What
      Would
      Elvis
      Costello
      Say?
      A
      portion
      of
      a
      short
      story
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      was
      purposely
      distracting
      him.
     
    

    
     
      "Oh
      yeah,
      he
      sucks."
      Said
     
     
      Tyler
      mockingly
      as
      he
      turned
     
     
      and
      walked
      towards
      the
      kitchen.
     
     
      Ian
      seemed
      too
      lazy
      to
      come
      up
     
     
      with
      a
      response.
     
    

    
     
      _
      Truthfully,
      Tyler
      was
     
    

    
     
      t
      lan.
      He
      had
      been
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ~
      "So,
      I
      met
      Elvis
      Costello
     
     
      today.".
     
    

    
     
      Ian
      raised
      his
      eyes
      briefly
     
     
      from
      his
      book
      to
      look
      at
      his
     
     
      friend.
      The
      action
      was
      pretty
     
     
      much
      the
      most
      acknowledge-
     
     
      ment
      he
      16
     
    
   
   
    
     
         
     
     
        
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
       
       
     
     
        
         
     
     
        
     
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Way?
      "
      he
     
    
   
   
    
     
      to
      raise
      his
      head.
      "Went
      out.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Was
      beginning
      to
      think
      Tyler
      Party
      at
      James’
      dorm."
     
    
   
   
    
     
      "Uh-huh.
      Then
      what?"
     
    

    
     
      "You
      know.
      Typical
      after
     
     
      party
      stuff."
      Ian
      answered
      non-
     
     
      committally.
     
    

    
     
      "Man,
      what's
      up
      with
      you
     
     
      lately?"
      Tyler
      asked
      his
      friend,
     
     
      although
      it
      was
      directed
      more
     
     
      toward
      the
      wall
      separating
      the
     
     
      kitchen
      and
      living
      room.
     
     
      "You've
      been
      doing
      nothing
      but
     
     
      slack
      since
      the
      start
      of
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      semester.
      As
      Elvis
      Costello
     
    
   
   
    
     
      would
      say...well,
      forget
      that,
      |
     
     
      have
      no
      clue
      what
      he
      says.
      But
     
     
      my
      point
      is,
      if
      you
      get
      put
      on
     
     
      academic
      probation
      or
      some-
     
     
      thing
      don't
      hold
      me
      eiciw
      we
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      "I'd
      probably
      at
      least
      find
     
     
      out
      her
      name
      first.
      Did
      you
      hap-
     
     
      pen
      to
      get
      her
      name,
      you
      stal-
     
     
      lion?"
     
    

    
     
      "Didn't
      think
      so.
      Tell
      me
     
     
      you
      at
      least,
      um,
      protected
      your
     
     
      investment,
      shall
      we
      say?”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      .
      oy
     
    
   
   
    
     
      "You
      jackass.
      You'll
      be
     
     
      dead
      before
      you're
      thirty.
      You
     
     
      don't
      know
      where
      that
      girl's
     
    

    
     
      been.
      She
      could
      be
      the
      sexual
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      partner
      record
      holder
      for
      all
      you
     
     
      A
      oo
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “"T'm
      tired
      and
      hung
      over,"
     
    
   
   
    
     
      :
      la
      n
      said
      in
      response
      to
      his
     
    
   
   
    
     
      's
      barrage,
      "I'm
      hitting
      the
     
     
      ay
      early
      tonight."
      He
      pulled
     
    
   
   
    
     
      himself
      up
      and
      began
      to
      saunter
     
    
   
   
    
     
      to
      the
      hallway
      leading
      to
      the
      two
     
    
   
   
    
     
      1
      ty
      “small,
      stuffy
      bedrooms.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      She's
      not
      a
      girlfriend,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      casual
      sex
      partner
      that
     
    
   
   
    
     
      e
      never
      even
      met
      before?"
     
     
      er
      interrupted,
      "Yeah,
      that's
     
     
      Veneto”
     
     
      “Why
      are
      you
      stressing
     
    
   
   
    
     
      about
      this?
      You'd
      do
      the
      same
     
    
   
   
    
     
      thing."
     
    
   
   
    
     
      UPEI
      Cadre
      December
      2
      2003
      page
      7
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
        
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Tyler
      watched
      him
      pass
     
    
   
   
    
     
      through
      the
      kitchen,
      trying
      to
     
     
      figure
      out
      why
      his
      best
      friend
     
    
   
   
    
     
      and
      he
      were
      growing
      apart
      so
     
     
      quickly,
      after
      so
      long.
      He
      shook
     
     
      his
      head
      and
      looked
      down
      at
      his
     
     
      hands,
      which
      were
      poised
      over
      a
     
     
      flattened
      expanse
      of
      Pillsbury
     
     
      Crescent
      Rolls,
      ready
      to
      separate
     
     
      and
      roll
      them
      into
      individual
     
     
      mini-buns.
      He
      realized
      his
      hands
     
     
      were
      shaking
      and,
      embarrassed,
     
     
      he
      set
      them
      on
      the
      counter.
      He
     
    
   
   
    
     
      knew
      it
      wasn't
      jealousy
      he
      was
     
    
   
   
    
     
      feeling
      for
      Ian
      and
      his
      new
      wild
     
     
      adventures,
      it
      was
      fear.
      Fear
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _losing
      his
      best
      friend,
      not
      just
      to
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      pack
      of
      drunken
      women,
      but
     
    
   
   
    
     
      emotionally
      as
      well.