Dead
      Letter
      Office
     
    
   
   
    
     
      AER
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      DLO:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Cadre
      regrets
      not
     
     
      attending
      the
      installa-
     
     
      tion
      of
      the
      new
     
     
      president
      but
      we
      had
     
     
      to
      work.
      Instead
      my
     
     
      pal
      Leo
      went
      and
      told
     
     
      me
      all
      about
      it.
     
     
      Basically
      they
      had
      a
     
     
      six
      year
      old
      prima
     
     
      dona,
      and
      some
      UPEI
     
     
      graduates
      reading
     
     
      poems.
      Poems.
     
    

    
     
      Man.
      Anyway
      they
     
     
      sold
      funky
      UPEI
      hats
     
     
      with
      the
      words
      “Join
     
     
      the
      Brain
      Gain”
     
     
      which
      sounds
      like
      it
     
     
      requires
      some
      kind
      of
     
     
      massive
      surgery.
      The
     
     
      hat
      is
      kind
      of
      ugly
     
     
      and
      it
      has
      the
      words
     
     
      “Installation”
      on
      the
     
     
      back.
      Installation
     
    
   
   
    
     
      with
      poems
      it
      should
     
     
      say.
      They
      should
     
     
      definitely
      tell
      a
      guy
     
     
      what
      he
      is
      in
      for.
     
     
      Apparently
      the
      hats
     
     
      were
      going
      for
      15
     
     
      bucks,
      but
      we
      heard
     
     
      you
      could
      get
      them
     
     
      for
      ten.
      I
      like
      an
     
     
      installation
      where
      the
     
     
      prices
      are
      negotiable.
     
     
      But
      you
      know
      we
     
     
      skipped
      it.
      But
      Leo
     
     
      also
      told
      me
      they
      had
     
     
      Dr.
      Mikey
      Place,
      the
     
     
      second
      coolest
      guy
     
     
      who
      ever
      went
      here,
      a
     
     
      former
      Cadre
      sports
     
     
      columnist,
      on
      the
      bill
     
     
      too.
      Mikey
      is
      class;
     
     
      there
      can
      be
      no
     
     
      questioning
      that.
     
     
      Apparently
     
     
      MacLauchlan
      gave
      a
     
     
      cool
      speech
      and
      had
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      entire
      community
     
     
      of
      Stanhope
      and
      his
     
     
      entire
      family
      stand
     
     
      up.
      Basically
      they
     
     
      had
      poems,
      and
     
     
      random
      standing
      up,
     
     
      and
      hats
      commemo-
     
     
      rating
      the
      occasion.
     
     
      Enclosed
      in
      this
      letter
     
     
      is
      a
      hat
      and
      the
     
     
      program.
      Which
      we
     
     
      bought,
      as
      a
      set
      for
     
     
      eight
      bucks
      from
     
     
      Curtis
      Barlow
      (a
     
     
      different
      Curtis
     
     
      Barlow).
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sorry
      Again,
     
     
      The
      Cadre
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Cadre:
      You
     
     
      people
      are
      all
      pa-
     
     
      thetic.
      Doesn’t
      any
     
     
      of
      you
      want
      to
      climb
     
     
      the
      ladder.
      You
     
     
      should
      have
      snapped
     
     
      the
      hat
      on
      right
      in
     
     
      front
      of
      the
      pres.
      His
     
     
      family
      has
      fat
      coin.
     
     
      That
      dude
      is
      going
     
     
      places.
      You
      got
      to
     
     
      make
      friends
      when
     
     
      you
      got
      the
      chance.
     
     
      Think.
      Join
      the
      Brain
     
     
      Gain
      stupid.
      It'll
      be
     
     
      filled
      with
      dope
     
     
      parties
      with
      monied
     
     
      Atlantic
      Canadians,
     
     
      where
      at
      you
      can
     
     
      practice
      your
      brown
     
     
      nosing
      skills.
      It
     
     
      would’ve
      been
      a
      slow
     
     
      smashing
      ride
      to
     
     
      fame
      and
      happiness.
     
     
      But
      you
      got
      drunk
      the
     
     
      night
      before
      and
     
     
      skipped
      the
      proce-
     
     
      dure.
      Sad
      and
      dumb
     
     
      is
      a
      very
      bad
      combi-
     
     
      nation,
      like
      bold
      and
     
     
      stupid.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Installation
     
    
   
   
    
     
      TL
      Wade
      Maclouchian,
      BBA
      LLB,
      LLM
     
     
      a
      fost
      Presson
      amd
      10-4
      ame
      rile
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      the
      Cmecms
     
    
   
   
    
     
      2:00
      pms
     
     
      Sunday,
      Uctaber
      3.
      1999
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Mora
      Stage.
      Conbodevosion
      Ceacee
      of
      the
      Aris
     
     
      Cherbssewa
     
     
      Prem
      Evhewted
      Vian
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      DLO:
     
    

    
     
      Did
      you
      notice
      the
     
     
      excessive
      use
      of
      the
     
     
      word
      “shit”
      in
      the
     
     
      first
      issue
      of
      the
     
     
      Cadre?
      Has
      this
     
     
      seemingly
      reputable
     
     
      newspaper
      resorted
      to
     
     
      the
      cheap
      gimmick
      of
     
     
      gratuitous
      cussing
      in
     
     
      an
      effort
      to
      keep
      our
     
     
      fickle
      attentions
     
     
      spans
      hanging
      on
      for
     
     
      another
      few
      lines.
      I
     
     
      think
      they
      have.
     
     
      Don’t
      get
      me
      wrong
      I
     
     
      don’t
      profess
      to
      have
     
     
      any
      particular
      prob-
     
     
      lem
      with
      the
      tech-
     
     
      nique,
      in
      fact
      I
      en-
     
     
      courage
      it.
      I
      only
     
     
      wish
      people
      would
     
     
      learn
      to
      be
      more
     
     
      creative
      with
      the
     
     
      wonderful
      world
      of
     
     
      cussing.
      So
      many
      of
     
     
      us
      have
      been
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “cursed”
      with
      filthy
     
     
      mouths,
      it
      is
      such
      a
     
     
      shame
      to
      see
      wasted
     
     
      potential
      on
      the
     
     
      tiresome
      same
      old,
     
     
      well,
      shit.
      Swearing
     
     
      is
      funny.
      hilarious
     
     
      even,
      and
      can
      be
     
     
      viewed
      as
      a
      fine
      art
     
     
      that
      demands
      experi-
     
     
      mentation
      and
      can
      be
     
     
      mastered
      by
      only
      a
     
     
      select
      few.
      My
     
     
      philosophy:
      if
      you
      are
     
     
      getting
      your
      mouth
     
     
      washed
      out
      anyway,
     
     
      you
      might
      as
      well
     
     
      take
      pride
      in
      what
     
     
      you
      say.
     
    

    
     
      I’ll
      never
      forget
     
     
      the
      day
      my
      friend
     
     
      named
      the
      heavy
     
     
      breathing
      man
      in
     
     
      History
      101,
      “Ser-
     
     
      geant
      Diaper
      Nuts.”
     
     
      This
      ingenious
      gent
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Gey
      2
      |
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      president's
      lid
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      has
      since
      coined
      a
      whole
      slew
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      phrases
      that
      bear
      much
     
     
      resemblance
      to
      the
      original,
      for
     
     
      example:
      Diaper
      Dick,
      Captain
     
     
      Crap
      Face,
      Corporal
      Cock
     
     
      Sucker,
      Major
      Penis
      Wrinkle,
     
     
      and
      Mr.
      Crispy
      Crap.
     
    

    
     
      Another
      friend
      told
      me
     
     
      about
      an
      interview
      with
      Ice
      T.
     
     
      Apparently
      he
      told
      the
      critics
     
     
      to
      “eat
      a
      bowl
      of
      dicks.”
      Do
     
     
      you
      wash
      that
      down
      with
      a
      jar
     
     
      of
      vaginas.
      A
      good
      bout
      of
     
     
      ‘road
      rage’
      is
      an
      excellent
     
     
      source
      for
      material.
      A
      long
     
     
      time
      cussing
      companion
      re-
     
     
      cently
      threatened
      the
      rat
      bas-
     
     
      tard
      who
      cut
      him
      off
      that
      he
     
     
      would
      “cut
      him
      up
      into
      little
     
     
      pieces
      and
      serve
      him
      as
      hash
     
     
      browns
      to
      his
      kids.”
      That
     
     
      same
      day,
      the
      lady
      who
      didn’t
     
     
      signal
      was
      deemed
      a
      sick
      bitch
     
     
      and
      the
      jaywalker
      a
      slut
      puppy.
     
     
      He
      didn’t
      stay
      mad
      for
      long,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      who
      could
      with
      gems
      like
     
     
      those
      rolling
      off
      the
      tongue?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      To
      the
      staff
      of
      the
      Cadre,
      I
     
     
      know
      it
      was
      just
      your
      first
      issue
      and
     
    
   
   
    
     
      you
      are
      new,
      but
      don’t
      fret.
      You
      can
     
     
      cuss
      on
      my
      friend,
      cuss
      on.