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      wei
     
     
      ‘Tas
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      )
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Trent
      Drake
     
    
   
   
    
     
      This
      Week:
     
     
      Krull
     
    
   
   
    
     
      or
      those
      of
      you
      just
      reading
      this
      column
     
     
      F
      forthe
      first
      time,
      greeting
      and
      salivations
     
     
      (slurp.)!
      For
      those
      of
      you
      who
      are
      both
     
     
      ¢gular
      readers
      of
      the
      X-Press
      and
      fans
      of
      this
     
     
      ‘olumn,
      welcome
      back!
     
     
      We’ll
      get
      to
      the
      review
      in
      a
      moment.
     
     
      But
      first,
      for
      the
      benefit
      of
      new
      readers
      (or
     
     
      ‘nyone
      who
      missed
      it
      the
      first
      time
      around),
      I’d
     
     
      ike
      to
      explain
      what
      I’m
      doing
      here.
     
     
      Thiscolumnisreserved
      strictly
      for
      grade
     
     
      movies,
      Movies
      so
      obscure
      the
      CBC
      can’t
      air
     
     
      hem.
      Movies
      so
      intensely
      dumb
      the
      rain
      man
     
     
      ould
      understand
      them.
      Movies
      filmed
      on
      the
     
     
      *ckends
      in
      vacant
      lots
      or
      out-of-the-way
      mead-
     
     
      Ws
      with
      cardboard
      sets.
      Movies
      with
      such
     
     
      nall
      budgets
      that
      the
      actors
      packed
      their
      own
     
     
      Ps:
      In
      short,
      movies
      that
      are
      really,
      really
     
     
      Why
      review
      such
      mind
      rot?
      The
      phi-
     
     
      “phy
      is
      this:
      Out
      there,
      buried
      on
      the
      back
     
     
      ‘ks
      of
      our
      teeming
      metropolis’
      video
      stores,
     
     
      ‘
      treasure
      of
      hilarity
      and
      absurdity.
      The
     
     
      .
      Ose
      of
      this
      column
      is
      to
      bring
      some
      of
      those
     
     
      :
      a
      into
      thé
      spotlight
      one
      last
      time
      before
     
     
      Y
      Vanish
      forever,
      doomed
      to
      run
      forever
      on
     
     
      ;
      TV
      late
      movie.
      I
      believe
      that
      we
      have
      a
     
     
      re
      tbility
      to
      the
      art
      community
      to
      keep
     
     
      3
      Wonderfully
      awful
      pieces
      of
      cinematic
     
     
      nity
      alive,
      so
      future
      generations
      can
      watch
     
    
   
   
    
     
      oO
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      them
      and
      laugh.
     
    

    
     
      To
      sum
      up,
      I
      review
      b
      movies
      because
     
     
      they
      are,
      for
      the
      most
      part,
      hilarious.
      Few
      things
     
     
      are
      more
      rewarding,
      for
      me
      anyway,
      than
      taking
     
     
      a
      chance
      on
      a
      video
      rental
      and
      being
      treated
      to
     
     
      some
      asinine
      dialogue
      or
      a
      ridiculous
      plot.
      Like
     
     
      the
      Three
      Stooges,
      these
      movies
      prove
      that
     
     
      stupidity
      is
      not
      just
      funny,
      but
      addictive.
     
    

    
     
      Still
      with
      me?
      Good.
      This
      week,
      we’re
     
     
      going
      to
      take
      a
      loving
      look
      at
      a
      classic
      amongst
     
     
      b
      movies.
      Picture
      a
      world
      where
      magic
      is
      real,
     
     
      where
      an
      omnipotent
      Beast
      enslaves
      whole
     
     
      galaxies,
      where
      beautiful
      landscapes
      are
      popu-
     
     
      lated
      by
      fascinating
      oracles
      and
      sages.
      A
      planet
     
     
      where
      the
      magic
      of
      love
      (awwww...)
      can
      defeat
     
     
      the
      darkest
      evil
      a
      world
      can
      ever
      know.
      A
      world
     
     
      where
      every
      man,
      woman
      and
      hideous
      Beast
      is
     
     
      really
      stupid.
      This
      is
      the
      world
      of
      Krull,
      given
     
     
      life
      in
      a
      movie
      by
      that
      same
      name.
      It
      is
      the
     
     
      subject
      of
      this
      week’s
      review.
     
    

    
     
      Krull
      (Columbia
      Pictures,
      1983...
      Hey,
     
     
      the
      same
      time
      Yor
      came
      out!)
      has
      almost
      every-
     
     
      thing
      a
      stunning
      fantasy
      classic
      like,
      say,
      Star
     
     
      Wars,
      should
      have.
      It
      has
      wondrous
      sets,
      soar-
     
     
      ingly
      beautiful
      panoramas
      of
      indescribable
      gran-
     
     
      deur.
      It
      has
      spectacular,
      state-of-the-art
      (for
     
     
      1983)
      special
      effects,
      with
      realistic
      stop-mo-
     
     
      tion
      monsters
      and
      some
      great
      laser
      battles.
      The
     
     
      cinematography
      is
      lovingly
      done,
      transporting
     
     
      the
      viewer
      into
      the
      heart
      of
      Krull.
      You
      can
      see
     
     
      the
      attention
      to
      detail
      in
      every
      shot:
      The
      symbol
     
     
      of
      the
      Glaive
      is
      worked
      into
      the
      architecture
      of
     
     
      the
      sets,
      the
      insectile
      Slayers’
      costumes
      are
      very
     
     
      good,
      and
      the
      camera
      gets
      into
      some
      places
      you
     
     
      wouldn’t
      believe.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Plot-wise,
      Krull
      has
      all
      the
      makings
      of
     
     
      an
      enduritig
      pop-culture
      legend.
      It
      has
      a
      brave,
     
     
      strong,
      charismatic,
      handsome
      prince;
      a
      beauti-
     
     
      ful,
      wise,
      devoted,
      refined
      princess
      in
      peril;
      a
     
     
      hideous,
      power-hungry,
      near-omnipotent
      vil-
     
     
      lain;
      mysterious,
      enigmatic,
      and
      highly
      original
     
     
      mentors
      and
      sages;
      and
      various
      oddball
      sup-
     
     
      porting
      characters
      to
      provide
      comic
      relief.
      It
      has
     
     
      a
      unique
      and
      beautifully
      crafted
      weapon
      that
     
     
      only
      the
      hero
      can
      handle,
      and
      a
      unique
      form
      of
     
     
      transportation
      to
      keep
      things
      moving.
      Every-
     
     
      thing
      a
      fantasy
      needs
      to
      make
      a
      killing
      selling
     
     
      action
      figures,
      except
      for
      one
      important
      ele-
     
     
      ment:
      a
      plot.
     
    

    
     
      The
      storyline
      for
      Krull
      could
      have
      been
     
     
      ripped,
      whole
      and
      beating,
      from
      a
      Nintendo
     
     
      game.
      The
      prince
      Colwyn
      (played
      by
      Ken
     
     
      Marshall)
      and
      his
      bride
      Lessa
      (Lysette
      Anthony)
     
     
      are
      to
      marry
      in
      order
      to
      unite
      their
      warring
     
     
      kingdoms
      against
      a
      menace
      from
      another
      world
     
     
      (the
      aforementioned
      Beast)
      whose
      armies
      roam
     
     
      the
      countryside.
      But
      just
      as
      the
      marriage
      cer-
     
     
      emony
      is
      about
      to
      be
      completed,
      BOOM!
      The
     
     
      Slayers
      (the
      Beast’s
      army)
      attack
      and
      kidnap
     
     
      the
      princess.
      What
      a
      surprise!
      The
      attack
      leaves
     
     
      only
      Colwyn
      left
      alive
      to
      rescue
      his
      screaming
     
     
      bride.
      Strike
      up
      the
      band
      and
      play
      the
      Zelda
     
     
      theme!
     
    

    
     
      In
      order
      save
      the
      princess,
      you
      must
     
     
      climb
      a
      treacherous
      mountain
      and
      find
      an
      an-
     
     
      cient
      weapon
      called
      the
      Glaive.
      Dodge
      rocks
     
     
      and
      eagle
      poop
      until
      you
      find
      the
      cavern
      and
     
     
      retrieve
      the
      weapon.
     
    

    
     
      Even
      with
      the
      Glaive,
      you
      can’t
      beat
      the
     
     
      Beast
      if
      you
      can’t
      find
      his
      house.
      And
      since
      said
     
     
      house
      moves
      to
      a
      new
      location
      every
      day
      at
     
     
      sunrise,
      you’1l
      need
      a
      lot
      of
      luck
      to
      find
      it.
      So
      the
     
     
      next
      step,
      of
      course,
      is
      to
      visit
      the
      Emerald
      Seer
     
     
      and
      pick
      up
      some
      allies
      along
      the
      way.
      He
      will
     
     
      tell
      you
      where
      to
      find
      the
      Palace
      Of
      The
      Beast.
     
     
      But
      just
      before
      he
      tells
      you
      where
      to
      go,
      the
     
     
      Beast
      shatters
      the
      vision.
      So
      it’s
      off
      to
      the
     
     
      Emerald
      Temple,
      where
      the
      Beast
      can’t
      see
      you.
     
     
      But
      the
      Seer
      gets
      his
      fool
      self
      killed
      just
      as
      you
     
     
      reach
      the
      temple,
      so
      you
      must
      seek
      the
      cavern
      of
     
     
      the
      Widow
      Of
      The
      Web.
      To
      win
      an
      audience
     
     
      with
      her,
      you
      must
      find
      her
      true
      name...
      ask
      a
     
     
      member
      of
      your
      party
      for
      further
      information.
     
     
      Then
      cross
      a
      dangerous
      web
      and
      dodge
      a
      hide-
     
     
      ous
      Crystal
      Spider
      to
      get
      to
      the
      Widow.
      She
      tells
     
     
      you
      that
      the
      palace
      will
      move
      to
      the
      desert
      come
     
     
      morning.
     
    

    
     
      But
      in
      order
      to
      cross
      the
      desert
      and
      reach
     
     
      the
      palace
      on
      time,
      you
      must
      locate
      the
      Fire
     
     
      Mares.
      Then
      you
      reach
      the
      palace
      and
      fight
     
     
      hordes
      of
      Slayers
      before
      the
      final
      showdown
     
     
      with
      the
      Beast.
      Win,
      and
      you
      get
      a
      stunning
     
     
      ending
      sequence
      and
      are
      allowed
      to
      enter
      your
     
     
      initials
      on
      the
      high
      score
      board.
     
    

    
     
      But
      it’s
      not
      all
      bad.
      I
      really
      loved
      this
     
     
      movie,
      partly
      for
      the
      great
      stuff,
      like
      the
      sets
      and
     
     
      the
      soundtrack,
      and
      partly
      for
      the
      schlock,
      such
     
     
      as
      the
      lame
      plot
      and
      the
      stupidity
      of
      some
      of
      the
     
     
      characters.
      Colwyn,
      who’s
      supposed
      to
      be
      no-
     
     
      ble
      and
      charismatic,
      comes
      off
      as
      a
      complete
     
     
      innocent.
      His
      bare-faced
      wonder
      at
      all
      the
      weird-
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -..continued
      on
      page
      9
     
    
   
   
    
     
      7