If
      You
      Think
      That
      Cheque
      is
      Big,
     
     
      Then
      You
      Should
      See
      My
      Pen
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Stephan
      MacLEOD
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      House
      of
      Rock
      took
      on
     
     
      the
      home
      of
      light
      rock,
      Q104,
      and
     
     
      kicked
      its
      artificially
      whitened
      teeth
     
     
      down
      its
      throat.
      Despite
      sharing
      lin-
     
     
      gering
      hangovers
      and
      lack
      of
      sleep
     
     
      from
      the
      night
      before,
      Slowcoaster
     
     
      and
      Rock
      Ranger
      went
      head
      to
      head
      to
     
     
      head
      against
      each
      other
      and
      Halifax
     
     
      band,
      Inland,
      in
      the
      Rock
      of
      the
     
     
      Atlantic
      battle
      of
      bands
      sponsored
      by
     
     
      some
      beer
      company
      and
      the
      monolith-
     
     
      ic
      metro
      radio
      station,
      Q104.
     
    

    
     
      First
      prize
      in
      this
      competition
     
     
      was
      a
      $5000
      shopping
      spree
      at
      Music
     
     
      Stop.
      Since
      neither
      Slowcoaster
      and
     
     
      Rock
      Ranger
      own
      their
      own
      gear,
      it
     
     
      was
      agreed
      upon
      by
      the
      group
      of
      best
     
     
      friends
      from
      Sydney
      that
      no
      matter
     
     
      who
      won,
      they
      would
      invest
      in
      a
     
     
      much-needed
      bass.
      The
      only
      obstacle
     
     
      to
      their
      plan
      was
      the
      involvement
      of
     
     
      Inland
      in
      the
      final
      showdown
      of
      this
     
     
      competition.
      Inland
      posed
      a
      consider-
     
     
      able
      threat
      to
      the
      House
      of
      Rock
      since
     
     
      the
      event
      was
      sponsored
      by
      an
      adult
     
     
      contemporary
      rock
      radio
      station,
      and
     
     
      their
      watered-down
      music
      could
      easily
     
     
      pass
      for
      the
      corporate
      rock
      featured
      on
     
     
      Q104’s
      playlist.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Steve
      MacDougall
      squishin’
      bugs.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Despite
      having
      the
      homecourt
     
     
      advantage,
      Inland
      didn’t
      stand
      a
     
     
      chance
      against
      the
      rowdy
      audience
      of
     
     
      Cape
      Bretoners
      that
      packed
      the
     
     
      Marquee
      to
      see
      the
      two
      bands
      from
     
     
      Sydney’s
      fabled
      House
      of
      Rock.
      Their
     
     
      only
      hope
      was
      that
      the
      group
      of
      judges
     
     
      who
      were
      mostly
      over
      35
      would
      be
      on
     
     
      their
      side.
     
    

    
     
      Slowcoaster
      started
      playing
     
     
      before
      the
      dorky
      radio
      personality
     
     
      could
      finish
      introducing
      them,
      and
      the
     
     
      crowd
      erupted
      into
      screams
      and
     
     
      hollers
      at
      a
      volume
      unheard
      of
      since
     
     
      the
      Cape
      Breton
      Oilers
      won
      the
      Calder
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -Cup.
      The
      dancefloor
      was
      packed
      with
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Cape
      Breton
      girls
      grooving
      to
      Steve
     
     
      MacDougall’s
      jangly
      funk
      ballads.
     
     
      There
      was
      a
      healthy
      dose
      of
      booty
     
     
      shaking
      throughout
      the
      performance.
     
    

    
     
      After
      Slowcoaster’s
      technical-
     
     
      ly
      flawless
      set,
      Inland
      loaded
      the
      stage
     
     
      with
      a
      ridiculous
      amount
      of
      gear.
     
     
      Judging
      by
      the
      two
      Marshall
      stacks
     
     
      and
      pile
      of
      bass
      cabinets,
      it
      seemed
     
     
      unnecessary
      for
      this
      three-piece
      to
      win
     
     
      a
      shopping
      spree
      at
      a
      music
      store.
      But
     
     
      the
      more
      I
      thought
      about
      it,
      it
      would
     
     
      probably
      be
      funny
      if
      they
      used
      the
     
     
      $5000
      to
      buy
      nothing
      but
      guitar
      picks.
     
     
      Their
      bland
      set
      of
      phony
      smiles
      and
     
     
      rock
      cliches
      was
      pretty
      weak,
      but
      their
     
     
      drummer
      was
      extremely
      talented.
      The
     
     
      drummer’s
      technical
      skills
      were
     
     
      admired
      by
      everyone
      I
      talked
      to
      in
      the
     
     
      audience,
      but
      overall
      the
      band
     
     
      received
      a
      tepid
      response.
     
    

    
     
      When
      Inland
      cleared
      away
     
     
      their
      gear,
      Jay
      Smith
      from
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger
      plugged
      his
      guitar
      into
      a
      bor-
     
     
      rowed
      amp,
      and
      let
      a
      bent
      note
      ring
     
     
      out
      that
      sparked
      the
      insane
      enthusiasm
     
     
      of
      the
      Capers.
      The
      audience
      started
     
     
      screaming
      in
      a
      hysteria
      that
      grew
      pro-
     
     
      gressively
      crazier
      and
      louder
      through-
     
     
      out
      Rock
      Ranger’s
      set.
      Everyone
     
     
      chanted
      the
      band’s
      name
      over
      and
     
     
      over
      again
      disrupting
      their
      introduc-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      tion
      by
      the
      Q104
      DJ.
      Feeding
      off
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      energy
      of
      the
      audience,
      the
      band
      blast-
     
     
      ed
      their
      ferocious
      riffs
      and
      led
      every-
     
     
      one
      in
      the
      biggest
      rock
      sing-a-long
     
     
      I’ve
      ever
      witnessed
      at
      the
      Marquee.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      +
     
     
      &
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Fuckin’
      Pepsi
      machine
      won’t
      take
      my
      cheque.
      Steve,
      get
      my
      gun.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      audience’s
      knowledge
      of
     
     
      the
      words
      to
      all
      the
      songs
      was
      a
      com-
     
     
      plete
      shock
      to
      the
      band.
      And
      the
     
     
      chants
      of
      “Rock
      Ranger”
      in
      between
     
     
      songs
      left
      the
      usually
      incoherent,
      Jay,
     
     
      almost
      speechless.
      The
      audience
      was
     
     
      still
      chanting
      their
      name
      long
      after
     
     
      they
      stopped
      playing.
     
    

    
     
      When
      the
      judges
      arrived
      at
      a
     
     
      decision,
      and
      the
      Rock
      of
      the
      Atlantic
     
     
      organizers
      took
      the
      stage,
      the
      cheering
     
     
      for
      Rock
      Ranger
      grew
      even
      louder.
     
     
      The
      Rock
      Ranger
      chant
      turned
      into
      a
     
     
      House
      of
      Rock
      chant,
      and
      the
      organiz-
     
     
      ers
      played
      up
      to
      the
      Cape
      Bretoners
      by
     
     
      mentioning
      Sydney
      and
     
     
      the
      House
      of
      Rock
      in
     
     
      between
      their
      inane
     
     
      congratulations
      of
      the
     
     
      sponsors.
     
    

    
     
      Slowcoaster
     
     
      were
      announced
      as
      the
     
     
      winners
      of
      the
      $5000
     
     
      gift
      certificate.
      Steve
     
     
      MacDougall
      walked
      out
     
     
      on
      stage
      carrying
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger’s
      Jay
      Smith
      on
     
     
      his
      back
      while
      Mikey
     
    
   
   
    
     
      LeLievre
      from
     
     
      Slowcoaster
      —
      slapped
     
     
      him.
      on
      the
      arse.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Slowcoaster
      drummer
     
     
      Devon.
      Strang
      was
     
     
      notably
      absent
      from
      the
     
     
      presentation
      of
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      es
     
     
      ¥
     
    
   
   
    
     
      +t
     
    
   
   
    
     
      giant
      cheque
      because
      he
      was
      kicked
     
     
      out
      during
      Rock
      Ranger’s
      set
      for
     
     
      spraying
      beer
      all
      over
      Jay.
      Mikey
      and
     
     
      Steve
      led
      the
      audience
      in
      a
      massive
     
     
      Rock
      Ranger
      chant,
      then
      went
      outside
     
     
      to
      show
      Devon
      the
      cheque.
     
    

    
     
      Despite
      only
      band
      being
     
     
      declared
      the
      winner
      of
      this
      competi-
     
     
      tion,
      it
      was
      clearly
      a
      victory
      for
      the
     
     
      entire
      House
      of
      Rock.
      Slowcoaster
      got
     
     
      a
      giant
      cheque
      to
      buy
      a
      new
      bass
      with,
     
     
      and
      Rock
      Ranger
      transformed
      the
     
     
      Marquee
      into
      a
      rock
      concert
      worthy
      of
     
     
      the
      Halifax
      Metro
      Centre,
      or
      at
      least
     
     
      Centre
      200.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      i
      see
      you
      baby,
      shakin’
      that
      ass.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      THE
      CADRE
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ca
      £4
      42.4
      -
      2a
      44
     
     
      OK
      Ga
      on
      at
      Fit
      }