e-
      The
      Panther
      Prints
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      :
      March
      25,
      1997
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      There
      Ought
      to
      Be
      a
      Law
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      President
      of
      the
      World,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      After
      much
      considera-
     
     
      tion
      and
      thought,
      I
      truly
      believe
     
     
      that
      there
      ought
      to
      be
      laws,
     
     
      besides
      the
      ones
      that
      already
     
     
      exist,
      to
      cover
      those
      topics
      and
     
     
      issues
      not
      considered
      to
      be
     
     
      important
      enough
      on
      which
      to
     
     
      waste
      the
      government’s
      time
     
     
      and
      money.
      These
      laws
      would
     
     
      cover
      the
      day-to-day
      vagaries
     
     
      and
      petty
      annoyances
      of
      Mr
     
     
      and/or
      Ms
      J.
      Q.
      Public.
      No
     
     
      real
      punishment
      for
      breaking
      a
     
     
      law
      is
      necessary;
      a
      simple
      “you
     
     
      broke
      the
      law
      of
      so
      and
      so,
      or
     
    
   
   
    
     
      such
      and
      such,
      so
      please
      apolo-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Bch
      suffice.
      For
      instance:
     
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
    

    
     
      -
      against
      men
      who,
      upon
      extri-
     
     
      cating
      themselves
      from
      a
      diffi-
     
     
      .
      cult
      relationship,
      promptly
     
     
      ‘
      launch
      themselves
      and
      their
     
    

    
     
      :
      baggage
      on’some
      poor,
      unsus-
     
     
      _pecting
      woman.
      Men
      should
     
     
      _be
      required
      to
      live
      alone
      in
      a
     
     
      |
      remote,
      primitive
      hut
      in
      North-
     
    

    
     
      _
      ‘ern
      Québec
      during
      the
      winter
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      until
      they
      return
      to
      their
      senses
     
     
      (at
      least
      six
      months),
      uncover
     
     
      what
      when
      wrong
      in
      their
      rela-
     
     
      tionship,
      and
      atone
      for
      their
     
     
      mistakes
      (we
      know
      they
      made
     
     
      some
      mistakes
      too).
      I
      would
     
     
      also
      appreciate
      the
      opportu-
     
     
      nity
      to
      have
      them
      pass
      before
     
     
      acommittee
      to
      judge
      their
      abil-
     
     
      ity
      to
      carry
      on
      a
      new
      relation-
     
     
      ship,
      but
      I
      guess
      that’s
      asking
      1
     
     
      too
      much.
     
    

    
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
     
      wherein
      professors
      must
      make
     
     
      sure
      that
      any
      written
      assign-
     
     
      ments
      donot
      conflict
      with
      those
     
     
      of
      another
      professor.
      Picture
     
     
      this:
      end
      of
      term,
      five,
      five-to-
     
     
      seven
      page
      papers
      in
      three
     
     
      different
      languages
      and
      three
     
     
      different
      writing
      styles,
      for
      five
     
     
      different
      professors
      due
      on
      the
     
     
      same
      day
      (and
      don’t
      forget
      the
     
    

    
     
      “works
      cited”
      page
      according
     
     
      to
      the
      MLA
      format).
      These
     
     
      papers
      do
      not
      include
      those
     
     
      papers
      that
      were
      not
      completed
     
     
      onl
      time
      for
      the
      last
      same-day
     
     
      deadline
      for
      those
      same
      five
     
    
   
   
    
     
      \
     
    
   
   
    
     
      professors.
     
    

    
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
     
      banning
      horrible
      smells
      from
     
     
      my
      personal
      space.
      These
     
     
      smells
      include
      such
      offensive
     
     
      perfumes
      as
      Poison
      (definitely
     
     
      nota
      misnomer)
      and
      Glade
      Air
     
     
      Freshener
      (what
      air
      was
      the
     
     
      inventor
      breathing
      if
      he
      or
      she
     
     
      thought
      that
      smell
      was
      fresh
     
    

    
     
      air?).
      In
      my
      apartment
      build-
     
     
      ing,
      a
      little
      old
      lady
      from
      the
     
     
      first
      floor
      sprays
      somuch
      Glade
     
     
      thatthe
      noxious
      odours
      gust
      up
     
     
      to
      my
      third-floor
      apartment
     
     
      and
      render
      me
      senseless.
     
    

    
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
     
      preventing
      students
      from
      us-
     
     
      ing
      the
      computers
      in
      the
      vari-
     
     
      ous
      campus
      computer
      labs
     
     
      from
      playing
      shoot-out
      games
     
     
      during
      the
      last
      few
      weeks
      of
     
     
      term.
      First,
      computers
      are
     
     
      scarce
      and
      should
      be
      available
     
     
      to
      students
      who
      have
      those
     
     
      multiple
      term
      papers
      to
      com-
     
     
      plete.
      Second,
      cries
      such
      as,
     
     
      “Where
      are
      you
      now?”
     
     
      eee
      and
      “Hit
      him
      with
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      phaser
      beam”
      are
      disrup-
     
     
      tive
      when
      one
      is
      trying
      to
      com-
     
     
      pare
      the
      relative
      merits
      of
      but-
     
     
      lers
      in
      “Jeeves”
      and
      “Remains
     
     
      of
      the
      Day”,
      or
      write
      a
      ten-
     
     
      page
      essay
      in
      French
      on
      the
     
     
      hidden
      theme
      in
      “Le
      Temps
     
     
      Sauvage”.
     
    

    
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
     
      against
      healthy
      professors
      and
     
     
      students
      using
      the
      elevators
      in
     
     
      campus
      buildings
      to
      go
      up
      or
     
     
      down
      one
      floor.
      I
      suppose
      the
     
     
      audio-visual
      staff
      should
      walk
     
     
      up
      and
      down
      those
      very
      same
     
     
      floors
      with
      the
      monitors
      and
     
     
      VCR’s
      that
      have
      to
      be
      deliv-
     
     
      ered
      in
      the
      ten
      to
      fifteen
      minute
     
     
      delay
      between
      classes?
      Or
     
     
      what
      about
      the
      handicapped
     
     
      professors
      and
      students
      -
     
     
      should
      they
      try
      to
      walk
      up
      or
     
     
      down
      also
      while
      waiting
      for
     
     
      the
      rest
      of
      the
      campus
      to
      finish
     
     
      joy-riding?
     
    

    
     
      There
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
     
     
      against
      manipulative
      ex-
     
     
      spouses,
      messy,
      whiny
      chil-
     
     
      ort
      pany’
      language,
      mall
     
    
   
   
    
     
      muzak,
      unnecessary
      violence,
     
     
      smelly
      cats,
      excessive
      home-
     
     
      work,
      rampant
      feminists,
      boor-
     
     
      ish
      chauvinists,
      too
      much
      rain
     
     
      in
      the
      summer
      and
      too
      little
     
     
      snow
      in
      the
      winter.
      I’m
      sure
     
     
      that
      there
      are
      other
      things
     
     
      which
      should
      require
      laws,
      but
     
     
      I
      feel
      that
      I’m
      starting
      to
      rant;
     
     
      so,
      I'll
      stop.
      (Perhaps
      there
     
     
      ought
      to
      be
      a
      law
      against
      me
     
     
      ranting,
      too?)
     
    

    
     
      Well,
      President,
      I
      real-
     
     
      ize
      that
      my
      request
      is
      futile,
      but
     
     
      while
      writing
      this
      letter
      I
      dis-
     
     
      covered
      the
      answer
      to
      my
      di-
     
     
      lemma.
      I
      shall
      buy
      a
      Nerf
     
     
      Defender,
      only
      $40
      on
      page
     
     
      536
      ofthe
      1996
      Sears
      Wish
     
     
      Book,
      and
      fully
      equipped
      with
     
     
      foam
      arrows
      and
      target.
     
     
      Whenever
      anyone
      breaks
      one
     
     
      of
      the
      unwritten
      laws,
      |
      will
     
     
      shootthem
      and
      cry,
      “you
      broke
     
     
      the
      law‘of
      such
      and
      such,
      so
     
    
   
   
    
     
      please
      apologize.”
      I
      suggest
     
     
      you
      do
      the
      same.
     
     
      Yours
      very
      respectfully,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Beth
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
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