The
      Adventures
      of
      Drunken
      Dragon
     
     
      by
      Marc
      MacDONALD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      LocaTION:
      The
      Panther
      Lounge,
      The
     
     
      Barn.
     
    

    
     
      COVER
      CHARGE:
      Zero,
      unless
      there
      is
      a
     
     
      band.
     
    

    
     
      WHAT
      YOU
      MIGHT
      FIND:
      Karaoke,
      local
     
     
      music,
      movies,
      trivia,
      cover
      bands.
     
     
      PROBLEM:
      It’s
      dark,
      dingy,
      old,
      uncom-
     
     
      fortable,
      and
      I
      hate
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      First
      of
      all,
      let
      me
      say
      that
      I
     
     
      hate
      The
      Barn.
      Always
      have,
      always
     
     
      will.
      It
      was
      actually
      used
      as
      a
      fucking
     
     
      barn
      for
      the
      vet
      college
      at
      one
      time.
     
     
      Why
      it
      has
      remained
      our
      student
      union
     
     
      building
      for
      the
      past
      thirty
      years,
      I’ll
     
     
      never
      know.
      I
      will
      personally
      volunteer
     
     
      my
      time
      to
      assist
      in
      its
      destruction,
      with
     
     
      a
      pick,
      axe,
      or
      Nerf
      gun
      in
      hand
      when
     
     
      the
      time
      comes.
      Other
      than
      the
      fact
      that
     
     
      my
      parents
      may
      have
      met
      there
      while
      at
     
     
      UPEI
      (and
      quite
      possibly
      conceived
      the
     
     
      Drunken
      Dragon
      there)
      I
      feel
      no
      con-
     
     
      nection
      to
      the
      building
      at
      all.
     
    

    
     
      1
      have
      been
      going
      to
      school
     
     
      here
      for
      four
      years
      and
      have
      only
      been
     
     
      to
      the
      Panther
      Lounge
      a
      handful
      of
     
     
      times.
      I’ve
      enjoyed
      myself
      there
      a
      cou-
     
     
      ple
      times,
      but
      something
      just
      bugs
      me
     
     
      about
      the
      place.
      My
      first
      problem
      is
      the
     
     
      venue.
      This
      is
      not
      really
      the
      fault
      of
      the
     
     
      Student
      Union,
      since
      they
      have
      been
     
     
      asking
      for
      a
      new
      student
      center
      since
     
     
      sometime
      in
      between
      Moses’s
      exodus
     
     
      from
      Egypt
      and
      Jesus’s
      birth.
      But
      fuck,
     
     
      the
      bar
      there
      sucks
      ass.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      had
      fun
      watching
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Since
      there’s
      no
      trains
      in
      Char’town,
      I’m
      taggin’
      the
      fuckin’
      Barn.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Mechanicals
      or
      Windom
      Earle
      rock
      the
     
     
      house
      there,
      and
      I
      slamdanced
      and
     
     
      punched
      the
      ceiling
      during
      a
      few
      Flush
     
     
      shows.
      I
      even
      had
      the
      chance
      to
      hold
      a
     
     
      mic
      and
      spit
      some
      lyrics
      during
      a
      show
     
     
      Coolbreeze
      put
      on
      last
      summer.
      I
      shook
     
     
      my
      stankin’
      ass
      (sometimes
      completely
     
     
      on
      the
      solo
      tip)
      while
      Pip
      Skid,
      Buck
     
     
      65,
      the
      Raskalz
      and
      Kardinal
      Official
     
     
      each
      rocked
      the
      mic
      at
      the
      Ranch
      ...
      I
     
     
      mean
      the
      Barn
      on
      different
      occasions.
     
     
      These
      were
      kick-ass
      times
      and
      they
      will
     
     
      remain
      among
      my
      fondest
      memories
      of
     
     
      UPEI.
      However,
      I
      still
      hate
      the
      fucking
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      HOLY
      CRAP!
      0
     
    
   
   
    
     
      3
      Holy
      Crap!
      Does
      T.Balls.Com
      have
      enough
      room
      to
      finish
      the
      sentence?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sine.
      ite
      in
      hited
      el
      anal
      ile
      die
      ls
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ree)
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      ee
      Rite
      ak,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      place.
     
    

    
     
      It’s
      dark,
      smells
      bad,
      and
      the
     
     
      few
      chairs
      they
      have
      are
      uncomfortable.
     
     
      It
      is
      often
      either
      way
      too
      crowded
      or
     
     
      virtually
      empty.
      Many
      of
      the
      regulars
     
     
      are
      in
      attendance
      no
      matter
      who
      is
      play-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ing.
      This
      kind
      of
      support
      is
      good,
      but
      I
     
    
   
   
    
     
      have
      also
      noticed
      that
      many
      of
      them
     
     
      seem
      to
      remain
      in
      their
      chairs
      the
      entire
     
     
      night,
      which
      sucks
      for
      whomever’s
      per-
     
     
      forming.
      The
      layout
      of
      the
      building
      is
     
     
      weird;
      the
      bathrooms
      smell
      during
     
     
      shows
      and
      never
      seem
      to
      be
      cleaned.
     
     
      Sometimes
      promoters
      will
      put
      on
      all-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~~
      Conceived
      in
      tha
      Barn.
      Raised
      in
      H
     
    
   
   
    
     
      is]
      }
      Ow
      2insisbG
      Zt
      LBPEMISD
      6
      STUD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ages
      shows,
      which
      is
      good
      because
      a
      lot
     
     
      of
      UPEI’s
      campus
      consists
      of
      underage
     
     
      freshmen
      and
      freshwomen.
      The
      only
     
     
      problem
      is
      that
      upstairs
      sucks
      worse
     
     
      than
      the
      downstairs.
      :
     
     
      Now
      I
      know
      I
      am
      hating
      here
     
     
      and
      some
      of
      y’all
      love
      The
      Barn,
      but
      I
     
     
      am
      glad
      our
      class
      of
      2002
      is
      the
      last
      to
     
     
      graduate
      with
      the
      Bizzarn
      as
      our
      frig-
     
     
      gin’
      student
      center.
      To
      me,
      the
      building
     
     
      is
      not
      the
      only
      problem.
      The
      mindset
      of
     
     
      its
      operators
      over
      the
      past
      few
      years
     
     
      annoys
      me
      as
      well.
      I
      discussed
      with
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      past
      president
      whether
      or
      not
      the
      new
     
    
   
   
    
     
      building
      would
      have
      a
      DJ
      booth.
      The
     
     
      answer
      was
      negative.
      The
      bartenders
     
     
      usually
      play
      whack
      jock
      rap-metal
      shit
     
     
      way
      too
      loud.
      If
      the
      operations
      manager
     
     
      knew
      what
      he
      was
      doing,
      a
      DJ
      would
      be
     
     
      spinning
      tunes
      at
      the
      new
      bar,
      not
      a
      disc
     
     
      changer
      or
      satellite
      broadcast.
     
    

    
     
      Most
      of
      the’bar’s
      patrons
      live
     
     
      on
      or
      very
      close
      to
      campus.
      It’s
      too
      cold
     
     
      and
      expensive
      for
      them
      to
      travel
      down-
     
     
      town
      to
      dance.
      They
      have
      no
      choice
      but
     
     
      to
      go
      to
      Myron’s,
      however,
      because
      the
     
     
      Barn
      plays
      almost
      exclusively
      shitty
     
     
      Top
      40
      music.
      Some
      people
      just
      can’t
     
     
      groove
      to
      that.
      If
      the
      bar
      would
      play
     
     
      good
      dance,
      house,
      trip-hop,
      and
      hip-
     
     
      hop
      on
      certain
      nights,
      then
      they
      might
     
     
      be
      able
      to
      keep
      the
      place
      packed.
     
     
      Replacing
      The
      Barn
      with
      a
      new
      build-
     
     
      ing
      is
      a
      good
      step,
      but
      now
      they
      have
      to
     
     
      work
      on
      keeping
      students
      happy
      with
     
     
      decent
      music.
      ;
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I.
      Drunken
      4
      life.
      —
     
    
   
   
    
     
      bot
      oN
     
     
      02
      AIOW
      110
      ADI
      BH
      Gvbit
      es
      AhteAvs