Awards
      Show
      +
      Alcohol
      =
      Entertainment:
     
     
      ;
      Exhibit
      A—The
      Brit
      Awards
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Marianne
      DOWLING
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Remember
      a
      few
      years
      ago
      at
     
     
      the
      Grammy
      Awards,
      when
      a
      skinny,
     
     
      shirtless
      man
      ran
      onstage
      and
      started
     
     
      dancing
      during
      Bob
      Dylan’s
      set?
      Or
     
     
      how
      about
      when
      OI’
      Dirty
      Bastard
     
    
   
   
    
     
      wobbled
      to
      the
      mic
      during
      Shawn
      >
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Colvin’s
      acceptance
      speech
      to
      express
     
     
      his
      disgust
      over
      losing
      to
      Puff
      Daddy?
     
     
      (I
      hear
      you
      O.D.B:
      Wu-Tang
      really
      is
     
     
      for
      the
      children.)
     
    

    
     
      Although
      these
      unplanned
     
     
      events
      do
      add
      some
      spice
      to
      a
      usually
     
     
      very
      boring
      event,
      they
      pale
      in
      com-
     
     
      parison
      to
      the
      hooliganism
      and
      tom-
     
     
      foolery
      that
      occurs
      annually
      at
      the
      tel-
     
     
      evised
      circus,
      the
      spectacle
      of
      all
     
     
      spectacles
      known
      as
      The
      Brit
      Awards.
     
    

    
     
      Where
      most
      awards
      shows
     
     
      would
      see
      the
      actions
      of
      O.D.B.
      and
     
     
      Bob’s
      dancing
      partner
      as
      small
      glitch-
     
     
      es
      in
      an
      otherwise
      well-orchestrated
     
     
      event,
      The
      Brit
      Awards
      are
      usually
     
     
      one
      big
      glitch
      with
      a
      few
      moments
      of
     
     
      calm
      at
      the
      beginning
      while
      the
     
     
      Gallagher
      brothers
      wait
      for
      the
     
     
      Guinness
      to
      kick
      in.
      But
      from
      that
     
     
      point
      on,
      the
      Brit
      Awards
      lives
      up
      to
     
     
      its
      reputation
      as
      one
      of
      the
      most
      out
      of
     
     
      control,
      insane,
      and
      ridiculous
      award.
     
     
      shows
      in
      the
      Western
      world.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Fiesta.
      OS
      EE
      et
      ee
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘Westlife
      were
      there
      in'2002.~
      ©
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sweet
      Tooth
      were
      never
      there.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      reason
      for
      this
      madness?
     
     
      Egotistical,
      cocky,
      British
      rock,
      pop,
     
     
      and
      hip-hop
      stars
      given
      endless
     
     
      rounds
      of
      beer,
      champagne,
      and
      hard
     
     
      liquor.
      Here
      are
      just
      some
      of
      the
     
     
      results:
     
    

    
     
      1996
      Brits:
      A
      drunk
      Jarvis
     
     
      Cocker
      of
      Pulp
      runs
      on
      stage
      with
     
     
      Michael
      Jackson,
      accidentally
      bumps
     
     
      into
      a
      small
      child
      in
      Jackson’s
      chorus,
     
     
      moons
      the
      audience,
      is
      tackled
      by
     
     
      security,
      and
      hauled
      off
      to
      spend
      the
     
     
      night
      in
      jail.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      1999
      Brits:
      One-hit
      wonders
     
     
      Chumbawumba
      pour
      a
      cooler
      full
      of
     
     
      ice
      water
      over
      a
      British
      politician
      in
     
     
      protest
      for
      the
      layoff
      of
      English
     
     
      “dockers.”
     
    

    
     
      2001
      Brits:
      Ronnie
      Wood
      of
     
     
      the
      Rolling
      Stones
      is
      ambushed
      by
      a
     
     
      drunk
      audience
      member
      who
      shouts
      at
     
     
      him
      and
      tries
      to
      throw
      his
      beer
      on
      him.
     
    

    
     
      Once
      again,
      these
      are
      only
     
     
      some
      of
      the
      highlights
      I’ve
      selected
      to
     
     
      illustrate
      my
      point.
      There
      are,
      of
     
     
      course,
      just
      too
      many
      drunken/stoned
     
    
   
   
    
     
      *
      one
      ph
      Sees
      oay.Jacko
      was
      there
      in
      1996.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      acceptance
      speeches,
      disses,
      and
      rude
     
     
      gestures
      to
      mention
      in
      one
      article.
     
    

    
     
      I
      suppose,
      as
      a
      Canadian,
      The
     
     
      Brits
      fascinate
      me.
      I’m
      more
      accus-
     
     
      tomed
      to
      the
      proper,
      slow-paced
     
     
      award
      shows
      that
      keep
      dragging
      on
     
     
      for
      hours,
      where
      Jennifer
      Lopez’s
     
     
      dress
      is
      the
      highlight.
      I
      dread
      awards
     
     
      shows
      normally,
      but
      when
      the
      Brits
     
     
      come
      around
      I,
      well,
      I
      watch
      them.
     
     
      True,
      they’re
      rude
      and
      shameless,
      but
     
     
      they
      keep
      me
      entertained
      from
      start
      to
     
     
      finish—no
      small
      feat.
     
    

    
     
      My
      advice
      to
      the
      organizers
      of
     
     
      the
      Grammys,
      American
      Music
     
     
      Awards,
      People’s
      Choice,
      Billboard
     
     
      Awards,
      and
      Junos?
      Stock
      up
      the
      alco-
     
     
      hol
      and
      distribute
      it
      generously.
      It
     
     
      may
      be
      scary
      to
      see
      Faith
      Hill
      and
     
     
      Celine
      Dion
      drunk
      off
      their
      asses
      at
     
     
      first,
      but
      after
      you
      see
      your
      ratings,
     
     
      you
      won’t
      want
      to
      have
      it
      any
      other
     
     
      way.
     
    

    
     
      I
      heard
      that
      last
      week,
      at
      the
     
     
      2002
      Brit
      Awards,
      members
      of
     
     
      Westlife
      got
      into
      a
      scuffle
      with
      some
     
     
      other
      band.
      I
      don’t
      really
      know
      with
     
     
      whom,
      but
      I
      don’t
      care.
      It’s
      just
      nice
     
     
      to
      know
      that
      the
      tradition
      continues.