-
      Canadians
      who
      Think
      they're
      Americans
     
     
      who
      Like
      Football
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Why
      are
      Snap,
      Crackle
     
     
      and
      Pop
      red,
      white
      and
      blue?
     
     
      Why
      can't
      I
      even
      enjoy
      a
      nice
     
     
      bowl
      of
      cereal.
      without
      seeing
     
     
      the
      flag
      of
      a
      country
      that
      isn't
     
     
      my
      own?
      Makes
      me
      wonder
     
     
      where
      the
      milk
      is
      from.
      Sure,
      I
     
     
      grew
      up
      in
      Canada,
      but
      I
      also
     
     
      grew
      up
      watching
      American
     
     
      TV,
      listening
      to
      American
     
     
      music
      and
      imitating
      American
     
     
      movie
      stars.
      There's
      just
      some-
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      What
      is
      your
      occupation
     
     
      this
      evening?
      I
      would
      greatly
     
     
      enjoy
      the
      opportunity
      of
      being
     
     
      an
      unperceived
      observer
      in
     
     
      your
      domicile.
      Is
      it
      verifiably
     
     
      accurate
      that
      you
      are
      without
     
    
   
   
    
     
      company,
      and
      remain
      lost
     
     
      within
      your
      internal
      uncon-
     
     
      scious
      nightly
      visions?
      I
      would
     
     
      also
      like
      to
      know
      why
      I
      am
     
     
      unable
      to
      socially
      interact
      with
     
     
      you
      on
      a
      regular
      basis,
      and
      I
     
     
      am
      curious
      as
      to
      what
      actions
     
     
      must
      be
      undertaken
      by
      me
     
     
      before
      you
      acknowledge
      my
     
     
      existence.
     
    

    
     
      _
      If
      I
      were
      imperceptible,
     
     
      !
      would
      then
      be
      able
      to
      moni-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      thing
      wrong
      when
      I
      can
      name
     
     
      more
      American
      Presidents
     
     
      than
      successful
      Canadian
     
     
      artists
      (this
      may
      be
      due
      to
      the
     
     
      fact
      that
      Ted
      Kennedy
      was
      my
     
     
      uncle's
      friend's
      grandfather).
     
     
      The
      Pop
      charts
      are
      an
      unsound
     
     
      vixen
      collapsing
      under
      the
     
     
      weight
      of
      US_
      performers.
     
     
      Justin
      Timberlake
      may
      rock
     
     
      the
      body,
      but
      it
      seems
      it's
      the
     
     
      Canadian
      artists
      who
      are
      left
     
     
      shaking
      their
      heads.
      It
      almost
     
     
      seems
      as
      if
      there
      are
      no
      aspects
     
     
      of
      Canadian
      culture
      untouched
     
    
   
   
    
     
      tor
      your
      activities
      in
      your
     
     
      dwelling.
      If
      you
      were
      unable
     
     
      to
      detect
      my
      presence,
      then
      I
     
     
      would
      take
      that
      opportunity
      to
     
     
      attempt
      to
      woo
      you.
      If
      our
     
     
      coronary
      organs
      were
      unshat-
     
     
      terable,
      my
      explanations
      as
      to
     
     
      my
      personal
      opinions
      would
     
    
   
   
    
     
      convey
      utmost
      and
      incredibly
     
    
   
   
    
     
      deep
      meanings.
      Finally,
      if
      my
     
     
      knowledge
      knew
      no
      bounds,
     
     
      my
      physical
      being
      would
      be
     
     
      transparent.
      Excuse
      me,
      it
     
     
      appears
      that
      that
      is
      the
      state
      in
     
     
      which
      I
      find
      myself.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      have
      seen
      your
      visage
     
    
   
   
    
     
      in
      a
      large
      public
      gathering
      and
     
     
      uttered
      your
      personal
      nomen-
     
     
      clature.
      Despite
      my
      best
     
     
      efforts
      at
      attracting
      your
      atten-
     
     
      tion,
      the
      audio
      waves
      did
      not
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      US
      influence.
      But
      wait...
     
     
      what
      about
      the
      CBC?...
      but
     
     
      wait...
      what
      the
      hell
      is
      CBC?
     
     
      It's
      all
      Canadian
      right?
      But
     
     
      beyond
      Compass
      (grrrrreaat
     
     
      name),
      does
      anybody
      really
     
     
      watch
      this?
      And
      why
      are
     
     
      Canadian
      programs
      so
      appar-
     
     
      ently
      Canadian?
      It
      might
      be
     
     
      the
      shoddy
      camera
      work,
      or
      it
     
     
      could
      be
      the
      cardboard
      back-
     
     
      grounds,
      or
      just
      the
      fact
      that
     
     
      it's
      not
      what
      we're
      used
      to,
      not
     
     
      American.
      I
      can't
      even
      recall
     
     
      the
      last
      time
      I
      saw
      a
      Canadian
     
    
   
   
    
     
      manage
      to
      travel
      into
      your
     
     
      aural
      receptors.
      As
      a
      true
      stalk-
     
     
      er
      would,
      I
      follow
      you
      at
      a
      safe
     
     
      distance,
      tracking
      both
      your
     
     
      paces
      and
      your
      movements.
     
     
      Also,
      as
      is
      true
      of
      my
      stalker
     
     
      nature,
      I
      would
      like
      to
      think
     
     
      that
      you
      are
      currently
      thinking
     
     
      of
      me
      and
      my
      efforts
      to
      entice
     
     
      you.
      If
      you
      could
      perform
      such
     
     
      an
      action
      for
      my
      benefit,
      then
     
     
      my
      reality
      would
      cease
      being
     
     
      monochromatic
      and
      explode
     
     
      into
      a
      kaleidoscope
      of
      pig-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -
      ments.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Had
      I
      a
      cloak
      similar
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      that
      of
      Harry
      Potter
      that
      would
     
    
   
   
    
     
      allow
      me
      to
      be
      undetectable
      by
     
     
      mortals,
      then
      I
      could
      easily
     
     
      satisfy
      my
      voyeuristic
      desires
     
     
      by
      witnessing
      your
      behaviour.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      UPEI
      Cadre
      February
      24,
      2004
      page
      13
     
    
   
   
    
     
      feature
      film.
     
    

    
     
      The
      Americans
      are
      land-
     
     
      ing
      on
      Mars,
      invading
      other
     
     
      countries
      and
      electing
      movie
     
     
      stars
      for
      governors,
      and
      all
      the
     
     
      while
      rubbing
      it
      into
      our
      lum-
     
     
      berjack
      faces,
      leaving
     
     
      Canadians
      with
      but
      one
      come-
     
     
      back:
      "At
      least
      our
      health
      care
     
     
      doesn't
      suck."
      The
      Americans
     
     
      have
      successfully
      deep
      fried
     
     
      their
      culture,
      and
      we're
      eating
     
     
      it
      up
      with
      some
      ketchup
      and
     
     
      licking
      our
      fingers
      after
      we're
     
     
      done.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘This
      cloak
      would
      also
      allow
     
    
   
   
    
     
      me
      to
      take
      you
      as
      my
      life-
     
     
      mate.
      Conditionally,
      if
      my
     
     
      main
      vascular
      organ
      were
     
     
      indestructible,
      I
      would
      freely
     
     
      express
      my
      feelings
      towards
     
     
      you.
      Ultimately,
      my
      potential
     
     
      invisibility
      is
      directly
      propor-
     
     
      tional
      to
      my
      intellect,
      causing
     
     
      my
      knowledge
      to
      dwarf
      all
     
     
      allegedly
      wise
      people.
      Again,
     
     
      my
      apologies,
      but
      it
      would
     
     
      seem
      that
      these
      conditions
     
     
      have
      already
      occurred.
     
    

    
     
      I
      extend
      my
      grasp
      into
     
     
      the
      empty
      void,
      yet
      your
      eyes
     
     
      do
      not
      register
      my
      presence.
     
     
      My
      increased
      audible
      emis-
     
     
      sions
      fail
      to
      capture
      your
      atten-
     
     
      tion.
      Iam
      nothing
      without
      you,
     
     
      just
      a
      shadow
      passing
      through.