BY
      TRENT
      DRAKE
     
    
   
   
    
     
      "WHEN
      AMOVIEMAKESALOTOFMONEY,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      only
      good
      taste
      will
      prevent
      a
      sequel.
      from
     
    
   
   
    
     
      being
      made.
      And
      we
      all
      know
      how
      much
      good’
     
    
   
   
    
     
      taste
      and
      integrity
      are
      worth
      in
      the
      movie
     
     
      industry,
      right?
      Nobody
      makes
      an
      unwarranted
     
     
      sequel
      just
      for
      cash,
      right?
      Hollywood
      respects
     
     
      talent
      too
      much
      to
      try
      to
      cash
      in,
      right?
     
    

    
     
      By
      now
      everyone
      knows
      I'm
      being
      sarcastic.
     
     
      Of
      course
      there'll
      be
      sequels,
      as
      longas
      there’s
     
     
      money
      to
      be
      made
      by
      cashing
      in
      on
      the
     
     
      previous
      picture's
      reputation.
     
    

    
     
      But
      what
      if
      the
      original
      movie
      made
      no
     
     
      money,
      has
      a
      very
      bad
      rep
      and
      no
      one
      on
      this
     
     
      side
      of
      the
      Atlantic
      Ocean
      has
      heard
      of
      it?
     
    

    
     
      They
      make
      a
      sequel
      to
      it!
      |
      never
      said
      show
     
     
      biz
      made
      sense.
     
    

    
     
      This
      week
      we're
      gonna
      take
      a
      look
      at
      my
     
     
      choice
      for
      the
      most
      ridiculous,
      unneeded
      sequel
     
     
      of
      all
      time:
      Lionman
      II:
      The
      Witchqueen.
     
    

    
     
      I
      know
      all
      you
      longtime
      readers
      are
      just
     
     
      drooling
      to
      run
      out
      and
      rent
      this
      flick,
      especially
     
     
      if
      you
      saw
      the
      original
      (reviewed
      in
      our
      first
     
     
      issue
      of
      the
      year).
      |
      know
      you're
      probably
     
     
      halfway
      to
      the
      video
      store
      by
      now,
      clenching
     
     
      your
      hard-earned
      money
      in
      a
      trembling
      fist,
     
     
      hoping
      no
      one
      has
      beaten
      you
      there,
      preparing
     
     
      for
      the
      fight
      you’re
      sureto
      have
      when
      someone
     
     
      else
      beats
      you
      to
      the
      last
      copy,
      but
      CALM
     
    

    
     
      DOWN
      AND
      KEEP
      READING!!!
      |
      haven’t
     
     
      finished
      raving
      like
      a
      lunatic
      yet.
     
    

    
     
      This
      is
      easily
      the
      worst
      movie
      I’ve
      ever
     
     
      seen.
      My
      first
      impression
      was
      that
      someone
     
     
      had
      given
      a
      starving
      troupe
      of
      Gypsies
      a
     
     
      camcorder
      and
      told
      them
      to
      make
      a
      movie,
      but
     
     
      then
      |
      realized
      that
      even
      starving
      Gypsies
      have
     
     
      their
      dignity.
     
    

    
     
      Here's
      the
      basic
      plot.
      Lion
      Man,
      now
      being
     
     
      played
      by
      a
      blonde
      American
      (Frank
      Morgan),
     
     
      decides
      he’s
      sick
      of
      being
      king
      of
      Thracia
      and
     
     
      sets
      off
      for
      the
      forest,
      leaving
      his
      son
      and
     
     
      kingdom
      in
      the
      hands
      of
      his
      brother
      Altar.
     
     
      With
      his
      ‘Faithful
      Companions’
      Chimp,
      Angel
     
     
      and
      Foxy
      and
      |
      (one)
      Princess
      in
      tow,
      Lion
      Man
     
     
      heads
      off
      into
      the
      night.
     
    

    
     
      All
      of
      this
      is
      great
      news
      to
      King
      Belisaurius,
     
     
      who
      has
      just
      married
      Rheasilvea
      the
      Sorceress
     
     
      and
      wants
      to
      give
      her
      Thracia
      as
      a
      wedding
      gift.
     
     
      So,
      with
      the
      help
      of
      the
      Witchqueen’s
      magic
     
     
      hawk
      and
      King
      B.'s
      (I
      hate
      longnames)
      seemingly
     
     
      endless
      supply
      of
      =a
      soldiers,
      they
      set
     
    
   
   
    
     
      out
      to
      kill
      Lion
      Man,
      kill
      Altar,
      kidnap
      Vulcan
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (son
      of
      Lion
      Man)
      and
      the
      |
      (one)
      Princess,
     
     
      crush
      Lion
      Man’s
      friends
      under
      various
      heavy
     
     
      objects,
      fail
      miserably
      and
      eventually
      die
      in
      a
     
     
      climactic
      battle
      at
      the
      end
      of
      the
      movie.
      Now,
     
     
      onto
      thetechnical
      stuff,
      like
      acting
      and
      costumes
     
     
      and
      evena
      couple
      of
      special
      effects.
      First
      of
      all,
     
     
      nobody
      but
      nobody
      in
      this
      nuclear
      bomb
      can
     
     
      act.
      Everyone,
      hero
      and
      villain
      and
      innkeeper
     
     
      alike,
      speaks
      with
      the
      same
      slow,
      careful,
     
     
      instructive
      tone
      you
      usually
      associate
      with
     
     
      every
      teacher
      who
      ever
      put
      you
      to
      sleep.
      The
     
     
      innkeeper
      is
      especially
      bad,
      because
      in
      white
     
     
      lab
      coat
      he
      could
      pass
      for
      a
      dull
      chemistry
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      teacher.
      The
      lousy
      delivery
      is
      taken
      to
      the
      lofty
     
    
   
   
    
     
      realms
      of
      absurdity
      by
      the
      fact
      that
      English
     
     
      does
      not
      appear
      to
      be
      the
      first
      language
      of
     
     
      several
      of
      the
      actors.
      Angel
      (the
      big
      strong
     
     
      guy)
      is
      very
      careful
      to
      pronounce
      all
      the
     
     
      syllables
      in
      “vegetables”
      slowly,
      almost
      with
     
     
      reverence.
      My
      grade
      eight
      nutrition
      teacher
     
     
      couldn't
      do
      better.
      And
      the
      bad
      guy,
      King
      B.,
     
     
      occasionally
      mistakes
      his
      banquet
      hall
      for
      the
     
     
      bridge
      of
      the
      Enterprise
      and
      lapses
      into
     
     
      Chekhov-speak:
      “I’m
      wery
      sorry,
      Lionman,
     
     
      but
      I'we
      kidnapped
      your
      son
      Wulcan.
      And
     
     
      lookout
      for
      Klingon
      wessels!”
      The
      only
      person
     
     
      who
      doesn’t
      talk
      like
      a
      teacher
      is
      Lion
      Man's
     
     
      son
      Vulcan,
      whose
      voice
      is
      so
      irritatingly
      whiny
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      you
      never
      have
      to
      wonder
      why
      Lion
      Man
     
     
      leaves
      him
      behind.
     
     
      The
      special
      effects
      are
      there.
      They
      aren't
     
    
   
   
    
     
      very
      effective,
      and
      they
      don’t
      look
      nearly
      |
     
    
   
   
    
     
      hokey
      enough-to
      merit
      much
      derision.
      The
     
     
      exception
      comes
      right
      at
      the
      beginning
      of
      the
     
     
      movies,
      when
      Rheasilvia
      uses
      her
      magic
      ring
      to
     
     
      reverse
      the
      flight
      of
      an
      axe
      an
      irate
      bad
      guy
     
     
      throws
      at
      her.
     
    

    
     
      The
      costumes,
      on
      the
      other
      hand,
      are
     
     
      really
      funny.
      The
      guards
      are
      outfitted
      with
     
     
      weapons
      of
      plastic
      or
      painted
      wood,
      cardboard
     
     
      shields
      and
      armour
      too
      flexible
      to
      be
      anything
     
     
      but
      rubber.
      The
      four
      heroes
      all
      wear
      variations
     
     
      on
      the
      same
      vest
      and
      pants
      ensemble
      that
      Lion
     
     
      Man
      sports.
      King
      B.
      wears
      a
      black
      Sheriff
      of
     
     
      Nottingham
      outfit
      with
      three
      metal
      balls
     
     
      attached
      to
      the
      shoulders.
      These
      little
      balls
      are
     
     
      actually
      the
      hilts
      to
      six
      daggers,
      and
      whenever
     
     
      someone
      tells
      King
      B.
      to
      put
      his
      hands
      up,
     
     
      these
      oversize
      knitting
      needles
      do
      them
      in.
     
    

    
     
      But
      the
      best
      costume
      award
      goes
      to
      the
     
     
      Witchqueen,
      Dee
      Taylor.
      It
      consists
      of
      a
      pink
     
     
      cape
      held
      up
      by
      an
      enormous
      gold-painted
     
     
      cardboard
      bowtie,
      a
      piece
      of
      weird
      hooked
     
     
      metalat
      the
      waist
      that
      threatens
      to
      disembowel
     
     
      her
      if
      she
      bends
      over,
      and
      three
      strategically
     
     
      placed
      gold
      hubcaps
      held
      in
      place
      by
      gold
      yarn.
     
     
      |
      can’t
      imagine
      how
      they
      convinced
      the
      poor
     
    
   
   
    
     
      =
      woman
      to
      wear
      such
      an
      outfit,
      but
      |
      can
     
    
   
   
    
     
      imagine
      how
      many
      times.
      it
      must
      have
      slipped
     
     
      during
      the
      filming
      of
      this
      opus.
      You
      have
      to
      see
     
     
      it
      to
      believe
      it,
      and
      when
      you
      do
      see
      it
      you'll
     
     
      either
      laugh
      like
      a
      donkey
      or
      start
      writing.
      me
     
     
      nasty
      letters.
     
    

    
     
      Scenes
      to
      watch
      for:
      The
      fight
      scenes,
     
     
      which
      are
      even
      more
      outlandish
      and
      amateurish
     
     
      than
      the
      ones
      in
      the
      first
      movie
      (though
     
     
      honestly
      not
      as
      exciting);
      the
      William
      Tell
     
     
      game
      Lion
      Man
      plays
      with
      Vulcan
     
     
      (unfortunately,
      the
      kid
      never
      gets
      hit);
      the
      bit
     
     
      where
      the
      captain
      of
      the
      evil
      soldiers
      tries
      to
     
     
      blow
      up
      King
      Altar;
      Angel
      getting
      hypnotized;
     
     
      the
      idiotic
      weapons
      of
      Foxy
      (Plywood
     
     
      Sawblades!
      What
      a
      fearsome
      weapon)
      and
      the
     
     
      ludicrous
      acrobatics
      of
      Chimp;
      the
      Valley
      of
     
     
      Death
      trap
      sequence
      (heavy
      spiked
      objects);
     
     
      the
      journey
      to
      the
      City
      of
      the
      Dead
      (various
     
     
      hungry
      plants
      try
      to
      eat
      our
      heroes);
      a
      very
     
     
      strange
      scene
      where
      Lion
      Man
      gets
      a
      wound
     
     
      on
      the
      right
      side
      of
      his
      chest
      and
      immediately
     
     
      sniffs
      his
      left
      armpit
      (fight
      scenes
      are:
      murder
      on
     
     
      deodorant!);
      and
      the
      part
      near
      the
      end
      where
     
     
      Rheasilvea
      chases
      Foxy
      up
      the
      same
      staircase
     
     
      two
      or
      three
      times,
      while
      holding
      her
      hubcap
     
     
      bra
      in
      place
      with
      one
      hand.
     
    

    
     
      Scenes
      to
      Fast
      Forward
      Past:
      Anything
     
     
      with
      Vulcan
      in
      it.
      Gag!
     
    

    
     
      Best
      line:
      A
      soldier
      smashes
      a
      log
      over
     
     
      Angel's
      head.
      Angel
      turns
      around,
      grabs
      the
     
     
      soldier,
      and
      yells,”
      Don’t
      touch
      my
      head
      again.
     
     
      I
      get
      very...
      ANGRY!”
      The
      second:
      best
      line:
     
     
      Lion
      Man
      tosses
      a
      soldier
      off
      a
      high
      wall.
      As
      he
     
     
      falls,
      a
      soundtrack
      utters
      the
      most
      bored
     
     
      “Argh!”
      I've
      ever
      heard.
     
    

    
     
      The
      Bottom
      Line:
      Not
      as
      good
      as
      the
     
     
      original,
      which
      was
      incredibly
      bad.
      Only
      for
     
     
      those
      of
      us
      who,
      like
      me,
      have
      already
      destroyed
     
     
      their
      ability
      to
      judge
      between
      good
      and
      bad
     
     
      movies
      and
      thoroughly
      enjoy
      watching
      crappy
     
     
      action
      adventure.
      Great
      fun
      for
      kids,
      who
      can’t
     
     
      tell
      the
      difference
      anyway.
     
    

    
     
      Available
      Locally
      At:
      Plaza
      Video,
      where
      |
     
     
      rent
      most
      of
      my
      crappy
      movies.
     
    

    
     
      Next
      Week:
      Lock
      your
      car.
      Chain
      it
      in
     
     
      your
      driveway.
      Cover
      it
      in
      cement
      and
      drain
     
     
      the
      gas
      tank,
      or
      it
      could
      be
      Gone
      In
      60
      Seconds!
     
     
      Be
      here
      for
      perhaps
      the
      longest
      continual
      car
     
     
      chase
      ever
      when
      Turkey
      Dinner
      returns
      (and
     
     
      changes
      its
      name).
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      Annual
      UPE
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      4:00
      PM
     
    
   
   
    
     
      El-Holland
      College
     
    
   
   
    
     
      DEBATE.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Be
      it
      resolved
      that
      the
      PEI
      government
      should
     
     
      introduce
      balanced
      beac
      legislation.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Wednesday,
      Jan.
      19,
      1994
     
     
      Kelley
      237
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
      x.press
      january
      eighteenth
      1994
      page
      [5
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