Cool
      Love
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      CB
      is
      back,
      and
      boy
     
     
      am
      I
      itchy.
      I
      was
      away
     
     
      for
      the
      past
      couple
      of
     
     
      weeks
      doing
     
     
      “research”
      for
      a
      letter
     
     
      I
      received
      about
      bath
     
     
      houses.
      This
      week
      the
     
     
      letters
      seem
      to
      have
      a
     
     
      running
      theme:
      people
     
     
      asking
      the
      Love
     
     
      Doctor
      for
      advice.
     
     
      And
      I’ve
      got
      bags
      full
     
     
      of
      helpful
      hints
      for
      all
     
     
      you
      perverts
      on
     
     
      campus.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze
     
    

    
     
      My
      boyfriend
      is
      a
      real
     
     
      gentleman.
      He
      opens
     
     
      doors
      for
      me,
      buys
      me
     
    
   
   
    
     
      flowers,
      and
     
     
      compliments
      my
     
    
   
   
    
     
      appearance.
      But
      it
     
     
      seems
      weird
      when
      he
     
     
      gives
      me
      money
      after
     
     
      sex.
      Is
      there
     
     
      something
      wrong
      with
     
     
      me?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Moneybags
      Melanie
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Moneybags
     
     
      There
      is
      something
     
     
      wrong
      with
      you.
      You
     
     
      should
      be
      getting
      your
     
     
      money
      before
      the
      sex,
     
     
      not
      after.
      Your
     
     
      boyfriend
      might
      rip
     
     
      you
      off
      otherwise.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze
     
     
      I
      was
      desperate
      for
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      I.l.
      cool
      breeze
     
    
   
   
    
     
      man
      until
      one
      of
      my
     
     
      friends
      told
      me
      about
      a
     
     
      program
      that
      allows
     
     
      single
      women
      to
      meet
     
     
      men
      in
      prisons.
      Well
      I
     
     
      started
      writing
      letters
     
     
      to
      a
      guy
      in
      Cell
      Block
     
     
      Two
      and
      we
      really
      had
     
     
      a
      lot
      in
      common.
      I’m
      a
     
     
      teacher
      and
      I
      work
     
     
      with
      children,
      he’s
      in
     
     
      jail
      for
      selling
      drugs
      to
     
     
      children.
      He’s
      up
      for
     
     
      parole
      soon,
      and
      I
     
     
      hope
      to
      meet
      him
     
     
      when
      he
      gets
      out,
      but
     
     
      he
      is
      already
      involved
     
     
      in
      a
      relationship.
      His
     
     
      cellmate,
      Steve,
      made
     
     
      him
      his
      “bitch”
      and
     
     
      doesn’t
      want
      him
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      see
      anyone
      else
      when
     
     
      he
      gets
      out.
      How
      on
     
    
   
   
    
     
      earth
      can
      I
      compete
     
     
      with
      a
      convicted
      rapist
     
     
      to
      win
      the
      heart
      of
      the
     
     
      drug
      dealer
      of
      my
     
     
      dreams?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Down
      by
      Law
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      Dear
      Down
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Prison
      sex
      is
      better
     
     
      than
      anything
      you
      can
     
     
      offer
      your
      felon.
      But
      if
     
     
      he
      does
      get
      out,
      try
     
     
      and
      set
      the
      mood
      by
     
     
      giving
      him
      a
      carton
      of
     
     
      smokes.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze
     
     
      I’m
      a
      construction
     
     
      worker
      and
      I
      can’t
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      help
      but
      whistle
      at
      the
     
     
      pretty
      women
      who
     
     
      walk
      by
      the
      site.
      They
     
     
      assume
      that
      I’m
      some
     
     
      kind
      of
      pig,
      but
      I’m
     
     
      really
      a
      sensitive
      guy.
     
     
      I
      only
      whistle
      because
     
     
      whenever
      I
      try
      talking
     
     
      to
      a
      girl
      I
      end
      up
     
     
      saying
      stupid
      stuff
     
     
      like,
      “Oh
      my
      God,
      are
     
     
      those
      real?”
      or
      “Nice
     
     
      ass,
      want
      to
      park
      it
      in
     
     
      my
      driveway?”
      or
     
    
   
   
    
     
      me
      harder
      than
     
     
      Chinese
      algebra.”
     
     
      Whistling
      allows
      me
     
     
      to
      communicate
      by
     
     
      making
      less
      of
      an
      ass
     
     
      of
      myself.
      Is
      there
      any
     
     
      other
      way
      I
      can
      let
      a
     
     
      girl
      know
      I
      want
      to
     
     
      make
      a
      commitment?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Whistling
      Willy
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Willy
     
     
      Have
      you
      considered
     
     
      writing
      down
      what
     
     
      you
      want
      to
      tell
      the
     
     
      ladies
      or
      using
     
     
      pictures?
      If
      you
      spray
     
     
      paint
      messages
      of
      your
     
     
      love
      on
      the
      side
      of
      her
     
     
      building
      she
      will
      have
     
     
      no
      choice
      but
      to
      fall
     
     
      for
      you.
      I
      once
      liked
      a
     
     
      girl
      and
      I
      wrote
     
     
      “Metallica
      Rules”
      on
     
     
      an
      office
      building
      near
     
     
      her
      work.
      After
      the
     
     
      paint
      dried
      she
      got
     
     
      busy
      with
      Breeze.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze
     
    

    
     
      I
      was
      talking
      to
      a
     
     
      friend
      at
      a
      party
      when
     
     
      my
      secret
      crush
      came
     
     
      up
      to
      us
      and
      asked,
     
     
      “Would
      you
      like
      to
     
     
      dance?”
      |
     
    

    
     
      immediately
      started
      to
     
     
      bump
      and
      grind
      with
     
     
      my
      crush
      to
      the
      music
     
     
      when
      he
      pushed
      me
     
     
      away
      and
      said,
      “I
      was
     
     
      talking
      to
      your
      friend.”
     
     
      I
      was
      mortified,
      and
      I
     
     
      haven’t
      spoken
      to
      my
     
     
      friend
      ever
      since.
      How
     
     
      could
      she
      do
      this
      to
     
     
      me?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dancing
      With
      Myself
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Dancing
     
    

    
     
      In
      some
      cultures
      you
     
     
      would
      have
      the
      legal
     
     
      right
      to
      kill
      your
      friend
     
     
      for
      stealing
      your
     
     
      crush,
      but
      this
     
    

    
     
      culture
      is
      too
      rigid
      and
     
     
      backwards.
      You
     
     
      should
      invite
      your
     
     
      friend
      to
      New
     
    

    
     
      Orleans
      for
      a
      weekend
     
     
      and
      then
      plot
      her
     
     
      death.
      According
      to
     
     
      the
      hit
      film,
      Double
     
     
      Jeopardy,
      you
      could
     
     
      shoot
      her
      in
      the
     
     
      middle
      of
     
    

    
     
      Mardigras
      and
      there
      is
     
     
      nothing
      anyone
      could
     
     
      do
      about
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Guilty
      Parties:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      bruyreel‘editerinchief
     
     
      walker:
      preductien
     
     
      haines:
      managingediter
     
     
      christie‘graphic
      design
     
     
      e'cenner:
      akeediter
     
     
      macdenald:spertsediter
     
     
      muir‘
      advertisingmgr
     
     
      murphy‘news
      editer
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      them
      te:
     
    
   
   
    
     
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