A
      Spy
      in
      the
      Van
      of
      Rock
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Stephan
      MacLeod
     
    
   
   
    
     
      THURSDAY
      AUGUST
      9,
      2001
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sydney’s
      Rock
      Ranger
      and
     
     
      Slowcoaster
      arrive
      in
      Charlottetown
     
     
      late
      on
      Thursday
      to.
      play
      at
      Baba’s
     
     
      Lounge.
      Both
      bands
      are
      roommates
      in
     
     
      the
      famed
      House
      of
      Rock,
      located
     
     
      somewhere
      between
      the
      Tar
      Ponds
     
     
      and
      Holy
      Angels
      Senior
      High
      School
     
    
   
   
    
     
      for
      girls
      in
      downtown
      Sydney.
      The
      ©
     
    
   
   
    
     
      House
      of
      Rock
      is
      home
      to
      a
      rag
      tag
     
     
      group
      of
      artists
      and
      entrepreneurs
      hell
     
     
      bent
      on
      turning
      Industrial
      Cape
     
     
      Breton
      into
      a
      cultural
      Utopia.
      Steve
     
     
      MacDougal,
      the
      lead
      vocalist
      and
      gui-
     
     
      tar
      player
      for
      Slowcoaster,
      leaves
      lit-
     
     
      tle
      doubt
      that
      they
      will
      succeed
      in
     
     
      their
      mission,
      but
      first
      they
      must
     
     
      worry
      about
      how
      they
      can
      afford
      to
     
     
      pay
      the
      rent.
      Jay
      Smith
      of
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger
      once
      went
      six
      months
      without
     
     
      electricity
      last
      year.
      Until
      recently
     
     
      these
      musicians
      played
      all
      their
      shows
     
     
      on
      borrowed
      equipment.
     
    

    
     
      The
      House
      of
      Rock
      made
     
     
      Charlottetown
      the
      first
      stop
      on
      their
     
     
      tour
      of
      the
      Maritimes
      They
     
     
      encounter
      a
      few
      problems
      early
      on
      in
     
     
      the
      tour:
      The
      van,
      which
      Mike
     
     
      Morrison
      —
      drummer
      for
      Rock
      Ranger
     
     
      —
      traded
      his
      motorbike
      for,
      made
     
     
      strange
      sounds
      on
      the
      highway,
      and
     
     
      the
      steering
      could
      go
      at
      any
      moment;
     
     
      they
      barely
      arrived
      in
      time
      for
      the
      last
     
     
      ferry
      to
      Prince
      Edward
      Island
      from
     
     
      Pictou,
      Nova
      Scotia;
      and
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger’s
      bass
      player
      is
      missing.
     
     
      Luckily
      Mikey
      LeLeivre
      from
     
     
      Slowcoaster
      has
      filled
      in
      on
      bass
      for
     
     
      Rock
      Ranger
      in
      the
      past,
      so,
      like
      a
      pair
     
     
      of
      underwear
      in
      the
      House
      of
      Rock,
     
     
      Mikey
      will
      be
      shared
      by
      both
      bands
     
     
      tonight.
     
    

    
     
      Actually,
      Dan
      Baldwin,
      the
     
     
      bass
      player
      for
      Rock
      Ranger,
      is
      not
     
     
      missing.
      He’s
      camping
      with
      his
      girl-
     
     
      friend.
      He
      was
      unable
      to
      join
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger
      because
      he
      has
      an
      important
     
     
      meeting
      on
      Friday
      which
      he
      could
      not
     
     
      miss.
      Slowcoaster
      plays
      up
      his
     
     
      absence
      during
      a
      spontaneous
      per-
     
     
      formance
      of
      “Amazing
      Grace”
      at
     
     
      Baba’s,
      near
      the
      end
      of
      their
      set.
     
     
      While
      Mikey
      plays
      the
      hymn
      softly,
     
     
      Steve
      requests
      the
      audience’s
      support
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Put
      your
      cock
      into
      it.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      in
      getting
      Dan
      out
      of
      jail.
     
    

    
     
      Switching
      gears
      from
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger’s.
      ballsy
      rock
      jams_
      to
     
     
      Slowcoaster’s
      laid-back,
      funky
      soul
     
     
      would
      be
      a
      challenge
      for
      most
      bass
     
     
      players,
      but
      Mikey
      has
      no
      difficulty.
      I
     
     
      doubt
      that
      anyone
      could
      tell
      that
      the
     
     
      last
      time
      Mikey
      played
      bass
      with
     
     
      Rock
      Ranger
      was
      over
      a
      year
      ago,
      or
     
     
      that
      he
      is
      unfamiliar
      with
      the
      many
     
     
      changes
      in
      their
      songs.
      Making
      gri-
     
     
      macing
      faces
      and
      stomping
      away
      on
     
     
      the
      hardwood
      floor
      like
      a
      madman,
     
     
      Mikey
      easily
      fits
      into
      the
      Rock
     
     
      Ranger
      line
      up.
     
    

    
     
      While
      the
      bands
      sound
      like
     
     
      they
      are
      from
      two
      completely
      differ-
     
     
      ent
      planets,
      there
      is
      an
      energy
      in
      their
     
     
      performances,
      a
      dry
      sense
      of
      humour,
     
     
      and
      an
      attitude
      that
      link
      these
      Cape
     
     
      Bretoners
      together,
      yet
      allows
      them
      to
     
     
      go
      in
      distinct
      and
      separate
      directions
     
     
      musically.
     
    

    
     
      After
      Slowcoaster
      finishes
     
     
      their
      set,
      they
      join
      Rock
      Ranger
      at
      the
     
     
      bar
      for
      a
      marathon
      of
      beer
      and
      tequila.
     
     
      When
      the
      bar
      is
      ready
      to
      close,
      the
     
     
      guys
      are
      jumping
      around
      while
      chant-
     
     
      ing
      “Buzzies!
      Buzzies!
      Buzzies!”
     
     
      Their
      cheer
      is
      in
      honour
      of
      Steve
     
     
      Buzzy
      Balderson
      of
      the
      Tuesdays
      who
     
     
      is
      throwing
      a
      party
      in
      his
      apartment.
     
     
      So
      the
      band
      pays
      their
      $160
      tab,
      and
     
     
      we
      are
      off
      to
      Buzzy’s
      place.
     
    

    
     
      Buzzy
      lives
      in
      a
      beautiful
      old
     
     
      apartment
      building
      in
      downtown
     
     
      Charlottetown,
      a
      short
      walk
      from
     
     
      Baba’s.
      He
      throws
      parties
      every
      week-
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      fa
      a
      naa
      A
      AS
      dS
      Ri
      EM
      ih
      NN
      Rt
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [6],
     
    
   
   
    
     
      end
      and
      invites
      whatever
      band
      that
     
     
      happens
      to
      be
      in
      town
      over
      to
      jam.
      Jay
     
     
      loves
      playing
      with
      different
      musicians
     
     
      and
      will
      grab
      whatever
      instrument
      is
     
     
      lying
      in
      front
      of
      him
      to
      join
      in
      on
      a
     
     
      jam
      session.
      The
      rest
      of
      the
      guys
      also
     
     
      enjoy
      performing
      in
      living
      room
      par-
     
     
      ties
      —
      the
      House
      of
      Rock
      hillbilly
     
     
      supergroup
      The
      Squatters
      was
      a
      joke
     
     
      born
      out
      of
      such
      circumstances
      —
      but
     
     
      tonight
      Mike
      and
      his
      girlfriend
      Jody
     
     
      are
      avoiding
      the
      crowded
      living
      room,
     
     
      Devon
      Strang,
      the
      drummer
      for
     
     
      Slowcoaster,
      is
      wandering
      aimlessly
     
     
      around
      the
      streets
      of
      Charlottetown
      on
     
     
      a
      ten-speed
      he
      found
      in
      Buzzy’s
     
     
      garage,
      and
      Steve
      is
      explaining
      some
     
     
      of
      the
      House
      of
      Rock’s
      plans
      to
      solve
     
     
      Sydney’s
      Tar
      Pond
      problem
      to
      me.
     
     
      One
      involves
      moving
      the
      entire
      down-
     
     
      town
      several
      miles
      outside
      of
      town,
     
     
      across
      from
      the
      campus
      at
      the
     
     
      Universtiy
      College
      of
      Cape
      Breton.
     
     
      At
      the
      party,
      a
      lot
      of
      people
     
     
      are
      talking
      about
      the
      big
      Guided
      By
     
     
      Voices
      show
      taking
      place
      in
      Halifax
     
     
      the
      next
      day.
      Jay
      is
      particularly
      excit-
     
     
      ed
      about
      this
      concert.
      I
      ask
      him
      if
      he’s
     
     
      familiar
      with
      their
      music,
      but
      he
      only
     
     
      knows
      one
      song,
      “Glad
      Girls.”
      When
     
     
      he
      croons
      it
      on
      electric
      guitar,
      [
     
     
      instantly
      recognize
      the
      melody,
      and
      I
     
     
      begin
      to
      share
      Jay’s
      enthusiasm
      for
     
     
      this
      band
      that
      I
      know
      nothing
      about.
      I
     
     
      mention
      to
      Mike
      how
      my
      brother
      got
     
     
      a
      free
      ticket
      to
      the
      show
      for
      me,
      but,
     
     
      since
      I
      have
      no
      money
      and
      no
      way
      of
     
     
      getting
      to
      Halifax,
      that
      Jay
      can
      have
     
    
   
   
    
     
      PO
      eo
      pre
      nega
      gecys
     
    
   
   
    
     
      it.
      Mike
      tells
      me
      to
      keep
      the
      ticket,
     
     
      and
      to
      join
      them
      on
      the
      van
      trip
      to
     
     
      Halifax
      the
      next
      day.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FRIDAY
      AUGUST
      10,
      2001
     
    
   
   
    
     
      In
      the
      wee
      hours
      of
      the
      morn-
     
     
      ing,
      I’m
      driving
      Mike’s
      van,
      since
      I’m
     
     
      the
      only
      one
      who
      didn’t
      drink.
      The
     
     
      sun
      is
      coming
      up,
      and
      Steve
      wants
     
     
      something
      to
      eat.
      We
      find
      a
      Subway
     
     
      that’s
      still
      open
      and
      everyone
      orders
     
     
      food
      stuffed
      with
      toppings
      that
      they
     
     
      know
      they
      shouldn’t
      eat
      at
      this
      hour
      of
     
     
      night,
      but
      cannot
      resist.
      Mikey
      per-
     
     
      forms
      some
      gymnastics
      in
      the
      lineup
     
     
      for
      sandwiches,
      then
      yells
      foreign
     
     
      obscenities
      at
      the
      cute
      French
      girls
     
     
      leaving
      the
      restaurant.
     
    

    
     
      After
      eating
      our
      subs
      in
      the
     
     
      parking
      lot,
      Steve
      tells
      me
      that
      every-
     
     
      one
      has
      decided
      that
      we
      need
      to
      go
      to
     
     
      the
      nearest
      beach
      immediately.
      I
      don’t
     
     
      know
      much
      about
      the
      beaches
      in
     
     
      Prince
      Edward
      Island,
      and
      the
      nearest
     
     
      one
      that
      I
      actually
      know
      how
      to
      find
      is
     
    
   
   
    
     
      about
      twenty
      minutes
      outside
      of
      town.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ao
     
    
   
   
    
     
      So
      we
      go
      to
      that
      one.
     
    

    
     
      By
      the
      time
      we
      arrive
      at
     
     
      Brackley
      Beach,
      it
      is
      6:45am.
     
     
      Everyone’s
      still
      a
      little
      drunk
      or
      hung
     
     
      over,
      but
      a
      quick
      splash
      in
      the
      water
     
     
      has
      remarkably
      sobering
      effects.
      I
     
     
      borrowed
      Steve’s
      extra
      pair
      of
      swim-
     
     
      ming
      trunks,
      and
      almost
      everyone
      has
     
     
      found
      appropriate
      clothing
      to
      adapt
      to
     
     
      the
      beach
      except
      for
      Mikey.
      So
      Mikey
     
     
      undresses
      on
      the
      shore
      and
      slowly
     
     
      walks
      into
      the
      ocean
      buck
      naked.
      We
     
     
      are
      not
      alone
      on
      the
      beach;
      there
      was
     
     
      at
      least
      one
      couple
      of
      senior
      citizens
     
     
      enjoying
      a
      beautiful
      morning
      walk
      on
     
     
      the
      beach,
      but
      they
      are
      gone
      now.
      |
     
     
      have
      little
      doubt
      that
      it
      had
      something
     
     
      to
      do
      with
      the
      big
      naked
      guy.
      Jay
     
     
      chokes
      on
      salt
      water
      while
      laughing
      at
     
     
      Mikey.
      We
      are
      a
      sea
      of
      bobbing
      heads
     
     
      giggling
      and
      yelling
      about
      how
      awe-
     
     
      some
      the
      water
      feels
      this
      early
      in
      the
     
     
      morning.
     
    

    
     
      On
      .
      the
      drive
      “back
      to
     
     
      Charlottetown
      we
      are
      listening
      to
      one
     
     
      of
      Cape
      Breton’s
      most
      puerile
      punk
     
     
      bands,
      The
      Unwanted
      Guests,
      sing
      4
     
     
      song
      called
      “Abortion
      Bucket.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      RRA
      Se
      RINE
      RE
      -aRRR
      ike
      ae
      E
      aE
      RR
      RM
      A
      R
       R
      RS
      R
      REENRE
      AR
      ARG
      SIE
      eI
      Sa!
      es
      a
      BS