Fact
      and
      Opinion.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      ©
      There-
      <are
      <now’:
      about
     
     
      25,000,000
      million
      people
      of
      Scottish
     
     
      lineage
      living
      abroad,
      compared
      with
     
     
      only
      5,000,000
      in
      Scotland
      itself.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
     
     
      they
      live,
      the
      Scottish
      sure
      can
      toss
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It
      doesn’t
      matter
      where
     
     
      mean
      caber.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      largest
      ship
      ever
      built
      in
     
     
      Scotland
      is
      the
      Q.E.2.
      John
      Brown
     
     
      Shipyard
      of
      Clydebank
      built
      it
      and
     
     
      was
      launched
      by
      Queen
      Elizabeth
      on
     
     
      September
      20th,
      1967.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      It
      was
      named
      after
      the
      hos-
     
     
      pital
      in
      Charlottetown.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Haggis
      is
      traditionally
      made
     
     
      from
      minced
      sheep’s
      intestines,
      beef
     
     
      suet,
      oatmeal,
      onion,
      cayenne
      pepper
     
     
      and
      nutmeg,
      stuffed
      into
      a
      sheep’s
     
     
      stomach
      and
      boiled
      for
      three
      hours.
     
     
      Fortunately,
      haggis
      can
      now
      be
      bought
     
     
      in
      the
      supermarket.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      What
      kind
      of
     
     
      deranged
      culture
      could
      eat
      nutmeg?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sick
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      common
      American
      usage
     
     
      of
      the
      word
      plaid
      to
      mean
      a
      tartan
      pat-
     
     
      tern
      seems
      to
      have
      developed
      from
      a
     
     
      misunderstanding
      -
      in
      Gaelic
      plaid
     
     
      simply
      means
      blanket.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      And
      bagpipe
      actually
     
     
      means
      bagged
      instrument
      with
      pipe
     
     
      things
      sticking
      out
      of
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      oldest
      known
      recorded
     
     
      sighting
      of
      the
      Loch
      Ness
      Monster
     
     
      was
      made
      by
      the
      7th
      century
      monk
     
     
      Adamnan
      in
      his
      biography
      of
      the
     
     
      Christian
      missionary
      St
      Columba.
     
     
      Adamnan
      wrote
      that
      Columba
      sub-
     
     
      dued
      the
      beast
      when
      it
      attacked
      his
     
     
      followers.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      How
      the
      fuck
      does
      a
     
     
      Christian
      missionary
      subdue
      the
      Loch
     
     
      Ness
      Monster?
      There’s
      no
      examples
     
     
      of
      Jesus
      taming
      any
      dinosaurs
      in
      the
     
     
      bible.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [18]
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Stephan
      MacLEOD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      In
      1941
      an
      Italian
      newspaper
     
     
      reported
      that
      the
      wartime
      bombing
      of
     
     
      Scotland
      had
      succeeded
      in
      killing
      the
     
     
      Loch
      Ness
      Monster.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      only
      way
      to
      get
      the
     
     
      public’s
      sympathy
      when
      a
      bunch
      of
     
     
      Scottish
      people
      are
      killed
      is
      to
      report
     
     
      on
      the
      condition
      of
      their
      imaginary
     
     
      monster.
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Traditionally
      porridge
      is
     
     
      served
      in
      one
      bowl,
      with
      cold
      milk
      in
     
     
      another.
      Each
      spoonful
      of
      porridge
      is
     
     
      dipped
      into
      the
      milk
      before
      it
      is
      eaten
     
     
      -
      but
      on
      no
      account
      should
      any
      sugar
     
     
      be
      added.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      The
      Scots
      do
      NOT
      like
      any
     
     
      sort
      of
      flavour
      in
      their
      meals
      unless
      it
     
     
      comes
      from
      a
      disemboweled
      animal.
     
     
      Yum.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      buttons
      on
      the
      sleeves
      of
     
     
      traditional
      Highland
      dress
      have
      their
     
     
      origins
      in
      the
      British
      army
      -
      they
      were
     
     
      introduced
      to
      stop
      soldiers
      wiping
     
     
      their
      noses
      on
      their
      sleeves.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      I
      wish
      Kleenex
      would
     
     
      come
      with
      buttons
      on
      the
      tissues
      so
     
     
      people
      would
      stop
      wiping
      their
      nose
     
     
      with
      it.
      That’s
      so
      disgusting.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      It
      is
      considered
      lucky
      in
     
     
      Scotland
      if
      your
      first
      visitor
      on
      New
     
     
      Year’s
      Day
      is
      a
      tall,
      dark
      man
      bearing
     
     
      a
      gift
      of
      shortbread,
      a
      black
      bun
      -
      or
      a
     
     
      lump
      of
      coal.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      any
      short
      visitors
      arrive
     
     
      on
      your
      doorstep,
      shoot
      them
      immedi-
     
     
      ately.
      They
      have
      evil,
      short
      powers.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      According
      to
      recent
      surveys
     
     
      most
      British
      people
      consider
      the
     
     
      Scottish
      accent
      to
      be
      the
      most
      trust-
     
     
      worthy,
      and
      Sean
      Connery’s
      voice
      to
     
     
      be
      the
      most
      trustworthy
      of
      all.
     
     
      OPINION:
      The
      least
      trustworthy
     
     
      voice
      is
      Billy
      Joel’s.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      One
      of
      the
      more
      unusual
      theo-
     
     
      ries
      on
      the
      origin
      of
      the
      term
      ‘Scot’
      is
     
     
      that
      it
      is
      derived
      from
      the
      name
      of
     
     
      Scota,
      an
      Egyptian
      princess
      who
     
     
      brought
      the
      Stone
      of
      Destiny
      across
      to
     
     
      Scotland.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      the
      Scots
      were
      named
     
     
      after
      an
      Egyptian
      princess
      it
      totally
     
     
      makes
      sense
      that
      they
      all
      wear
      dresses.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      An
      alternative
      claim
      states
      that
     
     
      the
      word
      Scot
      originates
      from
      the
     
     
      Latin
      word
      for
      pirates.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      If
      the
      Scots
      were
      named
     
     
      after
      pirates,
      it
      totally
      makes
      sense
     
     
      that
      they
      wear
      eye
      patches,
      have
      pet
     
     
      parrots,
      and
      are
      cheap
      greedy
      little
     
     
      fucks.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Scotland
      has
      produced
      some
     
     
      remarkable
      inventors,
      including
      John
     
     
      Logie
      Baird,
      Alexander
      Graham
      Bell,
     
     
      James
      Watt
      and
      Charles
      Macintosh.
     
     
      OPINION:
      Just
      wait,
      man.
      Some
     
     
      Scottish
      guy
      is
      totally
      going
      to
      invent
     
     
      a
      robot
      that
      can
      breakdance.
      It’ll
      hap-
     
     
      pen.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      Scotland
      also
      produced
      “the
     
     
      world’s
      worst
       poet”—wWilliam
     
     
      McGonagall
      (c.1830-1902).
     
     
      McGonagall’s
      poems
      are
      now
      cele-
     
     
      brated
      throughout
      the
      world
      for
      their
     
     
      poor
      rhyming
      schemes,
     
     
      metaphors
      and
      outright
      banality.
     
     
      OPINION:
      He
      once
      wrote
      a
      poem
     
     
      comparing
      a
      girl’s
      hair
      to
      the
      colour
      of
     
     
      oatmeal.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FACT:
      The
      first
      King
      of
      a
      united
     
     
      Scotland
      is
      widely
      held
      to
      have
      been
     
     
      Kenneth
      MacAlpin,
      who
      united
      the
     
     
      Scots
      and
      Picts
      to
      become
      King
      of
     
     
      Scotland
      (as
      we
      know
      it)
      in
      843
      AD.
     
    

    
     
      OPINION:
      MacAlpin
      was
      also
      the
     
     
      first
      king
      to
      unite
      a
      Scotsman
      with
      a
     
     
      sheep.
      It
      was
      a
      beautiful
      wedding
      cer-
     
     
      emony.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      weak
      —
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Goat
      eed
      A
     
    
   
   
    
     
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