“Soap
      and
      education
      are
      not
      as
      sudden
      as
      a
      massacre,
      but
      they
      are
      more
      deadly
      in
      the
      long
      run.”
     
     
      —~Mark
      Twain
     
    
   
   
    
     
      One
      thousand,
      four
      hundred
      and
      sixty
      days.
      Thirty-five
      thousand
      and
      forty
      hours.
      Two
      million,
      one
      hundred
     
     
      and
      four
      thousand,
      and
      four
      hundred
      minutes.
      That’s
      how
      long
      we
      have
      spent
      in
      university.
      Nine
      hundred
      hours
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~elass
      time.
      Close
      to
      two
      thousand
      sheets
      of
      paper.
      Two
      thousand,
      nine-hundred
      and
      twenty
      cups
      of
      coffee.
      Twenty-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      one
      highlighters.
      Nine
      full
      floppy
      disks.
      Paper
      cuts,
      carpal
      tunnel
      syndrome,
      blurred
      eye
      sight,
      permanent
      back
      and
     
     
      neck
      damage
      from
      backpacks
      full
      of
      texts.
      And
      money!
      Fourteen
      thousand,
      six-hundred
      and
      forty
      dollars
      worth
      of
     
     
      tuition
      alone.
      Probably
      around
      sixteén
      hundred
      dollars
      on
      books.
     
    

    
     
      And
      now,
      what?
     
    

    
     
      Now
      we
      emerge,
      blurry-eyed
      from
      four
      years
      of
      education
      to
      do
      what?
      Join
      the
      ranks
      of
      the
      unemployed?
     
    

    
     
      Or
      perhaps
      you
      are
      a
      masochist
      and
      plan
      to
      endure
      "post-graduate"
      education.
     
    

    
     
      Or
      perhaps
      you
      are
      the
      most
      sadistic
      of
      us
      all
      and
      plan
      to
      teach—inflict
      the
      same
      pain
      and
      torment
      which
      you
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~
      were
      subjected
      to
      on
      others,
      like
      an
      abused
      boy
      beating
      a
      dog.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Wherever
      we
      go
      from
      here,
      whatever
      our
      separate
      paths
      are,
      at
      least
      we
      will
      always
      share
      the
      four
      years
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      anguish
      that
      was
      our
      undergraduate
      education.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Summer
      did
      offer
      some
      reprieve
      from
      the
      stress
      of
      school,
      but
      it
      also
      gave
      rise
      to
      a
      most
      particular
     
     
      phenomenon
      called
      working
      to
      work.
      Summer
      jobs
      where
      we
      worked
      like
      dogs
      only
      to
      earn
      money
      to
      pay
      the
      tuition
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -
      necessary
      so
      that
      we
      could
      work
      some
      more.
      It’s
      a
      ridiculous
      concept,
      but
      somehow
      we
      bought
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I’m
      not
      sure
      who
      said
      that
      the
      college
      years
      are
      the
      best
      years
      of
      your
      life,
      but
      he
      was
      obviously
      self-
     
     
      educated.
      I’m
      sure
      in
      the
      years
      to
      come,
      research
      will
      uncover
      the
      harmful
      long
      term
      effects
      that
      all
      this
      sleep
     
     
      deprivation
      and
      long
      periods
      of
      inactivity
      will
      have
      on
      us.
      And
      for
      all
      the
      copious
      notes
      we
      have
      scribbled,
      for
      all
     
     
      the
      times
      we've
      whored
      ourselves
      by
      laughing
      at
      our
      professors’
      inane,
      pathetic
      jokes,
      are
      we
      actually
      better
      people
     
     
      for
      the
      time
      we’ve
      spent
      here?
      Or
      was
      this
      just
      a
      necessary
      evil?
     
    

    
     
      Term
      papers,
      deadlines,
      professors’
      sarcasm,
      classes
      that
      made
      time
      stand
      still,
      wrestli
      ing
      with
      the
      registrar’s
     
     
      office,
      dealing
      with
      student
      loans,
      struggling
      through
      the
      worst
      weather
      conditions
      imaginable
      to
      get
      to
      class
      only
     
     
      to
      find
      out
      it’s
      canceled,
      three-hour
      examinations
      under
      the
      incessantly
      buzzing
      lights
      of
      the
      sports
      centre,
      interlibrary
     
     
      loans,
      endlessly
      weaving
      through
      the
      parking
      lots
      looking
      for
      a
      space
      like
      rat
      in
      a
      maze~are
      these
      the
      things
      that
      are
     
     
      going
      to
      be
      looked
      back
      upon
      fondly?
     
    

    
     
      Ted
      Hughes
      once
      wrote,
      "Life
      isn't
      all
      beer
      and
      skittles;
      but
      beer
      and
      skittles,
      or
      something
      better
      of
      the
      same
     
     
      sort,
      must
      form
      a
      good
      part
      of
      every
      Englishman’s
      education."
      He
      wrote
      that
      in
      1857.1
      didn’t
      even
      know
      they
      had
     
     
      skittles
      way
      back
      then,
      but
      the
      point
      is
      well
      taken.
     
    

    
     
      Perhaps
      the
      real
      lesson
      here
      is,
      "the
      most
      valuable
      result
      of
      all
      education
      is
      ability
      to
      make
      yourself
      do
      the
     
     
      thing
      you
      have
      to
      do,
      when
      it
      ough
      to
      be
      done,
      whether
      you
      like
      it
      or
      not;
      it
      is
      the
      first
      lesson
      that
      ought
      to
      be
     
     
      learned,;
      and
      however
      early
      a
      man’s
      training
      begins,
      it
      is
      probably
      the
      last
      lesson
      that
      he
      learns
      thoroughly"
      (Thomas
     
     
      Henry
      Huxsley,
      1877).
      Maybe
      university
      really
      does
      prepare
      you
      for
      the
      real
      world;
      perhaps
      the
      worst
      is
      yet
      to
      come.
     
    

    
     
      But
      somehow
      I
      don’t
      think
      so.
      [
      think
      no
      matter
      what
      our
      plans
      are,
      no
      matter
      how
      much
      debt
      we’
      re
      now
      in,
     
     
      no
      matter
      how
      much
      an
      appetite
      for
      self-punishment
      we
      have,
      at
      least
      we'll
      never
      have
      to
      relive
      the
      past
      four
      years
     
     
      (and
      in
      the
      case
      of
      Adam
      Arsenault,
      the
      past
      seven
      years).
     
    

    
     
      So
      I
      leave
      you
      with
      the
      eternal
      words
      of
      some
      guy
      named
      Oliver
      Goldsmith:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Let
      schoolmasters
      puzzle
      their
      brain
     
    

    
     
      With
      grammar,
      and
      nonsense,
      and
      learning;
     
     
      Good
      liquor,
      I
      stoutly
      maintain,
     
    

    
     
      Gives
      genius
      a
      better
      discerning.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [17]