Turkey
      Dinner
     
    
   
   
    
     
      This
      Week:
      Warriors
      of
      the
      Wastelands
      and
     
     
      Warlords
      of
      the
      21st
      Century
     
    
   
   
    
     
      That’s
      right,
      fellow
      B
      movie
      fans!
      In
      order
      to
      make
      up
      for
     
     
      issing
      last
      week’s
      issue
      (due
      to
      an
      embarrassing
      computer
     
     
      rash)
      I’m
      reviewing
      two
      of
      the
      best
      in
      rotten
      cinema.
      The
     
     
      pics
      in
      question
      are
      almost
      mirror
      images
      of
      each
      other.
     
    

    
     
      Warriors
      of
      the
      Wastelands
      is
      about
      a
      reluctant
      hero
      ina
     
     
      ost-apocalyptic
      war
      zone
      fighting
      to
      save
      a
      group
      of
      pil-
     
     
      rims
      from
      a
      group
      of
      murderous
      fanatics
      called
      the
     
     
      emplars.
      On
      the
      other
      hand,
      Warlords
      of
      the
      21st
      Century
      is
     
     
      bout
      a
      reluctant
      hero
      living
      ina
      post-apocalyptic
      war
      zone
     
     
      ighting
      to
      save
      acommune
      from
      a
      group
      of
      ex-military
     
     
      unatics
      under
      one
      Colonel
      Sherman.
      See
      how
      different
      they
     
    
   
   
    
     
      s
      one
      of
      those
      movies
      that’s
      so
      had
      the
      credi
     
     
      ho
      played
      what
      role.
      That’s
      okay,
      because
     
     
      ant
      to
      know...
     
    
   
   
    
     
      lot
      goes
      as
      written
      above
      with
      few
      minor
      co
     
     
      he
      hero
      in
      question
      is
      Skorpion,
      an
      ex-Temp
     
     
      ound
      in
      the
      ugliest
      car
      ever
      made
      for
      film.
      ‘
     
     
      ant
      to
      kill
      Skorpion
      for
      the
      crime
      of
      leaving
     
     
      ey’re
      at
      it
      they
      want
      to
      kill
      everybody
      else
      |
     
     
      ving.
      Why?
      Because
      their
      leader,
      One,
      belié
     
     
      uman
      alive
      shares
      responsibility
      for
      the
      nuc
     
     
      iped
      out
      the
      world
      and
      someone
      (read:
      the
      Templars)
      hia
     
     
      ill
      them
      for
      it.
      In
      an
      effort
      to
      avoid
      a
      plot
      hole,
      One
      also
     
     
      lieves
      that
      the
      Templars
      can’t
      kill
      themselves
      until
     
     
      cy’
      ve
      done
      away
      with
      everyone
      else.
      Too
      bad
      they
      didn’t
     
     
      tice
      all
      the
      other
      plot
      holes
      lying
      around...
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      fcourse,
      Skorpion’s
      not
      alone.
      His
      allies
      include
      Nadir,
      a
     
     
      &
      black
      guy
      with
      explosive
      arrowheads
      and
      an
      obsession
     
     
      ith
      being
      the
      strongest
      man
      alive;
      a
      nameless
      girl
      with
      a
     
     
      markably
      rigid
      broken
      arm;
      and
      the
      Kid,
      a
      halfpint
      genius
     
    

    
     
      0
      keeps
      the
      Uglymobile
      running
      smoothly
      while
      shooting
     
     
      ople
      with
      a
      slingshot.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      €
      acting
      might
      be
      awful,
      but
      you
      really
      can’t
      tell
      because
     
     
      dubbing
      is
      worse
      than
      a
      Bruce
      Lee
      movie.
      The
      sets
      are
     
     
      lly
      cheap
      looking,
      made
      of
      plywood
      and
      tin
      roofing.
      The
     
     
      |
      stars
      of
      the
      show
      are
      those
      awe-inspiring
      vehicles:
     
     
      dir’s
      futuristic
      electric
      dune
      buggy
      (which
      sounds
      like
      a
     
     
      Squito
      with
      a
      head
      cold)
      and
      the
      horribly
      beweaponed
     
     
      mplarmobiles
      (golf
      carts
      with
      spiked
      bumpers
      and
     
     
      methrowers
      under
      the
      hood).
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sement:
      As
      bad
      as
      they
      get,
      but
      not
      without
      its
      moments.
     
     
      ©
      acting
      sucks,
      but
      the
      script
      itself
      is
      full
      of
      hooks,
      one-
     
     
      rs
      and
      situations
      that
      may
      make
      you
      spurt
      beer
      from
     
    

    
     
      T
      nose.
      It
      drops
      dead
      for
      about
      fifteen
      minutes
      in
      the
     
    

    
     
      dle,
      but
      after
      that
      it
      pick
      up
      steam
      on
      its
      way
      to
      a
      really
     
    

    
     
      b
      climax.
      Scenes
      to
      watch
      for:
      the
      ear
      stuck
      in
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “euesa
      pirl
      (Annie
      Mcbnroe)
      from
      Colonel
      Sherman:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      radiator;
      the
      head
      that
      rockets
      skyward
      after
      Nadir
      shoots
     
     
      the
      guy
      in
      the
      neck;
      and
      Skorpion
      dressed
      in
      what
      looks
      like
     
     
      Clint
      Eastwood’s
      costume
      from
      4
      Fistful
      of
      Dollars.
      Rated
      R
     
     
      for
      the
      ridiculous,
      badly
      filmed
      violence.
      Laugh
      your
      head
     
     
      off.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Warlords
      of
      the
      21st
      Century
      isn’t
      nearly
      as
      funny,
      but
      it’s
     
     
      far
      more
      interesting.
      It
      was
      filmed
      in
      New
      Zealand
      (right
     
     
      across
      the
      sea
      from
      where
      they
      made
      those
      great
      Mad
      Max
     
     
      movies!).
      The
      acting’s
      believable,
      with
      one
      notable
      excep-
     
     
      tion.
      And
      the
      vehicles
      look
      kind
      of
      cool
      as
      opposed
      to
      being
     
     
      completely
      silly.
      The
      one
      drawback
      is
      the
      familiar
      plot.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      movie
      opens
      with
      a
      smoky
      sky.
      We
      hear
      a
      babble
      of
     
     
      radio
      voices
      telling
      us
      how
      the
      world
      ended.
      I
      won’
      t
      tell
      you
     
     
      what
      happened
      (that
      would
      ruin
      the
      whole
      atmosphere
      of
      the
     
     
      movie)
      but
      I
      will
      give
      you
      a
      couple
      hints:
      it
      wasn’t
      the
     
     
      bomb,
      and
      it
      might
      still
      happen...
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
          
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘goons
     
     
      Hunter
      takes
      her
      to
      a
      commune
      where
      she
      hopes
      to
      escape
     
     
      Sherman
      forever.
      No
      such
      luck.
      Sherman
      and
      the
      Battletruck
     
     
      track
      her
      down
      there
      and
      kidnap
      her.
      Again.
      Hunter
      is
      forced
     
     
      into
      the
      role
      of
      vengeful
      hero
      to
      get
      her
      back
      by
      destroying
     
     
      the
      Colonel.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Actually,
      it’s
      a
      little
      more
      complex
      than
      that,
      but
      you’ll
     
     
      have
      to
      rent
      it
      to
      find
      out
      why.
      This
      is
      a
      rarity
      in
      the
      car
      war
     
     
      genre:
      atruly
      good
      movie.
      It’s
      only
      overshadowed
      by
      the
      fact
     
     
      that
      Road
      Warrior
      did
      exactly
      the
      same
      plot
      two
      years
     
     
      earlier.
      Mel
      Gibson
      similarities
      aside,
      this
      is
      one
      heavy
     
     
      movie.
      It’s
      fast-paced
      and
      action-packed
      (it
      has
      to
      be),
      but
     
     
      it’s
      also
      thoughtful
      and
      sometimes
      eerily
      deep.
      The
      only
      real
     
     
      weak
      point
      in
      the
      cast
      is
      Ms.
      McEnroe.
      She
      delivers
      most
      of
     
     
      her
      lines
      in
      the
      most
      annoying
      whiny
      voice
      I’ve
      ever
      heard.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Judgement:
      Entertaining
      and
      dark.
      Not
      as
      grim
      or
      as
      grimy
     
     
      as
      the
      Mad
      Max
      films,
      probably
      because
      of
      it’s
      no-nukes
     
     
      apocalypse,
      but
      still
      pretty
      desolate
      and
      ominous.
      Stuff
      to
     
     
      watch
      for:
      Colonel
      Sherman’s
      Battletruck,
      a
      truly
      imposing
     
     
      piece
      of
      machinery;
      creative
      solutions
      to
      the
      fuel
      shortage;
     
     
      Hunter
      driving
      the
      Love
      Bug
      from
      hell;
      and
      the
      Battletruck
     
     
      driving
      through
      some
      buildings
      in
      a
      very
      realistic
      demolition
     
     
      scene.
      Rated
      A
      for
      adult
      accompaniment,
      but
      still
      pretty
     
     
      violent
      for
      fans
      of
      big
      kabooms.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Trent
      Drake
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      PEI
      X-P
      RESS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      October
      8,
      1992
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Page
      19