This
      Week:
      Legend
     
    
   
   
    
     
      QO
      kay,
      here’s
      the
      premise.
      In
      a
      far
      away
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      land,
      a
      long,
      long,
      looooong
      time
      ago,
     
    

    
     
      there
      was
      a
      beautiful
      princess
      who
      loved
     
     
      everybody.
      This
      was
      partly
      because
      she
      was
     
     
      naive,
      but
      mostly
      because
      she
      didn’t
      know
     
     
      many
      people.
     
    

    
     
      In
      this
      same
      land
      lived
      a
      young
      commoner
     
     
      who
      loved
      the
      princess.
      He
      had
      the
      same
     
     
      problem
      she
      had
      (i.e.
      not
      knowing
      anyone
      he
     
     
      could
      hate),
      but
      that
      was
      because
      he
      lived
      in
      the
     
     
      forest
      and
      didn’t
      get
      out
      much.
     
    

    
     
      Now,
      if
      they
      were
      right
      and
      there
      was
      no
      true
     
     
      evil
      in
      the
      world,
      this
      would
      be
      the
      most
      boring
     
     
      fairy
      tale
      onrecord.
      Fortunately,
      they
      are
      wrong...
     
     
      boy,
      are
      they
      wrong.
      Not
      only
      is
      there
      a
      heck
      of
     
     
      a
      lot
      of
      true
      evil
      out
      there,
      but
      its
      armies
      are
      led
     
     
      by
      the
      most
      diabolical
      Prince
      Of
      Evil
      the
      cos-
     
     
      mos
      has
      ever
      known--....
     
    

    
     
      Tim
      Curry
      in
      a
      foam
      suit.
     
    

    
     
      So
      begins
      the
      saga
      of
      Legend,
      the
      most
     
     
      elaborately
      filmed
      Aesop’s
      fable
      ever
      to
      hit
      the
     
     
      big
      screen.
      Brought
      to
      us
      by
      Ridley
      Scott
      (the
     
     
      director
      of
      the
      classic
      sci-fi
      epic
      Blade
      Runner),
     
     
      this
      is
      the
      most
      easily
      understood
      movie
      in
     
     
      history.
     
    

    
     
      To
      sum
      it
      all
      up:
      The
      Princess
      (Mia
      Sara)
     
     
      lovesa
      woodsy
      little
      fellow
      named
      Jack,
      played
     
     
      with
      baby-faced
      ease
      by
      Tom
      Cruise.
      It
      would
     
     
      appear
      that
      the
      Princess
      also
      loves
      Slushies,
     
     
      since
      she
      demonstrates
      a
      remarkable
      amount
      of
     
     
      brain
      freeze.
      When
      her
      True
      Love
      leads
      her
      to
     
     
      the
      glade
      where
      the
      Unicorns
      hang
      out,
      she
      fails
     
     
      to
      notice
      the
      noisy,
      smelly
      goblins
      following
     
     
      her.
      She
      also
      distracts
      the
      unicorns
      just
      long
     
     
      nough
      for
      her
      unseen,
      unheard
      and
      unsmelt
     
     
      Hii
      to
      shoot
      one
      of
      them
      witha
      large
      honey
     
    

    
     
      eC.
     
    

    
     
      This
      leads
      to
      the
      death
      of
      one
      of
      the
      unicorns,
     
     
      the
      capture
      of
      the
      princess
      and
      the
      changing
      of
     
     
      the
      world
      into
      a
      planetary
      penguin
      paradise.
      So
     
     
      of
      course,
      Jack
      has
      to
      go
      rescue
      her.
      He
      meets
      up
     
     
      with
      assorted
      pixies,
      sprites,
      and
      dwarves
      (who
     
     
      are
      nice,
      or
      if
      you
      prefer,
      Good)
      and
      various
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      species
      of
      troll,
      goblin
      and
      hag
      (who
      are
      Bad).
     
     
      In
      the
      end,
      good
      wins,
      the
      Balance
      of
      Life
      is
     
     
      restored,
      the
      Dark
      Prince
      retreats
      to
      get
      out
      of
     
     
      his
      hot
      foam
      suit,
      and
      everybody’s
      happy
      but
     
     
      the
      bad
      guys.
     
    

    
     
      Now
      this
      movie
      has
      been
      out
      for
      a
      while
      and
     
     
      has
      a
      lot
      of
      fans,
      so
      I’d
      just
      like
      to
      make
      it
      clear
     
     
      that
      I
      enjoyed
      this
      movie.
      It
      was
      a
      nice,
      simple
     
     
      story
      with
      a
      nice,
      clear
      moral
      and
      everybody
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      acting
      like
      whatever
      stereotype
      they
      were.
      The
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Princess
      actually
      does
      some
      thinking
      once
      she
     
     
      reaches
      the
      Bad
      Guy’s
      lair
      (it’s
      a
      big
      castle
      with
     
     
      a
      huge
      fireplace;
      I
      like
      to
      think
      that’s
      what
     
     
      thawed
      her
      brain
      out).
      Tom
      Cruise,
      while
      not
     
     
      Oscar
      material,
      handles
      the
      role
      of
      the
      slightly
     
     
      befuddled
      young
      hero
      very
      well.
      Unfortunately,
     
     
      he
      spends
      the
      first
      half
      hour
      of
      the
      movie
     
     
      running
      about
      in
      a
      tunic
      and
      loin
      cloth
      ensemble
     
     
      that
      makes
      him
      look
      like
      a
      leftover
      from
      Quest
     
     
      For
      Fire.
      And
      when
      he
      does
      put
      something
      else
     
     
      on,
      it’s
      only
      a
      shirt
      of
      plated
      mail
      armour.
      Even
     
     
      in
      the
      harshest
      blizzard,
      he
      runs
      about
      bare-
     
     
      legged,
      and
      that
      makes
      him
      impossible
      to
      take
     
     
      seriously.
      Tim
      Curry,
      or
      Mr.
      Evil,
      as
      I
      like
      to
     
     
      call
      him,
      plays
      his
      role
      as
      ultimate
      evil
      with
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      usual
      villainous
      perfection,
      but
      is
      continually
     
     
      upstaged
      by
      his
      costume.
      This
      rubber
      armour
     
     
      gives
      him
      the
      appearance
      of
      an
      Adonis...
      but
      the
     
     
      two
      enormous
      horns
      on
      his
      head
      are
      easily
      the
     
     
      size
      of
      Arnold
      S.’s
      arms
      (there’s
      that
      X
      laziness
     
     
      again)
      and
      give
      the
      impression
      that
      he’s
      gonna
     
     
      fall
      over
      on
      his
      face
      at
      any
      second.
     
    

    
     
      The
      direction
      also
      bears
      mentioning.
      Ridley
     
     
      Scott
      is
      considered
      by
      a
      few
      to
      be
      akin
      to
      a
      god,
     
     
      and
      this
      film
      is
      one
      of
      the
      reasons-
      but
      he
      has
      his
     
     
      problems.
      Instead
      of
      evoking
      sweeping
      pano-
     
     
      ramas
      and
      wide-open
      spaces,
      everything
      seems
     
     
      claustrophobic.
      Also,
      there’s
      something
      blow-
     
     
      ing
      through
      every
      scene
      in
      the
      movie.
      It
      might
     
     
      be
      snow,
      or
      millions
      of
      rose
      petals,
      or
      laundry,
     
     
      or
      Lawrence
      Welk-ish
      bubbles,
      but
      there’s
      al-
     
     
      most
      always
      something
      being
      borne
      on
      the
     
     
      wind.
      It
      makes
      sense
      in
      places--
      the
      laundry
      on
     
     
      the
      line,
      snow
      in
      a
      blizzard,
      and
      so
      on--
      but
      it’s
     
     
      usually
      just
      something
      that
      makes
      no
      sense
      to
     
     
      the
      scene
      and
      is
      there
      because
      it’s
      pretty.
     
    

    
     
      In
      fact,
      that
      sums
      up
      the
      movie.
      Pretty.
      It’s
     
     
      brainrot,
      but
      it’s
      beautiful
      to
      look
      at.
     
    

    
     
      Stuff
      To
      Watch
      For:
      The
      pretty
      things
      that
     
     
      waft
      through
      every
      scene;
      Tom
      Cruise
      and
      the
     
     
      Deadhead
      Dwarves;
      the
      climatic
      scene
      where
     
     
      the
      Prince
      Of
      Darkness
      gets
      literally
      lasered;
     
     
      and
      one
      very
      interesting
      scene
      where
      the
      Hero
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      and
      his
      shrunken
      entourage
      are
      thrown
      into
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      cell
      in
      the
      deepest
      part
      of
      the
      castle
      and
      the
     
     
      bubbles
      start
      blowing
      by
      again.
      And
      me
      with-
     
     
      out
      my
      accordion!
     
     
      Minor
      Quibbles:
      The
      closed-in
      feel
      of
      the
     
    

    
     
      direction
      and
      the
      overly
      simplistic
      story.
     
    

    
     
      Judgement
      (someone
      write
      in
      a
      better
      name
     
     
      for
      this
      section,
      PLEASE!):
      I
      liked
      it.
      It’s
      a
     
     
      great
      babysitter
      for
      the
      eyeballs
      while
      your
     
     
      brain
      goes
      out
      for
      a
      night
      on
      the
      town.
     
    

    
     
      Available:
      Everywhere.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Next
      Time:
      You
      won’t
      believe
      it
      when
      you
     
     
      see
      Lion
      Man
      II:
      the
      Witchqueen
      and
      our
     
     
      guide
      to
      reading
      Turkey
      Dinner!
     
    

    
     
      TRENT
      DRAKE
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      December
      2,
      1993/X-Press/19