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      Banff,
      Alberta:
      An
      Odyssey
      of
      Drunken
      Celibacy
     
     
      by
      Vincent
      LAVERS
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Situated
      on
      the
      edge
      of
      the
     
     
      Alberta’s
      Rocky
      Mountains,
      Banff
      is
      a
     
     
      picturesque
      mountain
      town
      located
     
     
      two
      hours
      from
      Calgary.
      Being
      one
      of
     
     
      the
      largest
      tourist
      attractions
      in
     
     
      Canada,
      Banff
      offers
      breath-taking
     
     
      landscapes,
      state
      of
      the
      art
      sporting
     
     
      facilities
      and
      a
      haven
      for
      gullible
     
     
      tourists
      and
      shady
      businessmen
      alike.
     
     
      Last
      June,
      I
      was
      given
      the
      opportunity
     
     
      to
      take
      my
      long
      desired
      trip
      to
      the
     
     
      bustling
      ski
      village.
      Unlike
      most
      visi-
     
     
      tors,
      my
      motives
      were
      not
      derived
     
     
      from
      a
      longing
      for
      natural
      beauty
      and
     
     
      cultural
      depth,
      but
      the
      prospect
      of
      par-
     
     
      tying
      with
      a
      drunken
      women’s
      rugby
     
     
      team
      instead.
     
    

    
     
      My
      good
      _
      friend’
      Neil
     
     
      Macmillan
      has
      a
      cousin,
      Nora,
      living
     
     
      in
      the
      outskirts
      of
      Calgary.
      This
      being
     
     
      Neil’s
      last
      weekend
      in
      Alberta,
      she
     
     
      had
      invited
      Neil,
      Chris
      and
      I
      to
     
     
      accompany
      her
      for
      an
      afternoon
      of
     
     
      rugby
      and
      an
      evening
      of
      drinks.
      The
     
     
      idea
      seemed
      innocent
      enough,
      and
      was
     
     
      thought
      to
      be
      the
      perfect
      way
      to
      wish
     
     
      our
      comrade
      a
      ‘bon-voyage’.
      It
      would
     
     
      be
      a
      lie
      to
      say
      that
      this
      was
      the
      only
     
     
      motive
      to
      our
      journey;
      the
      three
      of
      us
     
     
      had
      also
      never
      experienced
      the
      high-
     
     
      life
      of
      Banff,
      and
      the
      prospect
      of
      being
     
     
      the
      only
      men
      at
      a
      gathering
      of
      drunk-
     
     
      en
      rugby
      girls
      had
      us
      very
      excited.
     
    

    
     
      The
      two-hour
      drive
      was
      one
     
     
      you
      could
      only
      enjoy
      as
      a
      passenger.
     
     
      The
      winding
      roads
      and
      blind
      hills
      pro-
     
     
      vide
      a
      hellish
      terrain
      for
      drivers;
      while
     
     
      it’s
      natural
      beauty
      and
      picture-perfect
     
     
      scenery
      divert
      your
      attention
      at
      every
     
     
      turn.
      Speaking
      of
      natural
      beauty,
      Nora
     
    
   
   
    
     
      had
      proved
      to
      be
      quite
      a
      number
      her-
     
     
      self.
      I_entertained
      the
      thought
      of
      a
     
     
      drunken
      sexual
      escapade
      with
      her
      later
     
     
      that
      night,
      but
      decided
      it
      was
      best
      to
     
     
      make
      my
      move
      when
      Neil
      had
      left
      the
     
     
      province.
     
    

    
     
      The
      driving
      in
      Banff
      itself
     
     
      proved
      to
      be
      worse
      than
      the
      maze
      of
     
     
      mountains
      surrounding
      it.
      Jaywalking
     
     
      in
      Banff
      is
      so
      rampant
      that
      the
      laws
     
     
      against
      it
      are
      no
      longer
      enforced.
      We
     
     
      wove
      our
      way
      through
      the
      steady
     
     
      stream
      of
      tourists
      at
      a
      consistent
     
     
      20km/h
      and
      headed
      towards
      the
      local
     
     
      rugby
      field.
      The
      fabled
      culture
      seemed
     
     
      shallow
      and
      resembled
      a
      theme
      park
     
     
      more
      than
      a
      town.
      I
      was
      not
      able
      to
     
     
      relate
      to
      the
      fast
      pace
      of
      Kodak
     
     
      moments
      and
      carriage
      rides
      that
      sur-
     
     
      rounded
      me.
      We
      were
      in
      danger;
      I
     
     
      could
      feel
      it.
      A
      few
      minutes
      later,
      we
     
     
      pulled
      up
      to
      the
      field.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      These
      women
      were
     
     
      strong:
      resistance
     
     
      would
      prove
      useless.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Boys,
      I
      think
      we’re
      in
      over
     
     
      our
      heads,”
      was
      the
      quote
      of
      the
      week-
     
     
      end.
      The
      physical
      and
      personal
      traits
     
     
      of
      the
      rest
      of
      the
      team
      did
      now
      follow
     
     
      those
      of
      Nora’s.
      We
      were
      dealing
      with
     
     
      hardened,
      toned
      and
      determined
     
    
   
   
    
     
      women
      that
      were
      focused
      on
      literally
     
     
      devouring
      the
      opposing
      team.
      We
     
     
      found
      their
      strong
      physical
      play
      oddly
     
     
      erotic
      at
      first,
      but
      it
      soon
      turned
      to
     
     
      pure
      intimidation.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It
      was
      then
      that
      I
      first
      felt
      the
     
     
      fear.
      My
      comrades
      and
      I
      soon
      plotted
     
     
      a
      defense
      to
      any
      possible
      ravenous
     
     
      orgies.
      These
      women
      were
      strong;
     
     
      resistance
      would
      prove
      useless.
      It
      was
     
     
      decided
      that
      Plan
      B
      was
      to
      drink
      as
     
     
      much
      as
      possible,
      make
      ourselves
      look
     
     
      like
      assholes,
      and
      do
      out
      best
      to
      watch
     
     
      out
      for
      each
      other
      in
      the
      mean
      time.
     
     
      Dark
      clouds
      soon
      blanketed
      the
      sky,
     
     
      and
      our
      girls
      had
      won
      42-0.
     
    

    
     
      Within
      two
      hours
      I
      was
      com-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _pletely
      drunk.
      What
      started
      as
      casual
     
    
   
   
    
     
      shoves
      soon
      turned
      into
      pinches
      on
      the
     
     
      ass
      or
      grabs
      at
      my
      genitals.
      “So
      you
     
     
      guys
      have
      a
      pretty
      good
      chance
      to
     
     
      score
      tonight
      eh?”
      the
      coach
      pro-
     
     
      claimed.
      All
      of
      the
      girls
      giggled,
      while
     
     
      we
      sank
      in
      our
      chairs
      and
      nursed
      our
     
     
      drinks.
      The
      fear
      factor
      was
      very
      real.
     
     
      A
      trip
      to
      the
      local
      pub
      and
      a
     
     
      stint
      at
      a
      local
      house
      party
      soon
      fol-
     
     
      lowed
      and
      played
      in
      our
      favour.
      The
     
     
      local
      Banff
      men
      sensed
      our
      sexual
      ten-
     
     
      sion,
      blended
      in
      with
      our
      party
      and
      did
     
     
      their
      best
      to
      balance
      the
      male/female
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ratio.
      With
      our
      much-needed
      breath-
      _
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ing
      room,
      we
      relaxed
      and
      let
      the
     
    

    
     
      smooth
      mountain
      lager
      take
      effect.
     
     
      Women
      were
      everywhere
      now,
     
    

    
     
      as
      we
      danced
      to
      the
      thumping
      bass
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~aclub
      whose
      name
      I
      have
      long
      forgot-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ten.
      The
      women
      had
      discovered
      our
     
     
      ruse
      and
      sensed
      our
      fear.
      This
      had
      now
     
     
      escalated
      into
      a
      game
      of
      wits,
      but
      how
     
     
      much
      longer
      could
      we
      maintain?
      The
     
     
      walls
      were
      closing
      in
      and
      our
      fear
     
     
      soon
      turned
      into
      desperation
      and
     
     
      panic,
      as
      we
      drank
      more
      than
      we
      had
     
     
      ever
      drank
      before.
      I
      remember
      trying
     
     
      to
      chug
      a
      beer
      and
      hard-lemonade
      at
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [11]
     
    
   
   
    
     
      the
      same
      time.
      The
      club
      atmosphere
      in
     
     
      Banff
      is
      free
      and
      accepting,
      so
      being
     
     
      unable
      to
      finish
      my
      chugging
      attempt,
     
     
      I
      poured
      the
      rest
      over
      my
      head.
      The
     
     
      girls
      playfully
      laughed
      and
      then
      Nora
     
     
      handed
      me
      yet
      another
      beer.
      Was
      she
     
     
      trying
      to
      seduce
      me?
      Ha,
      I
      was
      on
      to
     
     
      her
      petty
      ploy,
      and
      promptly
      poured
     
     
      the
      entire
      beer
      over
      my
      head
      as
      well.
     
     
      Plan
      B
      was
      a
      success!
     
    

    
     
      The
      rest
      of
      the
      night
      passed
      in
     
     
      a
      blur
      of
      lemon
      shooters
      and
      take-out
     
     
      pizza.
      I
      woke
      up
      the
      next
      morning,
     
     
      fully
      clothed,
      with
      my
      fellow
      com-
     
     
      rades
      nearby.
      I
      uttered
      a
      few
      words
      of
     
     
      victory
      under
      my
      breath,
      and
      mar-
     
     
      velled
      at
      the
      intensity
      of
      my
      hang
     
     
      over.
      I
      still
      remember
      watching
      the
     
     
      Banff
      city
      sign
      fading
      away
      in
      my
     
     
      rear-view
      mirror
      shortly
      after.
      Good-
     
     
      bye
      Banff,
      and
      good
      riddance.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Soe
      watt
      eeticertene
      spite
      ‘Eieee
      appeectnd
      woeastibi:
      tone
      adectevne'y
      Sor
      WIPES.
      Becrenoe
      vosoet.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Betis
      S|
      i“
      ‘sorabonre
      conte
      ©
     
     
      peer
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Drantosanses
      at
      Ki
      scstioont
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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