FACT:
      Your
      urine
      will
      turn
      bright
      yel-
     
     
      low
      if
      you
      eat
      too
      much
      asparagus.
     
     
      OPINION:
      If
      farmers
      were
      smart,
     
     
      they’d
      change
      the
      name
      of
      asparagus
      to
     
     
      glow-in-the-dark
      pissberries.
      But
      farm-
     
     
      ers
      are
      not
      smart.
      That’s
      why
      they
      live
     
     
      on
      farms.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      One
      radio
      station
     
     
      banned
      an
      ad
      for
      tooth-
     
     
      paste
      in
      the
      1920s
      because
     
     
      the
      subject
      was
      thought
      to
     
     
      be
      too
      racy.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Radio
      stations
     
     
      back
      then
      were
      really
      sen-
     
     
      sitive
      about
      offending
      audi-
     
     
      ences
      with
      racy
      commer-
     
     
      cials
      during
      broadcasts
      of
     
     
      The
      Amos
      and
      Andy
      Show.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1946,
      the
      first
      slinky
      was
      pro-
     
     
      duced.
      Only
      400
      were
      made
      and
      sold
     
     
      out
      in
      one
      and
      a
      half
      at
      a
      department
     
     
      store
      in
      New
      York
      City.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      people
      were
      that
     
     
      impressed
      with
      something
      stupid
      that
     
     
      can
      walk
      down
      stairs,
      they’d
      love
      my
     
     
      cousin
      Rudy.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      ancient
      Greece,
      the
      word
      tele-
     
     
      phone
      meant
      shouting
      from
      one
      person
     
     
      to
      another
      over
      a
      distance.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      In
      ancient
      Greece,
      e-mail
     
     
      meant
      yelling
      to
      fifty
      different
      people
     
     
      about
      some
      little
      girl
      dying
      of
      a
      disease
     
     
      so
      Bill
      Gates
      would
      donate
      one
      dollar
     
     
      for
      each
      yell
      towards
      the
      little
      girl’s
     
     
      operation.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      Eisenhower
      interstate
      sys-
     
     
      tem
      requires
      that
      one
      mile
      in
      every
      five
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [24]
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      must
      be
      straight.
      These
      straight
      sections
     
     
      are
      usable
      as
      airstrips
      in
      times
      of
      war
      or
     
     
      other
      emergencies.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      rest
      of
      the
      interstate
     
     
      system
      is
      gay.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Vancouver
      Island
      marmots
      com-
     
     
      municate
      by
      physical
      contact
      and
      by
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘whistling.
      Their
      most
      frequent
      call
      is
      a
     
     
      high-pitched
      whistle,
      which
      warns.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      colony
      members
      of
      danger.
      Hence
      one
     
     
      local
      nickname—whistle
      pig.
     
     
      OPINION:
      That
      was
      my
      nickname
      in
     
     
      highschool.
      Except
      instead
      of
      “whistle”
     
     
      it
      was
      “ass”.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      UPEI
      Barn
      opened
      in
      1971
     
     
      as
      the
      University’s
      student
      centre.
     
     
      OPINION:
      It
      still
      functions
      as
      the
      sym-
     
     
      bolic
      hangout
      for
      UPEI’s
      redneck
      popu-
     
     
      lation
      (when
      they’re
      finished
      mating
      at
     
     
      Burger
      King).
      :
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1972
      the
      Lady
      Panthers
      field
     
     
      hockey
      team
      won
      the
      Atlantic
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Intermediate
      championship.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Field
      hockey
      is
      like
      ice
     
     
      hockey
      except
      for
      the
      chance
      that
      a
      bird
     
     
      might
      shit
      on
      your
      head
      during
      second
     
     
      period.
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1977
      the
      UPEI
     
     
      women’s
      curling
      team
      won
     
     
      the
      AUAA
      championship.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Is
      it
      just
      me,
      or
     
     
      does
      anyone
      else
      find
      a
     
     
      bunch
      of
      women
      with
     
     
      brooms
      screaming
      “Hard!”
     
     
      erotic?
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1988
      the
      UPEI
      Panthers
      won
     
     
      second
      AUAA
      men’s
      basketball
      and
     
     
      third
      men’s
      hockey
      championships.
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      only
      winners
      in
      UPEI’s
     
     
      athletic
      department
      this
      year
      are
      the
     
     
      people
      who
      bet
      money
      against
      the
     
     
      Panthers.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      first
      Masters
      Degree
      at
     
     
      UPEI
      was
      awarded
      in
      1989.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Anyone
      who
      feels
      the
      need
     
     
      to
      be
      called
      “Master”
      should
      train
      in
     
     
      martial
      arts,
      or
      find
      a
      prostitute.
      Either
     
     
      way,
      that
      person
      will
      save
      money
     
     
      instead
      of
      wasting
      it
      at
      UPEI.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      UPEI
      celebrated
      its
      25th
     
     
      Anniversary
      in
      1994,
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      25
      years
      of
      rednecks
      learn-
     
     
      ing
      to
      read
      books
      is
      reason
      enough
      to
     
     
      celebrate.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Drinking
      100
      cups
      of
     
     
      coffee
      in
      4
      hours
      will
      kill
     
     
      the
      average
      adult.
     
     
      OPINION:
      But
      it’s
      perfectly
     
     
      safe
      for
      small
      children.
      |
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1999,
      UPEI’s
      campus
      radio
     
     
      station,
      CIMN,
      was
      shut
      down
      by
     
     
      Student
      Union
      President
      Andrew
     
     
      Peppin.
      .
     
     
      OPINION:
      Any
      radio
      station
      that
      does-
     
     
      n’t
      play
      Phil
      Collins
      every
      hour
     
     
      deserves
      to
      be
      shut
      down.
      Way
      to
      go
     
     
      Peppin,
      you
      fucking
      idiot.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      On
      November
      30,
      1618,
      the
      first
     
     
      Thanksgiving
      was
      held
      in
      North
     
     
      America.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Thanksgiving
      is
      the
      day
     
     
      when
      Americans
      remember
      that
      the
     
     
      Pilgrims
      and
      the
      Indians
      had
      a
      dinner.
     
     
      But
      in
      reality,
      that
      never
      actually
      hap-
     
     
      pened.
      Pilgrims
      and
      Indians
      are
      ficti-
     
     
      tious
      holiday
      characters
      like
      the
      Easter
     
     
      Bunny,
      the
      groundhog,
      and
      Queen
     
     
      Victoria.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Life
      expectancy
      for
      women
      in
     
     
      the
      United
      States
      is
      82.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      once
      read
      a
      birthday
      card
     
     
      that
      said
      “82
      isn’t
      old...if
      you’re
      a
      tree.”
     
     
      I
      didn’t
      find
      the
      joke
      very
      funny,
      but
      I
     
     
      had
      to
      run
      after
      reading
      it
      because
      that
     
     
      damn
      82
      year
      old
      caught
      me
      stealing
     
     
      her
      mail
      again.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      During
      a
      pro
      football
      game
      in
     
     
      New
      York,
      a
      giant
      inflatable
      lawn
     
     
      mower
      being
      used
      for
      a
      promotion
      fell
     
     
      into
      the
      stands
      and
      killed
      a
      spectator.
     
     
      OPINION:
      I
      can
      barely
      fit
      a
      small
      cat
     
     
      under
      my
      lawn
      mower,
      but
      imagine
      the
     
     
      splatter
      a
      football
      fan
      would
      make.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      traditional
      gourmet
      delicacy
     
     
      in
      France
      is
      cow
      brain
      fritters.
     
     
      OPINION:
      You
      could
      put
      the
      name
      of
     
     
      anything
      in
      front
      of
      the
      word
      fritter,
      and
     
     
      it
      would
      automatically
      sound
      like
      a
      bad
     
     
      idea.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Employment
      has
      now
     
     
      reached
      a
      point
      where
      the
     
     
      average
      establishment
      size
     
    
   
   
    
     
      in
      the
      industry’
      has
     
     
      increased
      by
      nearly
      69%
      in
     
     
      only
      9
      years.
      These
      larger
     
     
      firms
      are
      more
      productive
     
     
      and
      by
      exploiting
     
     
      economies
      of
      scale,
      are
     
     
      better
      able
      to
      compete
      in
     
     
      international
      markets.
     
     
      OPINION:
      There
      is
      no
      stop-
     
     
      ping
      the
      Canadian
      furniture
     
     
      industry
      in
      its
      quest
      for
     
     
      world
      domination.
      They
     
     
      control
      our
      supply
      of
      tables
     
     
      and
      chairs.
      If
      it
      weren’t
      for
     
     
      them,
      we’d
      be
      eating
      off
     
     
      the
      floor
      like
      a
      bunch
      of
     
     
      Frenchmen.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Harry
      Houdini
      figured
      out
      how
     
     
      to
      escape
      from
      straight
      jackets
      when
      he
     
     
      was
      only
      22
      years
      old.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      nothing.
      I’ve
      been
     
     
      escaping
      from
      straight
      jackets
      ever
     
     
      since
      my
      Dad
      started
      home
      schooling
     
     
      me.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      fisherman
      in
      Ohio
      was
      killed
     
     
      when
      a
      bluegill
      he
      caught
      flipped
      into
     
     
      his
      mouth
      and
      choked
      him
      to
      death.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      Now
      that’s
      poetic
      justice.
      I
     
     
      was
      disappointed
      by
      John
      Singleton’s
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~