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      Etiquette
      For
      Men:
      A
      Book
      of
      Modern
      Manners
      and
      Customs
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      written
      by
      GR.M
      Devereux,
      2002
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Any
      book
      which
      professes
      to
     
     
      "assist
      the
      smooth-running
      of
      our
     
     
      everyday
      affairs,
      friendships,
      and
     
     
      social
      functions"
      while
      simultaneously
     
     
      assisting
      "any
      man
      who
      desires
      social
     
     
      happiness
      and
      success"
      (11)
      is
      a
      book
     
     
      which
      follows
      a
      worthy
      venture
     
     
      indeed.
      However,
      upon
      the
      most
     
     
      minute
      inspection,
      this
      compilation
      of
     
     
      etiquette
      is
      simply
      not
      stringent
     
     
      enough
      to
      uphold
      the
      values
      of
      any
     
     
      decent
      living
      man
      -
      it
      is
      maligned
      and
     
     
      horrific!
      What
      kind
      of
      degenerate
     
     
      monkey
      men
      would
      adhere
      to
      the
      cal-
     
     
      lous
      barbarousness
      of
      this
      book
      I
      do
     
     
      not
      know.
      What
      I
      speak
      of
      will
      very
     
     
      soon
      become
      obvious
      to
      you.
     
    

    
     
      Take,
      for
      example,
      what
     
     
      Devereux
      has
      to
      say
      of
      etiquette
      at
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      table,
      in
      the
      area
      of
      dessert.
      "Grapes
     
     
      are
      placed
      in
      the
      mouth
      singly,
      or,
     
     
      rather,
      squeezed
      into
      the
      mouth,
      the
     
     
      skin
      being
      kept
      in
      the
      fingers.
      Many
     
     
      people
      remove
      the
      seeds
      with
      the
      fin-
     
     
      gers,
      but
      strictly
      the
      fork
      should
      be
     
     
      used."
      Now
      come
      on,
      you
      surely
     
     
      would
      not
      accept
      this
      depiction
      of
      how
     
     
      one
      might
      politely
      eat
      a
      grape?!
      How
     
     
      terribly
      horrendous!
      How
      absurd!!
      An
     
     
      affront
      in
      the
      face
      of
      human
      civiliza-
     
     
      tion
      all
      over
      the
      world!
      The
      grape
     
     
      should
      not
      be
      touched
      by
      the
      fingers
     
     
      where
      some
      juice
      might
      run
      down
      the
     
     
      hand,
      it
      should
      be
      delicately
      sliced
      on
     
     
      the
      plate
      using
      knife
      and
      fork,
      while
     
     
      the
      spoon
      is
      held
      by
      the
      handle,
      and
     
     
      between
      the
      teeth.
      This
      allows
      for
      the
     
     
      bowl
      of
      the
      spoon
      to
      catch
      any
      juice
     
     
      that
      may
      be
      released
      as
      pressure
      is
     
     
      exerted
      on
      the
      fruit.
      Furthermore,
      a
     
     
      slice
      equalling
      a
      1/12
      serving
      ratio
     
     
      should
      be
      divided
      off
      the
      grape
      where
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      standard
      metric
      system
      is
      used,
     
     
      while
      a
      1/10
      ratio
      should
      be
      followed
     
     
      in
      areas
      where
      the
      modern
      metric
      sys-
     
     
      tem
      is
      used.
      However,
      if
      one
      is
      in
      an
     
     
      area
      of
      high
      forestation,
      one
      will
      want
     
     
      to
      have
      a
      basic
      understanding
      of
      math-
     
     
      ematics,
      to
      ensure
      that
      the
      meal's
      set
     
     
      time
      period
      is
      divided
      into
      equal
      slots,
     
     
      which
      will
      serve
      as
      a
      calendar
      depict-
     
     
      ing
      when
      to
      slice,
      and
      when
      to
      eat
      the
     
     
      next
      grape
      particle.
      This
      will
      ensure
     
     
      that
      one
      does
      not
      run
      out
      of
      grape
     
     
      before
      meal
      time
      is
      up,
      and
      also
      that
     
     
      one
      is
      not
      left
      with
      an
      overly
      large
     
     
      hunk
      of
      grape
      which
      cannot
      be
      con-
     
     
      sumed
      by
      the
      ending
      of
      the
      meal
      in
      an
     
     
      honourable
      fashion
      -
      one
      does
      not,
      of
     
     
      course,
      want
      to
      play
      the
      role
      of
      glut-
     
     
      ton.
     
    

    
     
      Furthermore,
      to
      conceive
      of
     
     
      serving
      grapes
      in
      which
      there
      is
      a
     
     
      layer
      of
      skin
      intact
      around
      the
      outer
     
     
      surface
      is
      simply
      ridiculous,
      for
      proper
     
    
   
   
    
     
      grapes
      are
      now
      grown
      without
      this.
      As
     
     
      for
      the
      seeds,
      no
      ethical
      human
      being
     
     
      would
      ever
      think
      of
      growing
      such
      a
     
     
      terrible
      little
      problem
      these
      days.
     
     
      Gloves
      are
      to
      be
      worn
      at
      all
      times,
      and
     
     
      silk
      bed-sheets
      lined
      with
      gilt
      edges
     
     
      are
      now
      commonplace
      to
      be
      used
      as
     
     
      napkins
      in
      any
      normal
      household.
     
    

    
     
      There
      are
      many
      other
      exam-
     
     
      ples
      which
      I
      might
      quote
      for
      you,
      but
      I
     
     
      would
      not
      be
      so
      inclined
      so
      as
      to
      fur-
     
     
      ther
      upset
      your
      moral
      and
      mental
      bal-
     
     
      ance
      by
      stating
      the
      barbarous
      slaughter
     
     
      of
      social
      hacks
      this
      book
      promotes.
      I
     
     
      am
      furiously
      disgusted
      with
      the
      eti-
     
     
      quette
      within,
      and
      will
      do
      my
      best
      to
     
     
      promote
      a
      healthy
      standard
      of
      eti-
     
     
      quette,
      as
      I
      feel
      it
      is
      my
      duty
      to
      pub-
     
     
      lish
      a
      book
      which
      upholds
      those
      man-
     
     
      ners
      which
      are
      valid
      and
      which
      our
     
     
      American
      taste
      buds
      stand
      for.
      Tally-
     
     
      ho
      partner,
      off
      to
      Burger
      King
      I
      am
      -
     
     
      now
      mind
      your
      manners!
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Gorm.
      got
      to:
      UPEL
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      My
      name
      is
      Shannon
      Comeau
     
    
   
   
    
     
      and
      I
      don't
      go
      to
      the
      University
      of
     
     
      Prince
      Edward
      Island.
      You
      may
      have
     
     
      seen
      me
      wandering
      the
      campus,
     
     
      maybe
      even.
      studying
      in
      the
      library
     
     
      and
      of
      course,
      at
      the
      Wave
      on
      ©
     
     
      Wednesdays
      but
      the
      shocker
      is...I
     
     
      don't
      pay
      tuition
      and
      attend
      classes.
      I
     
     
      may
      have
      the
      backpack,
      the
      binders,
     
     
      the
      mugs
      and
      the
      clothing
      that
      say
     
     
      U.P.E.I.
      but
      my
      student
      I.D.
      still
      says
     
     
      Charlottetown
      Rural.
      I
      even
      play
      on
     
     
      the
      U.P.E.I.
      dodge
      ball
      club.
      I
      have
     
     
      been
      out
      of
      high
      school
      for
      about
      two
     
     
      and
      a
      half
      years
      and
      am
      now
      upgrad-
     
     
      ing
      those
      good
      ol'
      621
      marks
      at
     
     
      Holland
      College.
     
    

    
     
      If
      you
      know
      me,
      you've
     
     
      asked,
      "when
      you
      will
      be
      attending
     
     
      U.P.E.I.?"and
      for
      the
      past
      2
      years,
      I've
     
     
      said
      next
      semester.
      It's
      been
      a
      good
     
    
   
   
    
     
      answer
      in
      my
      opinion
      as
      it
      gets
      people
      -
     
    
   
   
    
     
      off
      my
      back.
      I
      also
      love
      stretching
      the
     
     
      truth
      when
      someone
      I
      don't
      really
     
     
      know
      asks
      me
      how
      school
      is
      going.
     
     
      Of
      course,
      they
      aren't
      asking
      about
      my
     
     
      Adult
      Education
      so
      I
      respond
      that
      I
     
     
      love
      the
      classes,
      so
      happy
      that
      I
      decid-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -
      ed
      to
      enroll.
      I
      attended
      one
      class
      with
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      friend
      once
      and
      it
      made
      me
      ache
      for
     
     
      the
      days
      when
      I
      could
      just
      doodle
      in
     
     
      my
      scribbler
      and
      make
      a
      list
      of
      the
     
     
      things
      I
      need
      to
      get
      done
      for
      the
      day.
     
     
      Isn't
      that
      what
      school
      is
      all
      about
      these
     
     
      days
      anyways?
      Oh
      right,
      that
      was
     
     
      just
      what
      my
      school
      is
      like.
     
    

    
     
      I
      think
      that
      U.P.E.I.
      should
     
     
      hire
      me
      as
      a
      representative,
      just
      ship
     
     
      me
      off
      to
      far
      off
      places
      where
      I
      can
     
     
      wear
      my
      U.P.E.I.
      outfit
      complete
      with
     
     
      shorts,
      shirt,
      sweater
      and
      bandana.
      I'll
     
     
      only
      travel
      with
      my
      bookstore
      back-
     
     
      pack
      and
      water
      bottle,
      a
      box
      of
      calen-
     
     
      dars
      and
      applications
      and
      a
      signed
      pic-
     
     
      ture
      of
      me
      and
      Brandon
      MacKenzie..
      I
     
     
      would
      have
      a
      lot
      of
      good
      things
      to
      say
     
     
      about
      all
      the
      different
      faculties
     
     
      because
      I've
      been
      on
      almost
      all
      of
     
     
      their
      pub
      crawls.
     
    

    
     
      I
      have
      high
      hopes
      for
      one
      day
     
     
      attending
      U.P.E.I.
      and
      I
      know
      that
     
     
      someday
      I
      will
      actually
      pay
      (with
      the
     
     
      help
      of
      the
      Government)
      the
      ridicu-
     
     
      lous
      amount
      of
      money
      to
      doze
      off
      in
     
     
      class
      and
      pass
      in
      assignments
      two
      or
     
     
      three
      days
      after
      they
      are
      due.
      I
      can't
     
     
      wait
      another
      day
      but
      alas
      kids,
      I
      am
     
     
      putting
      off
      my
      studies
      at
      U.P.E.I.
      until
     
     
      next
      semester.