CONTENTS
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      3
     
     
      MACLEAN’S
      RANKINGS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      4
     
     
      PILOT
      PROJECT
     
    
   
   
    
     
      5
     
     
      POLITICS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      6
     
     
      SEAT
      SALE
     
    
   
   
    
     
      7
     
     
      THE
      RUDE
      MECHANICALS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      8
     
     
      THE
      EVENT
      TENT
     
    
   
   
    
     
      9
     
     
      CHOICE
      CUTS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      10
     
     
      Discs
      OF
      FuRY
     
    
   
   
    
     
      11
     
     
      MARIO
      LEMIEUX
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Editorial
      18:
      We
      Know
      It
      Is
      Bad:
     
     
      We
      Are
      Going
      To
      Try
      And
      Make
      It
     
     
      Better
     
     
      The
      ashtray
      beside
      me;
      over-
     
     
      loaded
      and
      stained
      like
      some
      cheap
     
     
      Elf
      on
      Boxing
      Day.
      The
      computer
      I
      am
     
     
      fighting;
      twitching
      and
      jerking
      like
      an
     
     
      epileptic
      flasher.
      The
      hat
      I
      am
      wear-
     
     
      ing;
      all
      blue
      and
      white
      and
      Fluent
      on
     
     
      top.
      All
      these
      things
      remind
      me
      of
      you.
     
     
      “You?’—you
      are
      saying.
     
     
      Yes—you.
     
     
      First
      off,
      this
      ain’t
      going
      to
     
     
      any
      of
      that
      David
      Copperfield
      crap
     
     
      you
      have
      become
      used
      to
      in
      this
      space.
     
     
      No
      I
      will
      leave
      that
      to
      the
      cheap
      pimps
     
     
      who
      follow
      in
      these
      pages.
      (1)
      Instead
     
     
      I
      will
      endeavor
      to
      answer
      some
      ques-
     
     
      tions.
      Provide
      some
      clarity.
     
     
      “Bowdlerizer?”
      (2)
     
     
      Yes.
      :
     
     
      “Could
      you
      advise
      us
      of
      the
     
     
      kinds
      of
      titles
      you
      rejected
      before
      set-
     
     
      tling
      on
      the
      aforementioned
      title,
      ‘We
     
     
      Know
      It
      Is
      Bad.
      We
      Are
      Going
      To
      Try
     
     
      To
      Make
      It
      Better.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      1.
      The
      Aesthetics
      of
      Ascetics
     
     
      2.
      The
      Wonder,
      The
      Curse,
     
     
      and
      the
      Loud
      Black
      Noise
     
     
      3.
      How
      Many
      People
      It
      Actually
     
     
      Takes
      To
      Run
      A
      Student
     
     
      Union
     
     
      4.
      The
      Liver
      In
      My
      Pie
      (3)
     
     
      5.
      Death
      By
      Handshake
     
     
      6.
      A
      Small
      Towel
      of
     
     
      Equivocation
     
     
      7.
      Mickey
      Acorn’s
      Five
      Tips
      to
     
     
      Fire
      Safety
     
     
      8.
      The
      20
      Foot
      Man
      Is
     
     
      Probably
      Just
      Three
      Men
     
     
      Standing
      On
      Each
      Other’s
     
     
      Shoulders
     
     
      9.
      Music
      4
      Airports
     
     
      10.
      Apologia
      (4)
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Cadre
     
    
   
   
    
     
      While
      I
      am
      sure
      you
      are
      dis-
     
     
      appointed
      that
      this
      issue
      was
      so
      small,
     
     
      I
      can
      explain.
      See
      we
      had
      enough
      con-
     
     
      tent
      for
      about
      17.5
      pages.
      However
      the
     
     
      printing
      process
      works
      in
      fours
      (16,
     
     
      20,
      24,
      28,
      32,
      36
      you
      get
      it)
      so
      we
     
     
      have
      chopped
      like
      an
      Iron
      Chef
      on
      thy-
     
     
      roxine,
      and
      present
      you
      with
      these
     
     
      tight,
      and
      smart
      16
      pages.
     
    

    
     
      Now
      for
      the
      future.
     
    

    
     
      ‘The
      future?’—you
      are
      say-
     
     
      ing.
     
    

    
     
      Yes—the
      future.
     
    

    
     
      In
      these
      pages
      you
      can
      look
     
    
   
   
    
     
      forward
      to
      our
      long
      promised
      poetry
     
     
      spectacular,
      with
      accompanying
      live
     
     
      reading,
      and,
      to
      continue
      my
      tradition
     
     
      of
      promising
      articles
      by
      people
      who
     
     
      have
      not
      yet
      committed
      to
      write
      them,
     
     
      you
      can
      also
      look
      forward
      to
      an
      origi-
     
     
      nal
      story
      by
      UPEI
      professor,
      and
      The
     
     
      Bubble
      Star
      author
      Lesley-Anne
     
     
      Bourne.
      :
     
    

    
     
      That
      is
      a
      lot
      to
      look
      forward
     
     
      to,
      I
      know.
      But
      there
      is
      more.
     
    

    
     
      “More?’—you
      say.
     
    

    
     
      Yes—more.
     
    

    
     
      You
      can
      also
      look
      forward
      to
     
     
      the
      ECMA
      Alter-Case
      show
      we
      are
     
     
      putting
      on
      this
      February,
      which
      will
     
     
      contain
      72
      bands
      each
      playing
      for
      ten
     
     
      minutes
      (maybe
      less)
      and
      a
      three-hour
     
     
      finale
      from
      Windom
     
     
      Earle—“Charlottetown’s
      finest
      elec-
     
     
      tronica
      outfit.”
      Also
      our
      new
      travel
     
     
      writer
      will
      be
      venturing
      to
      Antigua
      to
     
     
      cover
      the
      women’s
      lightweight
      full-
     
     
      contact
      kickboxing
      championship.
     
    

    
     
      Also
      Jeff
      Coll,
      over
      the
      holi-
     
     
      day
      break
      made
      the
      basketball
      team,
     
     
      the
      hockey
      team,
      the
      women’s
      volley-
     
     
      ball
      team,
      the
      East
      Oakland
      Roller
     
     
      Derby
      Team,
      (5)
      and
      got
      seriously
      into
     
     
      weight
      lifting.
      Watch
      for
      details.
     
    

    
     
      “Expurgator?”
      (6)
     
    

    
     
      Nes:
     
    

    
     
      “Do
      you
      have
      any
      cryptic
     
     
      aphorism
      type
      sayings
      that
      would
      be
     
     
      nice
      to
      close
      this
      disjointed
      rambling
     
     
      with?”
     
    

    
     
      Why
      yes.
     
    

    
     
      You
      can’t
      force
      a
      yawn
      like
     
     
      you
      can
      a
      smile.
      (7)
     
    

    
     
      “Wait
      wasn’t
      that
      the
      title
      of
     
     
      an
      Editorial
      last
      year.
      Have
      things
      got-
     
     
      ten
      so
      bad
      that
      you
      are
      now
      stealing
     
     
      from
      yourself
      Ol’
      Sport
      ?”
      (8)
     
    

    
     
      So
      it
      goes.
      (9)
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Kent
      J.
      Bruyneel
     
     
      Editor-In-Chief
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (1)Usurped
      from
      J.D.
      Salinger
     
    

    
     
      (2)
      Nicked
      from
      the
      Oxford
      Minireference
     
     
      Thesaurus.
     
    

    
     
      (3)
      Boosted
      from
      Jeff
      Coll.
     
    

    
     
      (4)
      Appropriated
      from
      monstro.com.
     
    

    
     
      (5)
      Raped
      from
      Hunter
      S.
      Thompson.
     
    

    
     
      (6)
      Plundered
      from
      the
      Oxford
     
     
      Minireference
      Thesaurus.
     
    

    
     
      (7)
      Burgled
      from
      me.
     
    

    
     
      (8)
      Confiscated
      from
      F.
      Scott
      Fitzgerald.
     
     
      (9)
      Annexed
      from
      Kurt
      Vonnegut.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      et