FACT:
      Puritans
      kept
      their
      sons
     
     
      from
      masturbating
      by
      wrapping
     
     
      their
      penises
      in
      leather
      or
      cover-
     
     
      ing
      them
      with
      plaster.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Nothing
      prevents
     
     
      kinky
      behavior
      in
      children
      better
     
     
      then
      wrapping
      their
      junk
      in
     
     
      leather.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Chinese
      men
      have
      small-
     
     
      er
      testicles
      than
      American
      men.
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      Americans
      may
     
     
      have
      larger
      balls,
      but
      the
     
     
      Chinese
      have
      chicken
      balls.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      average
      single
      man
     
     
      has
      ten
      sex
      partners
      before
     
     
      tying
      the
      knot.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Now
      that's
      a
      wedding
     
     
      I'd
      pay
      money
      to
      see.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      0.5
      percent
      of
      men
      have
     
     
      penises
      that
      are
      4
      inches
      or
     
     
      smaller.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      your
      penis
      is
      4
     
     
      inches
      or
      smaller,
      you're
      only
     
     
      0.5
      percent
      of
      a
      man.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      According
      to
      Penthouse
     
     
      Magazine,
      women
      complain
     
     
      more
      frequently
      than
      men
      about
     
     
      not
      enough
      sex.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Women
      wouldn't
     
     
      have
      to
      complain
      so
      much
      if
     
     
      they'd
      just
      dress
      more
      slutty.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      dendrophilac
      is
      turned
     
     
      on
      by
      trees.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      These
      people
      are
     
     
      prone
      to
      attacks
      by
      jealous
     
     
      woodpeckers.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      There
      are
      9
      million
      pic-
     
     
      tures
      in
      the
      Playboy
      archive.
     
     
      OPINION:
      |
      bet
      the
      mattress
      on
     
     
      top
      of
      that
      archive
      is
      fucking
      |
     
     
      huge.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -:page
      [14]
      September
      15,
      2003:.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT
      AND
      OPINION
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Special
      Guest
      Stephan
      MacLeod
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      According
      to
      Playboy
      it
     
     
      takes
      a
      woman
      11
      minutes
      to
     
     
      orgasm
      after
      initial
      penetration,
     
     
      but
      it
      takes
      a
      man
      only
      3
      min-
     
     
      utes.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      A
      guy
      needs
      to
     
     
      orgasm
      quickly
      because,
      unlike
     
     
      women,
      he
      has
      lots
      of
      important
     
     
      things
      to
      do
      besides
      sex.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      58%
      of
      women
      surveyed
     
     
      by
      Penthouse
      said
      they
      would
     
     
      have
      sex
      with
      a
      man
      for
      $1
      mil-
     
     
      lion.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      that's
      what
      it
      takes
     
     
      for
      these
      women
      to
      have
      sex,
     
     
      no
      wonder
      they're
      not
      getting
     
    
   
   
    
     
      any.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      4%
      of
      adult
      women
      have
     
     
      sex
      solely
      to
      keep
      their
      man's
     
     
      interest.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Have
      these
      women
     
     
      ever
      heard
      of
      puppetry?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Men
      fantasize
      about
     
     
      scantily
      clad
      women
      more
      than
     
     
      naked
      women.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      What
      does
      it
      mean
     
     
      when
      you
      fantasize
      about
     
     
      women
      draped
      in
      blobs
      of
      goo?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      average
      love
      making
     
     
      session
      lasts
      15
      minutes.
     
     
      OPINION:
      If
      you
      hate
      the
      per-
     
     
      son
      you're
      having
      sex
      with
      it
     
     
      may
      last
      even
      longer.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      73%
      of
      men
      are
      still
     
     
      potent
      at
      age
      70.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      70
      year
      olds
      are
      real-
     
     
      ly
      into
      adult
      diapers
      and
      fucking.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      20%
      of
      women
      who
      live
     
     
      with
      their
      boyfriends
      have
      anoth-
     
     
      er
      sex
      partner
      on
      the
      side.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I'd
      rather
      be
      a
      sex
     
     
      partner
      than
      a
      boyfriend.
      That
     
     
      way
      you're
      guaranteed
      sex.
      And
     
     
      being
      someone's
      partner
      sounds
     
     
      way
      more
      professional
      than
      just
     
     
      being
      their
      friend.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      20%
      of
      heterosexual
      cou-
     
     
      ples
      do
      not
      kiss
      every
      time
      they
     
     
      have
      sex.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Most
      heterosexual
     
     
      couples
      prefer
      having
      sex
      in
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
      separate
      rooms.
      But,
      that's
      just
     
    
   
   
    
     
      been
      my
      experience.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Agomatophiliacs
      are
     
     
      turned
      on
      by
      mannequins.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Remember
      that
     
     
      movie
      where
      Andrew
      McCarthy
     
     
      plays
      Jonathan
      Switcher,
      an
     
     
      artist
      trapped
      inside
      the
      body
      of
     
     
      someone
      who
      is
      utterly
      inept
      at
     
    
   
   
    
     
      any
      job
      he
      tries,
      and
      after
      a
      few
      .
     
    
   
   
    
     
      disastrous
      career
      attempts,
      he
     
     
      finds
      himself
      working
      at
      a
      man-
     
     
      nequin
      factory
      where
      he
      builds
      a
     
     
      mannequin
      whose
      beauty
      at
      last
     
     
      makes
      him
      feel
      like
      a
      true
      artist,
     
     
      but
      his
      perfectionism
      and
      slow
     
     
      work
      means
      that
      he
      is
      once
     
    
   
   
    
     
      again
      looking
      for
      a
      new
      career
     
     
      which
      leads
      him
      to
      work
      at
      a
      big
     
     
      department
      store
      where,
      coinci-
     
     
      dentally,
      his
      mannequin
      has
     
     
      ended
      up,
      and
      the
      mannequin
     
     
      comes
      to
      life
      as
      Emmy,
      an
     
     
      ancient
      time-travelling
      Egyptian
     
     
      princess
      who
      has
      never
      before
     
     
      been
      satisfied
      with
      her
      life
      in
     
     
      other
      timezones,
      and
      only
     
     
      Jonathan
      can
      see
      her
      alive,
      and
     
     
      their
      relationship
      inevitably
      caus-
     
     
      es
      much
      suspicion
      and
      rumours
     
     
      among
      the
      department
      store,
      so
     
     
      conspiring
      store
      manager
      Mr
     
     
      Richards,
      played
      by
      McCarthy's
     
     
      long-time
      pal
      James
      Spader
     
     
      hilariously
      pursues
      the
      truth
     
     
      about
      the
      mannequin
      with
     
     
      quotable
      lines
      like:
      "You
      people
     
     
      who
      work
      at
      night
      scare
      me’,
     
     
      and
      the
      mannequin
      inspires
     
     
      Jonathan
      to
      create
      the
      most
     
     
      stunning
      store
      display
      windows
     
     
      in
      Philadelphia,
      and
      his
      profile
     
     
      as
      a
      designer
      rises
      in
      the
     
     
      process,
      but
      the
      store
      security
     
     
      guard
      Felix
      and
      his
      dog
      'Rambo'
     
     
      are
      also
      working
      the
      case,
      and
     
     
      will
      stop
      at
      nothing
      to
      uncover
     
     
      the
      secret
      behind
      Switcher's
     
     
      mad
      artistic
      genius:
      'Oooh
     
     
      Switcher..you
      are
      one
      sick
     
     
      puppy’
      (Felix
      to
      Jonathan
      on
     
     
      seeing
      him
      cavorting
      with
      the
     
     
      wooden
      Mannequin),
      and
      even-
     
     
      tually,
      as
      the
      windows
      help
      the
     
     
      department
      store
      back
      into
      prof-
     
     
      it,
      even
      the
      rival
      stores
      get
      inter-
     
     
      ested
      in
      the
      action
      and
      try
      to
     
     
      poach
      Jonathan's
      talents,
      name-
     
     
      ly
      ‘Illustra’
      -
      the
      company
      of
     
     
      sleezy
      tycoon
      B.J
      Wert,
      and
      ina
     
     
      crazy
      bid
      for
      his
      services,
      they
     
     
      steal
      his
      mannequin
      and
      take
     
     
      her
      to
      the
      Industrial
      Mannequin
     
     
      Chopper
      in
      Illustra's
      storeroom?
     
     
      Neither
      do
      I.