FACT: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression “to get fired.” OPINION: Now if someone wants to get rid of someone without killing them they throw tennis balls at them during breakfast - hence the expression “get your balls out of my cereal.” FACT: Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt. OPINION: You don’t want to know how “Nibs” got their name. FACT: The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. OPINION: I always thought Roger Ebert used his thumb to say whether or not a movie was good, I had no idea he was a wife- beater. FACT: The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five ata must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. OPINION: The rest of the roads are gay. FACT: Cat’s urine glows under a black light. OPINION: Dog piss sparkles under the moonlight. It reminds me of your eyes. FACT: In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. OPINION: It’s so backwards in Cleveland that it’s also illegal to operate a car without a drivers license and murdering people is also against the law. FACT: Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. OPINION: They’ re probably unhappy because they married people who hate sunsets and long walks on the beach. FACT: Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars. OPINION: That’s why the Hamburglar steals burgers instead of jacking cars. FACT: It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. OPINION: I know this for a fact because I have twenty cows in my attic. because it can be used to light things other than cigarettes. FACT: Ten percent of the Russian government’s income is derived from the sale of vodka. OPINION: Russian is not a real language. It is actually the slurred English of a bunch of alcoholics. FACT: Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. OPINION: Surprisingly the most successful Jell-O flavor was creamed corn. FACT: On average, 100 people choke to FACT: The average death on ballpoint pens human eats 8 spiders in every year. their lifetime while OPINION: The pen sleeping at night. may be mightier than OPINION: And I thought I was only dreaming when | ate those spiders. I wonder if that dream where I’m naked Russian is not areal while writing a language. It | vine. where are is actually the| ™y pants? slurred FACT: The shortest English of a | jeween Zarsivar bunch of | Penzivar surrendered alcoholics. after 38 minutes. OPINION: If they used Viagra it might the sword, but He-Man _have lasted up to four would look like an idiot —_ hours. if he tried to shove a Bic down Skeletor’s FACT: Donald Duck throat. comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants. OPINION: Donald FACT: Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Duck was banned from Average age of the the Navy for similar Rolling Stones: 50.6. reasons. OPINION: When GM executives say FACT: If the “corporate merger” population of China they’re really talking walked past you in about screwing their single file, the line groupies. would never end because of the rate of FACT: The cigarette reproduction. lighter was invented OPINION: The before the match. Chinese get their “freak OPINION: The match _— on” in line ups. is light-years ahead of the cigarette lighter Ey 2 FACT: A dentist invented the electric chair. OPINION: The sadistic bastards practically invented pain. The chair was originally used to kill the patient so the doctor could steal his fillings. FACT: The Boston University Bridge is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. OPINION: Nuts to that. I bet the trolls under that bridge are super tough. FACT: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. OPINION: Puff Daddy only has one. FACT: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. OPINION: By the time most people are fifty they resemble elephants. FACT: If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human’s neck, OPINION: If Ken were life-size he’d still have no penis. FACT: No word in the English language rhymes with month. OPINION: That’s why rappers target women instead of calendars. The word “hoe” rhymes with practically anything. FACT: It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. OPINION: It takes two gallons of water to wash the rancid taste out of your mouth. FACT: Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. OPINION: That’s why he’s considered a hero. Most people don’t even realize that he used to play basketball. FACT: The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. OPINION: A Super- Soaker water gun has enough pressure to pump human blood 550 feet. FACT: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. OPINION: So it’s okay to have sex with a dolphin. They like it too. FACT: You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? OPINION: I keep my champagne bottles sealed with poisonous spiders to be on the safe side.