UPEI SUN Jan. 13,1983 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     THE GOSPEL PCGDRDING 
     
     'IO SAINI‘ CRANSTON 
     
    
   
   
    
     BOOK 3: THEFILDD 
     
    
   
   
    
     Thousands of years ago,it 
     
    

    
     came to pass that the Lord 
     
     spake unto Saint Cranston, say— 
     
     ing,"I have made a decision. 
     
     There are too many lesser be— 
     
     ings in existence, and so there 
     
     shalt be a mighty flood. And 
     
    

    
     it shall rain for forty days 
     
     and forty nights, and the lesser 
     
     beings wilt drown, for they 
     
     know not how to swhn." 
     
    

    
     And the good Saint Crans— 
     
     ton didst know who He was ref— 
     
     erring to such lesser beings 
     
     as Biologists, Business Students 
     
     and Artsies. He was not ref— 
     
     erring to amoebe, plankton, or 
     
     bacteria, for they were not 
     
     quite so low. 
     
    

    
     Then Saint Cranston didst 
     
     speak, asking Hinlwhat the ' 
     
     engineers were to do..And the ‘ 
     
     Iors didst smile,and say, 
     
    

    
     "Fear not, for the engineers 
     
     will survive. Thou shalt build 
     
     me an arc, and it shall be 
     
     large enough to hold all the 
     
     engineers, the nurses,the bar 
     
     tenders, and two of each type 
     
     of animal: two sheep, two 
     
    

    
     cows, two pigs, two biologists, 
     
     two artsies, two business 
     
     students." 
     
    

    
     And here Saint Cranston 
     
     didst forget hflnself and 
     
     interrupt God. He was curious, 
     
     and didst ask,"But why wouldst 
     
     thou have Biologists and Art— 
     
     sies and Business Students 
     
     accompany us?" 
     
    

    
     And the Lord in his infin— 
     
     ite patience, explained, 
     
    

    
     "Thou shalt need them to clean 
     
     the toilets, Cranston." And 
     
     Saint Cranston said "Of course." 
     
    

    
     So saint Cranston spoke to 
     
     hid good friend (and fellow 
     
     engineer) Noah, and ask his 
     
    
   
   
    
     help in building the arc. 
     
    

    
     Thus, Saint Cranston and Noah, 
     
    

    
     with the help of all the other 
     
    

    
     engineers, didst build the 
     
    

    
     arc before the rain didst begin. 
     
     The BIologists complained, 
     
    

    
     that there weren't enough 
     
    

    
     white rats. The Business 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     THE 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     Students said the arc wasn't 
     
     economically feasible,and,of 
     
     course, the ArtSies were just 
     
     confused. That is why most of 
     
     them drowned. v 
     
     And the forty days and 
     
     forty nights didst passwith 
     
     out incident(except for the 
     
     biologist who tried to disect 
     
     himself). As the flood waters 
     
     subsided one of the engineers 
     
     didst site some floating 
     
     bottles. And lo and behold, they 
     
     hadst found the barn. And 
     
     yea, verily, the brew was ' 
     
     indeed good. 
     
    
   
   
    
     — St. Cranston 
     
    
   
   
    
     Dear Mom and Dad, 
     
    

    
     Hi. Sorry I hadn't 
     
     written yet but I've been 
     
     awfully busy. well, my final 
     
     year at U.P.E.I. is almost 
     
     through and I've begun to plan 
     
     my next two years at T.U.N.S. 
     
     YOu know I've done really 
     
     well in my three years here—— 
     
     I've managed to stay off the 
     
     Dean's List for the last 
     
     five semestres—— so I would 
     
     like to continue my studies 
     
     and get my degree. Anyway, 
     
    

    
     I might be in need of a little 
     
     financial assistance so I've 
     
     enclosed an outline of my pro- 
     
     jected expences next year. I 
     
     figure I won't be able to save 
     
     any of it because I'm going 
     
     to Europe for the sunnem'but 
     
     I'd appreciate it if you'll 
     
     have the money ready in 
     
     cheque fonn when I get home. 
     
     Thank you. . 
     
     YOur loving son, 
     
     Cranston Snord 
     
    
   
   
    
     P.S. If you need any sug_ 
     
    
   
   
    
     gestions for my graduating 
     
     present, I need a new 
     
     tacirnmfixm for my Ferrari. 
     
    
   
   
    
     C.S.'s HOME HEALTH HINTS: 
     
     Make your own pregnancy test— 
     
     ing kit 
     
    
   
   
    
     YOu'll need: 7‘ 
     
    

    
     l) A ruler 
     
    

    
     2) A piece of string big— 
     
     ger than your normal waist 
     
     size. To be on the safe side 
     
     check the length by pulling 
     
     the chord out of saneone 
     
     else's pajamas and laying the 
     
    
   
   
    
     .ENGINEER'S ' 
     
    
   
   
    
          
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     Biawczxw ' 5 
     
    
   
   
    
     increasing the national 
     
     incidence of necrophil— 
     
     ism without any of the 
     
     associated social stigma. 
     
     As we have already stated 
     
     we have yet to recieve 
     
     any complaints frtnlany of 
     
     our users. God rest thier 
     
     souls. Take two tylenols 
     
    
   
   
    
     two side by side on the bath- 
     
     Irxnlfloor. 
     
    

    
     3) A paper and pencil 
     
     what to do: 
     
    

    
     Before sex measure your 
     
     midrift using the string and 
     
     the ruler(see above). Record 
     
     the results on a piece of 
     
    

    
     and store sanewhere _ 
     
     §:¥:f Repeat the same proc— and call us in the 
     
     edure after sex, and subtr— afterlife. 
     
     act the two figures. The _i_.________________‘w , 
     
     answer should be zero. Cont— i ' 
     
     inue the measurements daily, ‘ 
     
     plotting the results on a graph: 
     
     a consistent rise in waist l 
     
     size over a period of months ‘ ~ _ 
     
     tells you what you need to ; 
     
     knOW.  
     
    
   
   
    
     a » 
     
    
   
   
    
         
     
    
   
   
    
     c. C.Snord 1983 
     
    
   
   
    
     I 
     
     New from Johnson and Johnson, ' _ g5? 
     
     New Improved and Extra Strenr 4% h. 
     
     th Tylonol. Our labs have ‘¢KE?§JFFEIIWQ -T'HEE 
     
     been working on tackling _ Topfi. 
     
    
   
   
    
     the problens posed by the mod— 
     
     ern.migraine, and we feel that g 
     
    
   
   
    
     we have found the final sol— ': <::' a 
     
     ution. Field tests have ‘  of the; 
     
     WEEK ' 
     
    
   
   
    
     shown an effective cure rate 
     
     of 100% of both the head— 
     
     ache and all other physio— ; 
     
    
   
   
    
     logical problens for the 
     
     entire Chicago control 
     
     group. All candidates com- 
     
     mented that the new fonnula 3 
     
     dissolved quickly, and act-r ‘ 
     
     ually swiftly. Furthermore, 
     
    
   
   
    
     '3 JOHNNY MacnoucAu 
     
    
   
   
    
     why~ 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
     Clinical autopsies showed no ~'—'——-’ 
     
     evidence of intestinal bleed- - 
     
    

    
     ing or inflamation. The new _,__ u . 2/ 
     
     formula combines the proven fi/J%;;T7 
     
     effectiveness of ASA with - Vei 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
        
     
          
     
    
   
   
    
     ‘\\\\\\‘ 
     
    
   
   
    
     C; 
     
    
   
   
    
     .‘O 
     
    
   
   
    
     the Jonestown Punch active - 
     
     redients (the ones that rel- 
     
     ieved an entire cannunity 
     
     of its woes). Our modified 
     
     crnmxnnxi has the added bonus 
     
     of reducing the numbers of 
     
     divorces and sflmultaneouSly 
     
    
   
   
    
     CUT our AND use AS NECESSARY 
     
    
   
   
    
           
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
        
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     REGlsTER to 
     
     HAtMmmeAC CARD 
     
    
   
   
    
      WARMIN' G 3 
     
     ¥ Trus MAN. \5 ABLE-Em. 
     
     Do NOT PUNCH HM OR OTHERWISE. 
     
     ‘ DAMAGL mm, “5.3.92.0st ON A nan-r 
     
     COLORED mpg-r, - 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
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