FACT:
      The
      elements
      oxygen
      and
     
     
      hydrogen
      are
      96.5%
      of
      ocean
     
     
      water.
      The
      other
      3.5%
      is
      dissolved
     
     
      elements,
      such
      as
      chlorine,
      sodium,
     
     
      and
      other
      salts.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I’m
      a
      conservationist.
     
     
      I
      only
      drink
      water
      that
      comes
      from
     
     
      my
      own
      glands.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      About
      97%
      of
      all
      of
      the
     
     
      Earth’s
      water
      is
      saltwater.
     
     
      OPINION:
      97%
      of
     
     
      ‘Charlottetown’s
      water
      isn’t
      fit
      to
     
     
      ‘piss
      in.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘FACT:
      The
      oceans
      cover
      about
     
     
      71%
      of
      Earth’s
      surface.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Poppa
      Shine
      cover
     
     
      about
      71%
      of
      Collective
      Soul’s
     
     
      songs.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      thermocline
      is
      an
     
     
      ocean
      zone
      in
      which
      the
      tempera-
     
     
      ture
      drops
      very
      rapidly.
      It
      is
      usual-
     
     
      ly
      found
      at
      around
      300
      to
      800
     
     
      |
      meters
      deep,
      between
      the
      relatively
     
     
      warm
      surface
      zone
      and
      the
      cold
     
     
      deep
      zone.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      ain’t
      swimming
      in
      no
     
     
      thermocline.
      Imagine
      what
      that
     
     
      kind
      of
      temperature
      drop
      would
      do
     
    

    
     
      to
      your
      nads.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      thermocline
      blocks
     
     
      sonar,
      so
      it
      is
      a
      favorite
      hiding
     
     
      place
      of
      submarines.
      The
      tempera-
     
     
      ture
      of
      most
      ocean
      water
      is
      about
     
     
      39
      degrees
      Farenheit
      (4
      degrees
     
     
      Celsius),
      which
      is
      just
      above
      freez-
     
     
      ing!
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      When
      I
      play
      hide-and-
     
     
      go-seek,
      my
      favorite
      hiding
      place
     
     
      is
      Don
      Diego’s
      Tacos.
      Nobody
     
     
      would
      ever
      think
      to
      look
      there.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1955,
      Mighty
      Mouse
     
     
      Playhouse
      debuted
      on
      TV,
      begin-
     
     
      ning
      the
      concept
      of
      animated
      kids’
     
     
      shows
      on
      Saturday
      mornings.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Bleu
      Nuit
      was
      the
     
     
      beginning
      of
      naked
      French
      girls
      on
     
     
      Saturday
      night:
      TV.
      -
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      elephant
      shrew
      is
      a
     
     
      tiny
      animal
      only
      a
      few
      inches
      long
     
     
      that
      is
      the
      only
      mammal
      that
      never
     
     
      closes
      its
      eyes.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Don’t
      undress
      in
      front
     
     
      of
      an
      elephant
      shrew.
      It
      never
      clos-
     
     
      es
      its
      eyes,
      and
      it
      will
      probably
     
     
      laugh
      at
      your
      tiny
      pecker.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1981,
      a
      scientific
      study
     
     
      showed
      that
      exposure
      to
      disco
     
     
      music
      caused
      mice
      to
      become
     
     
      homosexual.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      hope
      modern
      scien-
     
     
      tists
      are
      close
      to
      discovering
      the
     
     
      effect
      of
      the
      “Macarena”
      on
      mon-
     
     
      keys.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Wine
      can
      be
      made
      from
     
     
      onions.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      you
      really
      want
      to
     
     
      impress
      the
     
     
      ladies,
      offer
      them
     
     
      a
      40
      of
      onion
     
     
      juice.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1975,
     
     
      a
      scientific
      study
     
     
      reported
      the
      dis-
     
     
      covery
      of
      electri-
     
     
      cal
      communica-
     
     
      tion
      between
      two
      containers
      of
     
     
      yogurt.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Knock!
      Knock!
      Whos
     
     
      there?
      Yogurt.
      Yogurt
      who?
      Yo,
     
     
      Gurt!
      Where
      the
      fuck
      is
      my
     
     
      banana,
      beotch?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      average
      number
      of
      cats
     
     
      in
      U.S.
      households
      is
      2.2.
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      average
      number
     
     
      of
      cats
      in
      Snoop
      Doggy
      Dogg’s
     
     
      house
      is
      nine
      trizay.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1983,
      a
      cat
      accidentally
     
     
      shot
      its
      owner
      when
      it
      jumped
      on
      a
     
     
      loaded
      handgun
      that
      was
      lying
      on
      a
     
     
      coffee
      table.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      that
      was
      Snoop
     
     
      Doggy
      Dogg’s
      cat,
      the
      little
      fucker
     
     
      would
      either
      be
      dead,
      or
      rolling
     
     
      with
      his
      posse
      during
      drive-bys.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Hamsters
      no
      longer
      exist
      in
     
     
      the
      wild.
      All
      of
      the
      pet
      hamsters
      in
     
     
      the
      world
      are
      descended
      from
      a
     
     
      single
      animal
      (female)
      that
      was
     
     
      captured
      in
      Siberia
      in
      1930.
     
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      a
      lot
      of
      fucking
     
     
      for
      one
      hamster.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      scientific
      study
      has
     
     
      shown
      that
      for
      previously
      inactive
     
     
      adults,
      for
      each
      mile
      walked,
      their
     
     
      life-is
      lengthened
      by
      21
      minutes.
     
     
      The
      average
      out-of-shape
      adult
     
     
      takes
      more
      than
      21
      minutes
      to
      walk
     
     
      one
      mile.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      For
      every
      21
      minutes
     
     
      spent
      watching
      Spin
      City,
      out-of-
     
     
      shape
      adults
      lose
      21
      minutes
      of
     
     
      their
      lives.
      :
     
    

    
     
      FACT:
      Every
      year,
      about
      8,000
     
     
      people
      are
      injured
      by
      musical
     
     
      instruments.
     
     
      OPINION:
     
     
      Streetgangs
      that
     
     
      pack
      oboes
      get
     
     
      static
      from
      the
     
     
      police
      24-7.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      z
     
     
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      odds
     
     
      are
      one
      in
      20,000
     
     
      for
      a
      fatal
      fall
      for
     
     
      rock
      climbers.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      odds
      one
      in
     
     
      20,000
      that
      a
      yuppy
      who
      wears
     
     
      rock
      climbing
      clothes
      has
      ever
     
     
      climbed
      a
      rock.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      material
      used
      in
      the
     
     
      non-stick
      surfaces
      of
      pots
      and
      pans
     
     
      can
      break
      off
      and
      contaminate
      the
     
     
      food
      you
      eat.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      material
      used
      to
     
     
      stick
      Post
      It
      notes
      tastes
      like
      a
      bit
     
     
      like
      Scotch
      tape,
      but
      it’s
      a
      bit
      more
     
     
      exotic,
      and
      yellow.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      first
      home
      air-freshen-
     
     
      er
      was
      developed
      to
      control
      odors
     
     
      in
      the
      lion
      house
      of
      the
      Bronx
      Zoo.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Pictou
      smells
      like
      the
     
     
      Bronx
      Zoo’s
      shit
      house.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1919,
      a
      deodorant
      com-
      |
     
     
      pany
      first
      came
      up
      with
      the
      concept
      |
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      “B.O.”
      during
      a
      successful
      ad
     
     
      campaign.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Enigizer’s
      ads
      with
     
     
      that
      Australian
      guy
      that
      said
      “Oi”
     
     
      all
      the
      time
      was
      the
      first
      campaign
     
     
      that
      made
      people
      think
      they’d
     
    
   
   
    
     
      smell
      bad
      if
      they
      used
      the
      product.
      |
      _
     
    
   
   
    
     
      :
      Se
     
     
      FACT:
      In
      1956,
      Bette
      Nesmith
      |...
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Graham
      created
      Liquid
      Paper
      to
      fix
     
     
      her
      typing
      mistakes.
      Her
      son,
     
     
      Michael
      Nesmith,
      was
      one
      of
      the
     
     
      original
      Monkees.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      After
      the
      Monkees
     
     
      were
      formed,
      Bette
      Nesmith
      soon
     
     
      realized
      that
      Liquid
      Paper
      can’t
      fix
     
     
      every
      mistake.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      On
      some
      of
      the
      islands
      in
     
     
      the
      Pacific,
      locals
      favor
      a
      special
     
     
      delicacy:
      spam
      sushi.
      eg
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Spam
      sushi
      sounds
     
    
   
   
    
     
      disgusting,
      but
      I’m
      sure
      it’s
      not
      as
     
     
      bad
      as
      Jello
      Pudding
      Pops..
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      island
      in
      the
      Pacific
     
     
      Ocean
      has
      a
      population
      of
      cats
      that
     
     
      are
      all
      completely
      black.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Snoop
      Doggy
      Dogg
     
     
      rolls
      with
      a
      white
      cat
      named
     
     
      Rease’s
      Pieces,
      and
      he
      has
      a
      ferret
     
     
      named
      Skittles.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Wrigley’s
      found
      that
      when
     
     
      the
      economy
      was
      in
      a
      slump,
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      chewed
      more
      gum.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      When
      the
      economy
      is
     
     
      good,
      less
      gum
      is
      chewed
      because
     
     
      more
      people
      can
      afford
      to
      chew
     
     
      nuggets
      of
      gold
      and
      iron
      ore
     
     
      instead.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      If
      an
      alligator
      is
      turned
     
     
      upside
      down,
      it
      will
      pass
      out.
      ~
     
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      the
      best
      time
      to
     
     
      tickle
      one.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      2
      Gee
      teri
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ee