THE
      DILITHIUM
      CRYSTALS
     
     
      CANNAE
      TAKE
      IT.
      CAPTAIN!
     
    
   
   
    
     
      THE
      REFLECTORS
      FUGA
      GRAFIAM
      SLAPS
      TIRERSSIES
     
     
      UPSIDE
      THE
      SSULL
      AIND
      TELLS
      ERA
      VO
      GET
      A
      Lie.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ow
      many
      Trekkies
      does
      it
      take
      to
      change
      a
      light
      bulb?
      435
      —_
      funky
      Enterprise.
      God
      help
      anyone
      in
      a
      red
      uniform
      without
      an
      ersatz
     
     
      -oneto
      do
      the
      job,
      the
      other
      434tokvetchaboutwhether
      —
      Scottish
      accent
      unfortunate
      enough
      to
      beam
      down
      with
      the
      landing
      party.
     
     
      or
      not
      it
      violates
      the
      Prime
      Directive.
      These
      expendable
      crew
      members
      had
      the
      life
      expectancy
      of
      fur
      seal
      pups
     
    

    
     
      Only
      the
      followers
      of
      that
      quasi-religious
      media
      icon,
      _in
      a
      microwave.
      If
      there
      wasn’t
      at
      least
      one
      dead
      “security”
      man
      (how
     
     
      Star
      Trek,
      would
      understand
      sucha
      lame
      joke(sorry,short
      secure
      would
      you
      feel
      if
      your
      bodyguards
      could
      not
      outlive
      a
      three-minute
     
     
      notice).
      Whatisit
      about
      egg?)
      by
      the
      first
      commercial
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      twenty-five
      year
      old
      space-opera
      SHATNER
      NEVER
      NEEDED
      TO
      BE
      break,
      you
      knew
      it
      was
      going
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      about
      a
      ship
      full
      of
      polyester-clad
      (the
      be
      one
      of
      those
      “brainy”
      epi-
     
    

    
     
      women
      were
      semi-clad)
      zeebs
      that
      has
      {UMBERED
      WITH
      TALENT
      IN
      sodes.
     
    

    
     
      spawned
      six
      movies,
      two
      spinoffs,
      and
      Today
      the
      old
      crew
      of
      the
     
    

    
     
      enough
      commercial
      junk
      to
      fill
      a
      space
      OR
      ER
      Te
      AE
      Rez?
      Enterprise
      are
      now
      onthe
      down-
     
     
      os
      WwW
      L
      |
      G
      hill
      side
      of
      raging
      senility,
      but
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      size
      of
      the
      Andes
      Mountains?
      The
     
     
      effects
      of
      this
      burp
      of
      half-digested
      sci-
      ua
      spiel
      just
      keeps
      rolling
      along.
     
     
      fi
      pap
      are
      as
      far
      -reaching
      as
      they
      are
      geo
      ee
      OLD
      NERDS
      wHo
      Aside
      from
      the
      spin-offs,
      there
     
     
      bizarre.
      |
      have
      been
      privy
      to
      conversa-
      are
      the
      conventions
      and
      enough
     
     
      tions
      on
      the
      erotic
      potential
      of
      Spock’s
      HAV
      E
      ER
      HAD
      A
      DATE:
      souvenirs
      to
      make
      evena
      Klingon
     
     
      pointed
      ears
      and
      was
      once
      held
      captive
      by
      aroving
      roundtable
      discussion
      _
      lose
      control
      of
      his
      otherwise
      iron
      sphincter.
      What’s
      a
      Doctor
      Who
      fan
      to
     
     
      of
      Captain
      Kirk
      as
      a
      recurring
      Christ
      figure!
      do
      in
      the
      face
      of
      such
      overwhelming
      publicity
      and
      overly
      inflated
      special
     
    

    
     
      The
      question
      that
      needs
      to
      be
      asked
      is
      this:
      why?
      William
      Shatner’s
      _
      effects
      budgets?
      Just
      take
      a
      deep
      breath,
      toss
      back
      a
      Scotch
      and
      Maalox,
     
     
      only
      claim
      to
      fame,
      indeed
      that
      of
      the
      whole
      crew
      of
      Star
      Trek,
      is
      thathe
      grab
      a
      copy
      of
      Omni,
      and
      lock
      yourself
      in
      the
      loo
      until
      Star
      Trek
      XXIV:
      The
     
     
      never
      needed
      to
      be
      lumbered
      with
      talent
      in
      order
      to
      be
      immortalized
      by
      —
      Search
      for
      Dependable
      Undergarments
      comes
      to
      a
      theatre
      near
      you.
     
     
      basement-dwelling
      thirty-year
      old
     
     
      nerds
      who
      have
      never
      hada
      date.
     
    

    
     
      This
      is
      not
      to
      say
      that
      every-
     
     
      thing
      about
      Star
      Trek
      was
      trash,
     
     
      but
      Jesus
      H.M.S.
      Christ,
      some
      of
     
     
      the
      episodes!
      “The
      Search
      for
     
     
      Spock’s
      Brain”?
      “Attack
      of
      the
     
     
      Cuteand
      Fuzzy
      but
      Overly
      Horny
     
     
      Tribbles”?
      “Invasion
      of
      the
      Pur-
     
     
      ple
      Dongbiters
      from
      Mars”?
      |
     
     
      swear,
      some
      of
      the
      plotlines
      for
     
     
      this
      series
      were
      obviously
      writ-
     
     
      ten
      not
      so
      much
      for
      dramatic
     
     
      tension
      but
      to
      fill
      an
      hour
      of
     
     
      prime
      time
      with
      pseudo-science
     
     
      and
      large-breasted
      women
      with
     
     
      plunging
      necklines
      and
      micro
     
     
      skirts
      cut
      to
      the
      navel.
     
    

    
     
      Speaking
      of
      sex,
      avoid
      the
     
     
      twenty-fourth
      century
      like
      the
     
     
      plague.
      Unless
      you're
      a
      girdle-
     
     
      wearing,
      toupeed
      captain
      of
      a
     
     
      star
      ship,
      the
      only
      nookie
      anyone
     
     
      is
      going
      to
      get
      is
      in
      the
      minds
      of
     
     
      the
      audience.
      Come
      on,
      which
     
     
      one
      of
      you
      adolescent,
      zit
      cream
     
     
      addicts
      didn’t
      want
      to
      “beam
      up”
     
     
      Lt.
      Uhura?
      “Captain's
      Log;
      Star
      Date
      |7:
      ordered
      new
      corset
      from
      ship's
      lingerie
     
    

    
     
      Not
      to
      say
      there
      was
      never
      shop;
      think
      I've
      fallen
      in
      love
      with
      Scottie
      (again!)."
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      any
      danger
      on
      the
      wollopingly
     
    
   
   
    
     
      September
      9,
      1993/X-Press/9