Editorial
      06:
      Franny,
      Apathy
      and
      an
      Electric
     
     
      Blanket
      of
      White
      Snow
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      the
      time
      the
      good
      people
      of
      PE.!.
      awake
     
    

    
     
      their
      world
      will
      be
      covered
      in
      a
      Dylan
      Thomas
      like
     
     
      blanket
      of
      electric
      white
      snow.
      It
      is
      4:38
      am
     
    

    
     
      nd
      not
      a
      soul
      has
      touched
      the
      ground
      on
      campus.
     
    

    
     
      hen
      you
      are
      reading
      this
      there
      will
      be
      no
      trace
      of
     
    

    
     
      he
      undisturbed
      beauty
      that
      awaits
      me
      on
      my
      way
     
    
   
   
    
     
      e
      miles
      from
      here
      in
      my
      bed
      with
      only
      my
      orange
     
     
      at
      to
      keep
      me
      company.
     
    

    
     
      Franny,
      named
      for
      J.D.
      Salinger’s
      Franny
     
     
      lass,
      does
      not
      much
      like
      the
      snow.
      She
      is
      a
     
     
      estern
      cat,
      doped
      up
      on
      pills
      an
      transported
     
     
      cross
      the
      country
      by
      me.
      Icut:
      ‘:ale
      in
      my
     
     
      indow
      screen
      so
      she
      could
      run
      around
      on
      the
     
     
      oof;
      mostly
      she
      calls
      at
      birds
      and
      does
      wind
     
     
      prints
      when
      |
      am
      trying
      to
      sleep;
      but,
      alas
      Franny
     
     
      ill
      have
      to
      learn,
      once
      again,
      to
      live
      inside,
      for
      old
     
     
      an
      winter
      is
      here,
      and
      he
      has
      a
      mean-on.
      So
     
     
      Franny
      is
      the
      least
      of
      my
      concerns.
     
    

    
     
      After
      the
      much
      noted
      melodrama
      of
      my
      last
     
     
      salvo
      |
      shall
      endeavour
      to
      not
      answer
      my
      accus-
     
     
      ers
      so
      much
      as
      flip
      them
      off.(Firstly
      by
      discussing
     
     
      my
      cat.)
     
    

    
     
      Those
      who
      want
      news
      will
      find
      lots
      inside.
     
     
      My
      feelings
      on
      the
      lack
      of
      news
      in
      this
      paper
      are
     
     
      well
      known;
      we
      print
      what
      we
      can
      get,
      and
      work
     
     
      on
      making
      dead
      ends
      good
      stories.
      The
      locking
     
     
      down
      of
      the
      computer
      labs
      is
      a
      story
      Sara
      has
     
     
      been
      working
      on
      for
      weeks,
      she
      has
      been
      stone
     
     
      walled
      at
      almost
      every
      turn.
      It
      has
      led
      to
      a
     
     
      cowardly
      passing
      of
      the
      buck
      by
      both
      security
      and
     
     
      computer
      services.
      It
      is
      really
      a
      matter
      of
      account-
     
     
      ability.
      One
      of
      you
      stand
      up
      and
      say
      it
      was
      me,
     
     
      and
      this
      is
      why.
      The
      problem
      with
      a
      notoriously
     
     
      apathetic
      university
      is
      that
      that
      apathy
      extends
     
     
      itself
      to
      faculty,
      staff,
      and
      all
      else.
      Several
      profes-
     
     
      sors,
      and
      dozens
      of
      students
      were
      invited
      person-
     
     
      ally
      to
      write
      for
      the
      Cadre
      and
      have
      not
      delivered,
     
     
      SO
      their
      critiques
      fall
      on
      my
      deaf
      ears.
      By
      the
      way
     
     
      this
      week's
      cover
      is
      the
      best
      thing
      to
      ever
      grace
      a
     
     
      University
      Newspaper,
      but
      you
      know,
      I’m
      prone
      to
     
     
      hyperbole,
      and
      |
      think
      Heather
      is
      a
      genius.
     
    

    
     
      Finally
      to
      the
      guy
      |
      told
      to
      PFO;
      sorry
      ,
      it
     
     
      was
      a
      dumb
      shot
      |
      regret
      taking.
     
    

    
     
      |
      had
      not
      planned
      to
      write
      and
      editorial
      this
     
     
      week
      but
      something
      about
      the
      snow
      and
      the
     
     
      Nicotine
      and
      the
      lingering
      effects
      of
      drinking
      with
     
     
      Ron
      Sexsmith
      spurred
      me
      on.
      |
      can
      think
      of
     
     
      nothing
      more
      inspiring
      in
      this
      world
      than
      this
     
     
      Campus
      at
      first
      snowfall,
      forty
      minutes
      before
      the
     
     
      Sunrise,
      wish
      you
      were
      all
      here.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ome.
      When
      the
      sun
      comes
      up
      this
      morning
      |
      will
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      COOL
      LOVE
      Coolbreeze
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      was
      watching
      the
     
     
      news
      and
      I
      noticed
      a
     
     
      story
      on
      a
      celebrity
     
     
      couple
      that
      was
      “on
     
     
      the
      rocks”
      and
      I
     
     
      could
      not
      believe
      it.
     
     
      How
      could
      this
      kind
     
     
      of
      thing
      happen
     
     
      (again)
      to
      the
      King
      of
     
     
      Pop,
      Michael
     
     
      Jackson?
      I’ve
      decided
     
     
      to
      devote
      this
      week's
     
     
      column
      to
      famous
     
     
      people
      and
      their
     
     
      problems.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Cool:
     
    

    
     
      I’m
      acute
      yellow
     
     
      character
      from
      a
     
     
      video
      game
      and
      I’m
     
     
      not
      sure
      how
      to
     
     
      handle
      my
      recent
      rise
     
     
      to
      fame.
      I
      thought
      if
      I
     
     
      became
      famous,
      then
     
     
      women
      would
      shower
     
    
   
   
    
     
      me
      with
      panties,
      but
      —
     
    
   
   
    
     
      instead
      I
      am
      the
     
     
      obsession
      of
      millions
     
     
      of
      nerdy
      schoolboys.
     
     
      This
      seriously
      sucks
     
     
      and
      if
      I
      don’t
      get
      laid
     
     
      now,
      I
      never
      will
     
     
      because
      my
     
     
      popularity
      will
     
     
      eventually
      burn
      out
     
     
      quicker
      than
      you
      can
     
     
      say
      Pauly
      Shore.
      Help
     
     
      me.
     
    

    
     
      Pokemon
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Pokemon:
     
     
      You're
      looking
      at
      this
     
     
      whole
      situation
      the
     
     
      wrong
      way.
      You
     
     
      should
      look
      at
      your
     
     
      young
      fans
      as
      a
      way
      |
     
     
      to
      win
      the
      hearts
      of
     
     
      any
      woman
      you
      want.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Women
      love
      sensitive
     
     
      men
      who
      can
      befriend
     
     
      children.
      That
      is
      why
     
     
      the
      Big
      Brother
     
     
      program
      was
      started:
     
     
      so
      guys
      could
      trick
     
     
      chicks
      into
      sleeping
     
     
      with
      them.
      But
      a
      more
     
     
      reasonable
      way
      to
      take
     
     
      advantage
      of
      these
     
     
      boys
      without
      taking
     
     
      them
      to
      baseball
     
     
      games
      is
      to
      tell
      women
     
     
      you
      are
      holding
      them
     
     
      hostage
      and
      you
      will
     
     
      cause
      them
      bodily
     
     
      harm
      unless
      she
      lets
     
     
      you
      POKE
      her,
      MON.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Cool:
     
    

    
     
      I
      was
      checking
      out
      this
     
     
      hottie
      at
      the
      mall
      and
      I
     
     
      nearly
      freaked.
      My
     
     
      friends
      told
      me
      to
      go
     
     
      talk
      to
      him,
      so
      I
     
     
      walked
      up
      to
      him
      and
     
     
      attempted
      to
      break
      the
     
     
      ice.
      But
      as
      soon
      as
      I
     
     
      opened
      my
      mouth
      he
     
     
      got
      caught
      shoplifting
     
     
      from
      a
      record
      store.
      He
     
     
      may
      have
      stolen
      a
      Def
     
     
      Leopard
      album,
      but
      he
     
     
      also
      stole
      my
      heart.
     
     
      Why
      is
      it
      that
      all
      the
     
     
      cute
      guys
      are
      either
     
     
      shoplifters
      or
      crusty
     
     
      old
      men?
     
    

    
     
      Jennifer
      Love
      Hewitt
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Jennifer:
     
    

    
     
      That’s
      a
      question
      I
      ask
     
     
      myself
      all
      the
      time.
      A
     
     
      good
      hunk
      is
      hard
      to
     
     
      find,
      unless
      you
      hang
     
     
      out
      at
      reform
      schools
     
    
   
   
    
     
      or
      senior
      citizens
     
    
   
   
    
     
      homes.
      Here
      are
      some
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      the
      qualities
      of
      two
     
     
      babes:
      Leonardo
      Di
     
     
      Caprio
      is
      an
     
     
      irresistible
      thief
     
     
      because
      of
      his
      street
     
     
      smarts
      and
      his
      ability
     
     
      to
      pick
      a
      lock
      with
      his
     
     
      tongue.
      And
      Sean
     
     
      Connery,
      the
      sexiest
     
     
      crusty
      man
      in
      the
     
     
      world,
      has
      appeal
     
     
      because
      of
      his
      gray
     
     
      hair
      and
      his
      collection
     
     
      of
      wooden
      duck
     
     
      carvings.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze:
     
    

    
     
      I
      have
      a
      lot
      of
     
     
      blackouts.
      One
      minute
     
     
      I’m
      drinking
      in
      a
      bar
     
     
      and
      the
      next
      thing
      I
     
     
      know
      I’m
      waking
      up
     
     
      on
      a
      farm
      next
      to
      some
     
     
      chickens.
      I
      have
      no
     
     
      memory
      of
      what
     
     
      happens
      when
      I
      lose
     
     
      consciousness,
      but
      I
     
     
      think
      it’s
      something
     
     
      bad.
      The
      other
      day
      I
     
     
      saw
      a
      poster
      of
      myself
     
     
      in
      a
      record
      store.
     
     
      Sometimes
      I
      swear
     
     
      that
      I
      hear
      my
      voice
     
     
      crooning
      from
      the
     
     
      speakers
      of
      pick
      up
     
     
      trucks.
      And
      toothless
     
     
      fat
      women
      in
      jean
     
     
      jackets
      approach
      me
      in
     
     
      the
      streets
      thinking
     
     
      I’m
      some
      sort
      of
     
     
      country
      star.
      How
      can
     
     
      I
      figure
      out
      what
     
     
      happens
      to
      me
      when
      |
     
     
      have
      one
      of
      these
     
     
      spells?
     
    

    
     
      Chris
      Ganes
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Chris:
     
     
      Next
      time
      a
      fat
      woman
     
     
      accuses
      you
      of
      being
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      country
      star,
      ask
      her
      if
     
     
      she’s
      ever
      slept
      with
     
     
      you.
      I
      suspect
      that
     
     
      when
      you
      have
      a
     
     
      blackout,
      you
      try
      to
     
     
      convince
      fat
      women
     
     
      and
      truck
      driving
     
     
      hillbillies
      that
      you’re
     
     
      an
      award
      winning
     
     
      country
      singer
      in
      order
     
     
      to
      have
      your
      way
      with
     
     
      them.
      When
      you
      wake
     
     
      up
      you
      lose
      any
     
     
      recollection
      of
      the
     
     
      events
      that
      happened
     
     
      to
      you
      because
      you
      are
     
     
      embarrassed
      at
      how
     
     
      pathetic
      you
      became.
      I
     
     
      used
      to
      have
      the
      same
     
     
      problem:
      whenever
      I’d
     
     
      fall
      asleep
      I
      would
     
     
      become
      Jeff
     
     
      Foxworthy.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze:
     
    

    
     
      I
      was
      totally
      hitting
      it
     
     
      off
      with
      two
      cuties
      at
     
     
      the
      beach
      when
      my
     
     
      dad
      yelled,
      “Hey
     
     
      Martha,
      did
      you
      get
     
     
      your
      bladder
     
     
      problem
      fixed?”
      I
      was
     
     
      so
      embarrassed
      I
     
     
      almost
      pissed
      myself.
     
     
      I
      haven’t
      spoken
      to
     
     
      my
      father
      since
      then.
     
     
      Why
      did
      he
      do
      that
     
     
      too
      me?
     
    

    
     
      Martha
      Stewart
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Martha:
     
     
      Fathers
      are
      protective
     
     
      of
      their
      daughters.
     
     
      Sometimes
      they
      are
     
     
      worried
      about
      boys
     
     
      taking
      advantage
      of
     
     
      their
      little
      girls,
      and
     
     
      sometimes
      they
      are
     
     
      genuinely
      concerned
     
     
      with
      bladders.