FACT:
      According
      to
      an
      old
      wive’s
     
     
      tale,
      if
      you
      have
      eyebrows
      that
      con-
     
     
      nect
      in
      the
      middle,
      you
      will
      be
      rich.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Tf
      F-were
      rich,
      I’d
      get
      a
     
     
      curse
      word
      shaved
      into
      aie
      big
      eye-
     
     
      brow.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Shortly
      after
      the
      invention
     
     
      of
      the
      X-ray
      machine,
      con
      artists
     
     
      began
      selling
      X-ray-proof
      under-
     
     
      wear.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      It
      takes
      a
      lot
      more
      than
     
     
      X-ray-proof
      underwear
      to
      keep
     
     
      people
      from
      staring
      at
      my
      package.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1966
      pickle
      packers
      pre-
     
     
      sented
      a
      giant
      12-foot
      statue
      of
      a
     
     
      pickle
      nicknamed
      “Picklecasso”
      to
     
     
      the
      city
      of
      Chicago.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      A
      year
      later,
      a
      drunken
     
     
      Picasso
      presented
      his
      pickle
      to
      the
     
     
      city
      of
      Pictou
      while
      yelling,
      “Say
     
     
      hello
      to
      my
      little
      friend!”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1946,
      the
      first
      slinky
     
     
      was
      produced.
      Only
      400
      were
     
     
      made
      and
      sold
      out
      in
      one
      and
      a
      half
     
     
      hours
      at
      a
      department
      store
      in
      New
     
     
      York
      City.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      people
      were
      that
     
     
      impressed
      with
      something
      stupid
     
     
      that
      can
      walk
      down
      stairs,
      they’d
     
     
      love
      my
      cousin,
      Rudy.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      About
      100
      people
      die
      every
     
     
      year
      when
      their
      vehicles
      collide
     
     
      with
      animals.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      |
      once
      ran
      into
      a
     
     
      moose’s
      rear
      end.
      It
      wasn’t
      until
     
     
      then
      that
      I
      realized
      why
      that
      beer
     
     
      company
      is
      called
      Moosehead
      and
     
     
      not
      Big
      Ugly
      Ass
      of
      Moose.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1936,
      a
      car
      crashed
      in
     
     
      ‘Connecticut
      when
      the
      driver
      dis-
     
     
      covered
      a
      mouse
      on
      his
      steering
     
     
      wheel.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      |
      drive
      with
      my
      cat
      in
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      car
      to
      avoid
      any
      problems
      with
     
     
      mice,
      but
      that
      doesn’t
      solve
      my
     
     
      snake
      problem.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
     
     
      called
      Blibber
      Blubber,
      was
      a
      fail-
     
     
      ure
      because
      it
      stuck
      to
      the
      skin.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      It
      also
      failed
      because
      it
     
     
      was
      made
      out
      of
      whale
      fat.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      During
      the
      National
     
     
      Convention
      of
      the
      Democratic
     
     
      Party
      in
      1924,
      the
      chairman’s
      gavel
     
     
      came
      apart
      as
      he
      was
      using
      it
      to
     
     
      signal
      for
      order.
      The
      head
      of
      the
     
     
      gavel
      struck
      a
      delegate
      on
      the
      head
     
     
      and
      knocked
      him
      unconscious.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      At
      the
      Republican
     
     
      Convention,
      they
      just
      fire
      a
      shot-
     
     
      gun
      in
      the
      air
      three
      times
      for
      order.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      A
      shop
      called
      Deja
      Vu
      in
     
     
      Troy,
      New
      York
      was
     
     
      robbed
      twice
      by
      the
     
     
      same
      man.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      A
      shop
     
     
      called
      Deja
      Vu
      in
     
     
      Troy,
      New
      York
      was
     
     
      robbed
      twice
      by
      the
     
     
      same
      man.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1993,
      a
      burglar
      at
      a
      glue
     
    
   
   
    
     
      factory
      in
      Brazil
      was
      caught
      after
     
     
      he
      got
      stuck
      to
      the
      floor.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      same
      thing
      hap-
     
     
      pened
      to
      that
      guy
      who
      tried
      to
      rob
      a
     
     
      porno
      theater.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1965,
      two
      men
      in
     
     
      Cleveland
      ended
      up
      firing
      hand-
     
     
      guns
      at
      each
      other
      during
      an
      argu-
     
     
      ment
      over
      an
      unpaid
      bill.
      One
      of
     
     
      the
      bullets
      from
      one
      gun
      traveled
     
     
      directly
      inside
      the
      barrel
      of
      the
     
     
      other
      gun,
      and
      the
      bullets
      fused
     
     
      together.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      That’s
      just
      stupid.
      I
     
     
      would
      have
      aimed
      for
      the
      other
     
     
      guy’s
      gonads
      before
      trying
      a
      tricky
     
     
      shot
      like
      that.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      first
      bubble
      gum,
      —
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Contented
      cows
      give
      more
      ~
     
     
      milk.
      :
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      I
      was
      a
      cow,
      the
      only
     
     
      way
      I
      would
      be
      content
      is
      if
      people
     
     
      stopped
      grabbing
      at
      my
      tits.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      a
      herd,
      some
      cows
      are
     
     
      more
      popular
      than
      others.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Cows
      Ice
      Cream
      is
     
     
      popular
      because
      they
      found
      a
      way
     
     
      to
      sell
      people
      frozen
      cow
      sweat
      on
     
     
      a
      cone
      at
      the
      low,
      low
      price
      of
      five
     
     
      bucks.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Some
      cows
      dunk
      their
      hay
     
     
      in
      water
      before
      eating
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Others
      just
      rub
      it
      in
     
     
      their
      own
      filth,
      like
      at
      Cows
      Ice
     
     
      Cream,
      home
      of
      the
      fifty
      oe
     
     
      milk
      shake.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      On
      a
      British
     
     
      golf
      course
      in
      1995,
     
     
      a
      golf
      ball
      hit
      off
      a
     
     
      tree,
      struck
      a
      sheep
     
     
      in
      the
      rear
      end
      and
     
     
      stuck.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      I
      was
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      sheep,
      I’d
      rather
      have
      a
      golf
      ball
     
    
   
   
    
     
      stuck
      in
      my
      arse
      than
      a
      member
      of
     
     
      the
      Royal
      Family.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Austria
      was
      killed
      when
      a
      bolt
      of
     
     
      lightning
      struck
      the
      reinforcing
     
     
      wire
      in
      her
      bra.
      :
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Just
      to
      be
      safe,
      I
      think
     
     
      women
      should
      stop
      wearing
      under-
     
     
      garments
      and
      overgarments.
      -
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      7.5
      million
      toothpicks
      can
     
     
      be
      made
      from
      one
      cord
      of
      wood.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      I
      got
      wooden
      teeth,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      would
      I
      need
      to
      use
      a
      tooth
      pick
     
    
   
   
    
     
      made
      out
      of
      real
      teeth?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Modern
      lumbering
      can
      cut
     
     
      and
      strip
      a
      tree
      in
      less
      than
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~
      minute.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      You’d
      be
      surprised
     
     
      how
      many
      squirrels
      lose
      their
     
     
      limbs
      thanks
      to
      modern
      ne:
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      At
      aes
      one
      Fieptint
      has
     
     
      been.trained
      to
      water-ski.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Most
      elephants
      are
      too
     
     
      modest
      to
      wear
      wet
      suits.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      elephant
      can
      sneeze
     
     
      with
      enough
      force
      to
      knock
      a-dog
     
     
      unconscious.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      When
      an
      elephant
     
     
      farts,
      nobody
      is
      safe.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Four-wheel-drive
      vehicles
     
    
   
   
    
     
      are
      gradually
      replacing
      camels
      for
     
     
      z
      Rtarsporaiamige
      he
      desert.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      A
      vehicle
      may
      get
      you
     
     
      from
      point
      A
      to
      point
      B,
      but
      a
     
     
      camel
      is
      the
      only
      form
      of
      trans-
     
     
      portation
      you
      can
      cuddle.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      Egypt,
      camels
      have
      been
     
     
      taught
      to
      clean
      windows
      by
      licking
     
     
      them.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      once
      tried
      to
      clean
     
     
      my
      windows
      by
      downing
      a
      bottle
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ___
      of
      windex
      and
      licking
      the.
      glass,
      but
     
     
      -
      my
      tongue
      got
      cut
      becatise
      I
      forgot
     
     
      :
      FACT:
      In
      1995,
      a
      woman
      in.
      #
     
    
   
   
    
     
      to
      remove
      the
      Screen.
      ©
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      cost
      of
      funerals
      is
     
     
      increasing
      faster
      than
      the
      rate
      ie
     
     
      tion
     
    
   
   
    
     
      OPINION:
      Inflation?
      No
      wonder
     
     
      funerals
      are
      so
      expensive,
      with
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      nip
      gost
      of
      balloons
      and
      all.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
     
     
      FACT:
      :
      They
      now
      make
      oeecee
     
     
      pic
      Coffins
      diss
     
     
      OPINION:
      I
      don’t
      want
      no
     
    
   
   
    
     
      biodegradable
      coffin.
      When
      I
      die,
      |
     
     
      plan
      on
      doing
      as
      much
      damage
      to
     
     
      this
      planet
      as
      I
      can.
      It
      won’t
      be
      my
     
     
      problem
      anymore.