In
      a
      move
      that
      will
      go
      down
     
     
      as
      one
      of
      the
      most
      shocking
      events
     
     
      in
      the
      history
      of
      print
      journalism,
     
     
      Frank
      W.
      Peterson
      seized
      control
     
     
      of
      The
      Faction.
     
    

    
     
      Previously
      writing
     
     
      ‘Eskimo’
      jokes
      for
      Kicks,
      Peterson
     
     
      recently
      came
      aboard
      the
      Faction
     
     
      staff
      to
      give
      his
      bitter-sweet
      opin-
     
     
      ions
      on
      today’s
      society.
     
    

    
     
      He
      became
      editor-in-chief
     
     
      on
      Friday,
      September
      29,
      after
      he
     
     
      got
      drunk
      at
      the
      Legion
      with
      some
     
     
      old
      army
      buddies.
      “I
      told
      them
      that
     
     
      I
      would
      put
      their
      picture
      on
      the
     
     
      cover
      if
      they
      would
      help
      me
     
     
      become
      editor,
      so
      those
      drunk
     
     
      monkeys
      got
      their
      hunting
      rifles
     
     
      and
      we
      went
      down
      to
      the
      Faction
     
     
      offices.”
     
    

    
     
      Asked
      whether
      any
      harm
     
     
      came
      to
      John
      Hanson,
      The
     
     
      Faction’s
      previous
      editor,
      Peterson
     
    
   
   
    
     
      said,
      “Heck,
      no
      —
      but
      all
      those
     
     
      men
      with
      guns
      sure
      scared
      the
     
     
      pants
      off
      him.
      You
      should
      have
     
     
      seen
      him
      run!
      It
      was
      just
      like
     
     
      Christmas!”
     
    

    
     
      As
      for
      Peterson’s
      motiva-
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Your
      editor,
      Frank
      W.
      Peterson
     
    
   
   
    
     
      tion
      for
      taking
      over
      The
      Faction,
      he
     
     
      said,
      “It’s
      about
      time
      somebody
      put
     
     
      this
      newspaper
      [The
      Faction]
      in
     
     
      order.
      This
      paper
      /The
      Faction]
      has
     
     
      so
      much
      potential,
      but
      it’s
      wasted
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Frank
      W.
      Peterson
      becomes
      editor
      of
      The
      Faction
     
    
   
   
    
     
      on
      lame
      jokes
      about
      bologna
      and
     
     
      Joe
      Piscopo.”
     
    

    
     
      Peterson
      went
      on
      to
      add
     
     
      that
      he
      would
      make
      sure
      there
     
     
      would
      be
      more
      jokes
      about
      piss
     
     
      and
      Snoop
      Doggy
      Dogg.
     
    

    
     
      Seeming
      to
      have
      everything
     
     
      he
      could
      possibly
      want,
      Peterson
      is
     
     
      still
      not
      satisfied.
      “Let’s
      face
      it,
      pal.
     
     
      The
      Faction
      is
      a
      two-bit
      laugh
      rag
     
     
      in
      the
      middle
      of
      a
      student
      newspa-
     
     
      per.....
      Not
      only
      that,
      but
      you
      have
     
     
      to
      fold
      it
      [The
      Faction]
      backwards
     
     
      to
      put
      the
      pages
      in
      their
      correct
     
     
      order.”
     
    

    
     
      Peterson
      said
      some
      “big
     
     
      things”
      would
      be
      happening
      i
      in
      the
     
     
      near
      future.
     
    

    
     
      When
      asked
      to
      elaborate,
     
     
      Peterson
      cryptically
      answered,
     
     
      “Well
      for
      one
      thing,
      I
      wouldn’t
     
     
      drink
      the
      water
      if
      I
      were
      you.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      former
      editor,
      John
      Hans«
     
     
      as
      photographed
      three
      days
      be
     
     
      being
      ejected
      from
      The
      Factic
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      My
      boyfriend
      wants
      to
      have
      sex
     
     
      with
      me,
      but
      I’m
      worried
      about
     
     
      getting
      pregnant.
      |
      asked
      Anne
     
     
      Landers
      if
      he
      should
      use
      con-
     
     
      doms
      or
      if
      |
      should
      try
      birth
      con-
     
     
      trol
      pills,
      but
      she
      said
      absti-
     
     
      nence
      was
      the
      safest
      form
      of
     
     
      sex.
      |
      looked
      abstinence
      up
      on
     
     
      the
      Internet,
      and
      discovered
     
     
      that
      it’s
      not
      a
      form
      of
      safe
      sex
      at
     
     
      all.
      In
      fact
      it
      means
      not
      even
     
     
      having
      sex.
      Why
      would
      Anne
     
     
      Landers
      lie
      to
      me
      like
      this?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Chastity
      Cheryl
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Chuck:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      A
      lot
      of
      people
      don’t
      know
      this
      :
     
     
      about
      Anne
      Landers,
      but
      she
      is!
     
     
      the
      biggest
      slut
      in
      the
      newspa-
     
    

    
     
      per
      industry
      (Roger
      Ebert
      is
      the
      '
     
     
      second
      biggest
      slut).
      She
      tells
     
     
      people
      how
      they
      should
      live:
     
     
      their
      lives
      by
      not
      having
      sex:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      until
      they
      are
      ready
      for
      respon-
      :
     
     
      sibility,
      but
      meanwhile
      she’s
      get-
      |
     
     
      ting
      more
      play
      than
      a
      Sega:
     
     
      Genesis.
      The
      reason
      she
      does-
     
    

    
     
      n't
      want
      you
      to
      have
      sex
      is
      so!
     
     
      she
      can
      move
      in
      on
      your
      man}
     
     
      when
      you
      deprive
      him
      of!
     
     
      naughty
      sauce.
      She’s
      such
      a
     
     
      bitch.
      And
      if
      she
      ever
      gives
      you
      '
     
     
      advice
      on
      other
      family
      issues
      |
     
     
      like
      planning
      a
      dinner
      party,
      or:
     
     
      dealing
      with
      the
      neighbors,
      tell
     
     
      Abigail
      Van
      Buren
      to
      go
      piss
      in
     
     
      a
      field
      of
      poison
      ivy,
      and
      ask
      her’
     
     
      to
      wipe
      that
      smug
      grin
      of
      her
      95
      '
     
     
      year
      old
      face.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Coolbreeze:
     
     
      |
      had
      a
      major
      crush
      on
      this
      guy
     
     
      that
      works
      with
      me
      at
      Wendy’s,
     
     
      and
      we
      started
      going
      out
      a
     
     
      month
      ago.
      Things
      were
      great
     
     
      at
      first,
      but
      once
      |
      got
      to
      know
     
     
      him,
      he
      turned
      out
      to
      be
      a
      total
     
     
      jerk.
      He
      looks
      cute,
      but
      he
     
     
      insists
      on
      playing
      the
      sounda-
     
     
      track
      to
      The
      Odd
      Couple
      while
     
     
      we’re
      having
      sex,
      he
      makes
      bird
     
     
      feeders
      out
      of
      every
      used
      car-
     
     
      ton
      of
      milk,
      and
      he
      has
      a
      tattoo
     
     
      on
      his
      back
      that
      says
      “Your
     
     
      Gonna
      Die”
      despite
      the
      fact
      that
     
     
      “your”
      is
      possessive,
      and
     
     
      you
      re,
      the
      contraction
      of
      you
     
     
      are
      is
      what
      he
      intended.
      Every
     
     
      time
      |
      see
      that
      tattoo,
      |
      want
      to
     
     
      end
      this
      relationship,
      but
      |
      don’t
     
     
      want
      to
      dump
      him
      and
      make
     
     
      him
      think
      |
      was
      just
      using
      him
     
     
      for
      sex.
      Is
      there
      a
      way
      |
      can
     
     
      save
      his
      self-esteem,
      and
      make
     
     
      him
      break
      up
      with
      me?
     
     
      -Dating-an-ldiot
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Dear
      Dating:
     
    

    
     
      Most
      guys
      idealize
      womer
     
     
      the
      point
      that
      they
      refuse
     
     
      believe
      that
      they
      have
      diges
     
     
      systems.
      Women
      reinforce
     
     
      notion
      by
      rarely,
      if
      ever,
      ad
     
     
      ting
      to
      having
      bodily
      functic
     
     
      Shatter
      your
      boyfriend’s
      c
     
     
      cept
      of
      women
      and
      let
      ou
     
     
      huge
      fart
      the
      next
      time
      yoi
     
     
      alone
      with
      him.
      If
      he
      doe:
     
     
      break
      up
      with
      you
      after
      t
     
     
      force
      him
      to
      watch
      reruns
     
     
      Boy
      Meets
      World
      with
      you.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      LL
      Coolbreeze
      will
      soon
      hi
     
     
      his
      own
      show
      on
      WTN.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Coolbreeze