Assembly
      of
      the
      Smarty-Pants
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Marieéve
      MacGREGOR
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ah,
      award
      ceremonies.
      They
     
     
      always
      merit
      a
      article
      beginning
      with
     
     
      ‘ah.'
      I
      don't
      know
      if
      this
      one
      was
      any
     
     
      different
      than
      any
      other
      ceremony.
      It
     
     
      really
      resembled
      a
      grade
      12
      gradua-
     
     
      tion,
      but
      without
      the
      robes.
      There
      were
     
     
      more
      people
      on
      the
      list
      than
      last
      year,
     
     
      but
      then
      again,
      the
      populous
      of
      the
     
     
      school
      is
      one
      of
      the
      highest
      its
      ever
     
     
      seen.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      She
      approached
      the
     
     
      stage,
      she
      took
      the
      rail-
     
     
      ings
      and
      hoisted
      herself
     
     
      right
      over
      the
      stairs
      and
     
    

    
     
      onto
      the
      stage.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Like
      all
      formal
      gatherings,
      the
     
     
      evening
      started
      out
      innocently
      enough.
     
     
      People
      filed
      in,
      there
      weren't
      enough
     
     
      seats
      for
      all
      the
      family
      and
      friends,
      but
     
     
      everyone
      knew
      where
      they
      were
      sup-
     
     
      posed
      to
      be,
      more
      or
      less.
      .
     
    

    
     
      All
      knew
      the
      evening
      was
     
     
      commencing
      by
      the
      sound
      of
      the
      bag-
     
     
      pipes.
      The
      bagpiper
      led
      the
      procession
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      Only
      intelects
      undrestand
      the
      sound
      of
      the
      bag-pipes.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      Deans
      and
      special
      peoples
      alike
      to
     
     
      the
      stage,
      where
      everyone
      had
      their
     
     
      own
      big,
      stuffed,
      comfy,
      floral
      chair.
     
     
      The
      first
      commentaries
      were
      basically,
     
     
      "Mumble
      mumble
      mumble,
      someone's
     
    
   
   
    
     
      eae
     
    
   
   
    
     
      i.ca/nspeigovan
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
       
     
     
       
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      name,"
      applause.
      This
      happened
      about
     
     
      20
      times,
      and
      it
      was
      all
      excessively
     
     
      polite
      and
      monotone.
      But
      once,
      some
     
     
      kind
      of
      psychological
      phenomenon
     
     
      occurred
      for
      a
      moment
      when
      the
     
     
      entire
      room
      hesitated
      to
      clap,
      for
      no
     
     
      reason.
      It
      just
      happened,
      and
      it
      was
     
     
      odd.
     
    

    
     
      Things
      seemed
      to
      be
      rolling
     
     
      along
      quite
      nicely
      as
      the
      honours
      cer-
     
     
      tificates
      were
      being
      presented.
      Groups
     
     
      of
      people
      were
      called
      up
      by
      their
      year
     
     
      and
      discipline,
      and
      were
      asked
      to
     
     
      arrange
      themselves
      alphabetically.
      .
     
     
      Some
      sort
      of
      final
      I.Q.
      test
      I'm
      sure,
      to
     
     
      insure
      that
      these
      students
      deserve
      their
     
     
      oh-so-important
      certificates.
     
    

    
     
      Not
      to
      make
      this
      a
      personal
     
     
      report
      or
      anything,
      but
      as
      a
      performer,
     
     
      I
      was
      very
      surprised
      at
      my
      level
      of
     
     
      nervousness.
      Standing
      in
      that
      line
      and
     
     
      waiting
      to
      walk
      simply
      and
      normally
     
     
      across
      a
      stage
      was
      downright
      nerve-
     
     
      racking.
      As
      a
      performer
      who
      can
      bend
     
     
      and
      groove
      into
      any
      number
      of
      shapes
     
     
      a
      dancer
      can
      get
      herself
      into,
      I
      found
     
     
      this
      to
      be
      ten
      times
      more
      horrifying
     
     
      than
      any
      choreography
      I've
      performed.
     
     
      The
      normal
      "What
      if
      I
      trip?"
      was
      not
     
     
      running
      through
      my
      mind,
      but
      thoughts
     
     
      like,
      "What
      if
      I'm
      not
      alphabetically
     
     
      listed?",
      and
      "What
      if
      I
      freeze
      because
     
     
      he
      says
      my
      name
      wrong
      and
      when
      I
      go
     
     
      up
      to
      shake
      the
      Dean's
      hand
      I'll
      acci-
     
     
      dentally
      smack
      him
      in
      the
      face???"
     
    
   
   
    
     
      So
      as
      not
      to
      leave
      you,
      the
     
     
      reader,
      on
      a
      cliffhanger,
      nothing
      out
      of
     
     
      the
      ordinary
      happened.
      The
      Dean
      of
     
     
      Arts
      said
      something
      like,
      "Will
      you
      be
     
     
      on
      the
      list
      next
      year?"
      I
      can't
      remember
     
     
      what
      I
      said
      back.
      I
      hope
      it
      wasn't
     
     
      "Duh."
     
    

    
     
      There
      weren't
      nearly
      enough
     
    
   
   
    
     
      .
      hollers
      and
      hoots
      from
      the
      audience,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      except
      for
      the
      education
      students
      who
     
     
      cheered
      every
      time
      another
      education
     
     
      student
      award
      was
      handed
      out.
      "They
     
     
      sound
      like
      a
      pack
      of
      baby
      wolves,"
     
     
      said
      Virginia
      Reddin,
      sitting
      to
      my
     
     
      right.
     
    

    
     
      There
      are
      only
      two
      other
      antics
     
     
      perhaps
      worth
      mentioning.
      The
      first
      is
     
     
      when
      Stacy
      Riley
      was
      called
      upon
      to
     
     
      receive
      her
      award
      for
      highest
      standing
     
     
      in
      first
      year
      arts,
      and
      as
      she
     
     
      approached
      the
      stage,
      she
      took
      the
      rail-
     
     
      ings
      and
      hoisted
      herself
      right
      over
      the
     
     
      stairs
      and
      onto
      the
      stage.
      Oh,
      Arts
      peo-
     
     
      ple.
      The
      second
      came
      from
      Scott
     
     
      Flemming,
      who
      was
      last
      to
      receive
      an
     
     
      award,
      and
      as
      he
      grasped
      his
      award
      for
     
     
      highest
      standing
      student
      in
      third
      year
     
     
      science,
      he
      raised
      his
      fists
      high
      in
      the
     
     
      air
      in
      victory.
     
    

    
     
      The
      first
      commentaries
     
     
      were
      basically,
     
     
      “"Mumble
      mumble
      some-
     
     
      one’s
      name,”
      applause.
     
     
      This
      happened
      about
     
     
      20
      times,
      and
      it
      was
      all
     
    
   
   
    
     
      excessively
      polite.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      then
      there
      was
      food,
      and
     
     
      it
      was
      good.
     
    

    
     
      Perhaps
      you
      are
      now
      thinking,
     
     
      "But,
      what
      of
      the
      names?
      Who
      got
     
     
      honours?
      Who
      got
      an
      award?"
      Well,
     
     
      those
      of
      you
      who
      were
      there
      know
      that
     
     
      you
      were
      there,
      and
      have
      probably
     
     
      already
      told
      all
      your
      stupider
      friends
     
     
      who
      weren't
      going
      that
      you
      were
      there
     
     
      as
      well.
      The
      recipients
      of
      all
      the
     
     
      awards
      and
      honours
      will
      be
      posted
      on
     
     
      the
      UPEI
      website
      eventually
      anyway.
     
     
      So
      my
      job
      is
      done.
     
    

    
     
      To
      my
      fellow
      students:
      keep
     
     
      up
      the
      good
      book
      studying
      and
      maybe
     
     
      you'll
      get
      to
      go
      to
      the
      annual
      awards
     
     
      too.
      Good
      times,
      good
      times...
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [5]