GONZO
      BAU,
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      on
      ‘the
      feat,
      Which
      is
      ve
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Apocalypse
      ForGood
      Reason
      =
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Tim
      Aiken
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      How
      did
      the
     
     
      apocalypse
      get
      such
      a
     
     
      bad
      name?
      We
      all
      know
     
     
      that
      the
      end
      is
      coming
      so
     
     
      why
      not
      just
      reflect
      on
     
     
      how
      this
      could
      be
      ben-
     
     
      eficial
      for
      us.
      All
      the
     
     
      things
      that
      won’t
      hap-
     
     
      pen.
      Everything
      that
     
     
      you
      Il
      have
      gotten
      away
     
     
      with.
      Isn’t
      that
      what
      it
      is
     
     
      all
      about.
      Laughing
      at
     
     
      all
      the
      things
      that
      you
     
     
      never
      had
      to
      do
      and
      the
     
     
      things
      that
      no
      one
      knows
     
     
      that
      you
      did.
      Think
      of
     
     
      what
      you
      won’t
      have
      to
     
     
      put
      up
      with
      anymore.
     
    

    
     
      Jean
      Chretien
      has
     
     
      plenty
      to
      be
      thankful
      for.
     
     
      No
      more
      strangers
     
     
      wandering
      past
      security
     
     
      and
      into
      his
      bedroom
      in
     
     
      the
      middle
      of
      the
      night.
     
     
      No
      more
      APEC
      inquir-
     
     
      ies.
      No
      more
      wondering
     
     
      if
      the
      secret
      of
      him
      being
     
     
      a
      blundering
      fool
      will
     
     
      finally
      surface.
      We
     
     
      can’t
      all
      be
      as
      lucky
      as
     
     
      he
      is
      though.
      He
      has
      so
     
     
      much
      to
      be
      thankful
      for,
     
     
      for
      someone
      who
     
     
      hasn’t
      done
      anything
      of
     
     
      any
      significance
      in
      his
     
     
      life.
     
    

    
     
      Canadians
      as
      a
     
     
      whole
      should
      be
      com-
     
     
      forted
      by
      the
      fact
      that
      we
     
     
      won’t
      have
      had
      to
      put
      up
     
     
      with
      Adrienne
      Clarkson
     
     
      being
      appointed
      as
      our
     
     
      Governor
      General.
     
     
      Remember
      her
      show?
     
     
      Wasn’t
      that
      the
      biggest
     
     
      load
      of
      crap
      you’ve
      ever
     
     
      seen
      on
      TV?
      If
      that
     
     
      show
      was
      still
      being
     
    
   
   
    
     
      broadcast
      today
      then
      I
     
     
      would
      have
      one
      more
     
     
      reason
      to
      welcome
      the
     
     
      end.
      Adrienne
      Clarkson
     
     
      as
      the
      Governor
      General.
     
     
      Who
      was
      in
      charge
      of
     
     
      that
      decision?
      If
      they
     
     
      were
      trying
      to
      piss
      me
     
     
      off
      why
      didn’t
      they
      just
     
     
      appoint
      Mr.
      DressUp
      as
     
     
      Dictator
      over
      us
      all?
     
     
      Now
      the
      stuff
      that
      he
     
     
      made,
      that
      was
      art.
     
    

    
     
      Another
      thing
     
     
      Canadians
      can
      rejoice
     
     
      over
      is
      the
      death
      of
     
     
      Canadian
      politics.
      Que-
     
     
      bec
      won’t
      have
      another
     
     
      referendum.
      Who
      cares
     
     
      anymore
      anyway?
      Que-
     
     
      bec
      is
      just
      like
      an
      old
     
     
      crippled
      man
      with
      his
     
     
      arm
      around
      Canada’s
     
     
      back.
      There
      are
      only
      so
     
     
      many
      times
      he
      can
      say
      “I
     
     
      can
      walk
      on
      my
      own”
     
     
      before
      we
      let
      him
      fall
     
     
      flat
      on
      his
      face.
      Any
     
     
      election
      at
      all
      in
      Canada
     
     
      is
      rather
      pointless.
      Why
     
     
      aren’t
      they
      all
      running
     
     
      for
      the
      same
      party
      be-
     
     
      cause
      none
      of
      them
      are
     
     
      going
      to
      do
      anything
     
     
      different
      than
      the
      next
     
     
      guy.
      Just
      be
      happy
      that
     
     
      we
      don’t
      have
      to
      think
     
     
      about
      any
      of
      this
     
     
      anymore.
     
    

    
     
      Ten
      years
      ago
      the
     
     
      Canadian
      government
      set
     
     
      a
      goal
      to
      eliminate
      child
     
     
      poverty
      by
      the
      year
     
     
      2000.
      The
      latest
      figures
     
     
      suggest
      the
      problem
      has
     
     
      only
      gotten
      worse.
     
     
      There
      is
      one
      thing
      they
     
     
      won’t
      have
      to
      deal
      with.
     
     
      When
      the
      end
      is
      coming
     
    
   
   
    
     
      and
      we
      are
      holding
      on
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ee
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      way
      —
      it’s
      for
      the
      best.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      for
      dear
      life,
      not
      too
     
     
      many
      of
      us
      will
      stop
     
     
      and
      say
      ’Did
      anyone
     
     
      see
      the
      new
      child
      pov-
     
     
      erty
      statistics?”
      The
     
     
      homeless
      won’t
      be
     
     
      complaining
      either
     
     
      because
      when
      all
      hell
     
     
      rises
      they
      will
      just
      be
     
     
      glad
      that
      it
      is
      warm.
     
     
      The
      Royal
     
     
      Family
      can
      be
      thankful
     
     
      that
      no
      one
      has
      anytime
     
     
      to
      kick
      their
      asses
      out.
     
     
      What
      a
      pointless
      estab-
     
     
      lishment
      anyway.
      From
     
     
      the
      Queen
      all
      the
      way
     
     
      down
      to
      the
      Lieutenant
     
     
      Governor.
      A
      waste
      of
     
     
      time,
      a
      waste
      of
      money
     
     
      and
      all
      for
      nothing.
      The
     
     
      Monarchy
      can
      also
      be
     
     
      thankful
      that
      their
      most
     
     
      intimate
      secret
      never
     
     
      got
      out.
      Prince
      Charles
     
    
   
   
    
     
      wearing
      a
      kilt
      isn’t
     
     
      honoring
      his
      Celtic
     
     
      roots,
      he’s
      just
      that
      kind
     
     
      of
      guy.
     
    

    
     
      So
      what
      do
      you
     
     
      care
      anyway
      when
      they
     
     
      say
      the
      end
      is
      coming.
     
     
      With
      all
      this
      being
      said,
     
     
      I
      am
      glad
      it
      is
      all
      going
     
     
      to
      end.
      Why
      should
     
     
      you
      care
      about
      every-
     
     
      thing
      you
      never
      got
      to
     
     
      do
      in
      your
      life?
      Just
     
     
      think
      if
      the
      world
     
     
      wasn’t
      going
      to
      end
     
     
      then
      you’d
      have
      to
      pay
     
     
      off
      all
      of
      your
      student
     
     
      loans
      and
      trade
      the
      car
     
     
      of
      your
      dreams
      in
      for
      a
     
     
      minivan.
      When
      the
     
     
      seven
      horsemen
      of
      the
     
     
      apocalypse
      ride
      by
     
     
      don’t
      stand
      idly
      by.
     
     
      Slash
      and
      burn,
      all
      the