---And
      now
      for
      ae
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Rants
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      First
      of
      all,
      right
      to
      the
     
     
      most
      important
      news
      of
      the
      week;
     
     
      one
      headline
      last.
      week
      in
      the
      per-
     
    

    
     
      ‘petually
      accurate
      pages
      of
      the
     
     
      iiber-professional
      PEI
      Guardian
     
     
      read
      Tignish
      tackles
      roaming
     
     
      sheep
      problem.
      Well
      it’s
      about
     
     
      _damn
      time.
      Those
      menacing
      sheep
     
     
      have
      been
      terrorizing
      the
      good
     
     
      people
      of
      the
      West-Prince
      region
     
     
      for
      far
      too
      long.
      It
      is
      good
      to
      see
     
     
      that
      PEI
      has
      finally
      become
      such
     
     
      an
      advanced
      society.
      If
      anyone
     
     
      saw
      the
      debate
      on
      bootleggers
      last
     
     
      week
      on
      Canada
      Now
      they
      know
     
     
      exactly
      what
      I’m
      talking
      about.
     
     
      _Mediator
      Bruce
      Rainie:
      “Should
     
     
      bootleggers
      be
      banned
      on
      PEI?”
     
     
      Sporadic
      audience
      response:
     
     
      “NO!”
     
    

    
     
      Since
      the
      UPEI
      Student
     
     
      Union
      announced
      that
      the
      PEI
     
     
      government
      could
      be
      reneging
      on
     
     
      a
      campaign
      promise
      to
      fund
      UPEI
     
     
      with
      an
      additional
      $1,000,000,
      a
     
     
      move
      that
      could
      see
      tuition
      sky-
     
     
      rocket
      next
      year,
      it
      has
      been
      dis-
     
     
      covered
      that
      the
      provincial
      gov-
     
     
      ernment
      will
      not
      be
      cutting
      mil-
     
     
      lion-dollar
      funding
      to
      all
      organiza-
     
     
      tions
      in
      Minister
      Mitch
      Murphy’s
     
     
      budget.
      Well
      yes,
      funding
      to
      UPEI
     
     
      will
      be
      cut,
      seeing
      as
      we’re
      not
     
     
      relevant
      to
      the
      economy
      at
      all
      and
     
     
      as
      it
      has
      to
      go
      to
      more
      important
     
     
      places.
      Government
      sources
      have
     
     
      confirmed
      that
      $1,000,000
      fund-
     
     
      ing
      will
      go
      ahead
      as
      planned
      to
     
     
      harness
      racing.
      Yes,
      we
      are
      being
     
     
      bested
      by
      a
      bunch
      of
      horsies.
      The
     
     
      money
      will
      contribute
      to
      race
     
     
      purses
      and
      the
      like
      so
      that
     
     
      Grandpa
      can
      keep
      betting
      on
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ponies
      and
      gambling
      his
      pension
     
     
      cheques
      away.
      Meanwhile
      stu-
     
     
      dents
      will
      be
      out
      this
      week
      after
     
     
      the
      budget
      looking
      for
      a
      third
      job
     
     
      to
      supplement
      their
      education.
      It’s
     
     
      nice
      to
      see
      where
      this
      govern-
     
     
      ment’s
      priorities
      are.
      And
      it’s
      not
     
     
      just
      the
      tuition
      hikes
      that
      piss
      me
     
     
      off
      either.
      There
      are
      tons
      of
      things
     
     
      we
      could
      do
      with
      a
      million
      bucks.
     
     
      For
      starters,
      we
      could
      invest
      in
      a
     
     
      new
      door
      for
      the
      Student
      Centre.
     
     
      You
      know,
      one
      that
      doesn’t
      screw
     
     
      up
      every
      damn
      day.
      Secondly,
      the
     
     
      Sports
      Centre
      hasn’t
      had
      squash
     
     
      balls
      or
      badminton
      birdies
      for
     
     
      about
      a
      month
      now.
      Maybe
      a
      mil-
     
     
      lion
      dollars
      could
      help
      them
      out,
     
     
      because
      it
      seems
      as
      though
      our
     
     
      fees
      that
      we
      spend
      on
      the
      gym
     
     
      aren’t
      enough
      to
      afford
      a
      sustain-
     
     
      able
      supply
      of
      $3
      squash
      balls.
     
     
      Our
      road
      has
      a
      few
      potholes
      in
      it
     
     
      too.
      Of
      course
      by
      a
      few
      I
      mean
     
     
      about
      16
      billion.
      They’re
      getting
     
     
      pretty
      difficult
      to
      drive
      on,
      and
     
     
      maybe
      that’s
      just
      me,
      given
      my
     
     
      habit
      of
      navigating
      them
      at
      120
     
     
      kph,
      but
      I
      think
      we
      should
      maybe
     
     
      take
      a
      look
      at
      getting
      them
      fixed.
     
     
      Countries
      like
      Iraq
      make.
      fun
      of
     
     
      roads
      like
      this
      you
      know.
      And
     
     
      maybe
      after
      that
      we
      could
      look
      at
     
     
      trying
      to
      rid
      Blanchard
      of
      the
      mice
     
     
      in
      the
      walls
      and
      Steele
      of
      the
      birds
     
     
      in
      the
      roof.
     
    

    
     
      Sheik
      Ahmed
      Yassin,
     
     
      founder
      and
      religious
      leader
      of
      the
     
     
      Palestinian
      terrorist
      group
      Hamas
     
     
      was.assassinated
      last
      week
      by
      the
     
     
      Israeli
      military,
      sparking
      interna-
     
     
      tional
      debate
      and
      creating
      an
      even
     
     
      more
      volatile
      climate
      in
      the
     
     
      Middle
      East.
      Yassin
      was
      a
      quadri-
     
     
      plegic
      who
      had
      been
      confined
      to
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      <a
      icieter
      ee
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sihielchist
      Pa
      ies
      age
      of
      dive
     
    
   
   
    
     
      and
      in
      recent
      years
      had
      suffered
     
     
      from
      muscular
      atrophy
      and
      almost
     
     
      complete
      blindness.
      Typical
      to
      the
     
     
      well-planned
      precision
      and
      covert
     
     
      strategy
      characteristic
      of
      most
     
     
      assassinations,
      Yassin
      was
      assassi-
     
     
      nated
      using
      a
      helicopter
      and
      three
     
     
      missiles.
      Three
      missiles.
      That’s
     
     
      like
      going
      trout
      fishing
      with
      depth
     
     
      charges.
      Come
      on
      now.
      I
      know
      he
     
     
      was
      a
      bad
      guy
      and
      everything,
      but
     
     
      I’m
      sure
      poison
      in
      his
      food
      or
     
     
      exploding
      cigars
      would
      have
      done
     
     
      the
      job
      just
      as
      well.
      Because,
      you
     
     
      know,
      nothing
      says
      subtle
      like
      a
     
     
      tomahawk
      missile
      to
      the
      head.
      I
     
     
      must
      commend
      them
      on
      their
     
     
      intelligence
      work’
      also.
      Their
     
     
      reports
      show
      that
      Yassin
      was
      born
     
     
      in
      either
      1929
      or
      1938.
      Way
      to
      nar-
     
     
      row
      it
      down!
      Morons.
     
    

    
     
      Speaking
      of
      explosive
      situ-
     
     
      ations
      (haha),
      apparently
      some
      of
     
     
      my
      comments
      in
      the
      Bathroom
     
     
      Edition
      Part
      II,
      have
      been
      deemed
     
     
      controversial
      and
      have
      pissed
      off
     
     
      some
      of
      the
      fine
      music
      students
     
     
      here
      at
      UPEI
      who
      have
      expressed
     
     
      a
      special
      interest
      in
      obtaining
      my
     
     
      head
      on
      a
      proverbial
      silver
      platter.
     
     
      How
      my
      suggestion
      that
      they
     
     
      spend
      a
      lot
      of
      time
      in
      their
      own
     
     
      faculty
      building
      could
      possibly
      be
     
     
      misconstrued
      as
      an
      attempt
      by
      me
     
     
      to
      insult
      these
      good
      people
      is
     
     
      beyond
      my
      comprehension.
      I
      am
     
     
      sure
      that
      Steele
      is
      a
      wonderful
     
     
      building
      once
      you
      get
      to
      know
      it,
     
     
      and
      that
      eventually
      the
      faults
      of
      its
     
     
      bathrooms
      and
      the
      random
      caskets
     
    
   
   
    
     
      in
      the
      hallways
      just
      become
      like
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      comforts
      of
      home.
     
     
      Regardless
      of
      this
      fact,
     
     
      however,
      given
      that
      many
      music
     
    
   
   
    
     
      UPEI.Cadre
      March
      29,
      2004
      page
      13
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ly
      Student
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sooo
      iave
      been
      offended
      a
     
     
      my
      comments,
      |
      feel
      that
      it
      is
      my
     
     
      duty
      as
      an
      objective
      journalist
      to
     
     
      hereby
      solemnly
      apologize
      for
      the
     
     
      grievous
      and
      regrettable
      pain
      and
     
     
      anguish
      that
      I
      have
      thoughtlessly
     
     
      and
      cruelly
      imposed
      upon
      them
      by
     
     
      publishing
      my
      horrendous
      opin-
     
     
      ions.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      hope
      that
      this
      clears
      up
     
     
      any
      division
      that
      my
      comments
     
     
      have
      created
      between
      myself
      and
     
     
      my
      good
      friends
      of
      Steele
      Recital
     
     
      Hall.
      Please
      feel
      free
      to
      share
      any
     
     
      further
      concerns
      with
      me
      person-
     
     
      ally.
      That
      is,
      if
      you
      ever
      leave
      your
     
     
      building.
     
    

    
     
      Have
      a
      good
      one!
     
     
      ryangallant@hotmail.com
     
    
   
   
    
     
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