UNWRITTEN
      RULES
      OF
      MALE
     
     
      BATHROOM
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By:
      Adam
      Maclsaac
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ok,
      so
      I
      thought
      that
      this
     
     
      was
      a
      topic
      that
      most
      males
      knew
     
     
      about
      but
      due
      to
      my
      recent
      experi-
     
     
      ence
      at
      The
      Wave
      during
      the
     
     
      Humor
      Us
      comedy
      night
      I
      have
     
     
      decided
      that
      this
      information
      should
     
     
      be
      made
      available
      to
      the
      public.
     
     
      Everyone
      knows
      that
      you
      must
     
     
      adhere
      to
      certain
      behavior
      while
      in
     
     
      a
      public
      place,
      and
      for
      those
      that
      do
     
     
      not
      know,
      a
      bathroom
      does
      fit
      into
     
     
      the
      domain
      of
      public
      place.
      In
      a
     
     
      public
      restroom,
      men
      adhere
      to
      an
     
     
      unwritten
      code
      of
      ethics
      handed
     
     
      down
      to
      us
      from
      generation
      to
      gen-
     
     
      eration.
      We
      refrain
      from
      making
     
     
      eye
      contact,
      avoid
      smiling,
      laugh-
     
     
      ing,
      socially
      conversing
      or
      loitering.
     
     
      Although
      this
      is
      never
      actually
     
     
      taught,
      it
      is
      just
      understood
      that
      you
     
     
      should
      not
      act
      in
      this
      manner
      while
     
     
      inhabiting
      the
      washroom.
      At
      no
     
     
      time
      do
      we
      ever
      watch
      another
      man
     
     
      conduct
      his.
      “business,”
      and
      never
     
     
      glance
      at
      a
      fellow
      patron
      below
      the
     
     
      waist
      (lest
      we
      go
      blind
      or
      turn
      into
      a
     
     
      pillar
      of
      salt).
      But
      sometimes
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      break
      these
      rules.
      The
      following
     
     
      is
      a
      small
      list
      of
      things
      that
      should
     
     
      be
      strictly
      followed
      by
      the
      male
     
     
      human
      population.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      While
      standing
      at
      a
      urinal
     
     
      (feigning
      patience),
      we
      pretend
      to
     
     
      read
      graffiti
      on
      the
      wall
      in
      front
      of
     
     
      us
      (even
      if
      none
      exists).
      We
      yawn,
     
     
      clear
      our
      throats,
      examine
      the
      ceil-
     
     
      ing
      tiles
      or
      check
      our
      watches
      to
     
     
      pass
      time
      honorably.
      To
      appear
      that
     
     
      we
      are
      enjoying
      ourselves
      is
      unac-
     
     
      ceptable.
      Occasionally,
      we
      glance
     
     
      straight
      down
      (very
      briefly)
      to
      make
     
     
      sure
      that
      everything
      is
      still
      there
      and
     
     
      working
      properly.
      If
      there
      are
      three
     
     
      urinals
      in
      total
      and
      only
      the
      middle
     
     
      position
      is
      unoccupied,
      we
      will
      wait
     
    
   
   
    
     
      until
      one
      of
      the
      outside
      positions
     
     
      becomes
      available,
      or
      use
      a
      stall
     
     
      before
      relieving
      ourselves
      (unless
      in
     
     
      a
      dire
      emergency).
      To
      take
      the
      mid-
     
     
      dle
      urinal
      and
      crowd
      in
      on
      the
      “res-
     
     
      idents”
      is
      the
      same
      as
      handing
      each
     
     
      man
      a
      card
      that
      reads,
      “I
      find
      you
     
     
      attractive,”
      or
      “I
      have
      no
      respect
      for
     
     
      your
      privacy
      or
      common
      decency.”
     
     
      Take
      your
      pick.”
      Under
      no
      circum-
     
     
      stances
      even
      with
      two
      Thunder
      Jugs
     
     
      under
      your
      belt
      is
      it
      appropriate
      to
     
     
      comment
      on
      the
      appearance
      of
     
     
      another
      male
      -
      although
      it
      may
      be
     
     
      suitable
      in
      the
      women’s
      washroom.
     
     
      I
      stand
      firmly
      as
      this
      is
      one
      of
      the
     
     
      many
      things
      that
      separate
      the
      two
     
     
      sexes:
      females
      can
      enter
      the
      wash-
     
     
      rooms
      and
      leave
      knowing
      new
      peo-
     
     
      ple;
      males
      on
      the
      other
      hand
      are
     
     
      more
      likely
      to
      leave
      with
      a
      broken
     
     
      nose
      and
      blackened
      eye
      when
     
     
      betraying
      the
      unspoken
      oath
      of
     
     
      mens
      room
      etiquette.
      Remember
     
     
      our
      mission
      is
      to
      get
      in,
      get
      the
      job
     
     
      done,
      and
      get
      out.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      "NOTICE
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Student
      Council
      is
     
     
      proposing
      changes
      to
      the
     
     
      by-laws
      regarding
      the
     
     
      composition
      of
      the
      Hiring
     
     
      Board.
      If
      you
      have
      any
     
     
      -
      questions
      or
      concerns
     
    

    
     
      _
      please
      contact
      Clare
     
     
      Henderson
      at
      566-0648
      or
     
     
      chenderson@upei.ca
      or
     
     
      drop
      by
      the
      Student
      Union
     
     
      offices
      in
      the
      WA
      Murphy
     
     
      Student
      Centre
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      An
      Islander
      Walks
      Into
      A
      Bar...
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      A
      few
      years
      back,
      I
      decided
      to
     
     
      become
      a
      comedian.
      It
      was
      a
      simple
     
     
      plan,
      really.
      A
      few
      quick
      stints
      at
      nurs-
     
     
      ing
      homes,
      one
      guest
      appearance
      on
     
     
      Saturday
      Night
      Live,
      and
      I'd
      be
      in
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _big
      time.
      It
      was
      a
      foolproof
      plan,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      despite
      one,
      well,
      minor
      problem:
      I
     
     
      can't
      tell
      a
      joke.
      I
      know
      there's
      a
      chick-
     
     
      en.
      I
      know
      he
      makes
      it
      to
      the
      other
      side.
     
     
      But
      I
      can't
      quite
      remember
      why
      he
     
     
      crosses.
     
    

    
     
      But
      trust
      me,
      in
      reviewing
      the
     
     
      "Humour
      Us"
      comedy
      show
      that
      was
     
     
      held
      at
      The
      Wave
      last
      Thursday,
      I'll
     
     
      give
      an
      honest
      review.
      It's
      not
      like
      I'm
     
     
      bitter
      or
      resent
      those
      who
      actually
      can
     
     
      deliver
      a
      punch
      line.
      They
      might
      not
     
     
      know
      why
      the
      chicken
      crossed
      the
      road
     
     
      either.
      They're
      probably
      all
      more
      dog
     
     
      and
      cat
      people
      anyway...
     
    

    
     
      "Humour
      Us".was
      the
      brainchild
      of
     
     
      local
      comedian
      and
      producer
      Laurie
     
    
   
   
    
     
      UPEI
      Cadre
      March
      9,
      2004
      page
      14
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Murphy
      and
      UPEI
      students
      Matt
     
     
      Stewart
      and
      Lennie
      MacPherson
      (also
     
     
      known
      as
      "those
      trivia
      guys").
      Four
     
     
      amateurs
      and
      one
      professional
      comic
     
     
      from
      New
      Brunswick
      joined
      Murphy,
     
     
      Stewart,
      and
      MacPherson
      on
      stage
      to
     
     
      complete
      the
      ensemble
      of
      performers.
     
    

    
     
      But
      on
      to
      the
      night
      of
      the
      show...
     
    

    
     
      So,
      a
      rabbi,
      a
      priest,
      and
      an
      Islander
     
     
      walked
      into
      the
      bar.
      And
      after
      receiving
     
     
      the
      proper
      medical
      attention
      (see
      what
     
     
      I
      mean?
      I'm
      totally
      not
      original!),
      they
     
     
      paid
      their
      five
      dollar
      cover,
      settled
      into
     
     
      their
      seats,
      winked
      at
      the
      bartender
      (he
     
     
      didn't
      wink
      back
      and
      had
      this
      strange
     
     
      recollection
      of
      his
      days
      as
      an
      alter
      boy)
     
     
      and
      watched
      the
      performances.
     
    

    
     
      The
      rabbi,
      priest,
      and
      Islander
      were
     
     
      not
      alone.
      The
      crowd
      was
      large,
      made
     
     
      up
      of
      a
      random
      mix
      of
      ages,
      so
      the
     
     
      comedians
      had
      their
      hands
      full
      playing
     
     
      to
      the
      whole
      audience.
     
     
      continued
      on
      next
      page