The
      Adventures
      of
      Drunken
      Dragon
     
     
      |
      by
      Marc
      MacDONALD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      LocaTION:
      An
      Undisclosed
      Staff
      Party
     
     
      somewhere
      in
      Charlottetown
     
    

    
     
      COVER
      CHARGE:
      A
      few
      bucks
      or
      a
      food
     
     
      bank
      donation
     
    

    
     
      WHAT
      YOU
      MIGHT
      FIND:
      A
      poor,
      sober
      DJ
     
     
      playing
      the
      exact
      same
      drunken
     
     
      requests
      he
      gets
      asked
      to
      play
      every
      sin-
     
     
      gle
      staff
      party
      gig
      he
      works,
      mixed
      with
     
     
      some
      horrible
      karaoke.
     
    

    
     
      ~
      DRINK
      PRICES:
      Beer/Rum&Coke
      —
     
     
      $2.25
     
    

    
     
      ADVICE:
      Get
      really
      drunk,
      dance
      badly
     
     
      and
      sing
      worse;
      it
      might
      earn
      yo’
      ass
      a
     
     
      promotion.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      This
      week
      Drunken
     
     
      Driizzaggon
      gets
      twisted
      at
      a
      staff
      party
     
     
      somewhere
      in
      Charlottetown.
      I
      ain’t
     
     
      telling
      you
      where
      it
      is
      ‘cause
      I
      may
      be
     
     
      drunk
      but
      I
      ain’t
      fucking
      stupid,
      and
      I
     
     
      like
      my
      job.
      But
      everybody
      who
      has
      a
     
     
      job
      (which
      is
      not
      necessarily
      many
      on
     
     
      this
      Island,
      but
      you
      might
      know
      some-
     
     
      body
      who
      has
      a
      job
      so
      go
      with
      them)
     
     
      has
      staff
      parties
      and,
      if
      you
      do
      thangz
     
    
   
   
    
     
      right,
      you
      can
      have
      a
      lot
      of
      fun
      and
      even
     
     
      move
      up
      the
      corporate
      latter.
     
    

    
     
      There
      are
      certain
      rules
      to
      fol-
     
     
      low
      when
      attending
      a
      staff
      party.
      The
     
     
      worst
      thing
      you
      can
      do
      is
      arrive
      at
      your
     
     
      staff
      party
      hammered
      before
      most
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      can
      see
      the
      ice
      in
      the
      bottom
      of
      they
     
     
      glace
      of
      Gin
      and
      Juice.
      To
      demonstrate
     
     
      why
      I’ll
      tell
      you
      a
      story.
      (And
      it’s
      a
      true
     
     
      story,
      as
      are
      all
      stories
      in
      The
     
     
      Adventures
      Of
      Drunken
      Dragon,
      even
     
     
      though
      Chimo
      failed
      to
      believe
      I
      was
      in
     
     
      Amsterdam
      because
      of
      a
      misquote
      last
     
     
      time
      that
      said
      I
      did
      all
      my
      travels
      on
      my
     
     
      Christmas
      break
      when
      it
      was
      really
      over
     
     
      a
      couple
      years).
     
    

    
     
      A
      co-worker
      of
      mine,
      we’ll
      call
     
     
      him
      Russell
      Jones
      for
      the
      purposes
      of
     
     
      this
      story,
      arrived
      at
      a
      summer
      staff
     
     
      party
      drunk
      and
      high
      in
      the
      middle
      of
     
     
      the
      afternoon.
      This
      was
      his
      first
      mis-
     
     
      take.
      Russell’s
      second
      mistake
      was
     
     
      pissing
      off
      the
      sea-doo
      wharf
      while
      in
     
     
      full
      view
      of
      everybody
      up
      on
      the
      patio
     
     
      and
      then
      waving
      to
      everybody
      after
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      We
      work
      hard,
      and
      we
      play
      harder.
      Nahmean?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [6]
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Drunken
      Dragon
      sleeps
      with
      the
      fishes.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      they
      gave
      him
      an
      ovation.
      His
      third
      mis-
     
     
      take
      was
      mouthing
      off
      and
      trying
      to
     
     
      pick
      a
      fight
      with
      the
      boss
      of
      his
      boss’
     
     
      boss
      who
      was
      trying
      to
      escort
      him
      off
     
     
      the
      premises.
      Mr.
      Jones
      was
      banned
     
     
      from
      staff
      parties
      for
      a
      year
      and
      damn
     
     
      near
      got
      fired.
      A
      year
      later
      at
      the
      next
     
     
      summer
      staff
      party
      Russell
      Jones
      made
     
     
      the
      horrible
      mistake
      of
      arriving
      drunk
     
     
      again
      and
      tried
      to
      shampoo
      a
      co-work-
     
     
      ers’s
      hair
      with
      mustard.
      He
      was
      kicked
     
     
      out
      and
      banned
      again.
     
    

    
     
      This
      all
      could
      have
      been
      avoid-
     
     
      ed
      if
      Russell
      had
      of
      paced
      himself.
     
     
      Liquor
      at
      staff
      parties
      is
      always
      cheap
     
     
      so
      you
      should
      wait
      till
      you
      get
      there
      to
     
     
      start
      drinking.
      If
      you
      do,
      then
      by
      the
     
     
      time
      you
      are
      shitfaced,
      everybody
      else
     
     
      will
      be
      too.
      By
      that
      time
      you
      can
      piss
      on
     
     
      your
      boss,
      not
      get
      booted
      out
      and
      prob-
     
     
      ably
      get
      a
      free
      drink
      out
      of
      it
      because
     
     
      that
      shit
      was
      so
      funny.
      After
      you
      get
     
     
      really
      drunk
      the
      best
      thing
      you
      do
      is
      be
     
     
      the
      only
      idiot
      up
      on
      the
      dance
      floor
     
     
      shaken
      yo’
      stanken
      ass,
      or,
      if
      they
      have
     
     
      karaoke,
      rock
      the
      mic.
      This
      will
      do
     
     
      wonders
      for
      your
      career
      and
      it
      doesn’t
     
     
      matter
      if
      can’t
      sing.
      For
      effect
      give
      a
     
     
      few
      shout-outs
      to
      your
      boss
      or
      depart-
     
     
      ment
      while
      rapping
      Ol’
      Dirty
      Bastard’s
     
     
      “Shimmy
      Shimmy
      Ya”.
      All
      this
      will
     
     
      show
      your
      bosses
      that
      your
      are
      self-
     
     
      motivated,
      confident,
      innovative
      and
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sociable.
      To
      prove
      that
      you
      are
      a
      team-
     
     
      player
      call
      others
      up
      to
      assist
      you
      in
      a
     
     
      rendition
      of
      “Me
      So
      Horny”
      by
      2
      Live
     
     
      Crew.
     
    

    
     
      Another
      thing
      about
      staff
      par-
     
     
      ties
      is
      that
      they
      are
      a
      great
      place
      to
      pick
     
     
      up.
      After
      getting
      plastered
      begin
      to
     
     
      holla
      at
      chicks/playaz.
      You
      know
      most
     
     
      of
      the
      people
      in
      attendance
      so
      you
      are
     
     
      already
      one
      up.
      Seize
      the
      opportunity
      to
     
     
      buy
      a
      drink
      for,
      or
      bump
      and
      grind
      with,
     
     
      that
      phat
      waitress/waiter
      or
      cashier
      you
     
     
      have
      had
      your
      eye
      on.
      There
      is
      nothing
     
     
      better
      you
      can
      do
      than
      to
      have
      a
      bunch
     
     
      of
      one
      night
      stands
      with
      co-workers
     
    
   
   
    
     
      creating
      an
      excess
      of
      sexual
      tension
      and
     
    
   
   
    
     
      awkward
      moments
      in
      the
      workplace.
      Or
     
     
      you
      might
      even
      start
      up
      a
      relationship
     
     
      with
      somebody
      you
      work
      with
      and
     
     
      work
      will
      never
      be
      boring
      again.
      Enter
     
     
      porn
      music
      ...
      I’m
      out.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      P.S.
      This
      year
      was
      another
     
     
      bumpin
      party
      and
      I
      got
      my
      dance
      on
      wit
     
     
      my
      smashin
      date.
      We
      ate
      a
      scrumptious
     
     
      meal,
      drank
      a
      lot
      of
      cheap
      and
      free
     
     
      drinks,
      then
      danced
      all
      the
      liquor
      off.
     
     
      The
      only
      thing
      that
      sucked
      was
      that
      the
     
     
      DJ
      barely
      played
      any
      of
      the
      requests
     
     
      people
      asked
      for
      and
      he
      was
      way
      to
     
     
      light
      on
      the
      hip
      hop.
      Russell
      Jones
      was
     
     
      in
      attendance
      and
      kept
      his
      ass
      out
      of
     
     
      trouble.