. 7 Ci} - 
     
     v? ’”' t' 
     
    
   
   
    
     —Umfl SUN JAN 6 1983 _ . r _ 
     
     WAI. L—$TBEET-NEW$ 
     
    
   
   
    
     Contrary to what the 
     
    

    
     Engine-ears believe, 
     
    

    
     (as was revealed in 
     
    

    
     their recent column) Carlos 
     
     da Wetback is indeed an 
     
     Engine—ear and not an 
     
     Artsie in disguise. 
     
    

    
     This fact became appear- 
     
     ant to us, after the 
     
     findings of a select 
     
     committee sat up by the 
     
     Business Society to study 
     
     this imbicile exposed 
     
     these highlights of 
     
     their research. 
     
    

    
     The committee in charge 
     
     of determining the true 
     
     identity,of Carlos da 
     
     Wetback devised a com— 
     
     prehensive test in which 
     
     Carlos was sub‘iected to 
     
    

    
     To judge whether or 
     
     not Carlos was an Artsie, 
     
     the doe head was pranced 
     
     around various Arts 
     
     faculties and tested 
     
     accordingly. To meet the 
     
     English requirement Carlos 
     
     was asked to spell his 
     
     first name with urine on 
     
     the ashphalt in parking 
     
     lot B. Carlos failed 
     
     this incredibly by 
     
     neatly printing the letters 
     
     CRANS'ION. After this, 
     
     Carlos was tested on his 
     
     biological prowness. In 
     
     this excercise he was 
     
     instructed to pin the 
     
     various parts of the 
     
     human body on a chart. 
     
    

    
     He had almost fooled 
     
     everyone with his talent 
     
     except for the fact that 
     
     his chart resembled a man 
     
     that had teeth between 
     
     his legs, a lollipop in 
     
     his mouth, a green nose 
     
     and a warble on his thumb. 
     
    

    
     Next Carlos was asked 
     
     to write a 50 page term 
     
     paper for Political Science 
     
     discussing the merits of 
     
     Pierre Trudeau. However, 
     
     his report was declared 
     
     void after it was dis- 
     
     covered that he had 
     
     copied the entire script 
     
     of Steve Martin's The Jerk. 
     
    

    
     Following this, Carlos 
     
     was given a test to 
     
     evaluate his skills in 
     
     Classics. He was asked one 
     
     simple question. Who 
     
     wrote both the Odyssey 
     
     and the Iliad? His 
     
     reply, "dats easy, a 
     
     distant ancestor of 
     
     mine wrote it, Hallo. 
     
    

    
     Toward the end of the 
     
     day, Carlos looked weary 
     
     and tired, and it was 
     
     decided to test him in 
     
     two more areas. The 
     
     study cormittee took 
     
     Carlose up to the 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     Business Office where he ‘ 
     
     underwent and extensive 
     
     program to acertain his 
     
     skills as a businessman. 
     
    

    
     At this point it would 
     
     probably be more approp— 
     
     riate to print some of the 
     
     taped conversation that 
     
     was held with Carlos. 
     
    
   
   
    
     Clever Business Student: 
     
     "Carlos, if I were to 
     
     offer you either 10 
     
     cents or 5 cents for a 
     
     days work, which would 
     
     you take?" 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "Me would take 
     
     da nickle cause I already 
     
     have a dime." 
     
    

    
     C.B.S.: "Mr. da Wetback, 
     
     liabilities plus equities 
     
     equal what?" 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "Dats easy, I'm 
     
     one of those, an as-——le." 
     
     C.B.S.: "No Carlos they 
     
     are called assets." 
     
     Carlos: "Is that what I 
     
     am, an asset!" 
     
    

    
     C.B.S.: "No Carlos you are 
     
     a dink." 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "Okay. " 
     
    

    
     C.B.S.: "Carlos, do you 
     
     like money?" 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "NO." 
     
    

    
     C.B.S.: "Why?" 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "Cause money buys 
     
     food and I'd sooner bum." 
     
     C.B.S. " Carlos are you 
     
     stupid?" 
     
    

    
     Carlos: "Yup, and everyone 
     
     tells me so." 
     
    
   
   
    
     ...and so it became more 
     
     than evidnet by this, that 
     
     Carlos was definitly not 
     
     a business student. Well 
     
     then, what must that 
     
     walking idiot be? 
     
    
   
   
    
     The final test revealed the 
     
    
   
   
    
     truth. Carlos was taken 
     
    

    
     to the UPEI Barn where he 
     
     was promptly served 12 
     
    

    
     cold ones. Carlos 
     
     demonstrated in true fashion 
     
     that he was indeed comp— 
     
     osed of very strange matter. 
     
     From the Barn, the 
     
     committee and Carlos 
     
     pr0ceeded to the rink where 
     
     never before had such 
     
    

    
     a display of skating on 
     
     ankles been given. 
     
    

    
     There were tears of 
     
     sorrow as the true identity 
     
     of Carlos was emerging. 
     
    

    
     It was getting dark by 
     
     this time and Carlos 
     
     more than ever showed the 
     
     facial signs of a very 
     
     long day. 
     
    

    
     He was taken toward 
     
     Kelly Bldg, when suddenly 
     
    
   
   
    
     Carlos stopped in his tracks. 
     
    
   
   
    
     The committee was dumb- 
     
     founded as they glanced 
     
     at Carlos and saw him go 
     
     into a trance. He was 
     
    
   
   
    
     » lost vagrant home. 
     
    
   
   
    
     group silently entered the 
     
     Kelly Building to put the 
     
     finishing touches on 
     
     their policy presentations. 
     
     It should be noted that 
     
     this column has just 
     
     aquired Melvin Mac- Maka- , 
     
     Buck to carry on the 
     
     duties of the departed 
     
    
   
   
    
     staring directly at 
     
    

    
     Duffy and the array of 
     
     building blocks and toys 
     
     that were strewn outside 
     
     the door. Without missing 
     
     a stride Carlos lept in 
     
     full gallup toward the 
     
     toys. With a smile like 
     
     Erik Estrada and a gleam 
     
     in his eyes similar to 
     
     Rodney Dangerfield's, 
     
     Carlos had at last found 
     
     his old alma mater. ‘A 
     
     group of curious students 
     
     crowded around him with 
     
     levels and transisl-s in 
     
     hand and welcomed their 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
       
     
        
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     a \\\\‘\:\\\\c\ s\‘ \\ ‘ 
     
    
   
   
    
     It was a moment to be 
     
     cherished as the committee 
     
     had tears in its eyes. 
     
     Carlos had truly found his 
     
     borne. He was indeed an 
     
     engine—ear. 
     
    

    
     One can only guess what 
     
     took place in Duffy on that 
     
     cold winter day but the 
     
     committee had completed 
     
     their task. Tired and 
     
     satisfied that they had ' 
     
     reunited a complete 
     
     idiot with his rightful 
     
     scholastic friends, the 
     
    
   
   
    
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