      great
      set,
      man,”
      as
      I
      politely
     
    

    
     
      smiled
      and
      nodded,
      immediately
      glancing
      around
      the
     
     
      bar
      for
      other,
      cooler
      people
      to
      talk
      to.
      But
      before
      I
      could
      leave,
     
     
      the
      guy
      again
      speaks
      to
      me
      and
      says,
      “Yeah,
      I
      decided
      to
      come
     
     
      here
      tonight
      after
      all,
      even
      though
      I
      was
      thinking
      of
      going
     
     
      down
      to
      that
      new
      casino
      in
      town,
      but
      I
      opted
      not
      to,
      “cause
      I
     
     
      probably
      woulda
      lost
      all
      my
      money,”
      he
      snickered.
     
    

    
     
      Searching
      for
      an
      appropriate
      rock
      phrase
      to
      conclude
     
     
      the
      wearisome
      banter,
      I
      finally
      went
      with,
      “Well,
      it’s
      money
     
     
      for
      nothin’
      and
      the
      chicks
      for
      free.”
     
    

    
     
      But
      as
      I
      patted
      him
      on
      the
      back,
      and
      attempted
      to
      walk
     
     
      past
      him
      to
      talk
      to
      some
      groupies,
      he
      stops
      me
      again,
      and
      was
     
     
      like,
      “Well,
      hey
      man,
      I
      was
      just
      wondering,
      since
      you’
      ve
      prob-
     
     
      ably
      been
      to
      this
      place
      before,
      or
      maybe
      even
      played
      a
      show
     
     
      there,
      would
      you
      be
      able
      to
      give
      me
      some
      tips
      on
      how
      to
      win
     
     
      big
      at
      the
      casino?”
     
    

    
     
      Flattered
      by
      his
      compliments
      on
      my
      well-known
      gam-
     
     
      bling
      expertise,
      yet
      clueless,
      for
      I
      had
      never
      actually
      been
      to
     
     
      this
      apparent
      Island
      casino
      before,
      I
      just
      simply
      said,
      “Well,
     
     
      man,
      you’ve
      uh,
      gotta
      know
      when
      to
      fold
      ‘em
      and
      know
      how
     
     
      he
      sold
      ‘em.”
     
    

    
     
      “’..Uh,
      that’s
      ‘know
      when
      to
      hold
      ‘em
      and
      know
      how
     
     
      to
      fold
      ‘em,’”
      he
      replied
      with
      a
      frown.
     
    

    
     
      To
      this,
      I
      simply
      pointed
      to
      my
      pink
      tie-dyed
      t-shirt
      that
     
     
      I
      was
      wearing,
      as
      if
      to
      say,
      “Hello?
      Idiot?
      I’m
      a
      rocker,
      not
     
     
      Waylon
      Jennings,”
      and
      left
      the
      guy
      standing
      there
      with
      his
     
     
      thumb
      up
      his
      ass.
     
    

    
     
      However,
      just
      last
      night
      I
      actually
      had
      the
      pleasure
      of
     
     
      attending
      this
      ingenious
      temporary
      Island
      casino
      in
      town,
      or
     
     
      “Viva
      Las
      Bethlehem”
      as
      they’ve
      named
      it,
      and
      I
      had
      such
      a
     
     
      great
      time
      that
      they
      kept
      me
      there
      all
      night
      long.
      So
      now
      I’d
     
     
      actually
      like
      to
      give
      a
      reply
      to
      the
      question
      that
      this
      wonderful
     
     
      fan
      asked
      of
      me,
      which
      is,
      “How
      do
      I
      win
      big
      at
      the
      new
     
     
      Charlottetown
      casino?”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      S
      o,
      after
      one
      of
      our
      sets
      the
      other
      night,
      a
      fan
      comes
      up
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Well,
      first
      of
      all,
      for
      any
      of
      you
      who
      are
      unaware
      of
      the
     
     
      new
      temporary
      casino’s
      location,
      it
      is
      set
      up
      right
      in
      front
      of
     
     
      St.
      Paul’s
      Cathedral,
      on
      Grafton
      Street
      in
      town.
      Don’t
      worry,
     
     
      you
      certainly
      will
      not
      miss
      it,
      as
      its
      elaborate
      light
      display
      will
     
     
      attract
      even
      the
      most
      penniless
      of
      Christmas
      gamblers
      in
      the
     
     
      Charlottetown
      area
      this
      holiday
      season.
      But,
      of
      course,
      the
     
     
      casino
      will
      only
      be
      up
      from
      November
      20
      to
      about
      the
      middle
     
     
      of
      January,
      so
      be
      sure
      to
      get
      your
      gambling
      in
      before
      it’s
      too
     
     
      late.
     
    

    
     
      Once
      you
      enter
      the
      casino,
      you
      will
      be
      immediately
     
     
      baffled
      by
      the
      sheer
      brightness
      of
      the
      space—not
      just
      a
      physi-
     
     
      cal
      brightness,
      but
      an
      overwhelming
      spiritual,
      glowing
      pres-
     
     
      ence
      that
      enchants
      and
      enlightens
      all
      gamblers
      in
      Viva
      Las
     
     
      Bethlehem.
      Enjoy
      this,
      in
      all
      its
      glory.
      But
      do
      not
      let
      this
      dis-
     
     
      tract
      you
      from
      your
      task;
      remember:
      you
      are
      here
      to
      win
      big.
     
    

    
     
      Now,
      the
      innkeeper’s
      the
      guy
      who
      gives
      you
      the
      gold.
     
     
      And
      no,
      I’m
      not
      using
      gold
      as
      a
      metaphor
      here,
      you
      do
      actual-
     
     
      ly
      gamble
      with
      gold,
      along
      with
      silver,
      and
      other
      precious
      jew-
     
     
      els
      and
      elements.
      (And
      yes,
      frankincense
      and
      myrrh
      are
     
     
      included
      here.)
      So
      you
      exchange
      your
      money
      with
      the
     
     
      innkeeper
      for
      these
      gambling
      tokens.
      But
      for
      God’s
      sake
      be
     
     
      nice
      to
      this
      guy.
      He
      turned
      away
      Joseph
      and
      Mary,
      and
      he’Il
     
     
      sure
      as
      hell
      turn
      you
      away,
      by
      God.
     
    

    
     
      As
      you
      head
      into
      the
      casino
      with
      your
      gambling
      funds,
     
     
      remember:
      a
      gold
      coin
      is
      not
      in
      any
      way
      equal
      to
      a
      gold
      loonie.
     
     
      So
      be
      careful.
      And
      buddy,
      like
      any
      night
      on
      the
      town,
      you
      gotta
     
     
      have
      at
      least
      enough
      money
      left
      by
      the
      end
      of
      it
      to
      go
      to
      the
     
     
      Mega
      Zone
      for
      a
      slice.
     
    

    
     
      The
      shepherds
      run
      the
      craps
      tables.
      Don’t
      let
      their
      shy
     
     
      demeanour
      fool
      you,
      though.
      I
      caught
      them
      a
      couple
      of
      times
     
     
      rigging
      the
      wheel
      when
      I
      was
      playing,
      and
      they
      almost
      gypped
     
     
      me
      outta
      all
      my
      rubies.
     
    

    
     
      Joseph
      is
      all
      over
      the
      black
      jack
      table.
      He
      runs
      it
      like
     
     
      nobody’s
      business.
      You
      gotta
      be
      fast
      with
      the
      “hit
      me’s”
      and
     
     
      “sticks”
      or
      he’ll
      kick
      your
      ass
      out
      faster
      than
      Jesus
      healing
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      *Name
      courtesy
      of
      A.
      Gallant