My
      DocTor
      ASKS
      IF
      I
      HAVE
      BEEN
     
     
      UNDER
      A
      LITTLE
      STRESS
      LATELY
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      MATTHEW
      DORRELL
     
    
   
   
    
     
      always
      this
      way;
      there
      wasn’t
      always
      this
      constant
      and
     
     
      tremendous
      racket.
      Cellophane,
      for
      example,
      is
      much
     
     
      louder
      than
      it
      used
      to
      be.
      It
      crinkles
      underneath
      greedy
      fingers
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
      Bee:
      is
      so
      goddamned
      loud
      these
      days.
      It
      wasn’t
     
    
   
   
    
     
      with
      such
      an
      all-pervading
      dissonance
      that
      I
      wonder
      if
      over-
      ©
     
    
   
   
    
     
      packaging
      is
      actually
      the
      demon
      that
      environmentalists
      have
     
     
      been
      telling
      us
      it
      is
      all
      along.
      I
      can
      no
      longer
      eat
      pre-prepared
     
     
      foods
      or
      anything
      that
      involves
      any
      type
      of
      plastic
      wrap
      (foil
     
     
      is
      also
      bad).
      I
      am
      wasting
      away.
     
    

    
     
      Why
      is
      everything
      so
      goddamned
      loud
      these
      days?
      The
     
     
      television
      is
      unbearable.
      The
      high-pitched
      tone
      which
      accom-
     
     
      panies
      the
      colour
      test
      in
      announcing
      that
      a
      station
      has
      con-
     
     
      cluded
      its
      broadcasting
      day
      is
      so
      intense
      that
      windows
      for
      a
     
     
      square
      mile
      around
      my
      television
      set
      are
      in
      constant
      danger
      of
     
     
      shattering.
      As
      is
      my
      patience.
      My
      sanity.
     
    

    
     
      Crickets
      are
      evil
      incarnate.
     
    

    
     
      Footsteps
      make
      me
      uncomfortable
      to
      the
      point
      of
      occa-
     
     
      sional
      dry
      heaves.
      Have
      you
      noticed
      this,
      how
      loud
      footsteps
     
     
      are?
      One
      foot
      crashing
      into
      the
      floor,
      with
      the
      inevitable
      other
     
     
      shoe
      always
      about
      to
      drop.
      Why
      can’t
      people
      sit
      down?
      And
     
     
      without
      the
      fidgeting
      please.
     
    

    
     
      The
      cracking
      of
      knuckles
      now
      sounds
      like
      gunshots
      (I
     
     
      have
      never
      heard
      an
      actual
      gunshot,
      but
      I
      own
      a
      TV).
      I
      will
     
     
      sometimes
      involuntarily
      throw
      myself
      to
      the
      floor,
      arms
     
     
      cradling
      my
      head,
      terrified
      that
      I
      am
      about
      to
      be,
      or
      have
     
     
      already
      been
      shot.
      People
      chewing
      their
      fingernails
      fill
      me
     
    
   
   
    
     
      with
      hatred
      so
      intense
      that
      I
      must
      immediately
      leave
      the
      room
     
     
      SO
      as
      not
      to
      give
      in
      to
      various
      murderous,
      yet
      creative,
      impuls-
     
     
      es.
      I
      am,
      after
      all,
      a
      people
      person.
     
    

    
     
      Blinking
      now
      sounds
      like
      a
      hardcover
      book
      being
     
     
      slammed
      closed
      by
      a
      junior
      high
      student
      who
      would
      really
     
     
      rather
      be
      grabbing
      a
      quick
      puff
      before
      heading
      into
      the
      mall
     
     
      than
      be
      sitting
      in
      class
      staring
      at
      a
      math
      text.
      Did
      you
      know
     
     
      that
      the
      average
      human
      blinks
      an
      average
      of
      eighteen
      times
      a
     
     
      minute?
      I
      did
      not.
      I
      do
      now.
      How
      well
      I
      know
      this
      now.
     
    

    
     
      To
      actually
      and
      intentionally
      slam
      closed
      that
      hardcov-
     
     
      er
      book
      would
      be
      an
      act
      of
      barbaric
      violence
      akin
      to
      a
      decla-
     
     
      ration
      of
      war.
      And
      if
      someone
      were
      to
      follow
      through?
      If
      a
      war
     
     
      were
      started?
      The
      earth-shattering
      blast
      caused
      by
      the
      first
      gun
     
     
      fired
      (I
      have
      seen
      guns
      fired
      on
      TV,
      remember)
      would
      level
     
     
      buildings,
      mountains
      and
      historic
      monuments
      which
      had
      pre-
     
     
      viously
      withstood
      the
      grueling
      test
      of
      passing
      ages
      and
      eras.
     
     
      These
      crumpling
      buildings
      would
      create
      yet
      more
      noise,
      more
     
     
      waves
      of
      sound,
      beginning
      an
      unstoppable
      chain
      reaction.
     
     
      These
      waves
      of
      angry
      (well,
      wouldn’t
      you
      be?),
      destructive
     
     
      noise
      would
      only
      continue
      to
      increase
      in
      magnitude,
      eventual-
     
     
      ly
      gaining
      so
      much
      power
      and
      audible
      momentum
      that
      they
     
     
      would
      birth
      a
      sonic
      boom
      of
      astronomical
      volume
      and
      force.
     
     
      The
      existence
      of
      existence
      itself
      could
      be
      threatened.
     
    

    
     
      Everything
      is
      so
      goddamned
      loud
      these
      days.
      How
     
     
      well
      I
      know
      this.
     
    

    
     
      So
      I
      answer
      my
      doctor:
      “Yeah.
      Maybe
      a
      little.”