January
      26
     
    
   
   
    
     
      January
      217
     
    
   
   
    
     
      SE
      TTTE
      Ta
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Hockey
     
     
      STU
     
     
      7:00
      PM
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Basketball
     
     
      SMU
     
     
      4:00
      &
      6:00
      PM
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Basketball
     
     
      ACA
     
     
      1:00
      &
      3:00
      PM
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      CONTINUED
      FROM
      PAGE
      2
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Jeff
      recently
      broke,
      (Jeff
      has
      been
     
     
      messing
      up
      a
      lot
      lately,
      in
      fact
      he
     
     
      butchered
      last
      week’s
      issue
      so
      bad
      |
     
     
      have
      made
      him
      sit
      in
      stocks
      for
      the
     
     
      balance
      of
      the
      week,
      allowing
      him
      to
     
     
      leave
      only
      to
      do
      this
      week’s
      layout,
     
     
      and
      to
      tidy
      up
      my
      apartment)
      when
     
     
      Stephan
      walked
      in
      with
      his
      first
     
     
      attempt
      at
      the
      proposed
      column:
     
     
      “Fact
      and
      Opinion.”
     
    

    
     
      I
      was
      laughing
      hard
      after
      the
     
     
      first
      three.
     
    

    
     
      “I’m
      not
      that
      funny,”
      I
      heard
     
     
      him
      say
      from
      my
      glass-enclosed
     
     
      office
      that
      keeps
      me,
      The
      Editor,
      sep-
     
     
      arate
      from
      the
      riff-raff
      and
      other
     
     
      assorted
      goons
      who
      have
      taken
      to
     
     
      hanging
      out
      in
      here.
     
    

    
     
      Yes
      you
      are,
      Stephanson,
      I
     
     
      thought,
      yes,
      indeed,
      you
      are.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      As
      Bea
      Arthur
      once
      said:
     
     
      “Dying
      is
      easy;
      comedy
      is
      hard.”
     
     
      Thus
      proving
      it
      is
      much
      more
      diffi-
     
     
      cult
      to
      be
      funny.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Stephan
      MacLeod
      has
      a
     
     
      giant
      lemon
      in
      his
      bedroom.
      When
     
     
      asked
      why
      it
      was
      there,
      he
      respond-
     
     
      ed,
      “Well,
      isn’t
      it
      obvious?”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      We
      have
      come
      along
      way,
     
     
      young
      MacLeod
      and
      I.
      Here
      is
      a
     
     
      short
      list
      of
      the
      things
      I
      have
      done,
      to
     
     
      him,
      with
      him,
      and
      for
      him.
     
    

    
     
      1.
      Wrapped
      his
      head
      com-
     
     
      pletely
      in
      scotch
      tape
      requiring
      the
     
     
      delicate
      removal
      of
      said
      tape
      and
     
     
      some
      of
      the
      skin
      said
      tape
      was
     
     
      attached
      too.
      Principally
      the
      skin
     
     
      over
      his
      eyelids.
     
    

    
     
      2.
      Hit
      him
      directly
      in
      the
      face
     
     
      with
      a
      frisbee
      (however,
      I
      was
      aim-
     
     
      ing
      for
      the
      Styrofoam
      coffee
      cup
      he
     
     
      had
      placed
      on
      top
      of
      his
      head
      for
      me
     
     
      to
      knock
      off.
      Jeff
      did
      the
      same
      thing
     
     
      and
      didn’t
      get
      hit,
      by
      the
      way,
      so
      real-
     
     
      ly,
      who’s
      fault
      is
      it?).
      See
      figure
      A.
     
    

    
     
      3.
      Shoved
      him
      into
      multiple
     
     
      snow
      banks,
      kicked
      him,
      punched
     
     
      him,
      poked
      him,
      pinched
      him,
      and
     
     
      ripped
      the
      hair
      off
      his
      forearms.
     
    

    
     
      4.
      Made
      _innuendo-type
     
     
      remarks
      about
      the
      female
      members
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      his
      family
     
    

    
     
      I
      have
      also
      made
      him
      into
      a
     
     
      star
      of
      epic
      proportions,
      as
      a
      result
      he
     
     
      begrudgingly
      refers
      to
      me
      as
      Colonel
     
     
      Tom
      Parker,
      to
      his
      Elvis
      (Jeff
      we
      call
     
     
      Satin
      which
      is
      what
      Elvis
      called
      his
     
     
      mother
      and
      which,
      for
      some
      reason
     
     
      no
      one
      can
      pinpoint,
      fits
      Jeff
      very
     
     
      nicely).
     
    

    
     
      Now
      the
      only
      regret
      I
      have
      is
     
     
      that
      I
      have
      lost
      my
      place
      in
      this
     
     
      newspaper.
      There
      is
      no
      personal
     
     
      space
      for
      me
      to
      tell
      stories,
      fill
      you
      in
     
     
      on
      what
      I
      am
      thinking,
      and
      give
      my
     
     
      spin
      on
      the
      local
      whatnots.
      No
      place
     
     
      to,
      as
      The
      Editor,
      have
      my
      say.
     
     
      “Some
      day,
      I
      will,”
      I
      whisper.
     
     
      “Someday
      I
      will,”
      and
      then
      I
      whisper
     
     
      “Lowenstein”,
      because
      I
      really
      liked
     
     
      The
      Prince
      of
      Tides.
      Then
      I
      laugh
      the
     
     
      laugh
      of
      small
      well-fed
      children,
      and
     
     
      look
      for
      something
      to
      throw
      at
      poor
     
     
      Stephan
      MacLeod:
      the
      joker
      in
      my
     
     
      deck.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Figure
      A
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Stefan
      MacLeod
      has
      a
     
     
      winnable
      case
      against
      me,
      The
     
     
      Editor,
      for
      a
      litany
      of
      offenses,
     
     
      including:
      Human
      Rights
      Abuse,
     
     
      Assault,
      Abuse
      of
      Authority,
     
     
      Psychological
      Abuse,
      Workplace
     
     
      Torture,
      Harassment,
      and
      Flagrant
     
     
      Misspellings
      of
      His
      Name.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Stephan’s
      mother,
      Mary
     
     
      MacNeil,
      is
      the
      PEI
      representative
     
     
      for
      the
      Public
      Service
      Alliance
      of
     
     
      Canada.
      In
      this
      capacity
      she
      repre-
     
     
      sents
      the
      employee
      in
      any
      workplace
     
     
      grievances.
      And
      she
      thinks
      her
      boy
     
     
      brought
      it
      all
      on
      himself.
      She
      does
     
     
      not
      know
      me.
      Yet.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Kent
      J.
      Bruyneel
     
     
      Editor-In-Chief
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Cadre
      21