Trials
      &
      Tribulations
      of
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      twentysomething
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      S.
      Livingstone
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FAN
      s
      lread
      through
     
     
      the
      pages
      of
      Douglas
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Coupland’s
      newest
      novel,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Shampoo
      Planet,
      simultaneously
     
    
   
   
    
     
      avoiding
      the
      obscene
      amount
      of
      school
      work
      that
     
    
   
   
    
     
      has
      been
      crowding
      my
      desk,
      I
      began
      to
      reflect
      on
      the
      present
      state
     
     
      of
      the
      world
      in
      comparison
      to
      the
      world
      we
      twentysomethings
     
    
   
   
    
     
      were
      brought
      into
      in
      the
      late
      sixties
      and
      early
      seventies
      and
      came
      to
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      reluctant
      conclusion
      that
      the
      world
      is
      a
      frightening
      place
      to
      hold
      residency.
      Living
     
     
      elsewhere
      is
      not
      yet
      an
      option
      though,
      so
      one
      must
      simply
      persevere
      in
      hopes
      that
      ours
      will
     
     
      not
      be
      the
      fateful
      society
      to
      face
      the
      end
      of
      the
      planet
      we
      call
      home.
     
    

    
     
      My
      outlook
      may
      seem
      rather
      bleak,
      but
      optimism
      is
      no
      longer
      handed
      out
      in
      large
      quantities
     
     
      any
      more
      by
      those
      who
      control
      it-
      namely
      the
      government
      and
      the
      media.
      I
      will
      not
      deny
      that
      despair
     
     
      has
      been
      a
      force
      I
      have
      reconciled
      with
      before,
      but
      that
      was
      before
      I
      realized
      that
      in
      a
      few
      years
      I
     
     
      may
      be
      standing
      in
      line
      at
      a
      Canada
      Employment
      Centre,
      masters
      degree
      in
      hand.
      I
      certainly
      do
      not
     
     
      believe
      I
      will
      ever
      be
      homeless,
      but
      I
      fear
      that
      I
      will
      end
      up
      settling
      into
      a
      McJob
      that
      I
      abhor
      and
     
     
      talking
      of
      days
      when
      a
      university
      degree
      came
      with
      certain
      guarantees.
     
    

    
     
      I
      do
      have
      further
      proof
      that
      armageddon
      is
      near,
      so
      do
      not
      confuse
      me
      with
      one
      of
      those
     
     
      crazed
      ‘‘the
      end
      is
      near’
      placard-wielding
      voices
      of
      doom
      we
      have
      all
      seen
      in
      the
      larger
      city
      streets
     
     
      of
      North
      America.
      My
      first
      item
      of
      proof
      is
      the
      storm
      that
      battered
      the
      eastern
      seaboard
      just
      days
     
     
      ago.
      Indeed
      there
      was
      no
      blood-red
      sky
      ‘to
      be
      seen,
      but
      who
      could
      have
      caught
      a
      glimpse
      with
      the
     
     
      multitude
      of
      storm
      clouds
      overhead?
      Bizarre,
      unpredictable
      weather
      patterns?
      Surely
      a
      sign
      of
     
     
      apocalypse.
      People
      in
      the
      southern
      United
      States
      had
      ‘‘never
      again’’
      signs
      in
      storefronts
      and
      there
     
     
      was
      a
      mad
      rush
      on
      supermarkets
      up
      and
      down
      the
      coast,
      and
      Americans,
      as
      we
      all
      know,
      never
      blow
     
     
      anything
      out
      of
      proportion.
      No
      drama
      in
      America
      -
      just
      the
      pure
      unadulterated
      truth.
      Congress
      and
     
     
      the
      Teamsters
      are
      proof
      of
      that
      theory.
      |
     
    

    
     
      Another
      item
      of
      interest
      to
      come
      from
      the
      immaculate
      union
      to
      our
      immediate
      south
      is
      the
     
     
      media
      event
      powerful
      enough
      to
      grab
      the
      attention
      away
      from
      the
      World
      Trade
      Centre
      in
      the
     
     
      aftermath
      of
      a
      terrorist
      attack
      to
      Texas
      where
      a
      former
      rock
      musician
      claiming
      to
      be
      Jesus
      Christ
     
     
      has
      barricaded
      himself
      anda
      group
      of
      followers
      in
      a
      desert-surrounded
      fortress.
      The
      self
      proclaimed
     
     
      Messiah,
      who
      is
      actually
      David
      Koresh,
      is
      the
      leader
      of
      the
      religious
      sect
      known
      as
      Branch
      Davidian
     
     
      which
      is,
      according
      to
      reports
      on
      the
      almighty
      CNN,
      a
      splinter
      group
      of
      the
      Seventh
      Day
      Adventists.
     
     
      If
      you
      believe
      this
      guy
      is
      Christ
      than
      pack
      your
      Bible
      because
      the
      end
      is
      here,
      but
      if
      you
      share
      the
     
     
      opinion
      with
      millions
      of
      others
      that
      J.C.
      was
      less
      of
      a
      gun-toting
      mad
      man
      and
      more
      of,
      let’s
      say,
     
     
      a
      saviour,
      you
      can
      relax.
      Maybe
      Mr.
      Koresh
      just
      needs
      some
      affection.
      Any
      volunteers
      for
      a
      hug
     
     
      fest
      in
      a
      war
      zone?
      Just
      call
      the
      FBI.
      They
      apparently
      have
      everything
      well
      under
      control.
     
    

    
     
      Who
      isto
      blame
      for
      all
      of
      this?
      John
      Major?
      Brian
      Mulroney?
      How
      about
      Queen
      Elizabeth
     
     
      II?
      She
      has
      a
      lot
      of
      time
      on
      her
      hands.
      Perhaps
      she
      is
      in
      the
      midst
      of
      a
      conspiracy
      to
      save
      her
      throne
     
     
      now
      that
      she
      is
      being
      forced
      to
      live
      like
      a
      commoner
      and
      pay
      taxes.
      Well,
      now
      that
      I
      can
      lay
      blame
     
     
      on
      a
      public
      person
      and
      am
      satisfied
      that
      all
      world
      problems
      are
      far
      removed
      from
      my
      small
      world,
     
     
      I
      will
      return
      to
      that
      atrocious
      mountain
      of
      work
      scattered
      about
      my
      desk.
      Just
      a
      few
      more
      pages
      of
     
     
      Coupland
      first.
      A
      slacker’s
      life
      never
      progresses
      beyond
      procrastination.
      @