Tops
      off
      to
      talking
     
    
   
   
    
     
      about
      breasts
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      WARNING:
      The
      following
     
     
      article
      contains
      harsh
      language
     
     
      that
      may
      be
      considered
      offensive
     
     
      by
      some
      readers.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      NANCY
      FRIEDLAND
     
     
      The
      Varsity
     
    
   
   
    
     
      have
      a
      weakness
      for
      fine
      under
     
     
      I
      wear.
      As
      unfortunate
      as
      this
      may
     
     
      seem,
      itis
      not
      as
      costly
      and
      uncon-
     
     
      scionable
      as
      my
      pathetic
      penchant
      for
     
     
      nice
      brassieres.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      say
      pathetic
      for
      two
      reasons.
      For
      one,
     
     
      the
      constant
      and
      insatiable
      desire
      to
      pos-
     
     
      sess
      more
      and
      more
      of
      these
      useful,
      albeit
     
     
      frivolous,
      fashion
      items
      is
      the
      direct
      re-
     
     
      sultof
      misogynist
      propaganda
      that
      infil-
     
     
      trates
      every
      media
      image
      which,
      in
      turn,
     
     
      is
      part
      of
      the
      huge
      conspiracy
      conducted
     
     
      to
      enslave
      women
      by
      forcing
      them
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      spend
      an
      inordinate
      proportion
      of
      their
      _
     
    
   
   
    
     
      hard-earned-60-percent-of-what-men-
     
     
      make
      to
      achieve
      an
      artificial,
      impossi-
     
     
      ble,
      male-
      projected
      fantasy
      ideal.
      That,
     
     
      ny
      friends,
      is
      pathetic.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Also,
      the
      whole
      process
      of
      procurement
     
     
      isdegrading.
      Lingerie
      salesladies
      (and
      I
     
     
      do
      mean
      Jadies)
      are
      cruel.
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
        
     
     
         
     
     
           
     
     
          
     
     
          
     
     
        
     
     
          
     
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      So
      why
      do
      I
      subject
      myself
      to
      this
      abuse?
     
     
      Variety,
      I
      say.
      I
      like
      to
      choose
      how
      I
      want
     
     
      0
      display
      my
      breasts,
      for
      whom
      and
      when.
     
     
      Sometimes
      I
      like
      my
      breasts
      to
      be
      com-
     
     
      fortable,
      sometimes
      I
      want
      them
      to
      look
     
     
      tice.
      Sometimes
      I
      want
      them
      to
      be
      part
      of
     
     
      hy
      sexuality,
      sometimes
      I
      don’t.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      this
      is
      apparently
      where
      the
      problem
     
     
      *s.
      According
      to
      the
      cops,
      my
      breasts
     
     
      e
      sexual
      all
      the
      time.
      Weird,
      I
      say,
     
     
      “cause
      they
      aren’t
      sexual
      all
      the
      time.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘Youwant
      something
      that
      will
      slim
      you
     
     
      wn,
      Lift
      youup
      and
      bring
      you
      out.
      Up
      and
     
     
      tky!”?
      she
      says,
      trying
      to
      copa
      feel.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      fhe
      thing
      is,
      sexual
      or
      not,
      the
      lingerie
     
     
      hleslady
      holds
      a
      great
      deal
      of
      power
      in
     
     
      “thot
      little
      hands.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Why
      are
      breasts
      so
      powerful?
      Why
      are
     
     
      there
      more
      nouns
      and
      adjectives
      devoted
     
     
      to
      these
      two
      mounds
      of
      flesh
      on
      a
      wom-
     
     
      an’s
      body
      than
      there
      are
      names
      for
      differ-
     
     
      ent
      kinds
      of
      cheese?
      Why
      did
      one
      wom-
     
     
      an’s
      choice
      to
      bare
      her
      breasts
      to
      the
      wind
     
     
      ona
      hotsummer’s
      day
     
     
      last
      year
      create
      a
      big-
     
     
      ger
      media
      cufuffel
     
     
      than
      other,
      clearly
     
     
      more’
      important,
     
     
      feminist
      issues?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      was
      fortunate
     
     
      enough
      to
      be
      part
      of
     
     
      the
      joyous
      festivities
     
     
      in
      both
      Guelph
      and
     
     
      Waterloo
      on
      the
     
     
      weekend
      anniversary
     
     
      of
      Gwen
      Jacob’s
      arrest.
      In
      these
      two
      small
     
     
      Ontario
      cities,
      breasts
      are
      one
      hot
      topic.
     
     
      Hotter
      than
      Melrose
      Place.
      Hotter
      than
     
     
      Drew
      Barrymore
      naked
      in
      a
      field.
      Hotter
     
     
      than
      all
      four
      members
      of
      Moxy
      Fruvous
     
     
      skewered
      over
      a
      slow-roasting
      flamepit
     
     
      beyond
      the
      gates
      of
      hell.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Guelph
      uprising
      went
      above
      and
      be-
     
     
      low
      the
      call
      of
      feminism.
      Men,
      scumpigs
     
     
      emerging
      from
      the
      dark
      underbelly
      of
     
     
      society,
      and
      precious
      few
      women
      joined
     
     
      hands
      in
      the
      sacred
      name
      of
      nakedness.
     
     
      Revolting
      against
      the
      strong
      arm
      of
      the
     
     
      law,
      these
      kindly
      folk
      took
      time
      from
     
     
      their
      busy
      lives
      to,
      as
      one
      man
      so
      elo-
     
     
      quently
      put
      it,
      ‘‘see
      some
      hooters.”’
     
    
   
   
    
     
      In
      Waterloo
      the
      rally
      was
      larger
      but
      no
     
     
      less
      perverted.
      The
      issue,
      which
      I
      think
     
     
      had
      something
      to
      do
      with
      unjust
      laws
     
     
      regarding
      a
      woman’
      s
      right
      to
      take
      off
      her
     
     
      shirt
      when
      and
      where
      she
      sees
      fit
      got
      lost
     
     
      between
      the
      Handycams
      and
      some
      wea-
     
     
      sel
      sporting
      a
      t-shirt
      that
      said
      ‘‘More
      than
     
     
      a
      mouthful
      is
      a
      waste.’’
      I
      suppose
      he
      was
     
     
      protecting
      women’s
      rights
      to
      have
      small
     
     
      breasts
      --
      thanks,
      asshole.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      In
      spite
      of
      the
      copious
      coverage
      the
      me-
     
     
      dia
      devoted
      to
      this
      whole
      tit
      affair,
      there
     
    
   
   
    
     
      is
      a
      huge
      gaping
      void
      where
      critical
     
    
   
   
    
     
      analysis
      could
      have
      been.
      Unfortunately,
     
     
      rally
      organizers
      fell
      into
      the
      abyss
      of
     
     
      boneheadedness
      as
      well.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      To
      be
      fair,
      for
      many
      women
      I
      met
      it
      was
     
     
      their
      first
      demonstration.
      They
      were
     
     
      schmoozled
      and
      bamboozled
      by
      the
     
     
      paparazzi
      into
      thinking
      that
      their
      voices
     
     
      could
      be
      heard
      above
      the
      pornographic
     
     
      din.
      However,
      with
      one
      step
      back
      they
     
     
      might
      have
      realized
      that,
      like,
      maybe
     
     
      they
      should
      have
      made
      a
      connection
      be-
     
     
      tween
      sexual
      assault
      and
      the
     
    

    
     
      :
      criminalization
     
     
      and
      sexualization
     
     
      of
      the
      female
     
     
      breast?
      They
     
     
      could
      have
      made
     
     
      links
      between
      the
     
     
      very
      tangible
      in-
     
     
      justice
      of
      Gwen
     
     
      Jacobs
      conviction
     
     
      and
      other
      more
     
     
      pressing,
      less
      vis-
     
     
      ible
      issues.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It’s
      what
      you
      calla
      double-edged
      sword.
     
     
      We
      want
      to
      have
      complete
      and
      absolute
     
     
      control
      over
      our
      own
      bodies,
      but
      we
      also
     
     
      want
      laws
      that
      will
      protect
      us.
      So
      we
     
     
      create
      laws
      in
      the
      hopes
      that
      they
      will
     
     
      strengthen
      our
      power
      in
      the
      courtroom.
     
     
      But
      these
      laws
      are
      then
      used
      against
      us
      on
     
     
      the
      streets.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      OPP’s
      Project
      Pornography,
      for
      ex-
     
     
      ample,
      should
      target
      the
      straight
      male
     
     
      sickness
      that
      is
      everywhere
      and
      danger-
     
     
      ous
      to
      women.
      Instead,
      they
      have
      chosen
     
     
      to
      charge
      Glad
      Day
      Bookshop
      for
      selling
     
     
      a
      lesbian
      magazine
      with
      relatively
      be-
     
     
      nign
      photos
      of
      women
      fucking
      each
      other.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Why
      wasn’t
      the
      perverted
      use
      of
      our
      ob-
     
     
      scenity
      laws
      addressed
      by
      those
      champi-
     
     
      oning
      the
      right
      for
      Gwen
      Jacob
      to
      take
      off
     
     
      her
      shirt?
      :
     
    
   
   
    
     
      This
      lack
      of
      connection
      between
      issues
      is
     
     
      (Yikes.
      If
      this
      is
      third
      wave
      feminism
     
     
      then
      I
      ain't
      goin’
      to
      no
      beach).
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Scumpigs
      and
      possessed
      lingerie
     
     
      salesladies
      aside,
      I
      think
      it
      is
      good
      that
     
     
      people
      are
      talking
      about
      breasts.
      Ml