it
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      TESTING
      THE
      HYPOTHESIS
      THAT
      STORIES
     
     
      ARE
      NICER
      WHEN
      THEY
      END
      WITH
      TEA
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      MATTHEW
      DORRELL
     
    
   
   
    
     
      young
      boy,
      his
      parents
      would
      modestly
      brag,
      asking:
      is
      he
     
     
      not
      attractive?
      Quite
      attractive,
      was
      the
      usual
      reply.
     
    

    
     
      While
      a
      still
      a
      boy,
      but
      not
      as
      young,
      Jimmy
      developed
     
     
      a
      love
      of
      sniffing
      gasoline
      -
      one
      he
      shared
      with
      a
      neighbour-
     
     
      hood
      friend.
      One
      day
      Jimmy
      and
      his
      friend
      were
      floating
      hap-
     
     
      pily
      around
      Jimmy’s
      garage.
      Without
      thinking,
      his
      friend
      lit
      a
     
     
      cigarette
      while
      Jimmy
      was
      leaning
      over
      a
      gas
      can.
      A
      stray
     
     
      spark
      caught,
      and
      Jimmy’s
      face
      was
      enveloped
      in
      flames.
      The
     
     
      severe
      burns
      horribly
      disfigured
      Jimmy
      who
      lost
      the
      majority
     
     
      of
      his
      nose
      as
      a
      result
      of
      the
      accident.
     
    

    
     
      Even
      after
      extensive
      reconstructive
      surgery,
      he
      was
     
     
      still
      an
      unpleasant
      sight
      -a
      far
      cry
      from
      his
      formerly
      attractive
     
     
      self.
      He
      lost
      nearly
      all
      of
      his
      friends
      and
      never
      had
      a
      long
      term
     
     
      or
      successful
      relationship.
      Perhaps
      saddest
      of
      all
      was
      that
      his
     
     
      previously
      proud
      parents
      wanted
      little
      to
      do
      with
      him,
      unable
     
     
      to
      overcome
      their
      own
      revulsion
      at
      the
      sight
      of
      their
      formerly
     
     
      attractive
      son.
      Perhaps
      even
      sadder
      was
      that
      Jimmy
      did
      not
     
     
      live
      to
      see
      the
      movie
      The
      Man
      Without
      A
      Face
      starring,
      and
     
     
      directed
      by,
      Mel
      Gibson,
      which,
      had
      he
      seen
      it,
      would
      doubt-
     
     
      less
      have
      been
      of
      some
      comfort
      to
      him.
     
     
      However,
      many
      times
      before
      his
      death
      Jimmy
      would
      take
      a
      lit-
     
     
      tle
      comfort
      in
      a
      nice
      cup
      of
      herbal
      tea.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Joon
      was
      quite
      an
      attractive
      young
      boy.
      Look
      at
      our
     
    
   
   
    
     
      In
      a
      small,
      poor
      village,
      far
      away
      from
      here,
      there
      lived
     
     
      a
      woman,
      named
      Alice,
      with
      seven
      kids
      to
      care
      for.
      Her
      hus-
     
     
      band
      had
      been
      killed
      in
      the
      war,
      and
      she
      herself
      was
      unable
      to
     
     
      work
      because
      of
      a
      debilitating
      injury.
      It
      was
      very
      difficult
      for
     
     
      her
      to
      care
      for
      her
      young
      family
      -
      every
      day
      was
      a
      struggle.
     
     
      The
      family
      might
      not
      have
      been
      so
      badly
      off,
      except
      that
      in
     
     
      addition
      to
      her
      injury,
      the
      woman
      also
      had
      a
      severe
      addiction
     
     
      to
      gambling.
     
    

    
     
      Things
      became
      truly
      desperate
      when
      the
      government
     
     
      threatened
      to
      repossess
      the
      land
      upon
      which
      the
      family
      home
     
     
      sat,
      as
      Alice
      had
      not
      paid
      her
      taxes
      in
      many
      years.
      Not
      insen-
     
     
      sitive
      to
      her
      pleadings,
      the
      government
      granted
      her
      four
     
    
   
   
    
     
      months
      to
      find
      the
      money
      she
      needed,
      so
      Alice
      vowed
      not
      to
     
     
      spend
      another
      penny
      on
      gambling
      and,
      with
      the
      exception
      of
      a
     
     
      small
      lapse
      now
      and
      then,
      she
      managed
      to
      follow
      her
      plan.
     
    

    
     
      Despite
      her
      perseverance,
      on
      the
      night
      before
      the
      gov-
     
     
      ernment
      was
      to.
      take
      ownership
      of
      her
      land,
      Alice
      still
      did
      not
     
     
      have
      the
      money
      required
      to
      pay
      the
      taxes
      she
      owed.
      When
      she
     
     
      woke
      the
      next
      morning
      she
      was
      fraught
      with
      fear
      for
      her
      fam-
     
     
      ilies’
      future.
      As
      she
      prepared
      what
      little
      breakfast
      they
      were
      to
     
     
      have
      during
      what
      was
      to
      be
      their
      last
      morning
      in
      their
      home,
     
     
      Alice
      listened
      to
      the
      lottery
      numbers
      being
      drawn
      on
      the
      radio,
     
     
      as
      she
      did
      every
      morning.
      Amazed
      and
      astounded,
      she
      realized
     
     
      she
      had
      won!
      All
      the
      families’
      problems
      were
      solved!
      They
     
     
      could
      now
      pay
      their
      taxes
      and
      move
      into
      an
      even
      nicer
      home
     
     
      in
      a
      better
      neighbourhood!
      Money
      would
      never
      again
      be
      a
      con-
     
     
      cern.
      As
      Alice
      brewed
      herself
      a
      nice
      pot
      of
      strong,
      dark
      tea
      to
     
     
      celebrate
      her
      good
      fortune,
      she
      suddenly
      realized
      the
      last
      num-
     
     
      ber
      on
      her
      ticket
      was
      13,
      not
      15.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Reading
      in
      bed
      one
      night
      I
      decided
      that
      the
      overhead
     
     
      light
      was
      much
      too
      bright.
      I
      rose
      from
      bed
      to
      rectify
      the
      situa-
     
     
      tion.
      Upon
      switching
      off
      the
      overhead
      light,
      which
      was
      locat-
     
     
      ed
      by
      the
      door,
      the
      room
      was
      blanketed
      (more
      like
      enveloped
     
     
      really)
      by
      darkness.
      Not
      being
      able
      to
      see,
      I
      had
      to
      walk
      slow-
     
     
      ly
      towards
      the
      desk
      upon
      which
      my
      lamp
      rested,
      feeling
      in
     
     
      front
      of
      me
      for
      the
      said
      lamp.
      Normally
      my
      desk
      is
      situated
      at
     
     
      a
      level
      somewhat
      below
      the
      midsection.
      Being
      more
      or
      less
     
     
      immobile,
      and
      certainly
      not
      able
      to
      move
      of
      its
      own
      accord
      this
     
     
      was
      true
      at
      the
      time
      at
      which
      this
      story
      takes
      place,
      and
      is
      like-
     
     
      ly
      still
      true
      even
      as
      you
      read
      this.
      However,
      in
      searching
      for
      the
     
     
      lamp
      in
      the
      dark
      I
      was
      leaning
      and
      slightly
      crouched.
      Thus
      it
     
     
      came
      about
      that
      my
      groin
      met
      with
      the
      corner
      of
      the
      desk.
      Met
     
     
      with
      the
      corner
      of
      the
      desk
      somewhat
      forcefully.
      The
      desk
      did
     
     
      not
      give.
      I
      crumpled
      to
      the
      floor
      clutching
      myself
      and
      writhing
     
     
      in
      some
      amount
      of
      agony,
      crying
      like
      a
      small
      child.
      The
      next
     
     
      day
      I
      would
      recount
      the
      story
      to
      an
      uninterested
      and
      unsympa-
     
     
      thetic
      friend
      over
      a
      lukewarm
      mug
      of
      tea.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a;
     
     
      bs