Turkey
      Dinner
     
    
   
   
    
     
      with
      Trent
      Drake
     
    

    
     
      This
      week:
      Yor,
      The
      Hunter
      From
      the
      Future
      Okay,
      here’s
     
     
      the
      deal.
      This
      is
      a
      movie
      review
      column,
      but
      it
      doesn’t
      cover
     
     
      the
      kind
      of
      movie
      that
      they
      show
      over
      at
      the
      Charlottetown
     
     
      Cinemas.
      This
      column
      is
      reserved
      for
      B-movies.
      Bombs.
     
     
      Turkeys.
      The
      movies
      so
      bad
      even
      CBC
      doesn’t
      play
      them.
     
     
      Asinine
      films
      that
      the
      video
      stores
      don’t
      admit
      to
      having.
     
     
      The
      films
      reviewed
      here
      from
      week
      to
      week
      will
      help
      you
      to
     
     
      turn
      off
      the
      grey
      matter
      for
      an
      evening
      of
      mindless
      fun.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      First
      up:
      Yor,
      the
      Hunter
      From
      the
      Future,
      starring
      Reb
     
     
      Brown
      as
      Yor,
      Corine
      Clery
      as
      Ka
      La,
      and
      John
      Steiner
      as
     
     
      the
      Overlord.
      Filmed
      in
      1983
      for
      Columbia
      Pictures
      in
      Italy
     
     
      with
      an
      English-speaking
      cast,
      this
      is
      one
      of
      the
      worst
     
     
      science
      fiction
      epics
      ever
      made.
      The
      editing
      is
      choppy,
      the
     
     
      dialogue
      horrendous
      and
      the
      acting
      stiffer
      than
      two
      week
      old
     
     
      Pit
      chili.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Here’s
      the
      premise:
      Yor,
      a
      mysterious
      blonde
      barbarian
      ina
     
     
      world
      of
      neanderthals,
      saves
      Ka
      La
      (a
      cavegirl)
      and
      Pagk
      (an
     
     
      aging
      caveman)
      froma
      bloodthirsty
      triceratops.
      Yor
      is
     
     
      different
      from
      other
      men,
      or
      so
      we
      are
      told
      repeatedly,
      and
     
     
      he
      doesn’t
      know
      why,
      but
      he
      does
      have
      a
      golden
      tinfoil
     
     
      medallion
      that
      you
      just
      know
      will
      explain
      everything.
      Then
     
     
      Ka
      La’s
      people
      are
      wiped
      out
      in
      an
      attack
      by
      Ukhan
      and
      his
     
     
      cavemen
      (who
      look
      just
      like
      blue
      Klingons).
      Ka
      La
      gets
     
     
      captured
      despite
      a
      lot
      of
      unconvincing
      duelling
      on
      the
      part
      of
     
     
      Yor.
      Pagk,
      who
      has
      a
      primitive
      but
      highly
      accurate
      set
      of
     
     
      bow
      and
      arrows,
      helps
      Yor
      find
      the
      cave
      where
      Ka
      La
      is
      held
     
    
   
   
    
     
      hostage.
      Yor
      finds
      new
      use
      for
      a
      giant
      bat
      corpse
      and
      he
      and
     
     
      Ka
      Laescape
      by
      flooding
      the
      cave
      with
      an
      underground
      lake,
     
     
      drowning
      the
      Klingons
      but
      leaving
      the
      villagers
      unharmed
     
     
      (trust
      me).
      Then
      Yor,
      Pagk
      and
      Ka
      La
      set
      out
      on
      a
      journey
      to
     
     
      find
      a
      woman
      the
      elder
      said
      had
      a
      medallion
      like
      Yor’s.
     
     
      From
      this
      point
      on,
      the
      movie
      gets
      a
      little
      confusing.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      performances
      and
      the
      terrible
      special
      effects
      make
      this
     
     
      one
      of
      the
      best
      bombs
      in
      history.
      Reb
      Brown,
      probably
      best
     
     
      known
      for
      his
      work
      in
      The
      Howling:
      Part
      II,
      cannot
      wipe
      his
     
     
      stupid
      grin
      off
      his
      face,
      not
      even
      when
      he’s
      about
      to
      be
     
     
      executed
      by
      the
      mummy
      men.
      The
      giant
      bat
      looks
      like
      a
     
     
      furry
      kite.
      Action
      figures
      do
      a
      trapeze
      act
      over
      a
      big
      red
      hole
     
     
      that’s
      supposed
      to
      be
      a
      nuclear
      reactor.
      The
      dubbing
      crew
     
     
      was
      at
      least
      one
      second
      out
      of
      sync
      with
      the
      actors:
      even
     
     
      though
      the
      actors
      spoke
      English,
      and
      even
      though
      the
      dubbed
     
     
      track
      is
      English,
      everyone
      appears
      to
      be
      doing
      a
      Bruce
      Lee
     
     
      impression.
      And
      underscoring
      everything
      is
      the
      most
      moronic
     
     
      soundtrack
      of
      all
      time:
      chase
      scenes
      are
      underscored
      with
     
     
      bouncy
      circus
      music,
      and
      the
      Queen-style
      song
      that
      opens
     
     
      the
      movie
      has
      the
      awful
      lyrics
      ‘‘
      Yor’s
      world,
      he’s
      the
      man,
     
     
      Yor’s
      world,
      he’s
      the
      maaaaaaaannnn....’’
      and
      neat
      disco
     
     
      sound.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Judgement:
      I
      loved
      this
      movie.
      It’s
      schlock
      cinema
      at
      its
     
     
      finest,
      without
      the
      slightest
      redeeming
      quality.
      From
      the
     
     
      giant
      dinosaurs
      to
      the
      Darth
      Vader
      clones,
      it’s
      the
      dumbest
     
     
      caveman
      pic
      I’ve
      ever
      seen.
      Watch
      it
      with
      friends,
      because
     
     
      as
      former
      roommate
      of
      mine
      said,
      it’s
      ‘‘dumb
      as
      fuck.”’
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      UPEI
      X-P
      RESS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      September
      24,
      1992