MUSIC
      EDITOR
      |
     
     
      PLUMMETS
      TO
      HIS
     
     
      DEATH
      AFTER
     
    

    
     
      CONFRONTATION
      |
     
     
      WITH
      ENRAGED
      FAN!
     
    
   
   
    
     
      X-Press
      music
      and
      production
      editor
     
     
      Kirby
      Ferguson
      met
      an
      untimely
      end
      last
     
     
      Tuesday
      evening.
      As
      Ferguson
      left
      the
     
     
      weekly
      meeting
      of
      the
      X-Press
      staff,
      he
      was
     
     
      ~
      cornered
      by
      an
      outraged
      reader.
      Thisreader
     
     
      (who
      now
      is
      thought
      to
      have
      been
      female)
     
     
      proceeded
      to
      force
      Ferguson
      into
      the
      eleva-
     
     
      tor.
      Ear-witnesses
      tell
      us
      that
      although
     
     
      there
      was
      silence
      in
      the
      elevator,
      once
      the
     
     
      couple
      hit
      fourth
      floor
      ‘‘all
      hell
      broke
     
     
      loose’’.
      ‘‘The
      woman
      began
      to
      yell
      and
     
     
      scream
      at
      the
      poor
      man,’’
      says
      a
      witness
     
     
      who
      asks
      notto
      be
      identified,
      ‘‘Ijust
      figured
     
     
      it
      was
      a
      lovers’
      quarrel
      so
      I
      left
      them
      to
      it.”’
     
     
      Apparently,
      Ferguson
      looked
      absolutely
     
     
      terrified
      and
      cowered
      against
      the
      hand
      rail
     
     
      at
      the
      top
      of
      the
      stairs.
      Stan
      Livingstone,
      a
     
     
      columnist
      for
      the
      X-Press,
      also
      saw
      the
     
     
      couple
      and
      says
      ‘‘I
      saw
      Kirby
      with
      this
     
     
      person,
      he
      looked
      terrible
      and
      was
      taking
     
     
      quite
      a
      beating.
      But
      when
      I
      tried
      to
      help
     
     
      him,
      he
      begged
      me
      to
      save
      myself
      and
      run,
     
     
      so
      I
      did.’’
      ‘‘Then,’’
      Livingstone
      continues,
     
     
      ‘I
      heard
      a
      voice
      say
      ‘This
      is
      for
      Closing
     
     
      Time!’
      and
      all
      ofa
      sudden
      Kirby
      sailed
      past
     
     
      me
      on
      the
      stairs.
      He
      wasn’t
      even
      touching
     
     
      the
      steps
      and
      just
      kept
      going
      and
      going!”’
     
     
      Mr.
      Ferguson
      was
      found
      at
      the
      very
      bottom
     
     
      of
      the
      stairs,
      not
      far
      from
      where
      this
      whole
     
     
      confrontation
      started.
      Ferguson’s
      final
     
     
      words
      were
      ‘‘I’m
      sorry,
      Mr.
      Cohen,’’
      whis-
     
     
      pered
      quietly
      as
      his
      last
      breath
      left
      him.
      The
     
    
   
   
    
     
      remainder
      of
      the
      X-Press
      staff
      were
      re-
     
     
      markably
      calm,
      although
      noticeably
      upset
     
     
      at
      the
      death
      of
      their
      colleague.
      ‘‘I
      always
     
     
      knew
      it
      would
      come
      to
      something
      like
     
     
      this,’’
      said
      editor-in-chief
      Sean
      McQuaid,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “I
      always
      told
      him
      he
      should
      lighten
      up
     
     
      those
      reviews,
      but
      he
      wouldn’t
      listen!’’
     
     
      Other
      staff
      members
      refused
      to
      comment
     
     
      on
      their
      grief.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      SHARKS
      INVADE
     
     
      PLUMBING
      AT
     
     
      U.P.E.T.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Al
      Pratt
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Students
      have
      complained
      of
      miniature
      man-eating
      sharks
      lurking
      in
      toilets
      on
      campus.
     
     
      As
      one
      student
      put
      it,
      “‘you’re
      risking
      yourbutt
      every
      time
      you
      sit
      down
      in
      this
      joint.”
     
     
      Professors
      in
      the
      biology
      department
      theorize
      that
      the
      pesky
      critters
      are
      flushed
      fish
     
     
      from
      failed
      experiments
      mutated
      by
      carelessly
      discarded
      chemistry
      experiments.
     
     
      Where
      the
      reign
      of
      terror
      will
      end
      is
      unclear,
      but
      maintenance
      is
      working
      on
      the
      |
     
     
      problem,
      as
      described
      by
      worker
      Bernard
      Bailey:
      ‘‘We’ve
      got
      guys
      with
      fishing
      rods
      in
     
     
      every
      john,
      baiting
      their
      hooks
      with
      slabs
      of
      beef.
      We'll
      have
      these
      hell-spawned
      sardines
     
    
   
   
    
     
      filleted
      faster
      than
      you
      can
      say
      Captain
      Highliner.’’