THE
      DREAM
      by
      Brian
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It
      was
      a
      dark
      and
      stormy
      night
      in
      the
      year
      1991.
      I
     
     
      was
      sitting
      at
      my
      desk
      in
      Marian
      Hall
      when
      the
      lights
     
     
      wentout.
      AsI
      got
      up
      [tripped
      over
      my
      dog
      and
     
     
      sprained
      my
      ankle.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      When
      I
      woke
      up,
      I
      was
      in
      Kentucky.
      I
      heard
      the
     
     
      telephone
      ringing
      sol
      answered
      it.
      Itwasa
      low
     
     
      raspy
      voice
      you
      would
      expect
      to
      hear
      ina
      story
      like
     
     
      this.
      ‘‘
      You
      dirty
      little
      fart,’’
      he
      said,
      ‘‘I’m
      gonna
     
     
      kill
      you!!!’
      Then
      the
      line
      went
      dead.
      I
      was
      lost
     
     
      ind
      asked
      a
      travelling
      cookie
      salesman
      for
      directions.
     
     
      He
      said
      that
      I
      should
      go
      back
      to
      sleep
      and
      I
      would
      end
     
     
      ip
      in
      Venice
      unless
      somebody
      killed
      me
      first.
      I
     
     
      hanked
      him
      and
      went
      to
      sleep.
      WhenI
      woke
      up!
     
     
      was
      ina
      gondola.
      I
      fell
      out
      of
      the
      boat
      and
      would
     
     
      ave
      drowned
      if
      a
      friendly
      sewer-dwarf
      hadn’t
      helped
     
     
      ne.
      It
      gave
      mea
      magic
      book.
      Everything
      after
      that
     
     
      s
      sort
      of
      foggy.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      awoke
      ona
      strange
      island.
      Since
      I
      had
      the
      magic
     
     
      ook,
      they
      had
      to
      give
      me
      the
      chief’s
      hat.
      When
      I
     
     
      jicked
      up
      the
      hat
      I
      felt
      a
      surge
      of
      nausea
      flow
      through
     
     
      ne.
      There
      was
      a
      flash
      of
      light,
      and
      I
      was
      in
      Beverly
     
     
      lills.
      “‘Holey-moley,’’
      I
      said,
      ‘‘thisis
      wacky!’’
      I
     
     
      eard
      strange
      noises,
      so
      I
      hid
      behind
      an
      empty
      fish
     
     
      ank.
      When
      I
      peeked
      out
      there
      was
      a
      whole
      flock
      of
     
     
      jant
      sea-turtles.
      I
      screamed
      and
      they
      turned
      to
     
     
      harge
      me.
      Luckily
      I
      had
      my
      trusty
      shoe
      with
      me.
      I
     
     
      poled
      it
      out
      and
      said
      the
      magic
      word
     
     
      Ladadidadodido’’
      and
      then
      I
      threw
      ir
      at
      them
      and
     
     
      an.
      When
      I
      looked
      back
      they
      were
      still
      recovering
     
     
      om
      my
      little
      diversion.
      I
      ducked
      into
      a
      movie
     
     
      dio
      sound
      stage.
      They
      were
      filming
      the
      greatest
     
     
      1ovie
      of
      alltime,
      Star
      Wars.
      I
      yelled
      ‘‘Help!!!
     
     
      uke
      Skywalker,
      save
      me!!!’’
      Just
      then
      a
      giant
      X-
     
     
      /ing
      fighter
      flew
      around
      the
      corner,
      It
      was
      Luke.
     
     
      ducked
      inside
      a
      building.
      It
      was
      the
      set
      for
      Lassie.
     
     
      8
      |
      was
      closing
      the
      door,
      a
      little
      puppy
      tried
      to
      bite
     
     
      leg
      off.
      Itchased
      me
      throughout
      the
      set.
      I
      was
     
     
      Owing
      down
      to
      turn
      a
      corner
      when
      ran
      into
      some-
     
     
      ody.
      I
      fell
      and
      hit
      my
      ear
      on
      the
      floor.
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
         
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
         
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
         
     
     
         
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘hen
      I
      woke
      up,
      I
      was
      in
      Moscow
      in
      the
      middle
      of
     
     
      ed
      Square
      at
      the
      grand
      opening
      of
      Myron’s.
      Ofall
     
     
      \¢
      people
      in
      Russia,
      |
      met
      Gorbachev,
      who
      was
      there
     
     
      See
      if
      they
      had
      any
      whole-wheat
      bread,
      We
      hada
     
     
      jeat
      talk
      and
      then
      went
      out
      for
      chicken.
      The
      fun
     
     
      ist
      didn’t
      stop
      and
      we
      went
      ona
      tour
      of
      the
      local
     
    

    
     
      n
      il
      factory.
      Some
      time
      after
      that,
      we
      went
      to
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      private
      warehouse
      of
      the
      Kremlin
      and
      got
      into
      the
     
     
      finest
      Russian
      hamburgers,
      which
      weren’t
      very
      good.
     
     
      When
      I
      said
      ‘‘You’re
      pink!’’,
      they
      gotreally
      mad.
     
     
      For
      this
      I
      was
      sent
      to
      Pittsburgh.
      They
      were
      all
     
     
      ready
      to
      make
      me
      watch
      Star
      Trek
      when
      the
      fire
      alarm
     
     
      went
      off
      in
      a
      nearby
      laboratory,
      so
      they
      locked
      me
      in
     
     
      a
      room
      with
      Luciano
      Pavarotti
      instead.
      Things
      got
     
     
      worse
      when
      he
      started
      to
      sing.
      He
      sang
      too
      high
      and
     
     
      exploded.
      I
      was
      sent
      flying
      and
      landed
      in
      Chicago.
     
     
      Of
      all
      the
      people
      on
      the
      planet
      Zilch,
      I
      met
      Ziggy,
     
     
      who
      was
      now
      a
      baseball
      owner.
      We
      went
      to
      find
     
     
      some
      smoke
      bombs
      fora
      party
      that
      Zilch
      was
      having.
     
     
      Before
      the
      party,
      he
      took
      me
      to
      meet
      the
      rest
      of
      the
     
     
      gang,
      Pfill,
      Pfarr,
      Essex,
      and
      Thomas-Quigley.
      We
     
     
      all
      went
      to
      a
      Perry
      Como
      concert
      and
      on
      our
      way
      to
     
     
      the
      party,
      a
      kangaroo
      jumped
      out
      and
      spat
      at
      us.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      When
      I
      woke
      up
      my
      head
      was
      throbbing
      and
      I
      was
      in
     
     
      Sudbury.
      Everything
      was
      spinning
      and
      I
      could
      see
     
     
      pink
      lollipops.
      ThenI
      hauled
      out
      my
      trusty
      Webley-
     
     
      Vickers
      50-80
      and
      shouted
      ‘‘Vile
      suckers,
      be
      gone
      or
     
     
      Ill
      blow
      the
      @$%*
      &!!!
      out
      of
      ya!!!’
      There
      was
      a
     
     
      flash
      of
      speed.
      One
      of
      them
      had
      actually
      turned
      into
     
     
      Tina
      Turner’s
      press
      agent.
      I
      took
      one
      look
      and
      ran.
     
     
      The
      lollipops
      were
      after
      me.
      I
      jumped
      over
      the
     
     
      Berlin
      Wall
      and
      landed
      in
      a
      giant
      stew
      pot.
      The
     
     
      lollipops
      caughtup
      withme.
      Their
      leader
      said
      ‘*
      You
     
     
      have
      disturbed
      the
      sacred
      crypt
      of
      Jill.
      For
      this,
      you
     
     
      are
      being
      sent
      to
      the
      studios
      of
      Front
      Page
      Challenge,
     
     
      to
      die!!!’’
      Then
      someone
      kicked
      me
      in
      the
      funnybone
     
     
      with
      achainsaw.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      When
      I
      woke
      up
      I
      wasin
      Toronto.
      A
      giant
      fly
     
     
      landed
      next
      to
      me
      and
      asked
      if
      I
      would
      like
      to
      play
      a
     
     
      shoe
      in
      the
      upcoming
      movie,
      Joe
      the
      Shoemaker:
      a
     
     
      Family
      Adventure.
      I
      thought
      that
      that
      was
      a
      good
     
     
      idea,
      so
      off
      we
      went.
      Since
      I
      was
      so
      cool,
      I
      got
      to
     
     
      meet
      the
      star
      of
      Different
      Stars
      Every
      Week.
      We
     
     
      started
      off
      well
      enough,
      and
      lost
      track
      of
      time.
      All
     
     
      of
      asudden
      he
      jumped
      up
      and
      roared
      ‘‘You
      made
      mea
     
     
      star
      you
      no-good
      waste
      basket!!!’”
      Then
      he
      punched
     
     
      me
      in
      the
      nose
      and
      knocked
      me
      out.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      When!
      woke
      up,
      Freddy
      Kreuger
      was
      standing
      over
     
     
      me.
      I
      said
      ‘*Hellothere
      Burny!’’
      andthenTran.
      |
     
     
      ducked
      into
      a
      bathroom
      and
      grabbed
      a
      mirror.
      When
     
     
      Fred
      caught
      up
      to
      me,
      I
      held
      out
      the
      mirror.
      He
      got
     
     
      so
      scared
      that
      he
      ran
      away.
      Then
      Gladys,
      the
      movie
     
     
      director,
      started
      screaming
      at
      me
      for
      ruining
      the
     
     
      whole
      scene.
      She
      yelled
      *‘KawabungaAAAA!!!”’
      and
     
     
      karate
      chopped
      me
      on
      the
      finger
      nail
      and
      everything
     
     
      faded
      to
      black.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      November
      21,1991
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Pase
      3