UPEI
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      M.A.P.U.S.
      Connection
     
    
   
   
    
     
      For
      Mature
      and
      Part-time
      Students
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      JANICE
      MUIR
     
    
   
   
    
     
      What’s
      ahead
      for
      Mapus?
     
     
      This
      year
      promises
      to
      be
      even
     
     
      busier
      as
      members
      begin
      plan-
     
     
      ning
      for
      the
      future.
      The
      UPEI
     
     
      Winter
      Carnival
      is
      scheduled
     
     
      for
      February
      8-13
      and
      some
     
     
      mature
      and
      part-time
      students
     
     
      are
      eager
      to
      take
      part.
      How
     
     
      about
      it?
      If
      snow
      sculpturing
      is
     
     
      not
      your
      specialty,
      what
      about
     
     
      enteri
      ng
      the
      winter
      carnival
      trivia
     
     
      contest?
      If
      you
      have
      any
      sug-
     
     
      gestions,
      we
      would
      love
      to
      hear
     
     
      them
      in
      the
      Mapus
      Lounge
     
     
      (Robertson
      Library
      06).
     
    

    
     
      A
      new
      schedule
      will
      be
     
     
      posted
      in
      the
      lounge
      shortly,
     
     
      outlining
      the
      meeting
      dates
      for
     
     
      executive
      meetings.
      This
      is
     
     
      when
      Mapus
      representatives
     
     
      take
      time
      to
      plan
      future
      events
     
     
      and
      address
      the
      concerns
      of
     
     
      mature
      and
      part-time
      students
     
     
      on
      campus.
      There
      are
      also
      a
     
     
      number
      of
      information
      pam-
     
     
      phiets
      and
      brochures
      that
      may
     
     
      be
      of
      interest
      to
      you.
      Please
     
     
      drop
      by
      when
      you
      get
      a
      chance.
     
    

    
     
      The
      quote
      this
      week
     
     
      comes
      from
      Benjamin
      Franklin,
     
     
      who
      says
      that
      “an
      investment
      in
     
     
      knowledge
      always
      pays
      the
      best
     
     
      interest”
     
    

    
     
      And
      the
      laugh-a-lot
      site,
     
     
      once
      again,
      is
      responsible
      for
     
     
      providing
      us
      with
      the
      following
     
     
      ‘Preparation
      for
      Parenthood”
     
     
      tips.
      The
      original
      source
      is
      un-
     
     
      known.
      Hope
      you
      enjoy
      it!
     
    

    
     
      Preparation
      for
      parent-
     
     
      hood
      is
      not
      just
      a
      matter
      of
     
     
      reading
      books
      and
      decorating
     
     
      the
      nursery.
      Here
      are
      12
      simple
     
     
      tests
      for
      expectant
      parents
      to
     
     
      take
      to
      prepare
      themselves
      for
     
     
      the
      real
      life
      experience
      of
      being
     
     
      a
      mother
      or
      father.
     
    

    
     
      Women:
      To
      prepare
      for
     
     
      maternity,
      put
      on
      a
      dressing
     
     
      gown
      and
      stick
      a
      bean
      bag
      chair
     
     
      down
      the
      front.
      Leave
      it
      there
     
     
      for
      nine
      months.
      After
      nine
     
     
      months,
      remove
      10%
      of
      the
     
     
      beans.
     
    

    
     
      Men:
      To
      prepare
      for
      pa-
     
     
      ternity,
      go
      to
      the
      local
      drug
     
     
      store,
      tip
      the
      contents
      of
      your
     
     
      wallet
      on
      the
      counter,
      and
      tell
     
     
      the
      pharmacist
      to
      help
      himself.
     
     
      Then
      go
      to
      the
      supermarket.
     
     
      Arrange
      to
      have
      your
      ae
     
    

    
     
      aid
      directly
      to
      their
      head
      of-
     
     
      ie.
      Go
      home.
      Pick
      up
      the
     
     
      paper
      and
      read
      it
      for
      the
      last
     
     
      time.
     
    

    
     
      Before
      you
      nally
      go
     
     
      ahead
      and
      have
      children,
      find
      a
     
     
      couple
      who
      are
      already
      parents
     
    
   
   
    
     
      and
      berate
      them
      about
      their
     
     
      methods
      of
      discipline,
      lack
      of
     
     
      patience,
      appallingly
      low
      toler-
     
     
      ance
      levels,
      and
      how
      they
      have
     
     
      allowed
      their
      children
      to
      run
     
     
      riot.
      Suggest
      ways
      in
      which
     
     
      they
      might
      improve
      their
      child’s
     
     
      sleeping
      habits,
      toilet
      training,
     
     
      table
      manners,
      and
      overall
      be-
     
     
      haviour.
      Enjoy
      it
      —
      it’s
      the
      last
     
     
      time
      in
      your
      life
      that
      you
      will
     
     
      have
      all
      of
      the
      answers.
     
    

    
     
      To
      discover
      how
      the
     
     
      nights
      feel,
      walk
      around
      the
     
     
      living
      room
      from
      5pm
      till
      10pm
     
     
      carrying
      a
      wet
      bag
      weighing
     
     
      approximately
      8-12
      pounds.
      At
     
     
      10
      pm
      put
      the
      bag
      down,
      set
      the
     
     
      alarm
      for
      midnight
      and
      go
      to
     
     
      sleep.
      Get
      up
      at
      12am
      and
      walk
     
     
      around
      the
      living
      room
      again
     
     
      with
      the
      bag,
      until
      lam.
      Put
      the
     
     
      alarm
      on
      for
      3am.
      As
      you
      can’t
     
     
      go
      back
      to
      sleep,
      get
      up
      at
      2am
     
     
      and
      make
      a
      drink.
      Go
      to
      bed
      at
     
     
      2:45
      am.
      Get
      up
      again
      at
      3
      am
     
     
      when
      the
      alarm
      goes
      off.
      Sing
     
     
      songs
      in
      the
      dark
      till
      4am.
      Put
     
     
      the
      alarm
      on
      for
      Sam.
      Get
      up.
     
     
      Make
      breakfast.
      Keep
      this
      up
     
     
      for
      5
      years.
      Look
      cheerful.
     
    

    
     
      Can
      you
      stand
      the
      mess
     
     
      children
      make?
      To
      find
      out,
     
     
      smear
      peanut
      butter
      on
      the
      sofa
     
     
      and
      jam
      onto
      the
      curtains.
      Hide
     
     
      a
      fish
      stick
      behind
      the
      stereo
     
     
      and
      leave
      it
      there
      all
      summer.
     
     
      Stick
      your
      fingers
      in
      the
      flower
     
     
      beds,
      then
      rub
      them
      on
      the
     
     
      clean
      walls.
      Cover
      the
      stains
     
     
      with
      crayons.
      There,
      how
      does
     
     
      that
      look?
     
    

    
     
      Dressing
      small
      children
      is
     
     
      not
      as
      easy
      as
      it
      seems.
      First
     
     
      buy
      an
      octopus
      and
      a
      string
     
     
      bag.
      Attempt
      to
      put
      the
      octopus
     
     
      into
      the
      string
      bag
      so
      that
      none
     
     
      of
      the
      arms
      hang
      out.
      Time
     
     
      allowed
      for
      this:
      all
      morning.
     
    

    
     
      Take
      an
      egg
      carton.
      Us-
     
     
      ing
      a
      pair
      of
      scissors
      and
      a
      can
     
     
      of
      paint,
      turn
      it
      into
      an
      alligator.
     
     
      Now
      take
      a
      toilet
      paper
      tube.
     
     
      Using
      only
      scotch
      tape
      and
      a
     
     
      piece
      of
      foil,
      turn
      it
      into
      a
      Christ-
     
     
      mas
      tree.
      Last,
      take
      a
      milk
      con-
     
     
      tainer,
      a
      ping
      pong
      ball,
      and
      an
     
     
      —
      packet
      of
      Coco
      Puffs
     
     
      and
      make
      an
      exact
      replica
      of
      the
     
     
      Eiffel
      Tower.
      Congragulations,
     
     
      you
      have
      just
      qualified
      for
      a
     
     
      place
      on
      the
      play
      group
      com-
     
     
      mittee.
     
    

    
     
      Forget
      the
      Miata
      and
      b
     
     
      the
      minivan.
      And
      don’t
      think
     
     
      you
      can
      leave
      it
      in
      the
      driveway
     
     
      poss
      and
      shining.
      Family
      cars
     
    

    
     
      on’t
      look
      like
      that.
      Buy
      a
     
     
      chocolate
      ice
      cream
      bar
      and
      put
     
     
      it
      in
      the
      glove
      compartment.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Leave
      it
      there.
      Get
      a
      quarter.
     
     
      Stick
      it
      in
      the
      cassette
      player.
     
     
      Take
      a
      family
      size
      bag
      of
      choco-
     
     
      late
      cookies.
      Mash
      them
      down
     
     
      the
      back
      seats.
      Run
      a
      garden
     
     
      rake
      along
      both
      sides
      of
      the
      car.
     
     
      There!
      Perfect!
     
    

    
     
      Get
      ready
      to
      go
      out.
      Wait
     
     
      outside
      the
      toilet
      for
      half
      an
     
     
      hour.
      Go
      out
      the
      front
      door.
     
     
      Come
      in
      again.
      Go
      out
      .
      Come
     
     
      back
      in.
      Go
      out
      again.
      Walk
     
     
      down
      the
      Sele
      aa
      Walk
      back
     
     
      up
      it
      again.
      Walk
      down
      it
      again.
     
    

    
     
      alk
      very
      slowly
      down
      the
     
     
      road
      for
      five
      minutes.
      Stop
      to
     
     
      inspect
      minutely
      every
      cigarette
     
     
      butt,
      piece
      of
      used
      chewing
     
     
      gum,
      dirty
      tissue,
      and
      dead
      in-
     
     
      sect
      along
      the
      way.
      Retrace
     
     
      out
      steps.
      Scream
      that
      you’ve
     
     
      ad
      as
      much
      as
      you
      can
      stand
     
     
      until
      all
      of
      the
      neighbours
      come
     
     
      out
      an
      stare
      at
      you.
      Give
      up
      and
     
     
      go
      back
      in
      the
      house.
      You
      are
     
     
      now
      just
      about
      ready
      to
      try
     
     
      taking
      a
      small
      child
      for
      a
      walk.
     
     
      rsp
      i
      repeat
      everything
     
     
      you
      say
      at
      least
      five
      times.
      Go
     
     
      to
      your
      local
      supermarket.
      Take
     
     
      with
      you
      the
      nearest
      thing
      you
     
     
      can
      find
      to
      a
      pre-school
      child.
      A
     
     
      fully
      grown
      goat
      is
      excellent.
      If
     
     
      you
      intend
      to
      have
      more
      than
     
     
      one
      child,
      take
      more
      than
      one
     
     
      goat.
      Buy
      your
      week’s
      grocer-
     
     
      ies
      without
      letting
      the
      goats
      out
     
     
      of
      your
      sight.
      Pay
      for
      every-
     
     
      thing
      the
      goats
      eat
      or
      destroy.
     
     
      Until
      you
      can
      easily
      accomplish
     
     
      this,
      do
      not
      even
      contemplate
     
     
      having
      children.
     
    

    
     
      Hollow
      out
      amelon.
      Make
     
     
      a
      small
      hole
      in
      the
      side.
      Suspend
     
     
      it
      from
      the
      ceiling
      and
      swing
      it
     
     
      from
      side
      to
      side.
      Now
      get
      a
     
     
      bowl
      of
      soggy
      Fruit
      Loops
      and
     
     
      attempt
      to
      spoon
      it
      into
      the
     
     
      swaying
      melon
      by
      pretendin;
     
     
      to
      be
      an
      airplane.
      Caines
      unti
     
     
      half
      of
      the
      Fruit
      Loops
      are
      gone.
     
     
      Tip
      the
      rest
      into
      your
      lap,
      mak-
     
     
      ing
      sure
      that
      a
      lot
      of
      it
      falls
      on
     
     
      the
      floor.
      Now
      you
      are
      ready
      to
     
     
      feed
      a
      12
      hell
      old
      child.
     
    

    
     
      Learn
      the
      names
      of
      every
     
     
      character
      from
      Barney,
      Sesame
     
     
      Street,
      and
      Power
      Rangers.
     
     
      When
      you
      find
      yourself
      sing-
     
     
      ing,
      “I
      love
      you,
      you
      love
      me”
      at
     
     
      work,
      now
      you
      finally
      qualify
     
     
      as
      a
      parent!
     
    

    
     
      The
      Mapus
      column
      is
     
     
      dedicated
      to
       Peceaceing
      the
      sug-
     
     
      gestions
      and
      ideas
      of
      mature
     
     
      and
      part-time
      students.
      You
      can
     
     
      contact
     
    

    
     
      Janice
      Muir
      at
      (902)
      853-
     
     
      4
      0
      =
      .4
      fee
      0-*
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      892-1113
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Charlottetown
     
    
   
   
    
     
      26
      January
      1999
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      17”
      PIZZA
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (3
      Toppings)
      $10.99
      +
      plus
      tax
     
    
   
   
    
     
      17”
      PIZZA
      &
      12”
      GARLIC
      FINGERS
     
     
      (3
      Toppings)
      (2
      Donair
      Sauce)
     
     
      $13.99
      +
      plus
      tax
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “THE
      PIZZA
      FEAST”
     
     
      217
      PIZZA
      &
      GARLIC
      FINGERS
     
     
      (3
      Toppings)
      $22.99
      +
      plus
      tax